I'm attracted to Pete as April.
I'm confused about it, but more than that I'm confused as to why I'm confused about it. I've already indulged my hetero-male interests with David, and I know I was/am attracted to Alexa. I can do it. I could be doing it. Why don't I want to be doing it? What's my problem?
She's really cute, and the person inside is so smart and worldly. I love talking to him. I like being around him. I've kissed those lips, caressed thst skin, and it's elicited a physical response from me... the kind thst says Go! Go for it! But we only have once.
It was a nice night. A magicsl night. Pete is rhe kind of person who knows how to show you a good time. I was intoxicated - not just by the wine but by his magnetic presence. When we got home, it was a certainty what was going to happen. Kick off our shoes, pull off each other's clothes... lock away any doubts about what you were doing.
We went through with it, but the memory is tainted by my not heeding all the doubts I had before and during.
And it's because I know it's not real. And this is not fair to Pete or to me, but I have to obey that feeling.
That person he is dressing in lacey underwear for my benefit, that person whose hand I'm holding? That is not Pete, it's April. There is a difference to me and I respect it. That is another woman's body and life I am toying with, we are toying with. I suppose it would be different if we knew April would never be herself again, like Valerie, but that's not the case.
Why was it okay for me to hook up with David as Lena? I'm not sure it was. Only that I knew the man inside (so I thought). When I looked at "her" I knew who I thought I was seeing. When I look at Pete, I see April. Nobody else seems to have this problem, but I do. That's not a judgment on them but of me. I wish I didn't. Pete is beautiful inside and I wish we could explore what we have, and yet, all I see are barriers. I feel physically ill with guilt when trying to make love to Pete as April. It feels shallow to feel like I need the person I am making love with to mentally and physically be the same, because for Pete that's not possible.
Pete is normally understanding but this has frustrated him, so whatever we had is done. He is honorable so every plan we had, with regards to Maine, is intact, but I can't say the same for David, who has cut me out of the loop, and as far as I know intends to stay as Lena. Shocking considering he hates being female, but he clearly enjoys her money and status, so...
You think you know somebody.
You think you know yourself.
I'm sorry Pete. But we are wanderers together. Maybe something will happen in our next lives that will help us through this, or take us apart for good. You deserve to be happy.
I've never been so scared or so lonely through this.
-Jenn/Zack
Showing posts with label Lena. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lena. Show all posts
Monday, May 20, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
Jenn/Zack: What the HELL???
Breaking up with David was the hardest, most gut-wrenching process of my life. It took days of fighting and negotiating and going back and forth endlessly on text and e-mail and in person.
Before pulling the trigger, I had to make sure my bases were covered - since I have been cohabitating with him and basically using Lena's bank account as my sole means of support, I first contacted Pete and confirmed that he would be okay if I crashed on his couch until I got on my feet. Then I started lining up potential clients for "my" photography business, which was a little feeble but it was better than nothing.
I spent days mentally rehearsing my arguments, trying to figure out the most direct yet delicate way to bring it to him. The hardest part was figuring out when to initiate the breakup, since if I waited for a heated moment, an argument of some sort, I risked getting distracted. I wanted us both to be clear-headed. And I hoped that we could walk away with no hard feelings.
I don't know how well I have described David, but that really was wishful thinking.
The moment I got the first line out of my mouth ("David, we should talk...") he went on the defensive, disputing everything, insisting that if there was a problem it was me, and I was a mooch and making him do all these awful things like live as a woman and "enjoy getting f*cked like one" as if I'm in any way responsible for anything he did or chose during his time. He insinuated that we wouldn't be breaking up if I had been the woman and he the man (possible, but irrelevant) and that I really just wanted to go off and "enjoy my c*ck" with some other "b*tch" like "that tr*nny Pete." He told me to go, I was more trouble than I was worth, that he didn't love me either, that I'd regret leaving him, etc etc.
I grabbed my stuff and left for Jersey. I spent the night crying on Pete's couch while Pete - bless his heart, tried to console but really lacks the feminine touch she aspires to. David called the next day apologizing, saying it was the heat of the moment, he was blindsided, etc etc. I told him I wanted to end it on good terms so as to not jeopardize any of us getting our proper lives back, and he said not to worry about it. And I said "what do you mean" and he says... get this...
He tells me that the people in our bodies were arrested months ago for selling meth out of our apartment. They're forbidden from leaving the state of Colorado for eighteen months. Apparently he hadn't decided what he wanted to do about it, so he didn't tell me. What, was he just going to let us transform into two complete random strangers and pretend he had no idea it was coming? Or...
Weeks passed. I grieved, I screamed, I cried, I sleep-walked my way through a few photo sessions including a very concerned Alexa, who could tell I was upset about something ("Bad breakup" probably didn't cover it, but was all I could say.) David disappeared. Even PEte didn't know for a few days where he was, until he turned up on Instagram, back in Florida, laughing it up with Pina Coladas in a way-too-revealing bikini.
So now I'm like, what, does he like Lena's life? I mean, there's a lot to like about it... wealth, respect, and yet the freedom to go be a jerkoff on holiday whenever he wants. Is he planning on stealing that life? I don't know - I'd like to think the man I was dating isn't capable of that but honestly I'm starting to feel like I never knew the real David.
Meanwhile, poor Pete is caught in the middle. When David found out I was staying with him, he threatened to fire him outright, but Pete pointed out that this was a bad idea - that he was the one keeping the company together and the only one protecting the incompetent "Lena" from a very frustrated board that has seen the company's direction plummeting over the last three quarters. Pete is very eager to hand April's life back to her, and Dave needs his right-hand woman.
I reached out to April and Zack to give them a head's up that David might be planning something really scummy, but gave my assurances that Pete and I had no such ideas. It was really hard to read their response, which was a cold acceptance, that as far as David-Lena goes, things are out of their hands.
So... there's the drama I've been dealing with lately, sorry for not posting more! Honestly, it's gotten me so worked up just to recap it, I need to lie down. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I wake up every day nauseous as to what's coming. I'm not built for this, I just want my life back!!
-Jenn, "Zack"
Before pulling the trigger, I had to make sure my bases were covered - since I have been cohabitating with him and basically using Lena's bank account as my sole means of support, I first contacted Pete and confirmed that he would be okay if I crashed on his couch until I got on my feet. Then I started lining up potential clients for "my" photography business, which was a little feeble but it was better than nothing.
I spent days mentally rehearsing my arguments, trying to figure out the most direct yet delicate way to bring it to him. The hardest part was figuring out when to initiate the breakup, since if I waited for a heated moment, an argument of some sort, I risked getting distracted. I wanted us both to be clear-headed. And I hoped that we could walk away with no hard feelings.
I don't know how well I have described David, but that really was wishful thinking.
The moment I got the first line out of my mouth ("David, we should talk...") he went on the defensive, disputing everything, insisting that if there was a problem it was me, and I was a mooch and making him do all these awful things like live as a woman and "enjoy getting f*cked like one" as if I'm in any way responsible for anything he did or chose during his time. He insinuated that we wouldn't be breaking up if I had been the woman and he the man (possible, but irrelevant) and that I really just wanted to go off and "enjoy my c*ck" with some other "b*tch" like "that tr*nny Pete." He told me to go, I was more trouble than I was worth, that he didn't love me either, that I'd regret leaving him, etc etc.
I grabbed my stuff and left for Jersey. I spent the night crying on Pete's couch while Pete - bless his heart, tried to console but really lacks the feminine touch she aspires to. David called the next day apologizing, saying it was the heat of the moment, he was blindsided, etc etc. I told him I wanted to end it on good terms so as to not jeopardize any of us getting our proper lives back, and he said not to worry about it. And I said "what do you mean" and he says... get this...
He tells me that the people in our bodies were arrested months ago for selling meth out of our apartment. They're forbidden from leaving the state of Colorado for eighteen months. Apparently he hadn't decided what he wanted to do about it, so he didn't tell me. What, was he just going to let us transform into two complete random strangers and pretend he had no idea it was coming? Or...
Weeks passed. I grieved, I screamed, I cried, I sleep-walked my way through a few photo sessions including a very concerned Alexa, who could tell I was upset about something ("Bad breakup" probably didn't cover it, but was all I could say.) David disappeared. Even PEte didn't know for a few days where he was, until he turned up on Instagram, back in Florida, laughing it up with Pina Coladas in a way-too-revealing bikini.
So now I'm like, what, does he like Lena's life? I mean, there's a lot to like about it... wealth, respect, and yet the freedom to go be a jerkoff on holiday whenever he wants. Is he planning on stealing that life? I don't know - I'd like to think the man I was dating isn't capable of that but honestly I'm starting to feel like I never knew the real David.
Meanwhile, poor Pete is caught in the middle. When David found out I was staying with him, he threatened to fire him outright, but Pete pointed out that this was a bad idea - that he was the one keeping the company together and the only one protecting the incompetent "Lena" from a very frustrated board that has seen the company's direction plummeting over the last three quarters. Pete is very eager to hand April's life back to her, and Dave needs his right-hand woman.
I reached out to April and Zack to give them a head's up that David might be planning something really scummy, but gave my assurances that Pete and I had no such ideas. It was really hard to read their response, which was a cold acceptance, that as far as David-Lena goes, things are out of their hands.
So... there's the drama I've been dealing with lately, sorry for not posting more! Honestly, it's gotten me so worked up just to recap it, I need to lie down. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I wake up every day nauseous as to what's coming. I'm not built for this, I just want my life back!!
-Jenn, "Zack"
Friday, January 25, 2019
Jenn/Zack: Reaching a conclusion
So, I ended up meeting with Alexa. It was nice. We had a lot in common, even though we're not supposed to. On the one hand back when I was female I'd probably have a lot of preconceptions based on her appearance that would cause us not to get along - that she was shallow, mean... dumb? Which sucks because I try to be about uplifting women. And maybe my male mindset really wants to see the best in someone who looks like she does because on some level - deep down, where I would never do anything about it - I think she's attractive.
All we did was have coffee and chat. I said I wasn't sure if I was right for her job. She pressed on about it, saying she loved my portfolio. I couldn't tell her it wasn't my portfolio. I said maybe I had some colleagues I could send her to. That was about it.
I haven't told David yet because I know he doesn't want me to do anything like that, and I know he'll react very badly when I tell him.
David came home that night, late and tired and complaining about everything as always. There's an added dimension now where he gets home and starts to undress, expecting sex. Now that we're sexually active he expects me to just be ready willing and able 24/7, at his beck and call every night, because that's what guys want, so that's what he expects from me. And it's not necessarily wrong - I do have desires and using his (Lena's) body is certainly one way to keep my attention focussed on him - and not like I don't enjoy it but... I've started feeling very bad afterwards.
I lie there and think, is this it? What do I have to look forward to? Did we ever have real conversations? Because we haven't lately. Did we enjoy each other's company? Because I don't think I do now. Was it really just about sex, and I pushed hard to keep the intimacy in our relationship because I knew we were doomed without it? Did we stay together because I felt obligated after we changed? If we were us, would I have walked away already?
I would have wanted to, I just know it. And it's scary to think I wouldn't have gone through with it because I was getting to an age where you just want to settle down with whoever you're with already. I already had m doubts before we got into this mess, but there was no way I was going to abandon him while we looked like this. But it was hardly any kind of fix for our problems. Resuming sexual activity really just emphasizes how little of a relationship there ever was.
And now - now that it's hard and inconvenient, I might need to do it (end the relationship) more than ever. It's more important now that I've done something he told me not to by meeting with Alexa, and that whenever I tell him I know it's going to touch off a huge fight, I know it's either now, or wait until we get our bodies back, and by then I will probably talk myself out of it.
I need to break up with him. I care a lot about his feelings and what happens, but I realize now that's different from love. I have my doubts because it seems wrong to break up while we're in the middle of this whole thing and I feel like I'd be leaving him high and dry, but I should follow my heart on this one.
Woo. I'm shaking, having written all of that. It's a good thing he vowed never to read this. I needed to put it out there, somewhere I hope he won't see.
-Jenn
All we did was have coffee and chat. I said I wasn't sure if I was right for her job. She pressed on about it, saying she loved my portfolio. I couldn't tell her it wasn't my portfolio. I said maybe I had some colleagues I could send her to. That was about it.
I haven't told David yet because I know he doesn't want me to do anything like that, and I know he'll react very badly when I tell him.
David came home that night, late and tired and complaining about everything as always. There's an added dimension now where he gets home and starts to undress, expecting sex. Now that we're sexually active he expects me to just be ready willing and able 24/7, at his beck and call every night, because that's what guys want, so that's what he expects from me. And it's not necessarily wrong - I do have desires and using his (Lena's) body is certainly one way to keep my attention focussed on him - and not like I don't enjoy it but... I've started feeling very bad afterwards.
I lie there and think, is this it? What do I have to look forward to? Did we ever have real conversations? Because we haven't lately. Did we enjoy each other's company? Because I don't think I do now. Was it really just about sex, and I pushed hard to keep the intimacy in our relationship because I knew we were doomed without it? Did we stay together because I felt obligated after we changed? If we were us, would I have walked away already?
I would have wanted to, I just know it. And it's scary to think I wouldn't have gone through with it because I was getting to an age where you just want to settle down with whoever you're with already. I already had m doubts before we got into this mess, but there was no way I was going to abandon him while we looked like this. But it was hardly any kind of fix for our problems. Resuming sexual activity really just emphasizes how little of a relationship there ever was.
And now - now that it's hard and inconvenient, I might need to do it (end the relationship) more than ever. It's more important now that I've done something he told me not to by meeting with Alexa, and that whenever I tell him I know it's going to touch off a huge fight, I know it's either now, or wait until we get our bodies back, and by then I will probably talk myself out of it.
I need to break up with him. I care a lot about his feelings and what happens, but I realize now that's different from love. I have my doubts because it seems wrong to break up while we're in the middle of this whole thing and I feel like I'd be leaving him high and dry, but I should follow my heart on this one.
Woo. I'm shaking, having written all of that. It's a good thing he vowed never to read this. I needed to put it out there, somewhere I hope he won't see.
-Jenn
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Jenn/Zack: Holiday in the Heat
It began with a DM (and I don't mean Daryl/Magda, haha...)
A few days after my last post, as David and I were preparing to take our Christmas Holiday to Lena's Beach House in Florida, I got messaged on Instagram by a stranger asking, "Are you Valerie's photographer friend?"
I raised an eyebrow. I haven't done too much photography lately, only to keep Zack's client base up. I was enjoying it, and with Zack's help on photoshop I was pretty decent at it, but I didn't have the energy to go out and find customers, or the financial need thanks to Lena's bank account. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear that Tyler/Valerie and I were "friends" but I really wasn't sure why she was shopping me around... but I was intrigued, so I answered, "Yes... who is this?"
"My name's Alexa, nice to meet you! (Val told me you might recognize the name hehe) I'm looking for a photog to partner with for my account."
Alexa -- as in Ryan's Alexa? As in the girl Tyler, like... cuckolded?? My better instinct was to stay the heck away, but my love for drama commanded me to pursue. It'd be like meeting a character from your favorite reality show. I told her I wasn't really available in December, but maybe... maybe we could meet up in the New Year. She said that would be fine.
After that, I started browsing her feed, and it made me almost wish I hadn't agreed to meet her, at least not without serious consideration. I started scrolling, and scrolling, and found myself mesmerized by this girl's... everything. Her face, her features, her body, her style. The part of me that's a girl was both jealous and impressed by her hair, her makeup, her clothes. But there's another part of me now... one that's more interested in the curve of her hips, that glint in her eyes in that close-up where she's looking over her shoulder... her coy smile, the seemingly perfect soft line of cleavage between her breasts. It was this simultaneous feeling of both wanting her life, and maybe... wanting her in my life.
I got this sinking feeling I was in trouble either way. I didn't know if I should be putting myself in a room with her. I mean, I know I'm strong, and committed, but why put myself in a situation where I'm going to be... like... lusting after a woman who isn't my boyfriend? (Boy, that's a hell of a sentence!) David is jealous enough, why give him a reason?
When David got home - seemingly tired and worn out from the office as always - I told him about it, I was very up front. Not about any attraction I may or may not have had to this girl, but about the job offer and how I had agreed to meet with her but was thinking of reconsidering. I showed him the Insta feed.
He raised an eyebrow. "Wow," he said flatly. "She's pretty hot, huh."
Like it was nothing. Like he couldn't recognize this, like, goddess on the screen. Maybe he's been desensitized by porn, or by being female.
Finally, after a bit more scrolling, he tosses the phone aside. "Yeah, you're not meeting this chick."
I raised an eyebrow - excuse me? Don't you trust me? Never mind the fact that she is also known to be in a serious relationship. We can handle ourselves. This could be a good project.
He says, what do you need a project for? Why can't you just do your own thing?
Suddenly, my resolve doubled. Why doesn't he just say it - he doesn't trust me with other women, or other men.
I said, who was he to tell me who I could or couldn't meet? And he said he was my boyfriend, that's who, and I said really because you haven't acted like it recently, and he says is that a crack about my manhood, and I say no it's a crack about your behavior - you don't act like we're in an kind of relationship.
He says, oh, me providing for you, giving you a place to live, buying all your meals, paying for everything, that's not enough? I say tell him it amounts to being a kept wo/man and it's boring and not emotionally fulfilling. He says if I'm bored I can leave anytime.
I almost did it. I was so angry - my summary really does not do justice to how I was feeling in that moment but I'm not interested in reliving it for the blog's sake, if that's okay.
For a variety of reasons, I didn't. Storming out isn't my style - I'm more a "stick to it and get it resolved" type, but that's very hard when emotions get inflamed. But for a few moments I was thinking, to hell with this, enjoy the rest of your life.
But we're stuck with each other. I can't leave him now, not like this, or else something really stupid might happen. have to watch over him. And yes, part of it is... I'm so embedded in his Lena-life I'm not sure I would be able to survive right now.
Not a great reason to stay in a relationship I guess but there you have it. I have faith that, when this is all sorted out, he'll be the person I love again. We got over the fight, although the core issue - my interest in meeting Alexa and pursuing a photography project - was unresolved. I had a sinking feeling I was going to let him have his way on that one, and I wasn't happy about it.
The next day we went to Florida. We had a few weeks to ourselves over the holidays. Our only obligation was Christmas Eve Dinner with Lena's niece and her fiance, which promised to be awkward, since what little family Lena has doesn't really know she's taken up with a 25-year-old. I asked if David wanted me to excuse myself for the night, and he said no - Lena's a grown woman, and nobody should judge her.
We had a good first few days frolicking in the sun. It was fun, but still very chaste. David wasn't comfortable showing too much skin, although I tried to convince him to get in the spirit of the vacation, while still dressing age-appropriately. We were walking along the beach and happened to pass a pair of women in bikinis. I didn't really look - seriously! But David let out a sight.
"What?" I asked, a note of irritation in my voice - I was prepared to be accused again, and rehash our fight.
Instead he surprised me, "Wish I looked like that."
I was puzzled a sec. "Like what. Her?"
I looked back at the woman - her bikini bottom riding up her well-toned butt. Then I looked at David in his modest, flowy sundress with the deep yet modest neckline.
"I mean, if I have to be a chick, why can't I... you know? With the perkiness and the curves and the... everything!"
In that moment, I saw how trapped he was. Men, and society in general, are conditioned not to see women above a certain age as having value... even ones who are wealthy as Lena Howard. Even if they have kept their looks as well as Lena Howard!
"You don't want her life," I said thoughtfully, "Yeah, she's hot, but she probably lives at the gym and counts every carb she breathes near. Doesn't drink, doesn't stay out late, constantly moisturizing. You should be happy."
"Well, wouldn't everything be easier for us if we looked like that?"
I raised an eyebrow. "How do you mean?"
He shrugged. "I'd feel sexier, you'd find me sexier..."
"I find you sexy," I said matter of factly.
He huffed, "How could you find me sexy?! I've seen you look at other women, and I don't look like them."
"I... don't know! I don't know how it works. But it's the same as being attracted to men, I think - you just... feel the spark."
"Oh, and you feel the spark?"
"I do! If you'll let me," I smiled.
He rolled his eyes. "You think all this is sexy?" he held out his arm and indicated some loose flab.
"I don't care about that. Everyone's got flaws, and you inherited an overall great body. Lena Howard is a beautiful woman, and you have a beautiful soul."
He fell silent as he considered what I'd said.
I asked, "Do you find me sexy?"
With extreme hesitation, he said "Yyyyyyyyyess....."
"So we don't have a problem."
"If you really found me sexy, you'd want to have sex more."
I rolled my eyes. "You're thinking like a man, honey. I respect your space too much to push you into it."
"So, you really don't mind that we've only had sex once in these bodies?"
"I didn't say I didn't mind. I said I respect you." I wrapped my arm around him and kissed the top of his head.
Next was the niece's visit. I'm sure Julie means well but she wasn't even prepared to give me a chance. She had her eye on me from the start, looking for reasons to criticize me as a partner for Lena. I was on my very best behavior, making great conversation, but she was uninterested.
Before the meal was even done, Julie laid into the both of us, me for supposedly using her wealthy aunt for her money, and "Lena" for not putting her money to better use. I was too annoyed to speak, but David got up in her face, saying it was none of her business what two adults did with their time or money, or bodies for that matter. Julie left in a huff.
The evening proceeded tensely, but I began to feel very warmly toward David again after that. There was my man, defending my honor. But he was also the woman who kept me at arms length. Or so I thought.
After dinner, we were watching a movie in the screening room. We're cuddled up nicely, it's a bit like old times. David has been using some of Lena's body washes and other products and the smell is really driving me crazy. I'm fidgeting trying to ignore what's going on in my pants. He's very still.
"You know..." he finally says, pausing the movie, "I feel like we're under the microscope. People are starting to talk, in Lena's circles. It's like, gossip."
"Really," I sighed.
"Yeah. It's not just Julie. It's people on the board who've seen me Facetiming you. It's people in Lena's clubs. I guess the secret's out."
"Uh huh..."
"I mean, if we're already convicted... we might as well do the crime, right?"
"...Excuse me?"
"Wait here."
He dashed off, as nimbly as a nearly 50-year-old woman could. With purpose, moving like I haven't seen him do since being Lena.
"David?" I called out, when he'd been gone for a few minutes.
"Hold on..." he called back.
I got up to search, but he must have heard me lumbering because he called out "Don't move!"
Finally, he called out "Okay, come to the bedroom!"
I made my way slowly over. This had to be a trick, right? Two days ago we were back to barely-holding-hands. And now?
I went to the bedroom. No David. The light in the ensuite clicked on.
He appeared, bathed in soft light from behind. He was dressed in a sexy black bra and lace panties. I've never seen him voluntarily wear anything like that.
"I bet you've been waiting," he said, putting on an eerie impression of a sultry, seductive voice.
"I..., have..."
"I've been thinking about this a lot," he said. "You like this, don't you? You think I'm sexy?"
"Um... yes," my voice cracked nervously.
"This will make you happy? This is all you want, isn't it?"
"Um... only if you do."
He took my hands and placed one of them on his breast and one of them on his ass.
"We've wasted so much time, Jenn. Make me want it. Make me like it. F*** me hard."
"David I..."
"Now, Jenn!" he hissed, planting a deep kiss on my lips.
"Are you drunk?"
"Haven't had a drop," he said breathlessly.
That was true as far as I knew - which is unusual.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because our vacation's almost over and it will be back to the real world soon. And you deserve it."
"Okay," I said - still a little skeptical but starting to get "in the mood."
And then we did it. I climbed on top of him and he played his part to a "T", moaning and screaming, perhaps a little too vocally and graphically for my liking, but in the heat of the moment it really egged me on.
I mean, I could have done without him squealing "Oh my God I'm f**ing a guy!" But at lease he seemed to be enjoying it.
He must have liked it more this time, because it became a pattern. We found our rhythm and made love every night for the rest of vacation, and well into our return in January. He looks so good beneath me... and on top of me... and one time in front of me.
I haven't ended up meeting with Alexa yet, although it 's in the back of my mind. Things are just so good now that I don't want to rock the boat.
Which... is kind of stupid, when I say it like that.
Oh, man. I'm still in trouble.
-Jenn/Zack
A few days after my last post, as David and I were preparing to take our Christmas Holiday to Lena's Beach House in Florida, I got messaged on Instagram by a stranger asking, "Are you Valerie's photographer friend?"
I raised an eyebrow. I haven't done too much photography lately, only to keep Zack's client base up. I was enjoying it, and with Zack's help on photoshop I was pretty decent at it, but I didn't have the energy to go out and find customers, or the financial need thanks to Lena's bank account. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear that Tyler/Valerie and I were "friends" but I really wasn't sure why she was shopping me around... but I was intrigued, so I answered, "Yes... who is this?"
"My name's Alexa, nice to meet you! (Val told me you might recognize the name hehe) I'm looking for a photog to partner with for my account."
Alexa -- as in Ryan's Alexa? As in the girl Tyler, like... cuckolded?? My better instinct was to stay the heck away, but my love for drama commanded me to pursue. It'd be like meeting a character from your favorite reality show. I told her I wasn't really available in December, but maybe... maybe we could meet up in the New Year. She said that would be fine.
After that, I started browsing her feed, and it made me almost wish I hadn't agreed to meet her, at least not without serious consideration. I started scrolling, and scrolling, and found myself mesmerized by this girl's... everything. Her face, her features, her body, her style. The part of me that's a girl was both jealous and impressed by her hair, her makeup, her clothes. But there's another part of me now... one that's more interested in the curve of her hips, that glint in her eyes in that close-up where she's looking over her shoulder... her coy smile, the seemingly perfect soft line of cleavage between her breasts. It was this simultaneous feeling of both wanting her life, and maybe... wanting her in my life.
I got this sinking feeling I was in trouble either way. I didn't know if I should be putting myself in a room with her. I mean, I know I'm strong, and committed, but why put myself in a situation where I'm going to be... like... lusting after a woman who isn't my boyfriend? (Boy, that's a hell of a sentence!) David is jealous enough, why give him a reason?
When David got home - seemingly tired and worn out from the office as always - I told him about it, I was very up front. Not about any attraction I may or may not have had to this girl, but about the job offer and how I had agreed to meet with her but was thinking of reconsidering. I showed him the Insta feed.
He raised an eyebrow. "Wow," he said flatly. "She's pretty hot, huh."
Like it was nothing. Like he couldn't recognize this, like, goddess on the screen. Maybe he's been desensitized by porn, or by being female.
Finally, after a bit more scrolling, he tosses the phone aside. "Yeah, you're not meeting this chick."
I raised an eyebrow - excuse me? Don't you trust me? Never mind the fact that she is also known to be in a serious relationship. We can handle ourselves. This could be a good project.
He says, what do you need a project for? Why can't you just do your own thing?
Suddenly, my resolve doubled. Why doesn't he just say it - he doesn't trust me with other women, or other men.
I said, who was he to tell me who I could or couldn't meet? And he said he was my boyfriend, that's who, and I said really because you haven't acted like it recently, and he says is that a crack about my manhood, and I say no it's a crack about your behavior - you don't act like we're in an kind of relationship.
He says, oh, me providing for you, giving you a place to live, buying all your meals, paying for everything, that's not enough? I say tell him it amounts to being a kept wo/man and it's boring and not emotionally fulfilling. He says if I'm bored I can leave anytime.
I almost did it. I was so angry - my summary really does not do justice to how I was feeling in that moment but I'm not interested in reliving it for the blog's sake, if that's okay.
For a variety of reasons, I didn't. Storming out isn't my style - I'm more a "stick to it and get it resolved" type, but that's very hard when emotions get inflamed. But for a few moments I was thinking, to hell with this, enjoy the rest of your life.
But we're stuck with each other. I can't leave him now, not like this, or else something really stupid might happen. have to watch over him. And yes, part of it is... I'm so embedded in his Lena-life I'm not sure I would be able to survive right now.
Not a great reason to stay in a relationship I guess but there you have it. I have faith that, when this is all sorted out, he'll be the person I love again. We got over the fight, although the core issue - my interest in meeting Alexa and pursuing a photography project - was unresolved. I had a sinking feeling I was going to let him have his way on that one, and I wasn't happy about it.
The next day we went to Florida. We had a few weeks to ourselves over the holidays. Our only obligation was Christmas Eve Dinner with Lena's niece and her fiance, which promised to be awkward, since what little family Lena has doesn't really know she's taken up with a 25-year-old. I asked if David wanted me to excuse myself for the night, and he said no - Lena's a grown woman, and nobody should judge her.
We had a good first few days frolicking in the sun. It was fun, but still very chaste. David wasn't comfortable showing too much skin, although I tried to convince him to get in the spirit of the vacation, while still dressing age-appropriately. We were walking along the beach and happened to pass a pair of women in bikinis. I didn't really look - seriously! But David let out a sight.
"What?" I asked, a note of irritation in my voice - I was prepared to be accused again, and rehash our fight.
Instead he surprised me, "Wish I looked like that."
I was puzzled a sec. "Like what. Her?"
I looked back at the woman - her bikini bottom riding up her well-toned butt. Then I looked at David in his modest, flowy sundress with the deep yet modest neckline.
"I mean, if I have to be a chick, why can't I... you know? With the perkiness and the curves and the... everything!"
In that moment, I saw how trapped he was. Men, and society in general, are conditioned not to see women above a certain age as having value... even ones who are wealthy as Lena Howard. Even if they have kept their looks as well as Lena Howard!
"You don't want her life," I said thoughtfully, "Yeah, she's hot, but she probably lives at the gym and counts every carb she breathes near. Doesn't drink, doesn't stay out late, constantly moisturizing. You should be happy."
"Well, wouldn't everything be easier for us if we looked like that?"
I raised an eyebrow. "How do you mean?"
He shrugged. "I'd feel sexier, you'd find me sexier..."
"I find you sexy," I said matter of factly.
He huffed, "How could you find me sexy?! I've seen you look at other women, and I don't look like them."
"I... don't know! I don't know how it works. But it's the same as being attracted to men, I think - you just... feel the spark."
"Oh, and you feel the spark?"
"I do! If you'll let me," I smiled.
He rolled his eyes. "You think all this is sexy?" he held out his arm and indicated some loose flab.
"I don't care about that. Everyone's got flaws, and you inherited an overall great body. Lena Howard is a beautiful woman, and you have a beautiful soul."
He fell silent as he considered what I'd said.
I asked, "Do you find me sexy?"
With extreme hesitation, he said "Yyyyyyyyyess....."
"So we don't have a problem."
"If you really found me sexy, you'd want to have sex more."
I rolled my eyes. "You're thinking like a man, honey. I respect your space too much to push you into it."
"So, you really don't mind that we've only had sex once in these bodies?"
"I didn't say I didn't mind. I said I respect you." I wrapped my arm around him and kissed the top of his head.
Next was the niece's visit. I'm sure Julie means well but she wasn't even prepared to give me a chance. She had her eye on me from the start, looking for reasons to criticize me as a partner for Lena. I was on my very best behavior, making great conversation, but she was uninterested.
Before the meal was even done, Julie laid into the both of us, me for supposedly using her wealthy aunt for her money, and "Lena" for not putting her money to better use. I was too annoyed to speak, but David got up in her face, saying it was none of her business what two adults did with their time or money, or bodies for that matter. Julie left in a huff.
The evening proceeded tensely, but I began to feel very warmly toward David again after that. There was my man, defending my honor. But he was also the woman who kept me at arms length. Or so I thought.
After dinner, we were watching a movie in the screening room. We're cuddled up nicely, it's a bit like old times. David has been using some of Lena's body washes and other products and the smell is really driving me crazy. I'm fidgeting trying to ignore what's going on in my pants. He's very still.
"You know..." he finally says, pausing the movie, "I feel like we're under the microscope. People are starting to talk, in Lena's circles. It's like, gossip."
"Really," I sighed.
"Yeah. It's not just Julie. It's people on the board who've seen me Facetiming you. It's people in Lena's clubs. I guess the secret's out."
"Uh huh..."
"I mean, if we're already convicted... we might as well do the crime, right?"
"...Excuse me?"
"Wait here."
He dashed off, as nimbly as a nearly 50-year-old woman could. With purpose, moving like I haven't seen him do since being Lena.
"David?" I called out, when he'd been gone for a few minutes.
"Hold on..." he called back.
I got up to search, but he must have heard me lumbering because he called out "Don't move!"
Finally, he called out "Okay, come to the bedroom!"
I made my way slowly over. This had to be a trick, right? Two days ago we were back to barely-holding-hands. And now?
I went to the bedroom. No David. The light in the ensuite clicked on.
He appeared, bathed in soft light from behind. He was dressed in a sexy black bra and lace panties. I've never seen him voluntarily wear anything like that.
"I bet you've been waiting," he said, putting on an eerie impression of a sultry, seductive voice.
"I..., have..."
"I've been thinking about this a lot," he said. "You like this, don't you? You think I'm sexy?"
"Um... yes," my voice cracked nervously.
"This will make you happy? This is all you want, isn't it?"
"Um... only if you do."
He took my hands and placed one of them on his breast and one of them on his ass.
"We've wasted so much time, Jenn. Make me want it. Make me like it. F*** me hard."
"David I..."
"Now, Jenn!" he hissed, planting a deep kiss on my lips.
"Are you drunk?"
"Haven't had a drop," he said breathlessly.
That was true as far as I knew - which is unusual.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because our vacation's almost over and it will be back to the real world soon. And you deserve it."
"Okay," I said - still a little skeptical but starting to get "in the mood."
And then we did it. I climbed on top of him and he played his part to a "T", moaning and screaming, perhaps a little too vocally and graphically for my liking, but in the heat of the moment it really egged me on.
I mean, I could have done without him squealing "Oh my God I'm f**ing a guy!" But at lease he seemed to be enjoying it.
He must have liked it more this time, because it became a pattern. We found our rhythm and made love every night for the rest of vacation, and well into our return in January. He looks so good beneath me... and on top of me... and one time in front of me.
I haven't ended up meeting with Alexa yet, although it 's in the back of my mind. Things are just so good now that I don't want to rock the boat.
Which... is kind of stupid, when I say it like that.
Oh, man. I'm still in trouble.
-Jenn/Zack
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Daryl/Magda: Mismatches
If you're going to get changed into a different person, and it looks like there's a good chance you'll stay that way, there's a certain logic in moving away from both your real hometown and where your new identity lived, and to someplace like New York City. Many large cities would probably do the trick, I suppose, but New York is so big and is such a hub that I can do things that might get noticed in other cities without much question. It may be something as small as sitting down at a lunch counter in Harlem and having some fried chicken without much more than a little side-eye, or nobody at the movie theater caring about a weird double feature. They'll let you be.
We were initially kind of worried about that when J.T. and I started going out, especially since he was kind of famous at one point, but there were some pictures taken, a couple websites that tried to frame a cougar narrative, but, eventually, it sort of became no big deal. Older woman/younger guy is unusual, but seeing we dig each other makes it something of a non-story.
And we do like each other. For a while we thought it might just be the thrill of the new or unusual, but I've been here for a couple months, and it hasn't always been complete fun, we've become really comfortable together, and good. He was kind of nervous about me moving in at first, but it works, and we both look forward to how our weird schedules intersect.
Unfortunately, his rehearsal schedule didn't line up well with Pete's anti-Halloween dinner, which was aggressively come-as-you-are because folks like us don't need another level of make-up, costuming, and play-acting. He isn't really sure he belongs at that sort of thing anyway, having just been someone else for one cycle and then dropped back into his life like it hasn't happened until I showed up. Not that everyone who came is in my boat - Annette came, although to be fair, she's 22 and basically spent all he college years as someone else, so most of her friends from that period are Inn people.
She was one of the first to get to the function room Pete had rented, enthusiastically helping decorate; I imagine they love her attitude at whichever publishing company is exploiting her as an unpaid intern. She taped Pete on the shoulder and broke off to say hi and asking if I wanted a name tag, which was more complicated than usual - between the standard "Hello, My Name Is ____" and the "My Pronouns Are ___/___" that has apparently started gaining use, she customized them to include "Also Known As ____". Hers said "Annette", "Ravi & Benjamin", "she/her"; Pete's said "Pete", "a bunch", "he/him". I opted for "Daryl", "Magda", "they/their". I half expected them to tell me to choose a side, but Annette said anybody being a jerk about how someone else identified was getting kicked out.
Pete gave a little chuckle as she went back to decorating. "Never thought Millennials and their political correctness would make a bit of sense, but in this case..."
"Dude, you do know that I'm not actually this old, and she's, like, whatever we're calling the generation after that, right?" Not wanting to get into that, I looked down and raised an eyebrow. "Wearing heels to your 'come as you are' party, huh?"
"Am I? Holy shit, I am! I swear, April's feet have been deformed by long hours in the Executive Assistant uniform to the point where I walk around my house on tiptoe and boots with a couple extra inches feel normal. But I guess it beats being short. I'm not quite Tylerie tiny, but every inch counts." I was kind of surprised he picked up my play on Tyler's names, but apparently it tickled him.
He asked how I was enjoying Magda's job, and I shrugged. "It's not really what I want to do with the rest of my life, but it's something I can do for now. I kind of like punching a clock rather than working long hours to make an impossible deadline, too. At least for now. How about you?"
He shrugged. "Young, old, man, woman, black, white, asian, I'm apparently the glue that holds an office together. Speaking of which..." A matching couple was filling in their name tags, and Pete brought me over to introduce us. "Daryl, this is Jenn and David; guys, this is Daryl. Or Magda. 'Magdaryl'. It's up in the air right now."
That immediately clicked with the man in the skinny jeans and blow-dried hair. "You're the one dating J.T.! I had such a crush on him when I was in junior high!" She suddenly realized how she must look. "Not the usual person to say that, huh?"
"You'd be surprised." I turned to her date, wearing a much looser pair of jeans and t-shirt, hair gathered into a ponytail at the base of the head rather than higher-up. "Don't be jealous; J.T. is very much taken." I extended a hand and David grabbed it kind of tentatively, maybe not sure how to process the flurry of names Pete had thrown at him along with the camisole under my White Sox Jersey. I want wearing makeup but did have hairpins in, so I was sending some mixed signals.
I thought he and I might have something to talk about, given our similar age and sex changes, but he didn't seem to like he wanted to; honestly, even though I as talking sports and action movies and the like while complaining about bras and heels, I think he saw me as too close to the worst way he could see things going for him.
Jenn wasn't really negative, at least; as much as she clearly either hadn't stated thinking like a guy or was relishing the chance not to, she complained less and lived vicariously more. She had plenty of questions about where Tyler got his shoes and apparently listened to a lot of the same podcasts as Annette.
We all mingled a bit, but never really got far from one another - Pete has a pretty decent contact list of Inn people, but even in New York, there weren't enough for the size of the space he rented, at least that could do this kind of Halloween party (or were in the mood for it). I'd kind of hoped to make some contacts that might give me a chance to maybe find a new career, but that didn't really happening. Eventually I ran back into Jenn, who had had a few. "This is the weirdest party I've ever been to. So many girls and it's a complete sausage fest! Shouldn't it be, like 50/50? Or 25/25/25/25, cause some folks stay the same, generally speaking?"
"Well, I figure those guys just shrug and deal with it, right? They know what they're doing and don't have to reach out. I don't know why there's not more girls who became guys here or on the blog and stuff, though."
"Oh, trust me, most of us are not going to complain about bosses suddenly listening and shorter bathroom lines and clothes that have actual useful sizes." I turned around and saw a cheerful-looking guy with a somewhat unruly Afro but a big smile; his name tag said "Juliet", "Jonah", "he/him".
"Well, when you put it like that..." Jenn probably would have expanded on it, but David came over and was clearly ready to be done for the night, so they left.
Juliet waved and said they probably had the right idea. "I bet your legs are staying to run down like my brain is." She wasn't wrong, so we headed out to grab a snack (another great thing about New York is bakeries open until 3am).
It turns out we are kind of opposite sides of the same coin, me a young black man who became a middle-aged white woman, her a white woman in her early fifties who changed to a young black guy by choice. Apparently she and her husband visited the Inn a few years back and made it back to their old life okay, only to have him go off on a "business trip" this May that left someone else in his body to explain he was leaving her for someone else, as someone else - apparently they'd been carrying on this affair for years and found the perfect new lives to claim. She despaired, and then when she found out through another Inn person she knew that Krystle was putting this boy's body for sale--
"Please tell me you don't refer to black men as 'boy' or just casually talk about them being for sale."
"What? Oh God, no... At least I don't think... I didn't mean that!"
"It doesn't matter what you mean, it matters what people hear. You've gotta be real careful - just because you may still think like a white woman and talk about white woman things, coming out of that mouth, it's gonna sound like you're making fun to some people."
"I guess. Hardly seems right."
"Welcome to being black in America. I miss a lot about it, but..." I suddenly felt pretty bad about finishing that sentence; as much as things in my real life can be unfair, I kind of feel like escaping them by becoming white is a cheat, and don't really feel grateful for it.
"Hm. Well, I guess that's the karmic price for getting a chance to start again in college. Not that being black is a price! Ugh, I'm not so terrible at this when I don't have to think about it. Or am I?"
"You probably are, but don't worry too much. I was a giant nerd who didn't fit in either, and I turned out okay enough for J.T."
"But did you have to deal with this?" She pointed at the mop of hair on her head. "I let it grow out because all the cool black people when I was growing up in the 70s did this, but it just won't behave!"
"When did you last have a trim?"
"I don't know, two or three weeks ago?"
"Yeah, you're gonna want to find a barber you like and go every week. It doesn't take that long, and if you just sit and listen while you wait, you'll get a pretty good education on being a black man."
"Sounds like this education could be more expensive than the college one!"
"Well, just think of what you're not spending on makeup, bras, pantyhose..."
"I guess. Well, I did decide I wanted to do things differently. But fair warning, I'm going to call you a lot."
I said that was okay, but she hasn't yet.
By the time I got home, J.T. was on the couch, watching TV. "How was Curse Club?"
I say down and put my feet on his lap for him to massage. "Kind of fun. Weird having everyone treat me like I'm one of the ones who knows what he's doing."
"She's doing, based on last night."
I took the name tag I'd removed and folded in half out of my purse. "They're doing, based on this."
"I'm not sure I approve of you going to parties where they don't think of you as a woman. Does that make me a bad Inn Person?"
"Nah, I like that you know who you are and want me to feel as sure, although I kind of like not being sure. Makes us special."
"Well, I guess opposites attract."
I thought about joking about "Junah" (portmanteau nickname a work in progress) then, but things were heading in a fun direction, so I just said "I guess so" and leaned in for a kiss.
-Magdaryl
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Jenn/Zack: "Little" Jenn
I guess I've been a little sheepish about sharing my experiences on this blog because I'm still waiting for... well, something. Something about this situation that I can get excited about. But it's been a few weeks and I feel like I'm learning.
I also feel like I'm becoming accustomed to being a layabout, a live-in housekeeper and a "kept man" - being that my boyfriend, who is living the jet-setting life of home decor mogul Lena Howard, pays for everything, and my "job," Zack's photography career, is really more of a glorified hobby for me.
I started going to the gym. I thought, whatever mysterious force caused that Inn to change my into Zack granted me a killer set of abs, so it would be a shame to lose them. I'm hardly a fitness freak in my regular life - I like low-impact, low-result workouts, I've dabbled in pilates and spin and every New Year I resolve to start running, but really there's not much incentive. Now, I have nothing but time, and a hot new body to flex.
Can I just tell you... it is amazing to be strong. I mean, Zack is not Mr. Muscles by any means but I am impressed with how much lifting I can do! I can just sit there pumping my guns until I get tired, watching that bicep go up and down. It's a bit of a turn on. Which brings me to my next point, of course...
I have been working on developing a relationship with certain new body part of mine. I know, it's been months, and it's not like this is new-new since I didn't post for weeks, but it did take a little bit of time. When you wake up to this strange equipment situated between your legs, and it's not what you're used to or what you want... and it isn't performing the way you most often experience it... it's strange and off-putting. Gah, I'm getting flustered just trying to talk about it.
I'm a healthy straight girl. I have a love for this organ - in its natural habitat. Normally I only know what a penis was like in a sexual context. I know enough about shrinkage and everything, but in its flaccid form I find the whole thing so goofy that I'd rather not look or think about it. And when I first saw mine, er, Zack's, it was definitely in a relaxed state. And I was certainly not in a position to change that.
Then time goes by. You get comfortable. You've used it for its other purpose enough that putting your hands on it doesn't seem so weird anymore, but as much as you want to regain that sexual attachment it's just... equipment. I worked hard to mentally get over that hurdle and think how cool it should be that I now have access to something I have been curious about since I was old enough to have sex... or old enough to pretend I knew what sex was like! But the thrilling part didn't come because all the stresses and frustrations of our lives were swirling around me. Al my anxieties about my relationship and caring for my boyfriend in the body of this older woman... made me think about him first and me not at all. There were times I would actually forget I wasn't a woman anymore, if you can believe it.
The past six weeks have been sexually frustrating because neither of us had wanted to have sex. David was adamant that he was not interested in letting me explore that region of his new body, and I certainly didn't push the issue because as well-preserved and beautiful in a "grand dame" kind of way as Lena is, I didn't feel attraction.
Until I did.
We were sitting on the couch - apart, to give him the space he desires now - really not doing anything, bingeing a really bad MTV show I had TiVo'd, when suddenly I became hyper-aware of the person next to me. Something clicked into place that made me think, this is not just an older woman, this is a beautiful woman, and she has the mind and soul of the man I love. When she would get up to get a beer, I would get a peek at her body - her hips, her bum, and think... wow. There's really something going on there.
And then "Little Jenn" woke up.
It was the craziest feeling, good and bad all at once. No wonder guys are so obsessed with their boners, it's impossible to think of anything else when you have one! I tried to adjust myself in my seat, I hoped to God that he wouldn't notice the bulge protruding from my pants, and of course he didn't.
When I could find a moment I excused myself to the restroom to get a look.
It looked huge. Huge and stiff, just like I had hoped. Almost instinctively, I wrapped my hand around it and found it a perfect fit - again, no wonder guys are always doing this, their bodies are designed for it!
Just the sight of it, the feel of it in my hand, the feel of my hand on it, I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. It was like a missing piece of me had returned - different from before but most welcome. It was exactly the fantasy of being the opposite sex that you would think, that I wasn't experiencing and didn't think I really would!
And to my dismay... it didn't take very long. I tried to make it last but just as I was getting off and running... I had a mess on my hands.
I felt drained, I felt ashamed... I felt like... the world must surely know what I had done and how wrong it was, and that David would be so disappointed (for some reason, even though it's obvious he doesn't care.) The unabashed, sexy thoughts I had had just moments earlier turned sour in my head and left me. Sex was the last thing I wanted to think about, as my little unit shrunk back up. It felt good, for the moment, and really great for a split second, and then just like that it was over. And in that moment, I really felt like I understood men a million times better than I ever thought I would. Why they are the way they are, how they can treat women the way they do. Just for a moment though, and that doesn't excuse it for them.
After feeling sour at the end of the experience, I thought that was it - I had tried it once, and liked it a bit and felt down afterwards so I probably wasn't going to want more of it. But lo and behold, the next day, the feeling came back. My mind started wandering and ideating all these scenarios, pushing this confusing but enticing narrative of myself as a sexy, sexual male and any person I could imagine as a potential partner (I'm trying to steer it at David, but knowing how unreceptive he is to this whole thing makes even the idea of fantasizing about him a little dicey somehow.... which is a whole other issue.) It's all this weird hormonal rush, on a schedule that's all new to me.
Up until all this, I was feeling the lack of intimacy, and the lack of desire to be intimate, but also understanding where I was at and where my partner was at. I accepted the new status quo that, sure maybe we won't be a couple that is intimate, at least for a while. But now I've moved into this new phase and I'm really hoping David can join me in this place and maybe we can explore that together. I love him as a person, as difficult as he can be and as hard as it has been to weather all this. And I want to show that love, and support him, and maybe - if he wants - reawaken this part of him, of "us."
Until then... I guess I'm, just on my own.
I also feel like I'm becoming accustomed to being a layabout, a live-in housekeeper and a "kept man" - being that my boyfriend, who is living the jet-setting life of home decor mogul Lena Howard, pays for everything, and my "job," Zack's photography career, is really more of a glorified hobby for me.
I started going to the gym. I thought, whatever mysterious force caused that Inn to change my into Zack granted me a killer set of abs, so it would be a shame to lose them. I'm hardly a fitness freak in my regular life - I like low-impact, low-result workouts, I've dabbled in pilates and spin and every New Year I resolve to start running, but really there's not much incentive. Now, I have nothing but time, and a hot new body to flex.
Can I just tell you... it is amazing to be strong. I mean, Zack is not Mr. Muscles by any means but I am impressed with how much lifting I can do! I can just sit there pumping my guns until I get tired, watching that bicep go up and down. It's a bit of a turn on. Which brings me to my next point, of course...
I have been working on developing a relationship with certain new body part of mine. I know, it's been months, and it's not like this is new-new since I didn't post for weeks, but it did take a little bit of time. When you wake up to this strange equipment situated between your legs, and it's not what you're used to or what you want... and it isn't performing the way you most often experience it... it's strange and off-putting. Gah, I'm getting flustered just trying to talk about it.
I'm a healthy straight girl. I have a love for this organ - in its natural habitat. Normally I only know what a penis was like in a sexual context. I know enough about shrinkage and everything, but in its flaccid form I find the whole thing so goofy that I'd rather not look or think about it. And when I first saw mine, er, Zack's, it was definitely in a relaxed state. And I was certainly not in a position to change that.
Then time goes by. You get comfortable. You've used it for its other purpose enough that putting your hands on it doesn't seem so weird anymore, but as much as you want to regain that sexual attachment it's just... equipment. I worked hard to mentally get over that hurdle and think how cool it should be that I now have access to something I have been curious about since I was old enough to have sex... or old enough to pretend I knew what sex was like! But the thrilling part didn't come because all the stresses and frustrations of our lives were swirling around me. Al my anxieties about my relationship and caring for my boyfriend in the body of this older woman... made me think about him first and me not at all. There were times I would actually forget I wasn't a woman anymore, if you can believe it.
The past six weeks have been sexually frustrating because neither of us had wanted to have sex. David was adamant that he was not interested in letting me explore that region of his new body, and I certainly didn't push the issue because as well-preserved and beautiful in a "grand dame" kind of way as Lena is, I didn't feel attraction.
Until I did.
We were sitting on the couch - apart, to give him the space he desires now - really not doing anything, bingeing a really bad MTV show I had TiVo'd, when suddenly I became hyper-aware of the person next to me. Something clicked into place that made me think, this is not just an older woman, this is a beautiful woman, and she has the mind and soul of the man I love. When she would get up to get a beer, I would get a peek at her body - her hips, her bum, and think... wow. There's really something going on there.
And then "Little Jenn" woke up.
It was the craziest feeling, good and bad all at once. No wonder guys are so obsessed with their boners, it's impossible to think of anything else when you have one! I tried to adjust myself in my seat, I hoped to God that he wouldn't notice the bulge protruding from my pants, and of course he didn't.
When I could find a moment I excused myself to the restroom to get a look.
It looked huge. Huge and stiff, just like I had hoped. Almost instinctively, I wrapped my hand around it and found it a perfect fit - again, no wonder guys are always doing this, their bodies are designed for it!
Just the sight of it, the feel of it in my hand, the feel of my hand on it, I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. It was like a missing piece of me had returned - different from before but most welcome. It was exactly the fantasy of being the opposite sex that you would think, that I wasn't experiencing and didn't think I really would!
And to my dismay... it didn't take very long. I tried to make it last but just as I was getting off and running... I had a mess on my hands.
I felt drained, I felt ashamed... I felt like... the world must surely know what I had done and how wrong it was, and that David would be so disappointed (for some reason, even though it's obvious he doesn't care.) The unabashed, sexy thoughts I had had just moments earlier turned sour in my head and left me. Sex was the last thing I wanted to think about, as my little unit shrunk back up. It felt good, for the moment, and really great for a split second, and then just like that it was over. And in that moment, I really felt like I understood men a million times better than I ever thought I would. Why they are the way they are, how they can treat women the way they do. Just for a moment though, and that doesn't excuse it for them.
After feeling sour at the end of the experience, I thought that was it - I had tried it once, and liked it a bit and felt down afterwards so I probably wasn't going to want more of it. But lo and behold, the next day, the feeling came back. My mind started wandering and ideating all these scenarios, pushing this confusing but enticing narrative of myself as a sexy, sexual male and any person I could imagine as a potential partner (I'm trying to steer it at David, but knowing how unreceptive he is to this whole thing makes even the idea of fantasizing about him a little dicey somehow.... which is a whole other issue.) It's all this weird hormonal rush, on a schedule that's all new to me.
Up until all this, I was feeling the lack of intimacy, and the lack of desire to be intimate, but also understanding where I was at and where my partner was at. I accepted the new status quo that, sure maybe we won't be a couple that is intimate, at least for a while. But now I've moved into this new phase and I'm really hoping David can join me in this place and maybe we can explore that together. I love him as a person, as difficult as he can be and as hard as it has been to weather all this. And I want to show that love, and support him, and maybe - if he wants - reawaken this part of him, of "us."
Until then... I guess I'm, just on my own.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Pete/April: My New Role
I have to admit, it was strange changing from being Brigette to April. From being a tall, lean, beauteous African-American goddess to being a petite, even mousy-looking office girl was very trippy. But I've come to like it. As much as I happen to think April is a pretty girl, she doesn't turn heads the way that Brigette did. I foudn her wardrobe is distinctly not geared toward dropping jaws or showing anything off - more for comfort and cuteness. She does have an LBD or two in the wardrobe but her body isn't exactly glamorous.
It's been an adjustment. I feel like I can't just walk into a place with the same attention-grabbing energy that I had as Brigette. In fact, on my first day at Homeward, I tried using the same attitude toward people that I had as Brigette - which some would call overbearing but I call confident - and by noon people were asking what had gotten into me, and I got the sense that I needed to tone it down, that they were used to a very subdued, quietly intelligent April. No big deal, I can do that.
I mean, I could have said "This is the new me, deal with it" but truth be told, I don't feel it in myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I see this person and I feel compelled to act how I think she would - which is the approach that I think annoyed Daryl when we went out together as Elaine and Brig, but now it's totally different too.
Now I'm Asian instead of Black... I did feel like I was losing something I had become very fond of, although some of my Inn friends have pointed out that it's kind of icky that I relished being non-white the way I did/do. And I'm sorry but I feel like you're either going to mope about it or you're going to embrace it and I chose the latter, and I still do. Two days after I got back to the City, a guy on the street asked me for directions, then when I hesitated, he snapped angrily, "Do you even speak English?" I responded by muttering some Asian-sounding gibberish and walking away. I get the sense that this is something that might happen a few more times before my time as April is over.
So. I'm April, personal assistant to Homeward CEO and Founder Lena Howard, a (small-scale, relatively speaking) would-be lifestyle maven. I let David know right off the bat just how lucky he was to have me, because no matter what you think of how I choose to live my life I have always conducted myself with the utmost competence and dignity in the workplace. I all but secured Brigette a promotion following her return.. I've worked in a lot of different fields. I've seen things, I know things. Yes, I'm capable of arranging someone's calendar.
So we've become sort of a two-headed boss. It's funny to read about Jenn wishing she had become Lena because I was thinking the same thing; it would make things so much easier for me, and would probably take less of a toll on those kids and their relationship. But we have to play the hand we're dealt. So I watch David grope around trying to get the hang of managing a company (I told you it's small time, only about 100 people) and deal with people beneath him and leave the decisions to the department heads. He just has to show up, nod and smile, dress as Jenn directs him to, and follow my lead, and maybe by the end of the year people won't think poor Lena's totally lost touch.
The sad thing about all this is where it leaves my personal life. As I watched Tyler's datebook fill up - even as dramatic as she can be some times (highly entertaining don't you think?) I wished I could join in on the scene, but I had promised Brigette I wouldn't entangle her with any relationships. It seems only fair that I offer April the same courtesy since the whole world thinks she's still with Zack, Whatever happens between Jenn and David, they're pretty well in it together, so that leaves me as the third wheel - as usual - left at home with myself.
(Looks down)
Well, it could be worse ;)
-Pete/Apey
It's been an adjustment. I feel like I can't just walk into a place with the same attention-grabbing energy that I had as Brigette. In fact, on my first day at Homeward, I tried using the same attitude toward people that I had as Brigette - which some would call overbearing but I call confident - and by noon people were asking what had gotten into me, and I got the sense that I needed to tone it down, that they were used to a very subdued, quietly intelligent April. No big deal, I can do that.
I mean, I could have said "This is the new me, deal with it" but truth be told, I don't feel it in myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I see this person and I feel compelled to act how I think she would - which is the approach that I think annoyed Daryl when we went out together as Elaine and Brig, but now it's totally different too.
Now I'm Asian instead of Black... I did feel like I was losing something I had become very fond of, although some of my Inn friends have pointed out that it's kind of icky that I relished being non-white the way I did/do. And I'm sorry but I feel like you're either going to mope about it or you're going to embrace it and I chose the latter, and I still do. Two days after I got back to the City, a guy on the street asked me for directions, then when I hesitated, he snapped angrily, "Do you even speak English?" I responded by muttering some Asian-sounding gibberish and walking away. I get the sense that this is something that might happen a few more times before my time as April is over.
So. I'm April, personal assistant to Homeward CEO and Founder Lena Howard, a (small-scale, relatively speaking) would-be lifestyle maven. I let David know right off the bat just how lucky he was to have me, because no matter what you think of how I choose to live my life I have always conducted myself with the utmost competence and dignity in the workplace. I all but secured Brigette a promotion following her return.. I've worked in a lot of different fields. I've seen things, I know things. Yes, I'm capable of arranging someone's calendar.
So we've become sort of a two-headed boss. It's funny to read about Jenn wishing she had become Lena because I was thinking the same thing; it would make things so much easier for me, and would probably take less of a toll on those kids and their relationship. But we have to play the hand we're dealt. So I watch David grope around trying to get the hang of managing a company (I told you it's small time, only about 100 people) and deal with people beneath him and leave the decisions to the department heads. He just has to show up, nod and smile, dress as Jenn directs him to, and follow my lead, and maybe by the end of the year people won't think poor Lena's totally lost touch.
The sad thing about all this is where it leaves my personal life. As I watched Tyler's datebook fill up - even as dramatic as she can be some times (highly entertaining don't you think?) I wished I could join in on the scene, but I had promised Brigette I wouldn't entangle her with any relationships. It seems only fair that I offer April the same courtesy since the whole world thinks she's still with Zack, Whatever happens between Jenn and David, they're pretty well in it together, so that leaves me as the third wheel - as usual - left at home with myself.
(Looks down)
Well, it could be worse ;)
-Pete/Apey
Friday, September 14, 2018
Jenn/Zack: Penthouse
It has been a difficult few weeks, to put it mildly. This situation has put thrown already-somewhat-struggling relationship with David for a loop. I have to get used to moving around the world looking like an entirely different person - a male at that. I have to learn a new job and move to a big, intimidating city where I never expected to find myself.
Frankly, peeing in a standing position is not worth this at all. I'll continue to sit out of protest.
For our last few days at the Inn, things were what they were, and I let him process it. I tried to be there for him but he still wouldn't really let me in. To his credit he tamped down the verbal complaints, but that didn't make him any more fun. Luckily we had Pete to cut the tension by by taking us through the steps. She's been extremely valuable, even fun to talk to. Getting her reflections on her time as Brigette and some of the other things she's been and done really heartened me. I hope she starts to post again.
When we arrived in New York, the first thing we did was visit Lena's penthouse condo. I was in awe. I mean, obviously she's got fantastic home decor taste - beautiful furniture, amazing accents and throws, an incredible kitchen. I went to her bathroom and was totally gobsmacked at her selection of skin creams and home spa materials. Then there's the clothes, the cosmetics, the jewelry! I spent hours and hours just ogling it all. It was so exciting I think I got my first erection. (OMG kidding.)
So while I'm going nuts over all this treasure, David is just nodding along, "Uh huh, that's nice, whatever." And I know it's not his thing, but I wish he understood. Maybe a time will come when he's interested in learning more about it and we can bond over that. I mean, maybe I'm just selfish or I'm looking for a project to keep me busy, or I think it's just such a shame if all this stuff goes unused, but I'd love to walk him through it and see if he develops a taste for it. Maybe it's just for me... maybe it's like having a real life doll to play with.
Gah. So not fair.
So we got to the bedroom and there's this beautiful king-sized bed. And we share this look like, "Oooh boy, this is gonna be a talk."
He sits down on the bed and lays his hand on his breast - a weird little motion he keeps doing to remind himself this is all real. I sit beside him, sure to keep my distance. He goes, "Sooo..."
I cut him off, because it hurts less if I say it: "I think there's a guest room down the hall. If you want, I can..."
"That what you want?"
I take a moment, "Not really," I say.
A long pause.
"I'm tryin' here," he says.
"I know," I say. I want to lean in and kiss him or touch him in some way but I know that will scare him.
"I look at you and... well, you're a guy now."
"I'm still me inside," I'm quick to say. "I'm not just a guy, I'm your girlfriend, and I happen to be going through the same thing you are, more or less. I don't want you to be afraid to get close to me. I know the body thing is a barrier, that you would never feel a certain way about a person who looks like this, but... I'm asking. I'm begging you, to make some kind of exception and try to see me for who I am. Don't push me away... the only way we're going to survive this year is if we do it together."
He took a long pause and looked away, but I found his eyes - the eyes of Lena Howard - and tried to see my David in there. I know he's in there, and if I can see it, I hoped, so could he.
He rested his hand on mine - his aged, slender fingers on my big mitt.
We looked at each other.
Almost as a reflex, I tilted my head forward for a kiss, but stopped myself. I was embarrassed because I thought that would be the last thing he would want, even if I'm starved for love after a week.
But he caught on and leaned forward and kissed me. On the cheek, but it was still a big gesture.
He scooted a little closer to me on the bed.
"This is so weird," he says with a little smile, one that makes me think he's defrosting.
"You're telling me," I smile back. I go to wrap my arm around his shoulders - "Can I...?"
"Um, sure..." he says, but he's clearly not comfortable.
And we had to have a pretty uncomfortable talk about it.
"No sex though," he says firmly, and I agree... and it's not like I'm overly keen on the idea either, but we're still us and we're still in love and I think physicality is a part of it. I'm not in a rush but I do think, with a year ahead of us, the idea could be revisited (isn't he curious??)
Eventually, it was time to send him to work. The luxury of running your own company is that if you haul off for an extra few weeks of vacation people tend not to second-guess it (the real April has been doing work from their new home in Springfield.) The bad news is you do have to go back eventually... which was a whole ordeal because of course I had to get David up and ready and styled for his first day as Lena Howard, CEO. I picked out a week's worth of outfits that I thought were somewhat gender-neutral (to my surprise he rejected some pantsuits as "too Hillary." Oh, dresses then? Lena has a ton of beautiful skirts and blouses...) I also did her makeup and accessories of course.
It was tough, though, because David is going from being unemployed for months to running his own company. He says it's not too stressful, but I suspect that's mostly because Pete is there covering.
And me... I was asked to take on some of Zack's work as a photographer. As a freelancer he is worried about losing clients if he takes himself off the market for a year, so I had him give me a crash-course in what he does and how he does it, and all the software and equipment he uses. Of course he agreed to collaborate as best he could, time permitting. I don't mind it so far, it's been fun.
Besides, if all I had to do was be a houseboy for "Lena Howard" I think I would be bored out of my skull!
-J/Z
Frankly, peeing in a standing position is not worth this at all. I'll continue to sit out of protest.
For our last few days at the Inn, things were what they were, and I let him process it. I tried to be there for him but he still wouldn't really let me in. To his credit he tamped down the verbal complaints, but that didn't make him any more fun. Luckily we had Pete to cut the tension by by taking us through the steps. She's been extremely valuable, even fun to talk to. Getting her reflections on her time as Brigette and some of the other things she's been and done really heartened me. I hope she starts to post again.
When we arrived in New York, the first thing we did was visit Lena's penthouse condo. I was in awe. I mean, obviously she's got fantastic home decor taste - beautiful furniture, amazing accents and throws, an incredible kitchen. I went to her bathroom and was totally gobsmacked at her selection of skin creams and home spa materials. Then there's the clothes, the cosmetics, the jewelry! I spent hours and hours just ogling it all. It was so exciting I think I got my first erection. (OMG kidding.)
So while I'm going nuts over all this treasure, David is just nodding along, "Uh huh, that's nice, whatever." And I know it's not his thing, but I wish he understood. Maybe a time will come when he's interested in learning more about it and we can bond over that. I mean, maybe I'm just selfish or I'm looking for a project to keep me busy, or I think it's just such a shame if all this stuff goes unused, but I'd love to walk him through it and see if he develops a taste for it. Maybe it's just for me... maybe it's like having a real life doll to play with.
Gah. So not fair.
So we got to the bedroom and there's this beautiful king-sized bed. And we share this look like, "Oooh boy, this is gonna be a talk."
He sits down on the bed and lays his hand on his breast - a weird little motion he keeps doing to remind himself this is all real. I sit beside him, sure to keep my distance. He goes, "Sooo..."
I cut him off, because it hurts less if I say it: "I think there's a guest room down the hall. If you want, I can..."
"That what you want?"
I take a moment, "Not really," I say.
A long pause.
"I'm tryin' here," he says.
"I know," I say. I want to lean in and kiss him or touch him in some way but I know that will scare him.
"I look at you and... well, you're a guy now."
"I'm still me inside," I'm quick to say. "I'm not just a guy, I'm your girlfriend, and I happen to be going through the same thing you are, more or less. I don't want you to be afraid to get close to me. I know the body thing is a barrier, that you would never feel a certain way about a person who looks like this, but... I'm asking. I'm begging you, to make some kind of exception and try to see me for who I am. Don't push me away... the only way we're going to survive this year is if we do it together."
He took a long pause and looked away, but I found his eyes - the eyes of Lena Howard - and tried to see my David in there. I know he's in there, and if I can see it, I hoped, so could he.
He rested his hand on mine - his aged, slender fingers on my big mitt.
We looked at each other.
Almost as a reflex, I tilted my head forward for a kiss, but stopped myself. I was embarrassed because I thought that would be the last thing he would want, even if I'm starved for love after a week.
But he caught on and leaned forward and kissed me. On the cheek, but it was still a big gesture.
He scooted a little closer to me on the bed.
"This is so weird," he says with a little smile, one that makes me think he's defrosting.
"You're telling me," I smile back. I go to wrap my arm around his shoulders - "Can I...?"
"Um, sure..." he says, but he's clearly not comfortable.
And we had to have a pretty uncomfortable talk about it.
"No sex though," he says firmly, and I agree... and it's not like I'm overly keen on the idea either, but we're still us and we're still in love and I think physicality is a part of it. I'm not in a rush but I do think, with a year ahead of us, the idea could be revisited (isn't he curious??)
Eventually, it was time to send him to work. The luxury of running your own company is that if you haul off for an extra few weeks of vacation people tend not to second-guess it (the real April has been doing work from their new home in Springfield.) The bad news is you do have to go back eventually... which was a whole ordeal because of course I had to get David up and ready and styled for his first day as Lena Howard, CEO. I picked out a week's worth of outfits that I thought were somewhat gender-neutral (to my surprise he rejected some pantsuits as "too Hillary." Oh, dresses then? Lena has a ton of beautiful skirts and blouses...) I also did her makeup and accessories of course.
It was tough, though, because David is going from being unemployed for months to running his own company. He says it's not too stressful, but I suspect that's mostly because Pete is there covering.
And me... I was asked to take on some of Zack's work as a photographer. As a freelancer he is worried about losing clients if he takes himself off the market for a year, so I had him give me a crash-course in what he does and how he does it, and all the software and equipment he uses. Of course he agreed to collaborate as best he could, time permitting. I don't mind it so far, it's been fun.
Besides, if all I had to do was be a houseboy for "Lena Howard" I think I would be bored out of my skull!
-J/Z
Wednesday, September 05, 2018
Jenn (is still getting used to looking like a Zack): An unfair trade
I would never take away David's right to complain about what's happened to him/us, but I'm already finding myself getting a little tired of the relentless negativity. Every sentence out of his mouth the past few days has been how awful this is, and how gross it feels to be in Lena's body and how badly he doesn't want to go along with it... I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to be comforting. I know it's no picnic. But he doesn't want to hear it. Even when he's not being explicitly negative, there's an undertone of annoyance at the situation that really cuts.
He unfolds a rather lacey - honestly, very expensive - pair of underwear that Lena had in her bag, and grimaces, "Yuck, why do women wear these?" As if two weeks ago he wasn't complaining that I never seem to be wearing lingerie under my everyday clothes.
"My boobs won't stop jiggling," he pouts. "Every little movement, there they go."
"So wear a bra, hon," I say. He rolls his eyes and goes "Pfft," like he's above it. So far he's just hanging out in his own dirty clothes.
For the record, David has also stated he doesn't get the point of this blog, and said he has no intention of ever reading it (He never got on Insta or Snap either, and he only follows like five accounts on Twitter.) Which is probably for the best, because if I showed him what this Daryl person was writing about recently, his brain would explode. Anyway, whatever you hear about him, you'll probably hear from me or maybe Pete. And I intend on being as candid as anyone else who writes here...
Pete highlighted a few key posts forus me to read, laying out some best and worst case scenarios. It's been... interesting reading, to be sure.
I can't blame David for any of this but it doesn't make him pleasant to deal with, because it makes it feel like we're not in this together. Like my life hasn't been turned inside-out as well. He has this perception that being male is so great that everyone must prefer it, like I should be happier about it. And I can acknowledge that it comes with certain advantages and privileges, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer my outside to match my inside. I'm a total girly-girl - I crave new purses and shoes, I fantasize about what I can do with my hair, I never leave the house without makeup. Of course that also means that if I ever do, I'm going to face a lot of remarks like "You look tired/sick today."
My point is, It's not fair to either of us that I'm Zack and he's Lena. Being a man doesn't seem like fun to me, it seems very banal. It's a real loss. Maybe it's ironic that Pete gets where I'm coming from, but maybe not... he's been to the other side, he "gets" the appeal, even if it comes with a sacrifice thanks to society (and, well, biology.) But you don't need me to extol the virtues of femininity here, I'm sure.
I just... look down at the borrowed crew-neck shirt I'm wearing and sigh. Then I re-apply deodorant because Zack is sweaty AF.
I can at least look on the bright side. If you have to be a guy, it pays to be a fit, young, pretty guy with high cheekbones and a trim waist. And beautiful eyelashes. Not a fan of the stubble, though. And if David has to be a woman, he's a financially well-off, older single (i.e. isn't going to get a nasty surprise when we get home) woman who runs her own company. God, what I'd give to be HBIC! I love David, but I'm not sure he's fit to run a snackbar. And Lena looks amazing for her age, I'd love to steal her skincare secrets - not that David appreciates any of that.
I don't know. I'm scared of the pendulum swinging too far the other way - as it seems to do for many, like Pete - and finding out that David, or I, prefer our new configurations. But like, we've got to find ways not to think it's just all miserable all the time.
At the very least we've got... eight months? A year? That's a long time to just sit and be huffy about something you can't change.
Best,
Jenn "Zack" Ryland
He unfolds a rather lacey - honestly, very expensive - pair of underwear that Lena had in her bag, and grimaces, "Yuck, why do women wear these?" As if two weeks ago he wasn't complaining that I never seem to be wearing lingerie under my everyday clothes.
"My boobs won't stop jiggling," he pouts. "Every little movement, there they go."
"So wear a bra, hon," I say. He rolls his eyes and goes "Pfft," like he's above it. So far he's just hanging out in his own dirty clothes.
For the record, David has also stated he doesn't get the point of this blog, and said he has no intention of ever reading it (He never got on Insta or Snap either, and he only follows like five accounts on Twitter.) Which is probably for the best, because if I showed him what this Daryl person was writing about recently, his brain would explode. Anyway, whatever you hear about him, you'll probably hear from me or maybe Pete. And I intend on being as candid as anyone else who writes here...
Pete highlighted a few key posts for
I can't blame David for any of this but it doesn't make him pleasant to deal with, because it makes it feel like we're not in this together. Like my life hasn't been turned inside-out as well. He has this perception that being male is so great that everyone must prefer it, like I should be happier about it. And I can acknowledge that it comes with certain advantages and privileges, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer my outside to match my inside. I'm a total girly-girl - I crave new purses and shoes, I fantasize about what I can do with my hair, I never leave the house without makeup. Of course that also means that if I ever do, I'm going to face a lot of remarks like "You look tired/sick today."
My point is, It's not fair to either of us that I'm Zack and he's Lena. Being a man doesn't seem like fun to me, it seems very banal. It's a real loss. Maybe it's ironic that Pete gets where I'm coming from, but maybe not... he's been to the other side, he "gets" the appeal, even if it comes with a sacrifice thanks to society (and, well, biology.) But you don't need me to extol the virtues of femininity here, I'm sure.
I just... look down at the borrowed crew-neck shirt I'm wearing and sigh. Then I re-apply deodorant because Zack is sweaty AF.
I can at least look on the bright side. If you have to be a guy, it pays to be a fit, young, pretty guy with high cheekbones and a trim waist. And beautiful eyelashes. Not a fan of the stubble, though. And if David has to be a woman, he's a financially well-off, older single (i.e. isn't going to get a nasty surprise when we get home) woman who runs her own company. God, what I'd give to be HBIC! I love David, but I'm not sure he's fit to run a snackbar. And Lena looks amazing for her age, I'd love to steal her skincare secrets - not that David appreciates any of that.
I don't know. I'm scared of the pendulum swinging too far the other way - as it seems to do for many, like Pete - and finding out that David, or I, prefer our new configurations. But like, we've got to find ways not to think it's just all miserable all the time.
At the very least we've got... eight months? A year? That's a long time to just sit and be huffy about something you can't change.
Best,
Jenn "Zack" Ryland
Sunday, September 02, 2018
Jenn: Not the getaway I wanted
It's been a few days and I still can't believe it. I wake up in the morning and I'm different. I keep expecting to find myself in my comfy cozy bed with my boyfriend next to me in the body I'm supposed to have but it only takes a second to remember that's not the case. Then depending on the day, it makes me either excited, or sad.
I'll start from the beginning. My name's Jenn Ryland, I'm 26 years old, from Denver, CO. My BF David and I wanted a getaway and I'd never seen the ocean so I thought Maine would be nice. You, reader of this blog, know what happens next.
There were signs that maybe we should have turned around as soon as we got there. The rustic little Inn was a little more run-down than I was hoping for. And from the moment we got there we were bickering like usual, especially because I caught him giving the look to a beautiful black girl we saw coming the opposite way. He tried to deny it, and say that she had nodded at him first, but I know a wandering eye when I see one.
Whatever. We were both on edge because he's been unemployed all year and it has put a strain on our relationship. Maybe we've gotten stale. That's what this vacay was supposed to fix. Either that or break us up. But I wasn't going down without a fight, so I made it my mission to make him forget about everyone else: get done up, dress sexy, take him out, cheer him up, and of course ply him with liquor. And so far it had been working.
Maybe too well - the night "it happened" we were so trashed we passed out and didn't even notice. I vaguely recall being awakened by someone (David) thrashing around beside me in bed, but other than that...
Well, it was a shock when I woke up. Because I could immediately tell I was not me anymore. No, those hairy forearms and big feet with the unkempt toenails were a surprise, as was the male equipment and flat chest.
So was the presence of the woman next to me: older, probably in her mid-40;s, although with good skin and probably some work done (including in the chest) and short blonde hair cropped to her shoulders. But I'm not a total dumdum, I could see she was wearing David's college tee, and I could see what had happened to me. The "stranger" in my bed was my man.
I got up and found that I had been transformed into a skinny, Adam Levine-looking guy. I breathlessly tried to explain to David what I had figured out - as he regarded his new figure with shock and disgust ("Boobs?!" he cried out in horror, whipping his top off to examine the goods and inadvertently giving me a "show.") But just as we were determining our next move, there came a knock at the door.
I opened it a crack and saw a pretty Asian woman standing there. She flashed a Driver's License that had my new face on it. "Hi, you must be... this person."
"I guess so?" I winced.
"Don't be alarmed," she said authoritatively, "It happened to everyone here... you've become the previous visitors to this room. Only your luggage was in my room, because we --" she gestured to herself and me, "Were a couple. Well, Zack Collins and April Hashimoto."
She extended her hand. "My name's Pete, but you may have seen me walking around as a black woman named Brigette."
I glanced back to David, who was otherwise occupied.
We talked a little longer, as she explained that she was a return visitor who was unable to get her original male body back, but that wasn't the case for everybody, and this could be temporary for us, if we are able to arrange it as such.
As if anticipating my next question, she explained that nobody not affected by the curse could believe it, although there was a blog where we could pour our hearts out if we so desired.
Circling back, I asked how she knew "Zack and April" were a couple, and she produced the letters left behind. They also explained who David had become... Lena Howard.
Maybe you've heard of her. She's the founder and CEO of a Homeward, a "popular lifestyle brand." I'm not familiar with it, although browsing their website I see tons of candles and decor ideas that I love. Only now, she's in the body of a 3-year-old kid, in the custody of the real April and Zack - not really in any condition to be running a business.
I could argue that she's still more qualified than David, but I mean that affectionately.
April is her personal assistant, which is handy... if the boss disappears for a few extra weeks, nobody's going to tell her not to, and if she's not around, her PA doesn't exactly have any work to do. And me, er, Zack, he's a professional photographer. I've taken a few pics in my life, so while I don't know if I can slip effortlessly into that role, it's... well, doable. Plus, all being based out of NYC doesn't sound so bad.
I mean, what choice have we got, right?
Well, that's me, and my experience so far...
-Jenn-Zack
I'll start from the beginning. My name's Jenn Ryland, I'm 26 years old, from Denver, CO. My BF David and I wanted a getaway and I'd never seen the ocean so I thought Maine would be nice. You, reader of this blog, know what happens next.
There were signs that maybe we should have turned around as soon as we got there. The rustic little Inn was a little more run-down than I was hoping for. And from the moment we got there we were bickering like usual, especially because I caught him giving the look to a beautiful black girl we saw coming the opposite way. He tried to deny it, and say that she had nodded at him first, but I know a wandering eye when I see one.
Whatever. We were both on edge because he's been unemployed all year and it has put a strain on our relationship. Maybe we've gotten stale. That's what this vacay was supposed to fix. Either that or break us up. But I wasn't going down without a fight, so I made it my mission to make him forget about everyone else: get done up, dress sexy, take him out, cheer him up, and of course ply him with liquor. And so far it had been working.
Maybe too well - the night "it happened" we were so trashed we passed out and didn't even notice. I vaguely recall being awakened by someone (David) thrashing around beside me in bed, but other than that...
Well, it was a shock when I woke up. Because I could immediately tell I was not me anymore. No, those hairy forearms and big feet with the unkempt toenails were a surprise, as was the male equipment and flat chest.
So was the presence of the woman next to me: older, probably in her mid-40;s, although with good skin and probably some work done (including in the chest) and short blonde hair cropped to her shoulders. But I'm not a total dumdum, I could see she was wearing David's college tee, and I could see what had happened to me. The "stranger" in my bed was my man.
I got up and found that I had been transformed into a skinny, Adam Levine-looking guy. I breathlessly tried to explain to David what I had figured out - as he regarded his new figure with shock and disgust ("Boobs?!" he cried out in horror, whipping his top off to examine the goods and inadvertently giving me a "show.") But just as we were determining our next move, there came a knock at the door.
I opened it a crack and saw a pretty Asian woman standing there. She flashed a Driver's License that had my new face on it. "Hi, you must be... this person."
"I guess so?" I winced.
"Don't be alarmed," she said authoritatively, "It happened to everyone here... you've become the previous visitors to this room. Only your luggage was in my room, because we --" she gestured to herself and me, "Were a couple. Well, Zack Collins and April Hashimoto."
She extended her hand. "My name's Pete, but you may have seen me walking around as a black woman named Brigette."
I glanced back to David, who was otherwise occupied.
We talked a little longer, as she explained that she was a return visitor who was unable to get her original male body back, but that wasn't the case for everybody, and this could be temporary for us, if we are able to arrange it as such.
As if anticipating my next question, she explained that nobody not affected by the curse could believe it, although there was a blog where we could pour our hearts out if we so desired.
Circling back, I asked how she knew "Zack and April" were a couple, and she produced the letters left behind. They also explained who David had become... Lena Howard.
Maybe you've heard of her. She's the founder and CEO of a Homeward, a "popular lifestyle brand." I'm not familiar with it, although browsing their website I see tons of candles and decor ideas that I love. Only now, she's in the body of a 3-year-old kid, in the custody of the real April and Zack - not really in any condition to be running a business.
I could argue that she's still more qualified than David, but I mean that affectionately.
April is her personal assistant, which is handy... if the boss disappears for a few extra weeks, nobody's going to tell her not to, and if she's not around, her PA doesn't exactly have any work to do. And me, er, Zack, he's a professional photographer. I've taken a few pics in my life, so while I don't know if I can slip effortlessly into that role, it's... well, doable. Plus, all being based out of NYC doesn't sound so bad.
I mean, what choice have we got, right?
Well, that's me, and my experience so far...
-Jenn-Zack
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