I want to thank those of you who reached out and weighed in on my little shitfit the other night... reading back over it I'm a little embarrassed to have spilled my guts and let it all out there for the world to see, but at the time I felt very strongly. I hesitate to say it's a side-effect of being a woman except insomuch as maybe I'm a little more in tune with what I want instead of repressing and refusing to vocalize things that I wanted anyway. Laura and I still have some work to do to figure out how we're going to navigate this situation.
Good vibes only for now though.
We won a game the other night, and win lose or draw the new tradition is to go out for drinks and/or wings afterward. At first I was a little bashful about it, wanting to return to my hidey hole and ice my burning thighs, but the camaraderie is really good for me, especially since Daisy, our cheerleader who refuses to take the field, was going to be there.
I'm trying to find my way as far as interacting with people socially as a woman. I'm very leery of talking to guys, like Djuro or others, because when they look at me I get a little spooked, like, "What are you seeing here, are you thinking this is a possible romantic thing?" Just because that's how I remember it being often when I would talk to single women before I was married, even if, on the surface I didn't want to push anything like that, I always felt like it was smart to "keep the door open" and put it out there in case they were receptive... and I kinda-sorta get that vibe from some of the guys. Or maybe I'm just projecting and that's really what an innocent conversation between a man and a woman is supposed to look and feel like.
I've also gotten into this weird habit of... hugging people when they leave the bar? Maybe because I'm a couple of beers deep and loosened up, and it definitely started with Daisy, because I couldn't resist the urge to hug her, but once that train left the station suddenly everyone was getting hugs goodbye from me.
In my normal body, I would definitely hug women socially if the situation permitted it without even thinking about it, so I guess I was just unconsciously mirroring that, but at the end of the night I was like "wow, I really hugged 18 people goodbye, men and women."
It was a bit of trip to realize that. I don't know what it means or implies. But to tell the truth, I am quite soft and squishy, very huggable, and it feels nice, even with the guys.
I don't know. I've been unpacking that all day, and now there it is. What will tomorrow bring?