So, I started this affair with Chuck and Julia back in February. For a while things were great. I mean, if I ignored the nagging feeling in my gut that I was just a piece of meat, they were totally peachy keen.
There was the wild thrill of it all. I can't deny it. Getting caught up between two bodies, one male, one female, was in a way the perfect situation for me. I hadn't really felt much attraction to women since becoming Tori, but it wasn't as if I was turned off by them. I just stopped seeing them as potential romantic partners, because they stopped seeing me that way, and in time turned me attention to the men who were giving me attention. Which in the end, worked out, because I gained so many valuable female friendships... most of which have sadly fallen away as the girls have gotten on with their lives, moved away, or been tricked into going to the Inn in Sara's case. And I've been eyebrow-deep in work for so long that I couldn't really sustain the kind of romantic relationship (or friendship) I wanted.
So this was win-win. A way to get my (physical) needs served, expand my horizons even further, make up for lost time, and not worry about sustaining an emotional bond.
And I should point out that they were very good about the whole thing. Not just kind about opening their bed up to me, but about making me feel wanted, sexy, pleasured and pleasurable. It wasn't two women sharing one man, it was three people as a unit, together in a kind of physical poetry. Like wow.
It was everything at once: awkward and exciting, uncomfortable and welcoming, friendly and cold. Sexy and mechanical.
Meaningless sex isn't wrong, but after a few months of that, I started to feel like a ho. That's even a lie: I felt like a bit of a ho immediately, but I pushed that thought to the back. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I felt I had reasonable proof that I couldn't sustain a real relationship - my miserable online dating rounds and the frustrating months of on-again-off-again with Boy-X. There was nothing wrong with consenting adults seeking a bit of pleasure. But I felt weird for giving in to that impulse. Then I felt bad for feeling so weird about it, like I couldn't appreciate it or shed my hangups.
"There's gotta be someone out there for me..." I muttered into my pillow some nights, doubtful that what I was saying was true. I reassured myself: "I'm just killing time until I find him. it'll be so much easier when I do." The question was: when would that happen? The more I avoided it, the more I felt the pressure to get back out there and stop fooling around.
Sometimes I hang out with Julia, for drinks or coffees if Chuck's not around, usually at their place so she can watch the kid. I promised I wouldn't see him outside of the context of our agreement (or work) but I never made any such promise about her. At first I hardly felt like I could face her, given the somewhat schoolgirlish crush I held for her husband, but as time wore on I felt more and more close to her, as a person and a woman, not just a sometime-sexual partner.
I confided to her that it was starting to get to me, that I would have to see myself out at the end of the night, sometimes fighting back tears while they stayed in bed and cuddled.
"I don't want you to feel used," she said. "If you're not comfortable..."
"It's not that, I'm just... jealous I guess. I want what you guys have, but I can't ever seem to get it."
"I know it's not easy," she said sympathetically, "But my big sister used to tell me this when I was young and had dating problems: You only have to get it right once. And from where I am now, I see she was right."
That didn't comfort me much. "I feel like my life is too complicated for that opportunity to ever arise."
"Well, if you don't get out there, it won't," she said. "I mean, what we're doing is fun, I'd keep doing it as long as we're all happy, but if you're not, then I don't want you to feel like you don't have options. You owe it to yourself to find happiness."
I sighed, "It's hard for me. I have a pretty demanding job, a ton of baggage, and an inability to decide what I want."
"I disagree," she said.
"With what?"
"All of it," she said, "First, lots of people have jobs. You work around it, and you make time. If he can't take the fact that you're career oriented, he's not for you.
"Second, I think you do know what you want. You're just tempted to settle for less. Don't. Hold out, but don't close yourself off to new possibilities.
"Third, I seriously don't think you have any more baggage than anyone else out there. Don't let it weigh you down."
I wanted to refute that last point, but it would involve bringing up the whole "used to be a guy" thing (as well as the "manipulated by the Agency" thing) and how that affects my dating. It shouldn't: I'm a strong, competent woman with a lot going for me. The right guy would probably help me let go of that baggage once and for all.
"You're also really good looking, smart, fun to be around, and intensely sexual," she said admiringly, "That'll intimidate some guys, but it doesn't have to. Watch out for that, don't let them get away. Just believe in your own heart. Like I said: It only needs to work out once."
For now, I'm keeping up our arrangement, although I wonder if Chuck senses me just going through the motions sometimes, or if it makes a difference. I sat and thought about my next step, and how to go about breaking things off with them, should the occasion arrive.
Which brings me to the dreaded Wedding Season.
I've been invited to a few weddings this summer... sigh... and it's not like I can bring Chuck and Julia. I don't even really mind going stag (or, I guess it's doe? Stag-ette? Whatever, alone.) but you sort of need a buffer, a shield. Weddings are... tough, as a woman. People expect you to be marriage-minded/wedding-minded/baby-minded (ick, no.) If you're single, people expect you to be vulnerable and therefore approachable, and sometimes that attracts good attention, sometimes bad. They're fun, and a lot of pressure, and part of me does not want to deal with them. But I figure diving headlong into this wedding season is just the kick in the ass I need.
I have a wedding coming up for an old friend of Tori's. Someone I know, not necessarily as well as I eventually got to know Raine and Sara, but decently well. Raine, in fact, will be there.
And I thought, well, if he's interested... I should invite Cliff down.
It's potentially a very hairy situation. He hasn't seen anyone from Philly since he was Sara. Maybe meeting them like this is a bad idea, maybe it could be therapeutic, I don't know. At one point he was going to move out to California to be with some girl, but that ended up not working out and he wasn't seeing anyone, so I asked if it wouldn't be too hard to see the old gang, and he said yes.
"As... friends, right?"
"Of course :)" I replied. "You can be my wingman. I'll be your wing girl."
"I don't need a wing girl, haha" he said.
"Oh, cocky much? ;P"
"Recently, yes. But enough about what's between my legs..."
"Don't rub it in, when it was mine I couldn't drum up any interest!"
"I'll rub it any way I want... you gave it to me. Haha, oh God I can't believe you let me make jokes like that."
"I think it's important for people like us to be able to confide in each other. If that means you making gross references to your junk, well, I'll take it."
He told me thanks again, and has periodically messaged me over the weeks to tell me he's actually getting excited to see the old hometown.
This could be fun... or interesting, anyway.
Showing posts with label Chuck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chuck. Show all posts
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Tori: Our thing
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, standing outside of Chuck and Julia's house in the cold February air. My heart is racing. Beneath my clothes I'm wearing a pair of lacey pink panties and a push-up bra. I wonder what the hell I'm about to do. It happens to be Valentine's Day. I think to myself, "I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be part of this." But I don't have anywhere else to be, anyone else to be with. I think about guys that I've dated and could have tried harder to make it work, but that thought quickly dissipates, because I know it's a fantasy. Things don't work out for a reason.
Instead of ringing the doorbell, I simply text "I'm here." I don't know why.
She answers, and for a moment I'm disappointed it's not him, but she is looking gorgeous, ten years younger in a little black dress. She smiles and wraps me up in a warm hug that feels more sisterly than romantic. "I'm so glad you're here," she says into my ear, "We're going to have a lot of fun tonight."
Like I said, it's Valentine's. I initially objected to imposing on them, but they insisted. It's one of the few nights of the year when her mother expects to babysit the kid, so we are guaranteed privacy. I try to be reassured by that, but instead it just pulls me back to reality.
We also had the awkward conversation about whether I should come over for dinner, and I was pretty adamant about not doing so. So I arrived promptly at 9.
Julia took my coat and Chuck came to see me, giving me a light hug and a polite kiss on the cheek. They're just finishing dinner and enjoying some drinks, and as soon as they offer I blurt out that yes, I would love a glass of wine.
We drink in silence for a moment, I don't think any of us is really sure what we want to say. Eventually Chuck says, "Isn't my wife stunning?"
Without hesitation, I look dreamily at her and say "She's gorgeous." I'm used to openly appreciating other girls' looks just on an aesthetic level, but I'm trying to dig back down into the part of my psyche that lusted after them. The alcohol helps. I smile at her, "I can't wait to see more of her."
She leans into me. I stay still. She places her hand gently on my leg. I feel a shiver at being touched. She moved her hand back and forth. I place my hand on her arm and do the same. Before I know it, I have placed my lips on hers.
It's a nice kiss, soft and a bit timid. we only hold there for a second before parting. I look over at Chuck. He's looking at me, too. I touch his hand. He smiles at me.
Something is wrong. My heart is palpitating. I want him, in a way that is not necessarily acceptible, given our agreement. I'm not here to steal him away, I remind myself. He stays here tonight, with his wife.
They take me to the bedroom and we all share kisses. I let myself get swept up in the fantasy, pushing Chuck down on the bed while Julia massages me from behind, her hand searching my butt and breasts, kissing my neck. I feel incredibly alive.
Out of guilt, I turn to her and we begin to kiss. I don't know why I was expecting it to be bad, but it wasn't. I start to find her a better, more willing partner than the uptight Chuck. We gradually undress each other, carelessly tossing out clothes into a heap. I reach behin me to where I know Chuck's crotch is, and pet it, feeling for his belt buckle, signifying I want him in this huddle too. My hand sweeps around his midsection, undoing his fly and letting his cock stand erect. At this point, Julia has been kissing me and fondling my breasts to the point where I am unbearably wet. I have my hand wrapped around Chuck's stiff manhood, while Julia busies herself by petting my crotch.
"Yes, yes!" I moan, leaning back to kiss Chuck's lips as his wife lets her tongue trace a path between my breasts down past my bellybutton. My nipples stiffen at the sensation as she caresses them. I'm having buttons pressed that I never imagined I had. Then she cries out, "Somebody fuck me!" and Chuck immediately snaps to, positioning himself behind her to put himself inside her while she buries her face in my crotch.
Looking up at him, thrusting away on her, I wish she and I could switch places, but she's the hostess. An besides, she's doing an excellent job eating my pussy. I feel incredibly alive.
She hums her pleasure moans into me as Chuck grunts and I feel myself rapidly approaching climax. I can tell from the look on Chuck's face that he's almost ready to pop too, despite her urging "Don't stop, babe!"
Well, as we all know, it's not really up to him. Luckily, I'm there, and ready to reciprocate what she has done for me, spinning us so that she's beneath me as soon as he pulls out of her. I keep a firm hand on her breast while putting to good use all he knowledge of a woman's anatomy I've gained in the last six years.
"Oh my GOD!" she cries out, "You're so good at this, have you done it before?"
I stop just a moment and poke my head up at her. "No..."
"Don't stop!" she cries out. I go as long as I possibly can. I feel my jaw locking up and my tongue losing feeling, but I press on. It become almost a joke as she keeps begging me to continue, "Please don't stop, don't ever stop!"
Just as I feel like I can't go any longer, Chuck returns and pulls me away from his wife. He lays me down on top of him, and pulls Julia on as well, beginning to fondle her. He's hard again and directs me to ride him. I do so, bouncing as rapidly as I can, too swept up in the momentum to slow myself down. Waves of electric pleasure as surging through me. Julia sits up and starts to kiss me. I don't want to make her jealous, so I climb off as soon as I'm satisfied and let her finish her husband.
I lie between them in the bed, arms and legs all pretzeled up. We're all out of breath, and it's a while before anybody speaks, and Julia says "We're doing that again."
"Yeah," I huff, "Best workout ever."
"Tori, I love your tits," she says, "Doesn't she have great tits, Chuck?"
"Almost as good as yours," he says, kissing her. Which annoys me, because mine are way better, but I know why he said it. I feel the jealousy bubbling back up inside me and withstand the situation as long as I can before gathering my clothes.
Chuck drives me home and there's a palpable awkwardness. "You're great," I say, "You both are. I mean, wow."
"It's not usually like that," he laughs, "So you must have really brought out the best in us."
For the rest of the night, once I'm alone again, I'm lost in thought. I feel like I'm cheating at life whenever I have meaningless sex. It used to feel impossible, and now it feels all too easy. Why can't I just accept something good?
Oh, yes, standing outside of Chuck and Julia's house in the cold February air. My heart is racing. Beneath my clothes I'm wearing a pair of lacey pink panties and a push-up bra. I wonder what the hell I'm about to do. It happens to be Valentine's Day. I think to myself, "I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be part of this." But I don't have anywhere else to be, anyone else to be with. I think about guys that I've dated and could have tried harder to make it work, but that thought quickly dissipates, because I know it's a fantasy. Things don't work out for a reason.
Instead of ringing the doorbell, I simply text "I'm here." I don't know why.
She answers, and for a moment I'm disappointed it's not him, but she is looking gorgeous, ten years younger in a little black dress. She smiles and wraps me up in a warm hug that feels more sisterly than romantic. "I'm so glad you're here," she says into my ear, "We're going to have a lot of fun tonight."
Like I said, it's Valentine's. I initially objected to imposing on them, but they insisted. It's one of the few nights of the year when her mother expects to babysit the kid, so we are guaranteed privacy. I try to be reassured by that, but instead it just pulls me back to reality.
We also had the awkward conversation about whether I should come over for dinner, and I was pretty adamant about not doing so. So I arrived promptly at 9.
Julia took my coat and Chuck came to see me, giving me a light hug and a polite kiss on the cheek. They're just finishing dinner and enjoying some drinks, and as soon as they offer I blurt out that yes, I would love a glass of wine.
We drink in silence for a moment, I don't think any of us is really sure what we want to say. Eventually Chuck says, "Isn't my wife stunning?"
Without hesitation, I look dreamily at her and say "She's gorgeous." I'm used to openly appreciating other girls' looks just on an aesthetic level, but I'm trying to dig back down into the part of my psyche that lusted after them. The alcohol helps. I smile at her, "I can't wait to see more of her."
She leans into me. I stay still. She places her hand gently on my leg. I feel a shiver at being touched. She moved her hand back and forth. I place my hand on her arm and do the same. Before I know it, I have placed my lips on hers.
It's a nice kiss, soft and a bit timid. we only hold there for a second before parting. I look over at Chuck. He's looking at me, too. I touch his hand. He smiles at me.
Something is wrong. My heart is palpitating. I want him, in a way that is not necessarily acceptible, given our agreement. I'm not here to steal him away, I remind myself. He stays here tonight, with his wife.
They take me to the bedroom and we all share kisses. I let myself get swept up in the fantasy, pushing Chuck down on the bed while Julia massages me from behind, her hand searching my butt and breasts, kissing my neck. I feel incredibly alive.
Out of guilt, I turn to her and we begin to kiss. I don't know why I was expecting it to be bad, but it wasn't. I start to find her a better, more willing partner than the uptight Chuck. We gradually undress each other, carelessly tossing out clothes into a heap. I reach behin me to where I know Chuck's crotch is, and pet it, feeling for his belt buckle, signifying I want him in this huddle too. My hand sweeps around his midsection, undoing his fly and letting his cock stand erect. At this point, Julia has been kissing me and fondling my breasts to the point where I am unbearably wet. I have my hand wrapped around Chuck's stiff manhood, while Julia busies herself by petting my crotch.
"Yes, yes!" I moan, leaning back to kiss Chuck's lips as his wife lets her tongue trace a path between my breasts down past my bellybutton. My nipples stiffen at the sensation as she caresses them. I'm having buttons pressed that I never imagined I had. Then she cries out, "Somebody fuck me!" and Chuck immediately snaps to, positioning himself behind her to put himself inside her while she buries her face in my crotch.
Looking up at him, thrusting away on her, I wish she and I could switch places, but she's the hostess. An besides, she's doing an excellent job eating my pussy. I feel incredibly alive.
She hums her pleasure moans into me as Chuck grunts and I feel myself rapidly approaching climax. I can tell from the look on Chuck's face that he's almost ready to pop too, despite her urging "Don't stop, babe!"
Well, as we all know, it's not really up to him. Luckily, I'm there, and ready to reciprocate what she has done for me, spinning us so that she's beneath me as soon as he pulls out of her. I keep a firm hand on her breast while putting to good use all he knowledge of a woman's anatomy I've gained in the last six years.
"Oh my GOD!" she cries out, "You're so good at this, have you done it before?"
I stop just a moment and poke my head up at her. "No..."
"Don't stop!" she cries out. I go as long as I possibly can. I feel my jaw locking up and my tongue losing feeling, but I press on. It become almost a joke as she keeps begging me to continue, "Please don't stop, don't ever stop!"
Just as I feel like I can't go any longer, Chuck returns and pulls me away from his wife. He lays me down on top of him, and pulls Julia on as well, beginning to fondle her. He's hard again and directs me to ride him. I do so, bouncing as rapidly as I can, too swept up in the momentum to slow myself down. Waves of electric pleasure as surging through me. Julia sits up and starts to kiss me. I don't want to make her jealous, so I climb off as soon as I'm satisfied and let her finish her husband.
I lie between them in the bed, arms and legs all pretzeled up. We're all out of breath, and it's a while before anybody speaks, and Julia says "We're doing that again."
"Yeah," I huff, "Best workout ever."
"Tori, I love your tits," she says, "Doesn't she have great tits, Chuck?"
"Almost as good as yours," he says, kissing her. Which annoys me, because mine are way better, but I know why he said it. I feel the jealousy bubbling back up inside me and withstand the situation as long as I can before gathering my clothes.
Chuck drives me home and there's a palpable awkwardness. "You're great," I say, "You both are. I mean, wow."
"It's not usually like that," he laughs, "So you must have really brought out the best in us."
For the rest of the night, once I'm alone again, I'm lost in thought. I feel like I'm cheating at life whenever I have meaningless sex. It used to feel impossible, and now it feels all too easy. Why can't I just accept something good?
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Tori: The Arrangement
So I hinted that I would tell you what my situation was like lately, but I had to wait and see if it lasted at least a little while. It's also somewhat controversial. I know I shouldn't expect any judgment from you fine people, although if you wanted to, I wouldn't blame you. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it myself.
That's a lie, I actually kind of like it. It's not a perfect arrangement, but for now, it's fun.
It started sometime in the New Year when things were definitely, for sure, completely done with Boy-X. Actually that's a lie, it started years ago when I met Chuck at work and started to hit it off with him. The big problem was, and is, that he's married, so as much as we got along, I knew he was off limits. He and his wife Julia make a great couple and I would never want to do anything to stand between them, especially because they have a 16-month-old, an adorable son Tommy.
Anyway. Chuck got promoted out of his department and I was promoted into his, and that came with a bunch of stresses that caused us to lose touch a bit - I had been regularly talking to him when I was in IT but now work didn't bring us much into contact. So we made a point to get a coffee after the Holidays when things quieted down.
Chuck is older, even moreso than I originally was. He's nearly 40, with dignified salt-and-pepper hair. He has a pretty commanding presence that really does something for me, but I always figured I had hidden it. I was actually a little embarrassed to be so attracted to him, because he was such a "man" in the classic sense, that it really brought to mind how unsophisticated the guys I'd dated are, even the ones I really loved. It was intimidating, and having been through what I have, I don't intimidate easily.
So we went for a beverage, and he got me venting about my latest romantic messes, kind of egging me on as I spouted off about how I couldn't meet a solid guy, et cetera et cetera. I had to stop abruptly, redfaced when I realized how long I had been talking without much of a point.
"No, no, it's fine," he said, "This is like TV for me."
"Oh, glad I can entertain!" I laughed.
"So, are you looking to settle down?" he asked.
"I don't know," I sighed, "I look at what my brother has with his wife, or what you have with yours, and I think 'I want that.' But I'm not done having fun yet, either."
"Settling down doesn't necessarily mean the end of fun," he said with a knowing smile.
I cocked an eyebrow, saying I'd take his word for it. "Every guy I meet starts by saying 'I'm not looking to get into anything serious,' which is usually just code for 'I'll screw around with you if I don't have to call you later.' And that would be fine if I was meeting any quality guys, guys I felt were worth the risk of disappointment. But I keep encountering these barely-grown fratboys who I wouldn't ever want to get serious with."
He nodded and I continued, "I'm not saying my next guy has to be my husband. I'm not even saying I want a husband. I just think I should raise my standards. If I can meet a guy who actually already has his shit together, that's one less thing for me to worry about, and it's more of a turn-on."
"You don't mind just having a one-night stand as long as the guy wears a suit to work," he smirked.
"It sounds so shallow when you put it like that!" I said, embarrassed again. Chuck has this way of just calling me out.
"Look, it's okay not to want to settle down," he said. "That just might not be who you are."
I wondered if he was alluding to something with his wife, so I asked if things were okay. "Yeah, they're great," he said, and I decided to trust him.
It was later that night when I started getting some texts from him.
"Okay. This is stupid, and I needed half a bottle of scotch to psych myself into this so sorry if my spelling is a little rough." (It was immaculate.)
He went on. "You asked if things were okay with me and Julia. And they are. But we've been together for a very long time and we had a conversation not that long ago
"About missed opportunities, things we might have done if we hadn't gotten together when we did.
"Jules brought up the idea of being with women. She said she had been on the cusp of her 'experimental phase' in college when we met.
"And maybe neither of us wants to admit it but since Tommy was born there hasn't been a lot going on in the bedroom
"So we started seriously kicking around the idea of a threesome.
"And I immediately thought of you just because you're someone I trust and hold very closely,
"And you've never been shy about pointing out when you think a woman is hot
"Including Julia... so while I don't now I you would be into it I know you're at least pretty confident in yourself and open.
"And unless I've missed my guess you've always seemed to have a little bit of a thing for me.
"Maybe I'm an idiot for asking. If you never want to speak to me again I'll understand."
I couldn't believe my eyes. My jaw just hit the floor with every new text that arrived, until finally I figured he was done. I had to think very long and very carefully about how I wanted to respond. Yes, he was correct that I had an attraction to him - he is everything I've never had in a man: mature, established, confident, really himself... but I was always ashamed of myself for even having a notion of attraction, so I never really pined. But this? Was it something I anted to act on? It seemed fraught with obvious complications.
I finally texted back 20 minutes later, "A threesome isn't going to save your marriage..." I said, careful not to say either yes or no.
The response came back five minutes later. "My marriage isn't in trouble. I just feel like we're in a unique position to make this work, but only if every party is amenable to the terms."
He added, "I love my wife. I want to do this for her."
I sighed and texted back "This is for her, and not for you?"
Not long after, he responded, "It's for me too a little bit, sure. For all of us, if you're in."
I laid back on my bed. "I need time to think about this." My rational side was 100% against it, but my sense of adventure and curiosity - which has done me very well in the years since I became Tori - was pulling me toward it. If nothing else it felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. It had the potential to destroy a very meaningful friendship and/or a marriage. The last thing I wanted to be was the Other Woman, even if the wife was in the same room.
Finally, I said the three of us had to discuss it.
A few days later I went to their place for drinks. I sat at the island in their kitchen while Julia poured three glasses of wine. I nervously looked between the three of them: Jules, Chuck, and Tommy in his playpen.
I paid particular attention to Julia. She's very beautiful, a couple inches taller than me, with a slight frame and long light brown hair. I sensed she was sizing me up, too.
"First, um, thanks a lot for thinking of me for this. If nothing else, it's flattering."
"Thanks for not cursing me out immediately," Chuck laughed.
"Julia," I said, "We don't know each other very well, but Chuck says this is more your idea than his. Is that true? Because if he's just trying to convince you--"
"No, no," Julia said, "Believe me, Chuck knows better than to suggest something like that without me taking the lead. He suggested you, and I felt very comfortable with that."
"Do you mind if I ask why?"
"I feel like I can trust you," she said, "You and Chuck have been friends for a long time, and whenever I see you two together, I never get that... you know, bolt of jealousy sometimes we get when a significant other is close to a member of the opposite sex."
"So if I admit I find your husband very attractive, you won't want to punch me?"
"Well he is," she smiled and looked over at him, trying to hide his face, "And you haven't ever made any kind of move, so... you have character. That's impressive."
"Thank you," I sighed.
"You're very attractive," she said, leaning in to me.
"Um, thanks." Part of me never gets tired of hearing that, so I blushed hard. "So are you."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with a girl like you, if you don't mind me saying."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with Salma Hayek," I joked nervously, "But she's not available."
Julia smiled, "Well, I hope I'm an acceptable substitute."
Julia does not look like Salma Hayek, but she's very pretty. I looked her over again. I thought she was a little hotter when she was still breastfeeding, but I've got my own boobs to play with if I want to. I smiled and told her she was.
"I have one suggestion," I said, "We can discuss this but I feel pretty strongly about it. I really, really don't want this to get out of hand. It's just sex, right?"
"Right," said Chuck quickly. Julia listened intently.
"Well," I said, "I think it's important to set some boundaries. Chuck, we're going to have to limit the amount of time we spend together on our own."
Chuck's mouth was a straight line, his face blank. Julia insisted, "That's not necessary, I trust him."
"It's for my own peace of mind," I said, looking back and forth between them. "Things can change. I'm not saying I'm such a good lay that it might destroy your marriage - although I'm very good, you guys should know that - but you never know what might happen. Chuck, you and I already don't interact much at work anymore, we only really hang out when we make a point to do so. There's not much point in you and I just hanging out together without Julia in this scenario. It's for transparency's sake."
They took a moment to chew it over.
"I don't like the idea of bossing who my husband can and can't see," Julia said with a sigh.
"No, Jules, it's okay," Chuck said. "She makes a good point. I want it all out on the table. If that's our rule, it will work."
"Good," I said, taking a deep breath and sipping my red wine. "Now, I wasn't really thinking of doing this tonight, I'm on my period... do you mind if we hold off for a bit?"
"Of course, of course," Julia said. "We'll find a time that's good for all of us. Give it a while to mentally prepare."
"Right. Um, okay then. I look forward to it."
I finished my drink and hugged them both goodbye. It was a weird moment, unsure what kind of hug or handshake or whatever I should give.
As I put my boots on, I turned back and laughed, "This is insane. I can't believe this is going to happen." And here I thought there were no more lines for me to cross.
It was a little while before we were finally able to make it work... and that's a whole other story.
That's a lie, I actually kind of like it. It's not a perfect arrangement, but for now, it's fun.
It started sometime in the New Year when things were definitely, for sure, completely done with Boy-X. Actually that's a lie, it started years ago when I met Chuck at work and started to hit it off with him. The big problem was, and is, that he's married, so as much as we got along, I knew he was off limits. He and his wife Julia make a great couple and I would never want to do anything to stand between them, especially because they have a 16-month-old, an adorable son Tommy.
Anyway. Chuck got promoted out of his department and I was promoted into his, and that came with a bunch of stresses that caused us to lose touch a bit - I had been regularly talking to him when I was in IT but now work didn't bring us much into contact. So we made a point to get a coffee after the Holidays when things quieted down.
Chuck is older, even moreso than I originally was. He's nearly 40, with dignified salt-and-pepper hair. He has a pretty commanding presence that really does something for me, but I always figured I had hidden it. I was actually a little embarrassed to be so attracted to him, because he was such a "man" in the classic sense, that it really brought to mind how unsophisticated the guys I'd dated are, even the ones I really loved. It was intimidating, and having been through what I have, I don't intimidate easily.
So we went for a beverage, and he got me venting about my latest romantic messes, kind of egging me on as I spouted off about how I couldn't meet a solid guy, et cetera et cetera. I had to stop abruptly, redfaced when I realized how long I had been talking without much of a point.
"No, no, it's fine," he said, "This is like TV for me."
"Oh, glad I can entertain!" I laughed.
"So, are you looking to settle down?" he asked.
"I don't know," I sighed, "I look at what my brother has with his wife, or what you have with yours, and I think 'I want that.' But I'm not done having fun yet, either."
"Settling down doesn't necessarily mean the end of fun," he said with a knowing smile.
I cocked an eyebrow, saying I'd take his word for it. "Every guy I meet starts by saying 'I'm not looking to get into anything serious,' which is usually just code for 'I'll screw around with you if I don't have to call you later.' And that would be fine if I was meeting any quality guys, guys I felt were worth the risk of disappointment. But I keep encountering these barely-grown fratboys who I wouldn't ever want to get serious with."
He nodded and I continued, "I'm not saying my next guy has to be my husband. I'm not even saying I want a husband. I just think I should raise my standards. If I can meet a guy who actually already has his shit together, that's one less thing for me to worry about, and it's more of a turn-on."
"You don't mind just having a one-night stand as long as the guy wears a suit to work," he smirked.
"It sounds so shallow when you put it like that!" I said, embarrassed again. Chuck has this way of just calling me out.
"Look, it's okay not to want to settle down," he said. "That just might not be who you are."
I wondered if he was alluding to something with his wife, so I asked if things were okay. "Yeah, they're great," he said, and I decided to trust him.
It was later that night when I started getting some texts from him.
"Okay. This is stupid, and I needed half a bottle of scotch to psych myself into this so sorry if my spelling is a little rough." (It was immaculate.)
He went on. "You asked if things were okay with me and Julia. And they are. But we've been together for a very long time and we had a conversation not that long ago
"About missed opportunities, things we might have done if we hadn't gotten together when we did.
"Jules brought up the idea of being with women. She said she had been on the cusp of her 'experimental phase' in college when we met.
"And maybe neither of us wants to admit it but since Tommy was born there hasn't been a lot going on in the bedroom
"So we started seriously kicking around the idea of a threesome.
"And I immediately thought of you just because you're someone I trust and hold very closely,
"And you've never been shy about pointing out when you think a woman is hot
"Including Julia... so while I don't now I you would be into it I know you're at least pretty confident in yourself and open.
"And unless I've missed my guess you've always seemed to have a little bit of a thing for me.
"Maybe I'm an idiot for asking. If you never want to speak to me again I'll understand."
I couldn't believe my eyes. My jaw just hit the floor with every new text that arrived, until finally I figured he was done. I had to think very long and very carefully about how I wanted to respond. Yes, he was correct that I had an attraction to him - he is everything I've never had in a man: mature, established, confident, really himself... but I was always ashamed of myself for even having a notion of attraction, so I never really pined. But this? Was it something I anted to act on? It seemed fraught with obvious complications.
I finally texted back 20 minutes later, "A threesome isn't going to save your marriage..." I said, careful not to say either yes or no.
The response came back five minutes later. "My marriage isn't in trouble. I just feel like we're in a unique position to make this work, but only if every party is amenable to the terms."
He added, "I love my wife. I want to do this for her."
I sighed and texted back "This is for her, and not for you?"
Not long after, he responded, "It's for me too a little bit, sure. For all of us, if you're in."
I laid back on my bed. "I need time to think about this." My rational side was 100% against it, but my sense of adventure and curiosity - which has done me very well in the years since I became Tori - was pulling me toward it. If nothing else it felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. It had the potential to destroy a very meaningful friendship and/or a marriage. The last thing I wanted to be was the Other Woman, even if the wife was in the same room.
Finally, I said the three of us had to discuss it.
A few days later I went to their place for drinks. I sat at the island in their kitchen while Julia poured three glasses of wine. I nervously looked between the three of them: Jules, Chuck, and Tommy in his playpen.
I paid particular attention to Julia. She's very beautiful, a couple inches taller than me, with a slight frame and long light brown hair. I sensed she was sizing me up, too.
"First, um, thanks a lot for thinking of me for this. If nothing else, it's flattering."
"Thanks for not cursing me out immediately," Chuck laughed.
"Julia," I said, "We don't know each other very well, but Chuck says this is more your idea than his. Is that true? Because if he's just trying to convince you--"
"No, no," Julia said, "Believe me, Chuck knows better than to suggest something like that without me taking the lead. He suggested you, and I felt very comfortable with that."
"Do you mind if I ask why?"
"I feel like I can trust you," she said, "You and Chuck have been friends for a long time, and whenever I see you two together, I never get that... you know, bolt of jealousy sometimes we get when a significant other is close to a member of the opposite sex."
"So if I admit I find your husband very attractive, you won't want to punch me?"
"Well he is," she smiled and looked over at him, trying to hide his face, "And you haven't ever made any kind of move, so... you have character. That's impressive."
"Thank you," I sighed.
"You're very attractive," she said, leaning in to me.
"Um, thanks." Part of me never gets tired of hearing that, so I blushed hard. "So are you."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with a girl like you, if you don't mind me saying."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with Salma Hayek," I joked nervously, "But she's not available."
Julia smiled, "Well, I hope I'm an acceptable substitute."
Julia does not look like Salma Hayek, but she's very pretty. I looked her over again. I thought she was a little hotter when she was still breastfeeding, but I've got my own boobs to play with if I want to. I smiled and told her she was.
"I have one suggestion," I said, "We can discuss this but I feel pretty strongly about it. I really, really don't want this to get out of hand. It's just sex, right?"
"Right," said Chuck quickly. Julia listened intently.
"Well," I said, "I think it's important to set some boundaries. Chuck, we're going to have to limit the amount of time we spend together on our own."
Chuck's mouth was a straight line, his face blank. Julia insisted, "That's not necessary, I trust him."
"It's for my own peace of mind," I said, looking back and forth between them. "Things can change. I'm not saying I'm such a good lay that it might destroy your marriage - although I'm very good, you guys should know that - but you never know what might happen. Chuck, you and I already don't interact much at work anymore, we only really hang out when we make a point to do so. There's not much point in you and I just hanging out together without Julia in this scenario. It's for transparency's sake."
They took a moment to chew it over.
"I don't like the idea of bossing who my husband can and can't see," Julia said with a sigh.
"No, Jules, it's okay," Chuck said. "She makes a good point. I want it all out on the table. If that's our rule, it will work."
"Good," I said, taking a deep breath and sipping my red wine. "Now, I wasn't really thinking of doing this tonight, I'm on my period... do you mind if we hold off for a bit?"
"Of course, of course," Julia said. "We'll find a time that's good for all of us. Give it a while to mentally prepare."
"Right. Um, okay then. I look forward to it."
I finished my drink and hugged them both goodbye. It was a weird moment, unsure what kind of hug or handshake or whatever I should give.
As I put my boots on, I turned back and laughed, "This is insane. I can't believe this is going to happen." And here I thought there were no more lines for me to cross.
It was a little while before we were finally able to make it work... and that's a whole other story.
Sunday, May 04, 2014
Tori: I'm The (Wo)man
I know I go a long time without posting here, and I hope you can understand the reasons. One, in comparison to those who are posting, my life is incredibly dull. Two, I decided a while back that I didn't want to dwell on body-swapping drama. I check in now and again but I go weeks without reading what these good people have to say about themselves. I felt like I needed to step away from this blog to complete my transformation, from Cliff, to Tori the past victim of the inn, and now to Tori: kick-ass bosslady.
Even in my old body, I didn't have much ambition. I wanted to do something I was good at, fixing other peoples' technical problems, be paid a respectable wage while doing it, and hopefully just subsist. And that was pretty much the plan as Tori, too. After 2013 was spent hopping from one dating disaster to the next (and the ones that weren't were just duds) and pining for a guy I couldn't have, I buckled down and started to develop myself as a person.
In my last post, months ago, I mentioned a friend I had in another department, Chuck. He's my best friend at work, a handsome go-getter with a beautiful wife and infant son. Sometimes it's a little painful to think about, with him being unavailable and all (what's that cliche... all the good ones are married or secretly using you to further their conspiracy?) but if anything having a friend like that has been really healthy for me. Seeing his success kind of made me want to do more for myself.
In March, he found out he was being promoted out of his department. There wasn't really anyone ready to take his place, so he told me that if I took some business courses to improve my resume, my knowledge of the company would make me a shoe-in. This from IT, usually a pretty dead-end department.
I guess I should call him my friend with benefits. Improved health benefits, you pervs.
It was too good of an opportunity to pass up. IT is what I've done for nearly a decade now, it was my identity as Cliff and as Tori, it was... a leftover, I guess. I enjoyed it, I was good at it, but getting out now looked really attractive when the opportunity came up. Who I am, as Tori, is not somebody who stays in one place forever. And definitely not because that's what Cliff did. I know that now.
It required three weeks of night school: not easy, but no big deal when you think of some of the other things I've had to learn over the years. It was nice to learn something really new at this age. I may not be a corporate shark, but I feel like I could take control of a situation now.
I start tomorrow. With a huge pay increase and a position of some actual authority.
I'm almost tempted to second-guess it. Knowing that the Agency, those weirdos who rig the Inn for fun and profit, have messed with my life (and the lives of people I care about) I have to look at stuff like this with some suspicion. But if I can't appreciate opportunities when they come around, well... how am I ever going to do anything with my life? It's been a while now, and I think they - whoever they are - are basically over me. I sat down and thought hard about it and decided it seemed very unlikely - not impossible but not likely - that this fairly benign promotion was a point in some conspiracy to get me (or other people) back to the Inn.
(Knock on wood...)
The whole thing has me excited and scared. Wish me luck.
PS. More things to talk about, but they don't necessarily belong in this post. Mwah.
Even in my old body, I didn't have much ambition. I wanted to do something I was good at, fixing other peoples' technical problems, be paid a respectable wage while doing it, and hopefully just subsist. And that was pretty much the plan as Tori, too. After 2013 was spent hopping from one dating disaster to the next (and the ones that weren't were just duds) and pining for a guy I couldn't have, I buckled down and started to develop myself as a person.
In my last post, months ago, I mentioned a friend I had in another department, Chuck. He's my best friend at work, a handsome go-getter with a beautiful wife and infant son. Sometimes it's a little painful to think about, with him being unavailable and all (what's that cliche... all the good ones are married or secretly using you to further their conspiracy?) but if anything having a friend like that has been really healthy for me. Seeing his success kind of made me want to do more for myself.
In March, he found out he was being promoted out of his department. There wasn't really anyone ready to take his place, so he told me that if I took some business courses to improve my resume, my knowledge of the company would make me a shoe-in. This from IT, usually a pretty dead-end department.
I guess I should call him my friend with benefits. Improved health benefits, you pervs.
It was too good of an opportunity to pass up. IT is what I've done for nearly a decade now, it was my identity as Cliff and as Tori, it was... a leftover, I guess. I enjoyed it, I was good at it, but getting out now looked really attractive when the opportunity came up. Who I am, as Tori, is not somebody who stays in one place forever. And definitely not because that's what Cliff did. I know that now.
It required three weeks of night school: not easy, but no big deal when you think of some of the other things I've had to learn over the years. It was nice to learn something really new at this age. I may not be a corporate shark, but I feel like I could take control of a situation now.
I start tomorrow. With a huge pay increase and a position of some actual authority.
I'm almost tempted to second-guess it. Knowing that the Agency, those weirdos who rig the Inn for fun and profit, have messed with my life (and the lives of people I care about) I have to look at stuff like this with some suspicion. But if I can't appreciate opportunities when they come around, well... how am I ever going to do anything with my life? It's been a while now, and I think they - whoever they are - are basically over me. I sat down and thought hard about it and decided it seemed very unlikely - not impossible but not likely - that this fairly benign promotion was a point in some conspiracy to get me (or other people) back to the Inn.
(Knock on wood...)
The whole thing has me excited and scared. Wish me luck.
PS. More things to talk about, but they don't necessarily belong in this post. Mwah.
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