Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Trip / Kat - Be careful what you wish for

After reading Ashlyn's post the other day, I called Kat. Although I've always kind-of wondered what it would be like to be a girl... I'm nowhere near ready enough for the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth! I needed to know what Kat wanted me to do, other than abstinence, to avoid experiencing either - after all, this really isn't my body... my life, they're hers.

When I found out that Kat was on the pill, I found myself both relieved, and a bit saddened... It's hard for me to think of Kat being sexually active; she's like a little sister to me. My sadness lifted when I learned that she wasn't... or rather hadn't, been having sex. She told me her being on the pill was purely precautionary... She didn't want to have sex yet, it's just that she might not have a choice in the matter. (Revisiting those thoughts made me shudder.) I told Kat that I'd do my best to make sure her reputation was still intact when she got her body back, and she laughed. That surprised me, as I just can't see her being okay with my 'trying sex as a girl' while wearing her body, but I'm probably just being overly-analytic.

I got my next 'girl lesson' when Kat told me that I was going to have to wait before starting on the pill. I have to have a period before I can start her next regimen. Periods... something I'm both looking forward to, and dreading at the same time. Kat told me that I'd have to wait until the Sunday after to start taking them. When I asked her when I should expect my first period, she told me that she wasn't sure - but that she would have been expecting it to happen any day now.


I guess the others aren't quite as comfortable with changing gender as I am. I feel for them, I really do. I've been dreaming of something like this for as long as I can remember... since I was a kid. Now that I've got my dream-come-true, I find it a little bittersweet. I finally get to find out what it's like to be a girl, but I'm in my cousin's body - so everything I do or think about just feels so wrong. Not only that, but I've been tossed into someone else's life, already in-progress... with no-clue how to live it. Okay, so I have more of a clue than everyone else. Still, I really don't know much about Kat's life or her friends. I thought I knew a great deal about the life of this girl I've become... but there are so many small details that elude me. It gets overwhelming.

For me, the most troubling part of this drastic change in my life is the seemingly divine nature of it. I've wanted to be a girl for most of my life, but lately - I just wanted a new life... though not quite this literally. I've felt lost for the past couple of years, I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted my life to be. So I say a prayer to a God I haven't talked to in years. I asked Him for guidance, a purpose, a path... a different perspective. Maybe this was His answer... or perhaps a test of some sort. I can't say - though it would make sense in my case, it really doesn't explain everyone else's transformations.

I guess there's no point in worrying about it. As the saying goes, "We just have to make do with what life throws at us." I imagine if I spend a bit more time learning and getting used to this new life, things won't feel so out-of-place as they do now. Besides, once the 'new me' contacts me, I can start looking into trying to get my life back... not that being Kat is so bad, but I'm sure she wants her life back too.

I don't know why she wouldn't. I mean, I may be a little shorter, 5 inches, I think; I can't lift or carry as much as I used to; and my arms won't wrap around boxes as far as they used to... but I've got more energy, more stamina, more flexibility, and I feel like I could jump-around all day... I feel so bouncy! I get a real kick out of the way this body moves - I love it! I'm certainly going to try to enjoy it while I can.

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