Thursday, September 20, 2007

Ashlyn--A reply to Darren

Darren/Jaime wrote this:

A year later he can’t wait to jump into bed and blow a guy! What the hell is this! Jake; whoever you are, you really want to be a chick? What about your family… your life? All it takes is a year to convince yourself that “I more or less like who I am now.” It sounded like you had a good life so why do you need a “fresh start”? Do you just give up? You’ve got to keep fighting and tell yourself you’ll get through this! Despite the despair I’ve felt I’ve kept myself going by knowing that I’ll get my life back. I’m certain of it.

Dude, I hope you get your old life back. No one should have their lives stolen from them.

But that’s not going to happen for me. I’m going to be Ashlyn for the rest of my life. Do I want to be a chick? It doesn’t matter—I am a chick. There is no choice for me. I decided that instead of clinging to flase hope that maybe Stephen would do the right thing and give me my life back; I would instead move forward with my life. Sure, it's the life of a woman--but after a while I decided that wasn't such a bad thing. Today--probably because I am on an emotional high because of my relationship with Matt--I'm happy to be a woman.

I was amused by what Art wrote in his comment to your post about forcing Jeremy back to the Inn. When I first found out that Stephen wasn’t going to give me my life back I swear I sat around and day dreamed scenarios in which I forced him back to the Inn. My favorite idea involved borrowing some thug help from Jean-Michel and kidnapping “Jake” and tying him to a bed. I had even imagined Stephen would be changed into some wanted criminal and as he awoke to his new life I would say, “You better start running now, I’ve already called the police.” The idea still appeals to me.

Sometimes when I am hanging with Art, Jessica or Louisa, and I show up in a little skirt and a top that shows a ton of cleavage, I notice the raised eyebrows on their face. I think I know what they are thinking: “Dude you sure have adapted fast.” And that’s okay, I did adapt quickly. I had a pretty decent life as Jake, but I was really lacking in the personal relationships department. Sure I had a cool job, but it forced me to work alone in my apartment for days at a time—worse, meeting people and making friends as Jake was always a struggle for me. Most of my friends were people I talked to online. I had even become friends with Art online. I had never met him in person until we met at the Trading Post Inn. I know it’s shallow, but it is so easy to make friends as Ashlyn. Not to sound vain—which I am—but being attractive has it’s bonuses. I love the attention being Ashlyn brings—everyone wants to know me and spend time with me. I love it, and I think it has made it easy to adapt to my new life.

Right now you are relatively new to being cursed and being female. Everything is scary and awkward and you are going to bed every night praying you’ll wake up as your old self. But after a while slipping on a pair of panties isn’t such a big deal—or wearing a bra—or having a period. It goes from being an “ohmigod” moment to just being a part of life. I have an appointment with my gynecologist next week—it will be my first time. When Ashlyn’s first appointment came up I cancelled it. I couldn’t imagine going. This time I am a little nervous, but I am going—it’s just a part of being a woman. Besides, I need a new prescription for my birth control—which is also just a part of being a woman.

I know it seems impossible to you right now—but given enough time, you too will adjust to being Jaime. There is nothing wrong with adapting—what’s the alternative? Living like a hermit for the rest of your life?



Anonymous said...

Darren seems to be taking you to task for not wanting to fight to get back your old life where you had the independence of being self employed in a creative line of work. That one "plus" of your old life is not lost to you -- you still have that artistic talent. Once you get over the hurdle of straightening out the financial mess the original Ashlyn left you, there's no reason why you can't put your talent back to use by starting a new business, but this time something that involves more face-to-face interaction with other people. You can have the best of both worlds.

Kat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kat said...

If you want to know what to expect at that gynecological appointment, let me know... they decided to fit 'mine' in on Monday. I'm not quite ready to share that experience with the world - but privately... if it'll help... just let me know.