Sunday, September 16, 2007

Trip / Kat - Twisted

After getting back from Nicole's little road-trip adventure, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about things from my current point-of-view.

Nicole has always been a looker - she's one of those girls who is always making the boys' heads turn. Even though she's quite a bit younger than I was - she had that effect on me - HAD, that effect - even when I tried to think of her in a sexual manner, I found it very difficult to feel turned-on. I don't know if it's because I'm getting used to looking at my own naked female body, or if it has something to do with my being someone else now. Maybe it's the fact that I've tried to condition myself with shame and guilt every time I started to feel aroused when looking at my own naked body... my cousin's naked body.

I didn't put much thought into the issue - I mean, I'm still wary of any intimate contact... I just don't see this as being my body.

But then... I caught a glimpse of Bill after he lost his trunks in the lake. The feeling was a bit different, but much the same as I remember it... I had to have turned a thousand shades of red when I realized that Bill caught me staring. He seemed to be a gentleman about it, and he never said a word about it... though I'm pretty sure it helped ease his flirting along. Every time he brushed against me, or grabbed my hand to help me up, or put his hand in the small of my back... My God, I thought I was going to melt! I was so damn confused... and scared, I wanted to go home and hide - but it felt so nice, too, that I didn't want it to end.

I had to know, was this just some residual feeling that I had from when Kat and Bill dated... or was this all me... well, the new me, anyhow.

So, my cousin Anna and I went clubbing - and that seemed to confirm that I am still much more interested in members of the opposite sex. Just that now, that means men. I'm not really sure I'm too happy with that... even though my body seems quite eager.

Although, I'm fairly curious as to what sex might feel like from this perspective - I'm certainly in NO hurry to act on anything and find out for real - that's for sure.

I guess I no-longer have any idea what that makes my sexual orientation now... besides twisted.

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