Thursday, February 07, 2008

Kat - Still struggling to let go

Jeff's post really opened my eyes. Even after trying to take ownership of this life I'm living - trying to make it my own. I guess there's just some part of the me that refuses to let go.

I'd like to say that it's just being afraid of losing myself, of not being me. But that doesn't make much sense anymore.

As much as I'm trying to be who I am now, there's apparently some part of me that still pushes me to try to be the same Kat everyone knew before last spring. I seem to keep forgetting that I'm not that person, nor am I the same man I remember being before that fateful trip to the Inn.

I guess I'm just stubborn. Refusing to change, even when faced with overwhelming evidence... reason to do so. Even after convincing myself that I'm going to change... going to embrace this life as my own - it seems that I'm somehow either unwilling or unable to do so.

I guess I've always been a cautious person, and I'm still scared of what my future holds.

I think about what I want my life to like be in 5, 10, 20, 50 years... and I'm not really sure I know. Last year, I could easily answer that question. Now, everything is different. Well, I guess not everything. I could still make a comfortable living working with computers. Hell, I could even try programming, or some other technology field if I wanted to. As Kat, I have a couple years worth of general college credits, with no real focus... I could easily pursue pretty-much whatever path I choose.

It's the personal-life stuff - the dating and romance, marriage and family, that concerns me. No matter how I look at it, I just can't get used to the idea of being with a guy in an intimate way. Sure, I know that this body seems to like the idea - and I know that if I accept this new life, my own personal values dictate my partnering with a man and not another woman. It's just that my mind refuses to accept the thought as anything other than wrong, and even nauseating.

Knowing how this body reacts... if I wasn't such a prude, I'd probably just go, get plastered and let whatever happens, happen. Maybe actually having sex would be enough for me to let go and enjoy the experience. I don't know. I do know that I don't want my first time to be some drunken tangle... and I'm quite positive that I don't want to get more than I bargained for - no STDs, no babies for me.

I guess that part of me hasn't changed. Even when I was a guy I didn't want to catch anything or get some girl pregnant. And I always want the experience to be special... not just some wild night of random sex. Well, okay... so there were some exceptions to that last one - I am a m... was a man, and I had my needs. I guess even as a girl, I still have my needs... I've just been able to keep them checked... so far.

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