I've felt really strange lately. You try walking down the halls of a school where half the people - boys and girls - are taller than you, and half of every set of eyes glances over you when they pass, either to eye-fuck you or judge you, or both.
I look different now than I did when I started. Over the Christmas break "it" happened... I had to get new bras and tops because I had outgrown my old ones. Ellie's boobs are coming in and nothing can stop them.
This isn't really easy to talk about with a bunch of strangers but then again everyone around here is a stranger to me in one way or the other...... emily doesn't really know who I am and it would just be embarrassing to talk about with Todd (although clearly he reads this) and there's no way in hell i'm gonna sit down with the McClays and talk about this. So I might as well just let it all out here and hope it works?
I think I've figured out why I was feeling so shitty for so long, and I guess I'll just have to continue feeling that way. We were in the locker room before gym class. Every guy's fantasy, right? A free pass to the ladies' change room and nobody's the wiser. Except I have felt super-self-conscious lately because I've seen girls pick on each other for glancing around the wrong way. Plus I realized that since I've been Ellie I've put about 20 pounds on her body. I didn't think anything of it but when you got from 115 to 135, in 6 months, that's a fair bit, and it's not all in the boobs. I can't stop putting on weight even though it's not like I eat like a pig or anything. It's weird.
Anyway, I was trying to keep to myself when my friend Emily coems up beside me and starts talking about Valentine's day. Her kinda-boyfriend Mike was gonna be out of town for the weekend and she says please can we do girls' night? And while she's telling me all this I realize she's just standing there changing out of her top and her bra and she's letting her breasts just hang in my face... and first I get lost in thought, thinking "wow, hers are still so much bigger than mine, but they look good and she seems happy with them..." and then I think how nice that is to look at, and it's all I can do not to stare at them, and that's when I realize how badly I've wanted to stare at them this entire time and that feeling I've been getting... well, that's me getting turned on. I mean, I think I like Emily. I don't know if this is me, Bryan, regular guy talking, or Ellie's body talking, but whatever it is, I can't ignore.
So suddenly I'm all nervous and wondering whether she can tell and I'm just like "Yeah, let's hang out Saturday night it'll be so fun" and I just want to stop looking but I can't bring myself to and she doesn't even notice. She finished putting her gym shirt on and walks away and I just stand there catching my breath like I've just finished a marathon, like, holy crap.
I guess I just didn't realize it before, but I really am back in high school, and I don't feel like I'm 24 anymore. I feel like a 14-year-old too intimidated to go after something she wants... especially since I came to the (embarrassing yet relieving) conclusion that what I want is girls! Specifically, this girl, who has been my best friend for months! Oh God how embarrassing.
Well I couldn't bring myself to cancel. I showed up at her place around 8:30 and it seemed like she was alone. We hung out in room for a while watching movies, trying to get my mind off how much I want her. Eventually I get up to go to the washroom down the hall.
On my way back I passed an open bedroom - her brother's. I wasn't paying much mind but as I walked by something caught my eye... his guitar. I haven't played in months, since before I was Ellie. It was a nice red Epiphone, a fairly decent quality not unlike what I used to play. I just stood there in the doorway staring at it when I heard footsteps behind me. A deep voice said, "Can I help you?"
I turned and saw him towering over me. Her brother, Dennis. He's maybe 6' or more. I stammered, "Uh, I'm just looking at your guitar." I felt like a dwarf or something.
"Oh yeah, you like it? I got it for Christmas. I wanted the Les Paul but this one's good too."
I blurted out, "I had a Les Paul..." then I realized Ellie probably doesn't know crap about guitars so I corrected myself, "I mean, I had an uncle who had one. But he sold it. I used to play it a bit."
"Oh yeah?" he goes and sits down on his bed and turns on his amp. "You any good?"
I shrug nervously. In actuality I'm excellent but I keep forgetting who I look like. He starts playing the opening to Stairway to Heaven, and messes up a couple times, but he sounds like he's got it well practiced. I figure maybe he's maybe had a year or two of lessons and practice. I can't resist showing off - I sit next to him and he passes it over, and I start trying to do Santeria (by Sublime) but Ellie's fingers are a little clumsier than mine so I fumbled a lot.
I laughed, "I'm really out of practice, sorry."
He smiled, "No, that was good. What's your name again?"
It took me a moment "El...lie."
At this point, Emily is watching us from the doorway, probably none to impressed. We go back to her room.
She asks me, "Was my brother hitting on you?" I tell her no, not really (although I'm positive he was,) he was just showing me his guitar. She sighs and says "He's such a loser" and I say, "He seems like a cool guy."
She glares at me a little bit, before finally asking, "Do you... like him?"
I think I started blushing at this point. "What? No, God no..." I'm all flustered. "I mean, he's not my type he's... I don't even like..." I can't finish my statement until I find the words, "...he's old?" He's only 17. It's not unheard of to date that kind of distance, but sounds like a good enough excuse.
"Okay, yeah. Good. I dunno, that just seems kinda weird, if you did. I mean, he's my brother."
"Yeah, totally." The movie was over.
She lays back on her bed, takes a deep breath and says "Hey Ellie...... can you imagine yourself having sex?"
Now I'm even more shocked and embarrassed. Suddenly a mental imagine of a guy - Dennis - standing naked in front of me is in my mind and I'm trying to figure it all out. "Uh, no... not really."
"Me neither. Kinda. Maybe someday with Mike, I just don't... I dunno."
"Well, we're kinda young."
"I hear him and his friends talking about sex all the time. Why are they so into it?"
Since I kinda know the answer, I try to phrase it in a way a girl that age might know. "Um, well you know... I hear that like, most guys start getting boners when they're like 12."
"Ew, don't say that word."
"What, boners? Boners?" I laugh, and she seems disgusted but also on the verge of laughter. "Boners!" I start singing. "Emily loves boners, each and every day...!"
"Don't be gross!" She tosses a pillow at me. "I mean seriously... what do you think they're... like? Have you ever seen one?"
I shrug. Then there's a pause and I said something kinda stupid. "...I think I was a guy in a past life."
She laughs, "I can totally see that. Ellie, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are a guy."
I rested my head on the edge of her bed and muttered quietly, kinda sadly, "That... would be awesome."
She bounced on the bed and laughed, "Dude, don't be weird. If you were a guy we couldn't be friends. I just don't think guys and girls can be friends, you know? They'd always be thinking about having sex. What's the most you've ever done with a boy?"
I shrugged, "I haven't ever, uh, kissed one."
"Tammy West said you and Brian Maynard used to go out in eighth grade."
I paused. More of Ellie's past I didn't know. "We didn't, uh... do anything."
"How far would you go with a boy? If you were me, how far would you go with Mike?"
"I dunno. First base?"
"What's first base?"
"It's, uh... like, kissing. Just kissing. Why, what have you done?"
"He's touched my boob a couple times," she made an uncomfortable face, "It kinda hurt."
I smiled. "Boys don't know anything about boobs. They just wanna touch 'em."
"Hell yeah!" she laughed. Then we slapped each other five.
Dennis appeared in the doorway. "Hey, uh, I'm going out to a party. Might not be home tonight. Don't tell mom, 'kay?"
"Ellie loves you," Emily blurted out laughing. I turned away and shouted, "No!" I don't know how seriously he took it... he just kinda left without saying anything.
We talked for a few more hours before going to sleep. I was thinking we were gonna do head-to-toe, but she said she didn't want my feet in her face, so we slept beside each other. The smell of her hair drove me crazy. I was kind of in a daze for the next couple days. So much of a daze that back at school later that week, I ran into Dennis and didn't even notice. Just walked by him on my way to gym...
"Hey wait Ellie!"
I turned around, felt worried. "Yeah?"
"Listen, I know you're into guitars and stuff, and I know you're friends with my sister, but, like, if you ever wanted to come over? Like if she's not around and you just want to chill with me and just jam... I've got an old acoustic in my basement, if you don't mind playing that."
My mind starts to drift. I started to think how weird it would be to just be near a guy without Emily being around, especially her brother. Then I think aobut how embarrassed I was at my display, and how long it's been since I played guitar regularly and how much I miss it, even if Ellie's little fingers can't quite do what I used to. I must've just stood there for like 30 seconds until I finally snapped out of it and ran off blurting, "Um I dunno maybe? I'll talk to you later, I got class, bye..." and just bolted.
I've kinda been avoiding thinking about it all week. I'm just really uncomfortable. Talking about it helps, but I think I'm gonna have to do something eventually...... right? God I feel gross.