Yeah, I realize that song is lame, but how appropriate right?
Day One of Maine 2009 was... surprising. In a lot of ways.
I wanted to swing by Donna's place, to have some final words with her before I left. For once, she wasn't around. I have no idea where she might've been, or what I would've said to her. Chances are she would've just said something to piss me off anyway. I still don't know who she was or whether I'm going to go back to Connecticut after this trip to find out more about her.
But what I really wanted to say was how grateful I was that she had been... a friend, sort of, or whatever. It's been nice having her to talk to these past few weeks, no matter how much she gets on my nerves. No she's not the best friend I ever had, but knowing there was someone, other than Bryan, who had some idea what was going on, even given her different attitude about it... has been comforting. So in that weird way I'll miss her. I'll miss a lot of things, but I'm going to try to get on with my life. Once I get back to it.
I also saw Anne-Marie, and she wished me luck. That was an interesting scene but not really an important one.
I was really worried about going by Bryan's place and picking her up around 4:00, especially since Trudy was there. While I was helping her load her bags into the back of Anne-Marie's SUV, Trudy took me aside. It was tense.
"So you're really going, huh?"
"That's what we agreed on."
She looks at me like We didn't agree on anything but didn't say it. She went on, "I don't know why you're so fixated on this, but I want... I want what's best for Ellie. You... take care, okay?" And she gave me this look - disapproving, but accepting in a way.
All I could do was smile and pat her on the shoulder - kind of a masculine gesture - and say "Trust me. When she gets back from Maine, Ellie will be a lot better." She didn't believe me, but I guess she'd made her peace with it. Bryan climbed into the passenger's side.
"We ready?"
"Rock and roll."
Trudy gave off some motherly "Be safe" slogans as she leaned in the window and kissed her on the cheek. Bry gave a very authentic-sounding goodbye as I drove away.
I didn't even have the radio on. There was silence as I began to drive away from town. Bry was uncharacteristically reflective.
"We've been through a lot this year."
She scoffed, "Tch. I'll say." Just stared out the window at the passing houses.
"You gonna miss it?"
"Like what?"
"The house. The family. The life."
"The periods, the boobs, the horny teenage guys and the... equally horny girls? The bitchy moms and the homework, my God the homework..."
"Okay," I stopped her, "I get your point."
"I'm so done with this fuckin' place."
I didn't believe her, though. The way she was drinking in the landscape as we drove by told me there was something about this place she didn't really want to leave behind. I didn't want to press her, though. I wanted to say how weird it was, in those first couple days she had been the one so gung ho about this whole thing, she was the one who encouraged me to go with the flow and, well I'm not inside her head or anything but somewhere along the way she lost that.
I dug my iPod out of the glove compartment. The one I brought home after being transformed, full of my Todd music. I hooked it up to the radio and set it to "London Calling." As soon as that opening chord struck up, she started to bob her head. She turned to me and smiled.
"Oh hell yeah, turn that up!"
The drive lasted nearly five hours, after traffic and food stops. We put an unofficial moratorium on Inn-talk and got to talking about old times. People we used to know. Sometimes, the Inn came up, peripherally, when we'd link some old experience to a recent one, but we were really just chilling out shooting the shit like we always did. It was so nice.
We pulled up to the Inn around 9, when the rain was starting to let up. The clouds made night fall sooner. I got out of the car and opened the rear. I saw a figure coming toward me from the entrance of the Inn. It was a middle-aged Asian guy in a trucker cap and plaid work shirt.
"Need some help?"
"Um... sure." He grabbed some bags and followed after me. I was wary, but we did have a lot of luggage.
He commented, "Guess you don't believe in travelin' light?"
I laughed, "Guess not."
We got to the door of the Inn. There was a white woman sitting on a chair on the porch doing a crossword puzzle. She looked up and acknowledged me with a friendly smile. He paused and said, "This your first time at this Inn?"
I stopped and looked at him. "Nope. We've been here before."
He smiled and took off his cap, brushing his hair with his fingers, "Yep. You can always tell when someone's coming back. They have this... look on their faces. Like they're expecting something out of this place."
"So I guess you know about this place, eh?"
"Oh, I know." He laughed. "I know." We continued to carry things to the room. I hadn't yet opened the door. I asked, "Have you seen anyone else around?"
"You're the first souls we've seen around here today. I guess you're early for the show."
He paused, then continued, "If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to come find me. I'm George, the lady on the porch is my wife Jan."
I extended my hand and we shook. I've gotten so used to being under cover, so I introduced myself, "Anne-Marie," and then paused before adding, "Todd."
"Well, Anne-Marie Todd, I'll see you around." And he went back out front. Bryan caught up with me, giant bag trailing behind her thin little arm.
"So, who's that guy anyway?"
"He's like us, I guess." I'll have to make a note to talk to him, but at the time all I really wanted was to get my stuff put away.
I took a deep breath and opened the door. I don't know what I was expecting, but the room looked just how I remember it. Twin beds. Window. Closet.
Some very familiar-looking luggage sitting on top of each bed. On top of the luggage were envelopes. The one Deb left for me outlined her situation with Amanda - how they'd landed in the wrong bodies - and theorized that they had slept in the wrong beds. So our luggage was used to demarcate where we were to sleep. It gave a general status report on our lives and a "goodbye" or sorts, "Nice knowing you." Maybe I'll summarize it later. I cracked open the suitcse, and breathed in the heady scent of freshly-laundered male clothes. They were neatly folded in a way I'd never have done, but Alia had done for me on a few occasions.
I dug out my laptop - my Todd laptop, as Anne-Marie doesn't own one - the one that, a year ago, I had used to write my wandering memoirs, so I could get online and start writing this. The internet connection here is outdated and slow though, so I don't think I'll be doing much casual browsing... which is a shame since I'll need something to keep myself occupied.
Bry's note contained a pleasant surprise, indicating "Look in the closet." She did, and there she found a guitar case - an old acoustic we used to tinker with when we couldn't plug in, and when Bry was considering getting his busking license.
She immediately started warming up. Having little fingers and little arms, and only played bass the last few months, she was a little clumsy - still better than me though. "I'm feeling a little Beatley tonight," she said, and began to play "Two Of Us." We had a little singalong; our harmonies were atrocious. It's a good thing only George and Jan were around to hear, if they could.
That's all for tonight. I don't know whether people will show up immediately or just trickle in - I'd have thought more for a weekend like this, but whatever - but I'm guessing we'll at least have a few nights to rest.
I'll try to post every day while I'm hre, but don't get too upset if I don't, it probably just means nothing interesting enough happened to warrant me suffering these load times. I still have no idea what I'll do to pass the time, since Bry can't even drink.
We'll figure something out.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Showing posts with label guitars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guitars. Show all posts
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Bryan/Ellie: Jam sesh
So a while back I met Emily's brother Dennis who is kind of a musician, in the way that a teenage boy with a guitar is a musician. I made the mistake of showing off a bit to him, even though in this body I'm kinda terrible, and for a while he would ask if I wanted to hang out with him and jam.
Nothing ever really came with that, and anytime I'm over at Emily's to have a sleepover or whatever, if I'd see him he'd get kinda awkward. It happens. When you're a teenager there's no shortage of stuff to make you awkward, whether you've been transformed or not.
So last Friday night I was at Emily's place when she gets a text from her boyfriend Mike. They've been really off and on. She's really into him and he kinda plays it cool... which honestly isn't unlike me, but seeing it from this perspective, it seems unfair to her (especially since she gets my panties all worked up whenever she comes around, so there's I guess a bit of jealousy from me.)
ANYWAY what happened was Mike texted her and asked if she wanted to come over and do stuff. For a while it was almost like she was gonna blow him off and hang out with me, but I could tell she really wanted to go. Since I'm pretty comfortable at her place - hell, more comfortable than at Ellie's - it was okay that I stayed and finished the movie (Wall-E.)
As I was going, I ran into Dennis, who'd been in the basement. I was putting on my jacket, and he sidles up to me. "Listen I'm not a creeper or anything. It's still early, I've got some people downstairs you might want to meet."
There are times when I forget that I'm small and basically defenseless (I'm not much of a fighter, but I could get crazy against a dude like him.) So I began to trust him, but I told him that if anything went wrong I would tell Emily. He just looked at me and asked what she'd been telling me about him. I said it was hard to explain.
But whatever. As I mentally prepared myself for the worst, he led me to the basement, where he had his guitar on a stand, a bass leaning up against an old couch, and a small drum kit. Behind the drums was a girl Dennis' age, with moppish short brown hair and emo-glasses. Sitting across from them was a more conventional looking blonde girl on a cushy chair. She looked, and must've felt, somewhat out of place. Good figure, low-cut top.
He gestured to the drummer chick and then to the other, "Ellie, this is Leanne and May." May stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Girlfriend. Duh.
"Leanne and I jam together sometimes, and I thought that maybe you'd wanna join, since your night kinda got ruined by my sister leaving." He looked over at Leanne, "Ellie's pretty good at guitar for her age." He looked back at me, "Ever played bass?"
I rolled my eyes. I didn't really wanna be the cliche chick bass player.... as much as I love the Pixies, Smashing Pumpkins, and to a lesser extent Sonic Youth. Sure, I can play, but only bothered to learn as much as any guitarist who is actually good at that instrument.
Whatever. I slung the bass over my shoulder. It felt like a monster in my little arms (for those unfamiliar, bass guitars have considerably longer necks than real guitars.) We tinkered around, I didn't attempt anything tricky. It wasn't the same thrill as when I had the guitar in my hands but it was nice anyway.
Eventually May, who was probably getting tired of the scenario, looked at her watch. She noted it was getting late to Dennis and he took the guitar strap off his shoulder. Without much explanation, they hurried upstairs. "Uh, if you wanna play the guitar you can," he said leaning over the railing, "but if you break any strings you're paying."
I was going for the guitar when Leanne said "Mind if we take a break?" I said sure, but was a little disappointed I couldn't rip into some non-talkbox Frampton.
She went over to the mini-fridge and looked through it. "You drink?" She grabbed two bottles of cheap American beer.
"Sure."
She opened one and handed it to me. "Are you sure? I don't want to corrupt any little children." She smirked.
I laughed. "Believe me, I'm plenty corrupted already."
She grinned, "Oh yeah? you don't look like you've done much."
I joked, "Only to myself."
She nodded and sipped, "Good to keep in practice. So tell me... why'd you keep looking over at May?"
"Was I?"
"Dennis didn't notice 'cause he was in front of you, but I could tell. I figure there's two reasons. One is that you can't figure out why she's with him... because you want him." I shook my head. She sipped again. "The other is you couldn't help noticing her awesome chest."
My eyes darted right back over to her. She looked back at me.
"Look," she blushed, "You're really young and probably really confused, but I remember when I was your age. Figuring out what you want, why you don't see boys the way all your girlfriends do. Maybe you're not ready, maybe I'm reading you wrong."
"You're not." I told her abruptly, blurting out "I don't ever wanna touch a penis." (One that doesn't belong to me.)
She inched closer, and I closed my eyes. Oh God, the softness of her lips, the way her fingers brushed my thigh. I let myself enjoy it for just a second before something struck me and I jolted back.
"Oh, wow," I exclaimed, "That was... I mean, it was really sudden." But my mind had darted back to Ellie, to the Inn and how I would leave. I've said on this blog how I had feelings for Emily but I didn't mean to do anything about them, or anything at all. Because I know things are going to be weird for Ellie once we change back. But at the same time, the desire to feel something like that... was just overwhelming.
"Is something wrong?" she seemed sincere.
"I'm just... I'm.... maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready."
"It's okay," she leaned back a bit, separating the two of us further, "I'm kinda just got out of a thing, and I don't want you to think you're just a rebound. It's not, like, fair to you."
And I'm thinking: Well, in a few months, I'm going to be a whole other person, and that's not really fair to you, so I guess we're even.
"It was nice though," I said to comfort her. "And maybe sometime we can again. Just... don't tell Dennis, okay? Because then he'll tell Em, and I don't wanna deal with that."
She nodded, it seemed fair.
And then we started kissing again.
Ellie, Todd said you read this, and I'm sorry, I guess, but I couldn't help myself. A cute teenage lesbian (bi?) was coming onto me and I couldn't say no. Maybe that's how you ended up letting Todd Jones feel you up on your Aunt's couch. Let's call it even.
I mean, it's not like Leanne's gonna become my girlfriend.
Probably.
-Bry/El
Nothing ever really came with that, and anytime I'm over at Emily's to have a sleepover or whatever, if I'd see him he'd get kinda awkward. It happens. When you're a teenager there's no shortage of stuff to make you awkward, whether you've been transformed or not.
So last Friday night I was at Emily's place when she gets a text from her boyfriend Mike. They've been really off and on. She's really into him and he kinda plays it cool... which honestly isn't unlike me, but seeing it from this perspective, it seems unfair to her (especially since she gets my panties all worked up whenever she comes around, so there's I guess a bit of jealousy from me.)
ANYWAY what happened was Mike texted her and asked if she wanted to come over and do stuff. For a while it was almost like she was gonna blow him off and hang out with me, but I could tell she really wanted to go. Since I'm pretty comfortable at her place - hell, more comfortable than at Ellie's - it was okay that I stayed and finished the movie (Wall-E.)
As I was going, I ran into Dennis, who'd been in the basement. I was putting on my jacket, and he sidles up to me. "Listen I'm not a creeper or anything. It's still early, I've got some people downstairs you might want to meet."
There are times when I forget that I'm small and basically defenseless (I'm not much of a fighter, but I could get crazy against a dude like him.) So I began to trust him, but I told him that if anything went wrong I would tell Emily. He just looked at me and asked what she'd been telling me about him. I said it was hard to explain.
But whatever. As I mentally prepared myself for the worst, he led me to the basement, where he had his guitar on a stand, a bass leaning up against an old couch, and a small drum kit. Behind the drums was a girl Dennis' age, with moppish short brown hair and emo-glasses. Sitting across from them was a more conventional looking blonde girl on a cushy chair. She looked, and must've felt, somewhat out of place. Good figure, low-cut top.
He gestured to the drummer chick and then to the other, "Ellie, this is Leanne and May." May stood up and wrapped her arms around him. Girlfriend. Duh.
"Leanne and I jam together sometimes, and I thought that maybe you'd wanna join, since your night kinda got ruined by my sister leaving." He looked over at Leanne, "Ellie's pretty good at guitar for her age." He looked back at me, "Ever played bass?"
I rolled my eyes. I didn't really wanna be the cliche chick bass player.... as much as I love the Pixies, Smashing Pumpkins, and to a lesser extent Sonic Youth. Sure, I can play, but only bothered to learn as much as any guitarist who is actually good at that instrument.
Whatever. I slung the bass over my shoulder. It felt like a monster in my little arms (for those unfamiliar, bass guitars have considerably longer necks than real guitars.) We tinkered around, I didn't attempt anything tricky. It wasn't the same thrill as when I had the guitar in my hands but it was nice anyway.
Eventually May, who was probably getting tired of the scenario, looked at her watch. She noted it was getting late to Dennis and he took the guitar strap off his shoulder. Without much explanation, they hurried upstairs. "Uh, if you wanna play the guitar you can," he said leaning over the railing, "but if you break any strings you're paying."
I was going for the guitar when Leanne said "Mind if we take a break?" I said sure, but was a little disappointed I couldn't rip into some non-talkbox Frampton.
She went over to the mini-fridge and looked through it. "You drink?" She grabbed two bottles of cheap American beer.
"Sure."
She opened one and handed it to me. "Are you sure? I don't want to corrupt any little children." She smirked.
I laughed. "Believe me, I'm plenty corrupted already."
She grinned, "Oh yeah? you don't look like you've done much."
I joked, "Only to myself."
She nodded and sipped, "Good to keep in practice. So tell me... why'd you keep looking over at May?"
"Was I?"
"Dennis didn't notice 'cause he was in front of you, but I could tell. I figure there's two reasons. One is that you can't figure out why she's with him... because you want him." I shook my head. She sipped again. "The other is you couldn't help noticing her awesome chest."
My eyes darted right back over to her. She looked back at me.
"Look," she blushed, "You're really young and probably really confused, but I remember when I was your age. Figuring out what you want, why you don't see boys the way all your girlfriends do. Maybe you're not ready, maybe I'm reading you wrong."
"You're not." I told her abruptly, blurting out "I don't ever wanna touch a penis." (One that doesn't belong to me.)
She inched closer, and I closed my eyes. Oh God, the softness of her lips, the way her fingers brushed my thigh. I let myself enjoy it for just a second before something struck me and I jolted back.
"Oh, wow," I exclaimed, "That was... I mean, it was really sudden." But my mind had darted back to Ellie, to the Inn and how I would leave. I've said on this blog how I had feelings for Emily but I didn't mean to do anything about them, or anything at all. Because I know things are going to be weird for Ellie once we change back. But at the same time, the desire to feel something like that... was just overwhelming.
"Is something wrong?" she seemed sincere.
"I'm just... I'm.... maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not ready."
"It's okay," she leaned back a bit, separating the two of us further, "I'm kinda just got out of a thing, and I don't want you to think you're just a rebound. It's not, like, fair to you."
And I'm thinking: Well, in a few months, I'm going to be a whole other person, and that's not really fair to you, so I guess we're even.
"It was nice though," I said to comfort her. "And maybe sometime we can again. Just... don't tell Dennis, okay? Because then he'll tell Em, and I don't wanna deal with that."
She nodded, it seemed fair.
And then we started kissing again.
Ellie, Todd said you read this, and I'm sorry, I guess, but I couldn't help myself. A cute teenage lesbian (bi?) was coming onto me and I couldn't say no. Maybe that's how you ended up letting Todd Jones feel you up on your Aunt's couch. Let's call it even.
I mean, it's not like Leanne's gonna become my girlfriend.
Probably.
-Bry/El
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Bryan/Ellie: Figuring my stuff out.
I've felt really strange lately. You try walking down the halls of a school where half the people - boys and girls - are taller than you, and half of every set of eyes glances over you when they pass, either to eye-fuck you or judge you, or both.
I look different now than I did when I started. Over the Christmas break "it" happened... I had to get new bras and tops because I had outgrown my old ones. Ellie's boobs are coming in and nothing can stop them.
This isn't really easy to talk about with a bunch of strangers but then again everyone around here is a stranger to me in one way or the other...... emily doesn't really know who I am and it would just be embarrassing to talk about with Todd (although clearly he reads this) and there's no way in hell i'm gonna sit down with the McClays and talk about this. So I might as well just let it all out here and hope it works?
I think I've figured out why I was feeling so shitty for so long, and I guess I'll just have to continue feeling that way. We were in the locker room before gym class. Every guy's fantasy, right? A free pass to the ladies' change room and nobody's the wiser. Except I have felt super-self-conscious lately because I've seen girls pick on each other for glancing around the wrong way. Plus I realized that since I've been Ellie I've put about 20 pounds on her body. I didn't think anything of it but when you got from 115 to 135, in 6 months, that's a fair bit, and it's not all in the boobs. I can't stop putting on weight even though it's not like I eat like a pig or anything. It's weird.
Anyway, I was trying to keep to myself when my friend Emily coems up beside me and starts talking about Valentine's day. Her kinda-boyfriend Mike was gonna be out of town for the weekend and she says please can we do girls' night? And while she's telling me all this I realize she's just standing there changing out of her top and her bra and she's letting her breasts just hang in my face... and first I get lost in thought, thinking "wow, hers are still so much bigger than mine, but they look good and she seems happy with them..." and then I think how nice that is to look at, and it's all I can do not to stare at them, and that's when I realize how badly I've wanted to stare at them this entire time and that feeling I've been getting... well, that's me getting turned on. I mean, I think I like Emily. I don't know if this is me, Bryan, regular guy talking, or Ellie's body talking, but whatever it is, I can't ignore.
So suddenly I'm all nervous and wondering whether she can tell and I'm just like "Yeah, let's hang out Saturday night it'll be so fun" and I just want to stop looking but I can't bring myself to and she doesn't even notice. She finished putting her gym shirt on and walks away and I just stand there catching my breath like I've just finished a marathon, like, holy crap.
I guess I just didn't realize it before, but I really am back in high school, and I don't feel like I'm 24 anymore. I feel like a 14-year-old too intimidated to go after something she wants... especially since I came to the (embarrassing yet relieving) conclusion that what I want is girls! Specifically, this girl, who has been my best friend for months! Oh God how embarrassing.
Well I couldn't bring myself to cancel. I showed up at her place around 8:30 and it seemed like she was alone. We hung out in room for a while watching movies, trying to get my mind off how much I want her. Eventually I get up to go to the washroom down the hall.
On my way back I passed an open bedroom - her brother's. I wasn't paying much mind but as I walked by something caught my eye... his guitar. I haven't played in months, since before I was Ellie. It was a nice red Epiphone, a fairly decent quality not unlike what I used to play. I just stood there in the doorway staring at it when I heard footsteps behind me. A deep voice said, "Can I help you?"
I turned and saw him towering over me. Her brother, Dennis. He's maybe 6' or more. I stammered, "Uh, I'm just looking at your guitar." I felt like a dwarf or something.
"Oh yeah, you like it? I got it for Christmas. I wanted the Les Paul but this one's good too."
I blurted out, "I had a Les Paul..." then I realized Ellie probably doesn't know crap about guitars so I corrected myself, "I mean, I had an uncle who had one. But he sold it. I used to play it a bit."
"Oh yeah?" he goes and sits down on his bed and turns on his amp. "You any good?"
I shrug nervously. In actuality I'm excellent but I keep forgetting who I look like. He starts playing the opening to Stairway to Heaven, and messes up a couple times, but he sounds like he's got it well practiced. I figure maybe he's maybe had a year or two of lessons and practice. I can't resist showing off - I sit next to him and he passes it over, and I start trying to do Santeria (by Sublime) but Ellie's fingers are a little clumsier than mine so I fumbled a lot.
I laughed, "I'm really out of practice, sorry."
He smiled, "No, that was good. What's your name again?"
It took me a moment "El...lie."
At this point, Emily is watching us from the doorway, probably none to impressed. We go back to her room.
She asks me, "Was my brother hitting on you?" I tell her no, not really (although I'm positive he was,) he was just showing me his guitar. She sighs and says "He's such a loser" and I say, "He seems like a cool guy."
She glares at me a little bit, before finally asking, "Do you... like him?"
I think I started blushing at this point. "What? No, God no..." I'm all flustered. "I mean, he's not my type he's... I don't even like..." I can't finish my statement until I find the words, "...he's old?" He's only 17. It's not unheard of to date that kind of distance, but sounds like a good enough excuse.
"Okay, yeah. Good. I dunno, that just seems kinda weird, if you did. I mean, he's my brother."
"Yeah, totally." The movie was over.
She lays back on her bed, takes a deep breath and says "Hey Ellie...... can you imagine yourself having sex?"
Now I'm even more shocked and embarrassed. Suddenly a mental imagine of a guy - Dennis - standing naked in front of me is in my mind and I'm trying to figure it all out. "Uh, no... not really."
"Me neither. Kinda. Maybe someday with Mike, I just don't... I dunno."
"Well, we're kinda young."
"I hear him and his friends talking about sex all the time. Why are they so into it?"
Since I kinda know the answer, I try to phrase it in a way a girl that age might know. "Um, well you know... I hear that like, most guys start getting boners when they're like 12."
"Ew, don't say that word."
"What, boners? Boners?" I laugh, and she seems disgusted but also on the verge of laughter. "Boners!" I start singing. "Emily loves boners, each and every day...!"
"Don't be gross!" She tosses a pillow at me. "I mean seriously... what do you think they're... like? Have you ever seen one?"
I shrug. Then there's a pause and I said something kinda stupid. "...I think I was a guy in a past life."
She laughs, "I can totally see that. Ellie, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are a guy."
I rested my head on the edge of her bed and muttered quietly, kinda sadly, "That... would be awesome."
She bounced on the bed and laughed, "Dude, don't be weird. If you were a guy we couldn't be friends. I just don't think guys and girls can be friends, you know? They'd always be thinking about having sex. What's the most you've ever done with a boy?"
I shrugged, "I haven't ever, uh, kissed one."
"Tammy West said you and Brian Maynard used to go out in eighth grade."
I paused. More of Ellie's past I didn't know. "We didn't, uh... do anything."
"How far would you go with a boy? If you were me, how far would you go with Mike?"
"I dunno. First base?"
"What's first base?"
"It's, uh... like, kissing. Just kissing. Why, what have you done?"
"He's touched my boob a couple times," she made an uncomfortable face, "It kinda hurt."
I smiled. "Boys don't know anything about boobs. They just wanna touch 'em."
"Hell yeah!" she laughed. Then we slapped each other five.
Dennis appeared in the doorway. "Hey, uh, I'm going out to a party. Might not be home tonight. Don't tell mom, 'kay?"
"Ellie loves you," Emily blurted out laughing. I turned away and shouted, "No!" I don't know how seriously he took it... he just kinda left without saying anything.
We talked for a few more hours before going to sleep. I was thinking we were gonna do head-to-toe, but she said she didn't want my feet in her face, so we slept beside each other. The smell of her hair drove me crazy. I was kind of in a daze for the next couple days. So much of a daze that back at school later that week, I ran into Dennis and didn't even notice. Just walked by him on my way to gym...
"Hey wait Ellie!"
I turned around, felt worried. "Yeah?"
"Listen, I know you're into guitars and stuff, and I know you're friends with my sister, but, like, if you ever wanted to come over? Like if she's not around and you just want to chill with me and just jam... I've got an old acoustic in my basement, if you don't mind playing that."
My mind starts to drift. I started to think how weird it would be to just be near a guy without Emily being around, especially her brother. Then I think aobut how embarrassed I was at my display, and how long it's been since I played guitar regularly and how much I miss it, even if Ellie's little fingers can't quite do what I used to. I must've just stood there for like 30 seconds until I finally snapped out of it and ran off blurting, "Um I dunno maybe? I'll talk to you later, I got class, bye..." and just bolted.
I've kinda been avoiding thinking about it all week. I'm just really uncomfortable. Talking about it helps, but I think I'm gonna have to do something eventually...... right? God I feel gross.
Whatever.
I look different now than I did when I started. Over the Christmas break "it" happened... I had to get new bras and tops because I had outgrown my old ones. Ellie's boobs are coming in and nothing can stop them.
This isn't really easy to talk about with a bunch of strangers but then again everyone around here is a stranger to me in one way or the other...... emily doesn't really know who I am and it would just be embarrassing to talk about with Todd (although clearly he reads this) and there's no way in hell i'm gonna sit down with the McClays and talk about this. So I might as well just let it all out here and hope it works?
I think I've figured out why I was feeling so shitty for so long, and I guess I'll just have to continue feeling that way. We were in the locker room before gym class. Every guy's fantasy, right? A free pass to the ladies' change room and nobody's the wiser. Except I have felt super-self-conscious lately because I've seen girls pick on each other for glancing around the wrong way. Plus I realized that since I've been Ellie I've put about 20 pounds on her body. I didn't think anything of it but when you got from 115 to 135, in 6 months, that's a fair bit, and it's not all in the boobs. I can't stop putting on weight even though it's not like I eat like a pig or anything. It's weird.
Anyway, I was trying to keep to myself when my friend Emily coems up beside me and starts talking about Valentine's day. Her kinda-boyfriend Mike was gonna be out of town for the weekend and she says please can we do girls' night? And while she's telling me all this I realize she's just standing there changing out of her top and her bra and she's letting her breasts just hang in my face... and first I get lost in thought, thinking "wow, hers are still so much bigger than mine, but they look good and she seems happy with them..." and then I think how nice that is to look at, and it's all I can do not to stare at them, and that's when I realize how badly I've wanted to stare at them this entire time and that feeling I've been getting... well, that's me getting turned on. I mean, I think I like Emily. I don't know if this is me, Bryan, regular guy talking, or Ellie's body talking, but whatever it is, I can't ignore.
So suddenly I'm all nervous and wondering whether she can tell and I'm just like "Yeah, let's hang out Saturday night it'll be so fun" and I just want to stop looking but I can't bring myself to and she doesn't even notice. She finished putting her gym shirt on and walks away and I just stand there catching my breath like I've just finished a marathon, like, holy crap.
I guess I just didn't realize it before, but I really am back in high school, and I don't feel like I'm 24 anymore. I feel like a 14-year-old too intimidated to go after something she wants... especially since I came to the (embarrassing yet relieving) conclusion that what I want is girls! Specifically, this girl, who has been my best friend for months! Oh God how embarrassing.
Well I couldn't bring myself to cancel. I showed up at her place around 8:30 and it seemed like she was alone. We hung out in room for a while watching movies, trying to get my mind off how much I want her. Eventually I get up to go to the washroom down the hall.
On my way back I passed an open bedroom - her brother's. I wasn't paying much mind but as I walked by something caught my eye... his guitar. I haven't played in months, since before I was Ellie. It was a nice red Epiphone, a fairly decent quality not unlike what I used to play. I just stood there in the doorway staring at it when I heard footsteps behind me. A deep voice said, "Can I help you?"
I turned and saw him towering over me. Her brother, Dennis. He's maybe 6' or more. I stammered, "Uh, I'm just looking at your guitar." I felt like a dwarf or something.
"Oh yeah, you like it? I got it for Christmas. I wanted the Les Paul but this one's good too."
I blurted out, "I had a Les Paul..." then I realized Ellie probably doesn't know crap about guitars so I corrected myself, "I mean, I had an uncle who had one. But he sold it. I used to play it a bit."
"Oh yeah?" he goes and sits down on his bed and turns on his amp. "You any good?"
I shrug nervously. In actuality I'm excellent but I keep forgetting who I look like. He starts playing the opening to Stairway to Heaven, and messes up a couple times, but he sounds like he's got it well practiced. I figure maybe he's maybe had a year or two of lessons and practice. I can't resist showing off - I sit next to him and he passes it over, and I start trying to do Santeria (by Sublime) but Ellie's fingers are a little clumsier than mine so I fumbled a lot.
I laughed, "I'm really out of practice, sorry."
He smiled, "No, that was good. What's your name again?"
It took me a moment "El...lie."
At this point, Emily is watching us from the doorway, probably none to impressed. We go back to her room.
She asks me, "Was my brother hitting on you?" I tell her no, not really (although I'm positive he was,) he was just showing me his guitar. She sighs and says "He's such a loser" and I say, "He seems like a cool guy."
She glares at me a little bit, before finally asking, "Do you... like him?"
I think I started blushing at this point. "What? No, God no..." I'm all flustered. "I mean, he's not my type he's... I don't even like..." I can't finish my statement until I find the words, "...he's old?" He's only 17. It's not unheard of to date that kind of distance, but sounds like a good enough excuse.
"Okay, yeah. Good. I dunno, that just seems kinda weird, if you did. I mean, he's my brother."
"Yeah, totally." The movie was over.
She lays back on her bed, takes a deep breath and says "Hey Ellie...... can you imagine yourself having sex?"
Now I'm even more shocked and embarrassed. Suddenly a mental imagine of a guy - Dennis - standing naked in front of me is in my mind and I'm trying to figure it all out. "Uh, no... not really."
"Me neither. Kinda. Maybe someday with Mike, I just don't... I dunno."
"Well, we're kinda young."
"I hear him and his friends talking about sex all the time. Why are they so into it?"
Since I kinda know the answer, I try to phrase it in a way a girl that age might know. "Um, well you know... I hear that like, most guys start getting boners when they're like 12."
"Ew, don't say that word."
"What, boners? Boners?" I laugh, and she seems disgusted but also on the verge of laughter. "Boners!" I start singing. "Emily loves boners, each and every day...!"
"Don't be gross!" She tosses a pillow at me. "I mean seriously... what do you think they're... like? Have you ever seen one?"
I shrug. Then there's a pause and I said something kinda stupid. "...I think I was a guy in a past life."
She laughs, "I can totally see that. Ellie, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are a guy."
I rested my head on the edge of her bed and muttered quietly, kinda sadly, "That... would be awesome."
She bounced on the bed and laughed, "Dude, don't be weird. If you were a guy we couldn't be friends. I just don't think guys and girls can be friends, you know? They'd always be thinking about having sex. What's the most you've ever done with a boy?"
I shrugged, "I haven't ever, uh, kissed one."
"Tammy West said you and Brian Maynard used to go out in eighth grade."
I paused. More of Ellie's past I didn't know. "We didn't, uh... do anything."
"How far would you go with a boy? If you were me, how far would you go with Mike?"
"I dunno. First base?"
"What's first base?"
"It's, uh... like, kissing. Just kissing. Why, what have you done?"
"He's touched my boob a couple times," she made an uncomfortable face, "It kinda hurt."
I smiled. "Boys don't know anything about boobs. They just wanna touch 'em."
"Hell yeah!" she laughed. Then we slapped each other five.
Dennis appeared in the doorway. "Hey, uh, I'm going out to a party. Might not be home tonight. Don't tell mom, 'kay?"
"Ellie loves you," Emily blurted out laughing. I turned away and shouted, "No!" I don't know how seriously he took it... he just kinda left without saying anything.
We talked for a few more hours before going to sleep. I was thinking we were gonna do head-to-toe, but she said she didn't want my feet in her face, so we slept beside each other. The smell of her hair drove me crazy. I was kind of in a daze for the next couple days. So much of a daze that back at school later that week, I ran into Dennis and didn't even notice. Just walked by him on my way to gym...
"Hey wait Ellie!"
I turned around, felt worried. "Yeah?"
"Listen, I know you're into guitars and stuff, and I know you're friends with my sister, but, like, if you ever wanted to come over? Like if she's not around and you just want to chill with me and just jam... I've got an old acoustic in my basement, if you don't mind playing that."
My mind starts to drift. I started to think how weird it would be to just be near a guy without Emily being around, especially her brother. Then I think aobut how embarrassed I was at my display, and how long it's been since I played guitar regularly and how much I miss it, even if Ellie's little fingers can't quite do what I used to. I must've just stood there for like 30 seconds until I finally snapped out of it and ran off blurting, "Um I dunno maybe? I'll talk to you later, I got class, bye..." and just bolted.
I've kinda been avoiding thinking about it all week. I'm just really uncomfortable. Talking about it helps, but I think I'm gonna have to do something eventually...... right? God I feel gross.
Whatever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)