I was lingerie-shopping with Raine on the weekend. I remember when I first transformed and going around looking at clothes, let alone frilly underwear, would've been the last thing I ever wanted to do. I'm hardly a shopaholic -- I'm really a cheapskate -- but a long while ago I started finding it therapeutic to go around looking at clothes and other things they sell to girls like me. Once I immersed myself in girlhood, it became a source of comfort to know how ordinary it all is.
Anyway just because I've gotten normal to this point doesn't mean I don't think it's a little odd. I came across a mannequin with a ruffly pair of yellow panties and a scandalous bra, and I joked to Raine "Could you actually see someone wearing this under their clothes? Like, you're walking around in your jeans and your top, and underneath you've got this?"
I snickered, but she just looked at me kind of deadpan and said "You're not supposed to" (obviously) "You put it on when you want to spice things up with a guy. It's just for the bedroom." Like I'm still some noob, like I need a tutorial on lingerie all of a sudden?
Instead of explaing that, yes, I get it, I was just making a joke, I sighed and decided to go on. "I just think it's silly. You don't need this stuff. Guys don't care what a girl is wearing, they just wanna see her naked and get busy."
She rolled her eyes, "Man, you really don't understand guys. They love the fantasy. That's half the fun."
I felt a little dejected at her analysis. I sure haven't been doing the legwork to understand males from my new perspective. There was a time when I never thought I'd get tired of looking at myself naked in Tori's body. Now I barely even bother letting my eyes linger, because I know the territory so well. Every curve, every inch, every speck. Maybe that's what being in a relationship (a real one, a sexual one, not like the ones I've had with girls) is like. The novelty wears off and you just accept each other's existence. That saddens me.
Back to underwear, she concluded, "Besides, not everyone just wants to wear plain white panties all the time, loser." I smiled and helpfully pointed out that my collection was a bit more varied than that -- it just also happened to be practical and comfy as well as sexy.
Speaking of, here's what happened when I got home after my weekend at the beach/Ken's. I got home that morning to find bad pop music blaring throughout the house (I want to say Ke$ha.) I traced it to Mae's room, which was obvious since she was the only one home. I knocked on her door. No answer. I opened it slowly and poked my head in.
She looked up from her bed, where she was lying face down sobbing into her pillow. She said "Oh hey Vic." I turned the music down and sat no the edge of her bed.
"Is something wrong?"
"No. Yes." She rolled over and pressed the pillow into her face and screamed at it. She pushed it aside and explained that her ex-boyfriend (Raine's little brother, you'll recall) had started seeing someone else.
I told her I thought she was over him, and she said she was, but she really wasn't ready for this. "It just hit me, you know? How over it is." I told her I know a thing or two about things being over.
"Plus, I know he's had his eye on her since we were together, so it's just shitty. This stupid skinny bitch with more tits than brains..."
She paused herself and looked at me apologetically, like I was supposed to take serious offense. I mean, I know Tori was once upon a time that exact type, and even if Mae knows how I am now, she also remembers "me" differently. So I just shook it off.
"Mae," I said, "Trust me when I say you're beautiful, okay? You may not think it--" I paused, trying not to sound too after school special-y, "But I know you, and I know that most girls are way more confused about who they are and what they're supposed to be, at your age and older. What's really awesome about you, and what guys are going to love, is how true to yourself you are. Sure, Ed was an asshole. You don't need someone like that. But the really cool guys, the ones that are a little shy and intimidated, maybe they don't even know it yet, but they're gonna want you later. Real soon, I bet."
I saw a glimmer of hope, but I'm not sure she quite agreed. Well, she'll see. We hugged and I left her, and she didn't turn the music back up. Eventually, she composed herself and got on with her day.