So much has happened to me in the month of November, I've had to take a day off at the end of it all just to recuperate. One the one had it feels like just a neverending crush of status quo, day in and day out working and living, but on the other hand, a couple of big changes. I guess this is the sort of thing that I save up for when I finally decide to write here.
I've been uncomfortable with this arrangement between Leo and me for some time. A purely sexual relationship, without any passion or commitment was the most convenient arrangement for me but every time I leave his place, I learn a little more that this is not what I want. I don't want to be shoved out the door while I'm pulling my nylons up. I don't want to be alone on my girlfriends' "date nights" because Leo's playing Call of Duty and doesn't want me around. I want someone to play COD with!
So after writing my last post I had given myself a lot to think about. I can't keep up this purely sexual relationship. I wasn't that kind of guy and I'm really not that kind of girl. So I was kind of in a daze, not even really responding to Leo's texts for like the first week or so of November while I was writing it. My cell would buzz inside my purse so often certain other co-workers started joking I was bringing my vibrator to work (which is not fair since I've never even used one.) So I was dreading even checking my texts when I was on the ride home... and to my surprise, I got one from Buddy. "In New York thru New Yrs. Come visit!"
I can't even describe how I felt when I read that. Like... when I was a guy and a girl I liked would give me a little attention, this was 10x that. My heart fluttered and I got embarrassed for getting so worked up over a simple little text, but my mind kept turning over the implications. I know Buddy's wanted to be in a relationship with me and tried to convince me to try something long distance, but at the time I was so clouded up by this whole thing with Leo that, well, it just didn't seem worth it.
Now, I think I'm ready. So I went to visit him on the next weekend, arriving in NYC on the 13th. We went out for a walk and basically had a really great several-hour conversation, beginning with The Walking Dead and ending with him recommending that I get around to reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (maybe someday.) He showed me around "his neighbourhood," which basically consisted of the block around his hotel, dinner, and a movie.
We went to see Due Date. The movie was pretty funny, although every time I laughed at something guyish (example: the Zack Galafianakis character masturbating himself to sleep) I could see him out of the corner of my eye make a quizzical face. Like just because I have boobs, I'm not supposed to find that funny. On the subway ride back he was quiet about it, but when we got to the hotel, I edged toward the topic by pointing out how funny it was (in hindsight it wasn't that funny, but I did laugh at it.) He kinda averted his eyes and says, "Yeah, that was uh, a funny gag, I guess."
Egging him on a little, I nudged his shoulder and asked "You ever need to do that to get to sleep?"
He started to blush, like a kid caught by his parents. "Nnnn...ot really... that much..."
I smirked. "Hey, no need to be embarrassed. Everyone does it."
He twisted his mouth oddly, trying to figure out how to react, whether I was kidding him or we were really talking about that. "Probably not everyone..."
"Well, everyone in this room does."
"Heh, heh... yeah..."
"What am I doing here?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I didn't come here to have dinner at the hotel restaurant and see a Bromance. What are we doing?"
"I guess I thought we could hang out, and..."
Still flustered, he admitted, "I don't know..."
"You don't know? Buddy, what do you see when you look at me?"
Again, he stammered a while -- cute, but eventually irritating -- before I coaxed him into saying, "Look. when we first met, I thought you were... different. I thought you were just a really hot girl who knew enough about stuff I liked that I could talk to you. And that first night, I thought I could get some and then you'd move on past me and it would just be a cool story. And then I got to know you and see how cool you were, and... I got nervous. It's like, why would you really want to be with me? And I started to think you were putting me off as a way of... like, politely turning me down, so... I don't know, Tori. What are we doing?"
"I'll tell you what we're doing. Buddy, when you texted me to come down here, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. I wasn't putting you off, I was just... nervous. I have some issues, and it's stuff I'm working on, but having you nearby will definitely help. So look at me." I took his hands and put them on my shoulders. "I'm not wearing a push-up bra for my health. And I'm not wearing this top because I like it when a breeze blows down my cleavage and makes my nipples stand up. And I didn't shave so I could keep my skirt on all night."
I feel like the forward approach may have been a bit intimidating, but I'm glad I did it because one of us had to be the guy, and I've learned a thing or two about being assertive since being with Leo.
I took my top off. He buried his face in my breasts like he'd never been happier to be anywhere. I unclasped my bra and let him feel them while we laid down on the bed. Things started to happen pretty quickly after that...
It's hard to believe that only a few months ago I'd never been with a guy, and I'm already on my second one. I mean, It felt different, and I sort of had to lead Buddy through all this, but at least we know where we stand now.
It's not like with Leo. It's not all about the sexual fulfillment, it's about company, and even as far away as New York, I still feel closer to him than I have to any man I've known since becoming Tori.
I woke up the next morning next to him, feeling like things had really changed. It's been a long road in getting here, a lot of wondering what kind of transition I was going through, from Cliff to Tori, how far it would take me away from where I started and how it would feel. I'm still uncertain, but it's the kind of uncertainty you feel when you're going through anything... not a paralyzing, life-altering feeling like when you first wake up this way, but just the way it is when you're starting to see you're finally making the right decisions.
I looked over at him. His eyes were just fluttering awake. When he opened them and looked over at me, I smiled. He smiled back and kissed me. I told him we should go for breakfast. It was Sunday morning and I wanted to spend a little time with him before heading back to Philly.
A fair bit's happened since then, but mostly stuff you could figure out from the tone of this post. I've visited him every weekend since then, except Thanksgiving, which so far has been, well... a different matter. As for me and Leo, that's done, and I'll explain how in my next post.