Tori: Hot and cold.

It's so strange that my life is continually working toward this phase where nothing about it is so strange to me that I need to blog about it. It's like when you're a teenager and you have all these new thoughts and feelings and you want to share them, but you grow out of it. I had to grow out of it twice. And now my life is headed on a track toward normal. Which is awesome.

I've been seeing Alex... which is weird to write since I've been reading about "Alex"-Greg... Alexis. Whatever he's calling himself lately. But of course my Alex is my Alex.

My relationship with him is the sort of thing I was hoping to have with Buddy. He's not as much of a geek as Buddy, but he has his moments and is very open. After some resistance, I got him to watch the sixth series of Doctor Who with me, and he loved it. Next we're gonna marathon Fringe. Also, while Buddy seemed uncomfortable with how tomboyish I can be, Alex says he really likes it, which is good because I'm still not the girliest girl in the world. He even laughed when he found out that on geek forums I tend to set my profile as "Male" just to avoid the usual suckiness of being a girl on the internet (getting accused of being an attention whore, which happens a lot.)

But a relationship can't just be lying together on a couch watching sci-fi, though. I have needs, guys. Womanly needs. Alex was taking it slow, though. I mean, I never had sex as a guy, but I know I always wanted to, especially when presented with a girl who looks like I do... or at least as good as I think I do. It started to bother me. The attraction was definitely there. I felt it. Through his pants, I mean.

But for whatever reason we were having trouble getting to that "rip your clothes off" level of attraction and I got worried. But how do you bring that up? "Why don't you wanna screw me?" I guess I could've made more of an initiative to start it, but I don't have any experience with that. Buddy was shy, but he was good to go. Alex was taking this "playing it cool" thing too far. We'd make out on the couch and I kept wanting to say "Let's take it to the bedroom" but the words never came out.

I started to worry that I really wasn't ready, even though it's been months since the break-up.

Then one day things got effed up at work. We have had some staff turnaround lately, and one of the new guys fucked up one of our databases and caused a lot of headaches for me, and by the end of the day all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and drink. So of course that was a night he was due to come over. I was already half in the bag when he came by, so when he came by I was really ready to deal with it... because I was naked in bed with half a bottle of wine. I was pretty much wearing a sign saying "JUST DO IT ALREADY!"

"Well?" I asked, after a few seconds of silence, "Are you ready or not?"

Quicker than you can say "SHAZAM!" he was naked and in bed with me and we started to fool around. It felt so good to finally let it happen. I remember my first time, I was so guarded and awkward and I just wanted it over with so I could say I did it... so I could say I did something. Since then I've really felt like it's an important part of my life. It's true that women think about sex differently than men, but it's not true they don't think of it at all.

So we're getting warmed up and I climb on top of him, ready to get the show on the road, when... stupid drunk me, I lose my balance and all off my own bed and injure my coccyx.

God, I swear this stuff only happens to me.

So, the idea of intimate activity was off the table for a few more weeks. And that was when Todd's band came to town. I'm not really a music lover and it was hard to drag Alex out on the premise that I knew these guys without giving the exact details how, but I don't know when or if any Inn people will be in Philadelphia soon.

I've only met them a few times before, except Alia, whom I barely know in her real body. Afterwards we went for a few drinks. Alex opted to leave early since he was going hiking with his dad the next day (which was news to me.) Apparently Bryan's broke up with the drummer a while earlier, so Todd went off with her since they're friends too. (That must get awkward.) That left me with Bryan and Alia, and Bryan wasn't in much of a mood to talk, so Alia and I caught up on girl talk. She's really proud of me for making strides in taking control in my life, and seemed to approve of Alex based on the brief moment they met. She wished she could have looked out for me more when we were both in Philly, but she did have her own "life" to worry about.

The next day, Alex and I had a bit of an argument, since he didn't like that I didn't go with him. I told him I never see these people and they're my friends (maybe exaggerating but I had to win the argument.) He's normally so easygoing, so this whole thing was weird... I think maybe he caught Bryan glancing at my chest a bit.

I told him he never gets jealous of anyone at work attempting to flirt with me. He said that's different since he knows those people and they know there's no chance. "But suddenly these dudes come out of nowhere, it's like there's this whole slice of your life I don't even know anything about and you won't tell me. I don't like the idea of some mystery from your past suddenly getting kicked up."

I take a breath and answer back, "Well, guess what. Guys look. I know it. I've dealt with that a long time. But 99% of the time they either don't try or they wouldn't get anywhere if they did. Hey, you silly bastard, don't forget you have first claim on these tits and everything else attached to them. You wanna look? I'll give you the tour." And I whipped off my shirt and unfastened my bra.

I basically argued myself into finally having sex with him. And oh, man was it hot.

So... this presents a problem. We've finally had sex after MONTHS of dating or kinda-dating, but it was after a fight without any real resolution. Am I gonna have to get angry at him every time I need some loving? Or are we going to be able to get over ourselves and just do it like normal people?

Man, I've never been a normal person, even before I was this person.