Monday, October 15, 2012

Tori: Back to Black

Stressing out in front of a mirror has sort of been my main hobby for years. Of course, in the old days, it was like "How does this stuff even work?" ("This stuff" being literally every part of my body.) Then it became "How do I impress guys?" (Turns out, pretty easily.) And then it was, "Does my guy like the way I look in the morning/at night/ever/always?" (Sometimes I forget it's often just a simple matter of having boobs.) And now it's... "what am I even doing?"

Seriously. I've been a girl for over three years now. You'd think I'd have a good handle on the experience, but there's always something new. I'm single for the first time in... well, let's break it down. For the first year, I was single, but I was also still pretty much a guy in my head. Everything physical about this body was off limits unless it was essential for my own survival. Even I didn't touch until way after I probably should have (looking back, amazing self-restraint I will never have again.) Then by the time I wanted to be with a guy, I found one (Leo) and when I wanted something more serious, I found Buddy, and when I got tired of him, I was on my way to getting Alex. So my life as a real "single woman" can be condensed to, like, a matter of weeks, before recently.

So in a way, I don't know how to dress for myself. I want to look nice, and presentable, and comfortable, and yet... not available. Not yet. I'm not ready. I want to try being alone for a while. I want to be able to leave the house without looking at every guy I meet like an item on a menu. I know that they'll be looking at me no matter what - I know from experience that even the hint of a female body is going to get looks from a certain segment of the population. But I need to carry myself in a way that says "move along, boys."

I dyed my hair back to black. It was getting too frustrating to touch up my roots every couple of weeks, and I just did not feel good about being a blonde anymore. I missed my long dark hair, the look I first woke up with back in 2009. It always was a hassle to maintain, but the short dark cut looks too serious. I think I really will be ready to have fun again by the time my hair grows out (it's currently just long enough to put behind my ears.)

We had Sara's bachelorette party this past weekend. This is the second wedding I've been involved with since my transformation, and again I'm in the bridal party. This time I'm trying to get more into it, but Sara seems very detached and hurried. She's been with Thom for years now - literally almost since I've been here! - and she seems so keen to get this wedding over with in a hurry. I thought wedding planning would be up her alley, but she seems so "over" the whole process. I'm being supportive.

The party, though. Oh, lord. It was me, Raine, Sara, and three other girls who are married, engaged or in serious relationships. Raine and I were "the single ones" so it was like a game to them to get us hooked up for their own amusement. I did not help their cause by wearing a white button-up blouse that made me look like a waitress. They were not taking "I'm off men right now" for an answer.

It's not that none of them looked good to me, but I did just get out of a long term relationship. It's going to be a long time before I can look at another guy because part of my brain still feels like I'm really still in a relationship even though I know I'm not. It feels like cheating to check out other guys.

I'm in a weird place right now. I miss Alex so much, or at least, I miss the person I thought he was. I miss being with him, or maybe just being with someone, being somewhere stable. But I'm not sad anymore. The way it ended fucked with my head so hard it's hard to know how I feel. Like I can't trust my instincts, maybe. Like I should be mad, or sad, or regretful, but I'm just... numb about it. It would be easier if I were still crying my eyes out but I'm just... past it. I'm just not ready to go back to square one with a guy again.

So here I am on my laptop on a Monday night, stripped to my skivvies and wondering how my life might be different right now if I let that bodybuilder looking dude do a body shot off my abdomen on Saturday. Maybe I'd feel better about myself. Maybe I'd feel worse.

I'm back to feeling like I don't belong anywhere, just like old times. Sigh...

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