Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Tori: Blue State

After moping around for the last few months, it's nice that the craziness of the last few weeks have forced me to get my mind off myself. This probably isn't going to be the type of post you guys generally expect or want from us, but I felt like I needed to clear my head a bit and this is my best outlet.

I've moved on a bit. Last time I checked in on herem I was still wondering what I was doing with myself after Alex. So far the only consequences have been the occasional sobbing bout of loneliness when I'm hormonal, and a lot more "me time." No big deal, so long as I remember not to let this become the new norm.

I find myself worrying about getting into a rut. It reminds me a bit of how my life was when I first got here, working as a telemarketer and keeping as far away as I could from romantic attention. I'm different now, I have the know-how and attitude to take control of my situation. But what does that mean... do I look for a relationship? Attempt a string of hook-ups? Stay single a little longer? Wait for a handsome prince to finally come my way? You could drive yourself crazy considering your options, and then they slip away.

Then the hurricane hit, and even though Philadelphia hardly got the worst of it, it still ranks right up there in the list of scariest moments of my life not directly related to my transformation. Sure, if I never went to the Inn I would never have wound up in Philadelphia and my experience with the Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy would be limited, but this is my home, my life. And last Monday, I was hunkered down with the folks and Mae, as well as my brother Ken, his wife Jana, and their kid, as they rightly guessed the Jersey shore would be a dangerous place to stay when this all went down. There was no group of people I'd be happier to face a life-threatening storm with.

The week of the election, though, I couldn't help thinking of my other family... my "old" family (I'd be reluctant to call them my "real" family by now.) Specifically my dad. He always had a weird way of thinking about politics. He always voted with his gut. The last election, when I was still Cliff, we had a long talk about it. He didn't particularly like Barack Obama, thought McCain would bring more experience or some such. He's not a lifelong Republican or anything - I think he probably voted Reagan in the 80's then went for Clinton in the 90's - but the way he put it, he had something against the idea that Obama was "popular." I was a young (albeit older than I am now... by some counts) idealist, so I went with Barack based on little besides my dislike for Sarah Palin.

This year, I've been exposed to an ugly side of politics, the way women are treated by those in power. It's not something I would have been conscious of as a man, or if I was it would be a very removed way, but seeing all these guys on TV these blowhards shooting their mouths off about subjects they know nothing about, it was a bit sickening. It kind of highlighted what a learning experience all of this has been, and I don't mean to alienate anyone with my personal politics, but this is just something I was thinking about, how my "views" have been shaped over the past few years just because in one night my entire life changed. I don't know, this sounded so much more meaningful in my head.

Since then, there was also Sara's wedding. I thought it was going to be a big event... Sara always truck me as the type of girl who dreamed of a big wedding, but in the past few weeks she confessed to me she was more happy to have a modest ceremony and get on with married life. It was a nice, low-key affair. Raine and I were standing by her side as she and Thom said their vows.

At the reception, I made a speech about how happy I was to be seeing them start their life together. I made some references, for nobody but myself, about the fact that I first saw them together not long after I was transformed into Tori, and seeing them together both scared me, and in a way, excited me... to know what love a man could have for a woman, and a woman for a man. Sara said she liked it, although her expression suggested she was hiding something. Maybe she was annoyed that it was "about me" and not them as much, even though I talked about watching them grow as a couple and taking my cues from them. Well, can't please everyone (although pleasing the bride probably would've been preferable.)

I tried to get into the festive spirit. I danced with a few guys, and they were happy to hit on me, and I was in a good enough mood to flirt back, but there were no bathroom hookups and I left alone.

As I settled in to bed, I thought about how much fun it was to just cut loose... without being "in a couple." Sure, I don't know where my next lay is coming from, but the prospect of playing the field is seeming more appealing to me than ever.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Tori! It's always a pleasure to hear from you. Don't have much to add to the discussion here, but just wanted to say we love to hear your ongoing story.