I found out a while ago that I'm not the only girl David sees. He admitted it to me while we were hanging out and said that he likes me but he's not into commitment "right now." I had a hard time processing this because as far as I'm concerned one guy dates one girl and that's it...
"Are you having sex with these other girls?" I asked.
"No, I only fuck one girl at a time. We make out though."
It burned me inside to think that he was spending time with other girls, but given how touch-and-go I am about the whole situation, could I really convince him I deserve all his attention?
Despite my uncertainty about the relationship's progress... or whether we're even having a relationship... I still feel bad if I don't see him very often, if I don't check in. So obviously I'm at least a little into him, which is scary. I wish I could cut out the part of me that likes hanging out with him, that likes his big hands on my body. And I hope you're right, Anon, I hope it gets left behind when I go back to being Cal.
So I was calling him up to make plans for Friday and I got his voicemail, and I was going to hang up and just text him but I decided to just blurt out a bunch of stuff like "Hey, sorry I'm flaky, I don't really know how to do this dating thing and I wanna thank you for being patient with me... I have a lot of stuff to work out and I don't really know what this is but I'm having fun and I want to see you Friday if you're free. Okay, my voice is probably sounding really annoying now, god it's so nasal and gross. Pretend I didn't say anything. Just, um, let me know."
And then I went to go hyperventilate in my room for a few minutes, until my phone buzzed.
"Hey," he texted, "Just got your message. It made me laugh. I love the sound of your voice, don't be embarrassed about it. :)"
My jaw dropped. I got that pained feeling in my stomach.
This was, like, the first time anyone said they loved anything about me. And sure, this voice isn't mine by birth, but it just means he likes, you know, my whole self, right? It's code.
My knees got weak. I laid down on the bed. I felt myself getting wet. Trembling, I started to rub myself...
Oh God. How could this be happening just from a text?
I'm in way over my head here.
This... is happening...?