Thursday, March 06, 2014

Cal/Angie: The eggs are broken

So I might as well tell you this since it's been ages since I posted and maybe you're wondering... I've started dating my co-worker David.

Considering the last post on here is Trish/Robbie telling you about me confessing my feelings for him, you might be confused... well, obviously nobody's more confused than me. For the record, Robbie had my consent to post that, and while the whole thing stung I believe in openness. It's a fair record of what we were going through and he was right.

But that doesn't make me any less lonely.

Like... what is this? What is my life? I get up, I go to work, I don't talk to anyone but co-workers and customers, I keep myself busy, I come home and I just... flop down. I had no life when I was at home in Mass, and if I came all this way just to have no life, I don't think I could take it. I was crying on a near daily basis even before the thing with me and Robbie.

I've known David was interested in me for a long time, and at first it scared me, and worried me, but he was kind enough not to be creepy about it, and indirectly that gave me time to get used to the idea. And I thought it would be smarter to try to date Robbie, because not only do I like him as a person, but we share a secret and, I don't know, I feel closer. I'll always feel that connection, even to the Lowell folks that I've kind of fallen out with.

But I gave it time with David, and he still seemed to like me. So after a few more weeks of constant emotional breakdown I decided the only thing I could try to do was ask him if he wanted to go out on a date.

I know, Robbie was right about it not being smart to date anyone like this, but I couldn't really fight the feelings I was having... not necessarily for David, but for the world, and about myself. I need this, okay?

So we started slow, I started spending time over at his place, and we'd have drinks and do a joint or whatever you call smoking weed. It really relaxes me, and we talk for a while and then... as soon as I feel like it we start touching and he leans in close... and I don't back away. It started with a peck on his lips. It was just the weirdest thing. Here's this guy who isn't that big, I guess but sitting next to him I feel tiny and vulnerable, and he could do whatever he wants, and I'm scared for my life and have no idea what's going to happen next. And he's got these thin, dry lips, and a big of a beard so it scratches against my skin. That shocked me. Not that it happened, just that... I was letting it.

Then as soon as I decided I was okay with that I went in for another one, and we were off and running. I don't know, it's just nice to have someone giving you that kind of attention. Pressing you where you need to be pressed, running their hands up your spine and thigh. I could feel him nervously making his moves, hesitating slightly, seeing where he should move his hands...

Then he found the clasp of my bra, and that was just too much, but I didn't have the words to tell him to stop. And I figured, hey, I didn't think I would like kissing him, why not just let him have this?

In the end it didn't really get comfortable at that level, but thankfully it didn't go any further. When we finally broke off,I was just totally stunned into silence. I haven't kissed anyone like that in a long time, let alone a guy. I flashed through my entire head over the story of how it came to that... months of getting steadily more confused about who I am and what I want, finding myself stumbling over my words or letting my eyes linger on on guys in general, trying to figure out what I really see. Getting that feeling deep inside, like my midsection is pulling my lungs down and my knees getting a little woozy, just because, I don't know, the light hits someone the right way, and admitting what it all adds up to.

We talked it out, and I said I didn't know what it all meant, and I'm really not in a place where I can be counted on to be anyone's girlfriend... but I liked him and I was trying to figure out what it meant. He said that was cool, "obviously," and would do or be whatever I needed, and that was so scarily exactly what I needed to hear that I'm a little afraid he was just saying what I wanted to hear to win points, which... has me really turned around. Again.

I'm still not sure if I feel okay about it, about liking it and letting it happen again, and I really really don't know if it's okay that I'm letting him believe I'm something I'm not, but... well, the egg is broken.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Of course this will be confusing and difficult for you. But you're right that we all need that human connection. Trish/Robbie is wrong that you shouldn't keep living your life because of this situation. Your life just is a little different than it was a year ago. But it's still your life.

Hope things work out for you and your co-worker. But either way, it's good that you're taking steps to live your life as you see fit, regardless of what body you're in at the time.