Cal/Angie: Facepalm! (Among other things.)

I mentioned to Trish today that the last time we stayed here it didn't take so long to transform us. The whole thing was starting to bug me. Then she mentioned that she remembered reading that it seemed like the "power" of the Inn was only unleashed when all the vacancies were filled: that's 13 beds.

We have 12. Specifically, all of us and one extra room that was supposed to go to James. But he can't come because he can't fly yet after his appendectomy.

And our reservations are almost up.

Um, PROBLEM.

What if we don't get a 13th? Will it just change some random passerby while we're all asleep? Will it shake up the order of who goes where? I don't wanna be Derek or Trish or Roy! What if it just doesn't work in the time we have paid to be here, and we have to go home unchanged, and I have to keep being Angie? What happens to my body? Does it go to the next person to stay in the room - the real Angie? That just tangles things up further. I'm really stressing out.

There's only one thing I can do to get my mind off it. See, every morning since we got here, I've checked the most obvious regions of my body to see if it was still Angie's. This has had the odd side-effect of re-awakening certain urges that I lost after my debacle with David.

And I got those urges back hard.

It's like, there's nothing else to do, and I'm not going to be a woman much longer, why not just spend as much time as possible totally wrapped up in myself? If the life I'm going back to is anything like I left it, it could be a long time before I see a real live naked girl (sadly.) For the time being, these are still my curves, my flesh, my parts... I don't think I need to convince you.

Maybe I went a little too hot and heavy, going for hours on end to start the day, probably reaching volumes loud enough for the whole beach to hear, but there's really nothing else to do here but wait and, well, playing with ourselves.

And then something happened to make it weird. He popped into my head.

I was so angry but I couldn't stop flashing back to the way he used to touch me, the way I liked it - it's really my only significant experience with another person in this body, so it's a very strong image. And I couldn't bring myself to stop, and by the time I finished, I was practically crying because of all the bad feelings wrapped up in my memories of him...

And then I just laid there and thought about it. How am I so wrapped up in this guy? A year ago, I didn't ever like guys that way. A few months ago I told myself it was just because it was easier. Now I'm more confused than ever about who I am and what I like. Can I go back to liking girls as easily as I switched to guys? When I'm Callum again - if that happens - am I going to sit around moping heartbroken over him again? Will I find it easy to just go back to being "the guy" in a relationship, knowing I was the woman, the one who got played and heartbroken, the one who was, ever so briefly, hungry for c--k?

I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I hate myself. I want this to end now.

A well-meaning commenter mentioned it would be nice if we could trick David into coming to the Inn. I suppose that would help our current predicament. And if someone has to transform, it might as well be someone I loathe. Maybe I could show him all the pain he's caused. Maybe he'd wind up as a girl and get the same experience I had all year. Truth is, that's just wishful thinking and I doubt I would wish this experience on my worst enemy... at its worst, it's unbearable, and yet at its best it's shockingly great, so how is that satisfying? I dunno.

I just hope it ends soon.