I'm kind of hesitant about posting this entry, because It's pretty private and I'm a little embarrassed about it, even though it isn't really anything to be embarrassed about. I've decided to go ahead and share because similar posts from previous inn-victims were helpful to me, and if anything these posts could be useful for any future men who find themselves as women.
We need to begin in late September, when I was able to get off work early and go to one of Ashley's cross country meets. Most meets are either around local high schools or a course through various parks near to the high school, and whenever Ashley was running in one that was in reasonable driving distance, I made an effort to make it. Cross country isn't exactly the most attended sport, and women's athletics in general don't get the attention that they deserve so most of the people watching around the race-course tend to be family and friends of the runners and I didn't want Ashley to be one of the only kids there with no one to support her, so I would let the office phone go to voicemail and duck out around 4 pm to make it there.
So there I was in some park in nearby Warren standing on the side of the race-course with a cup of gatorade to hand Ashley as she ran by when one of the other spectators decided to chat me up. He was tall, I think, since most men are tall compared to me now, well built, and had one of those strong faces that made it so that he could pull off being bald without looking dumb or creepy.
"Which school are you here for?" He asked casually (Cross country meets have all the schools in the conference running against each other at the same time.
"Trenton-Ford" I say, noticing that he was wearing a sweat shirt with the school's logo on it
"Oh yeah?" He sounded surprised "You didn't go there did you, I would have remembered going to high school with you, you'd stand out"
"No, I went to Eastpointe" I say, glad that I had had the foresight to look at Kari's yearbook that one time "So who are you here for, or are you just a big supporter of your Alma Mater?"
"Keisha Powers" he said proudly naming one of the better runners on the team "She's my little sister. How about you?"
"Ashley Cruz" I tell him as some runners ran by, one of them taking my gatorade.
"Oh the new girl" he says, clearly a close follower of the team "Is she your sister, cousin,?"
"Daughter" I said. I poured another paper cup of gatorade during the pause. It was a pause I was used to getting. Ashley is 30 years old and looks younger than that. Every time I tell someone, especially men, that I've got a teenage daughter there's usually a pause while they do the mental math. Its often followed by a judgmental look for a polite "oh" as they realize that Kari was a really young teenage mother. Neither came from this guy, which was refreshing.
"I'm Darius, by the way" he said as he extended his seemingly giant hand
"Kari" I replied with a smile.
"How long has she been running" he asked
"About six weeks. I told her she needed an activity so she chose this one."
"Smart move" he nodded "I was a runner too, its great discipline and exercise. Were you a runner back in high school?"
"Nope, I was more into baseball" I said without thinking because another runner had snatched the gatorade "I like watching it" I corrected when he was wondering how a girl had made the baseball team.
This led to a casual chat about the Tigers and various other things peppered with compliments on my looks, and a few about my personality. He laughed at things that I said, even a few that weren't very funny. It was clear he was flirting, I deal with flirting on a daily basis. Every man that comes into the office spends a few seconds smiling and trying to either compliment me or impress me. I've also been out to clubs and bars as a single woman, as well as spent a couple of decades as a man.
The thing is, unlike most of the time when it's annoying, I didn't mind it from Darius. Perhaps because he was good at it. He casually talked himself and complimented me while seeming truly interested. I didn't hurt that he was cute and my body is full of hormones that recognized that.
Eventually Ashley passed by with some of the last runners and we moved to the finish line. He stayed and chatted the entire time despite Keisha finishing way earlier.
Fast forward to Monday evening when I was picking up some of Ashley's school papers I came across a flier that was information for the Fall Sports awards banquet, and apparently Ashley was getting an award. This came as a surprise to me, because despite never missing practice and trying her hardest...Ashley isn't exactly good at cross country. I don't think she finished better than fourth-from-last once the entire season. The bigger surprise was that it was that coming Saturday and this was the first I'd heard of it.
"Did you know you're awards banquet is Saturday?" I asked as I placed the flier down in front of her
"Oh yeah" she shrugged barely looking up from her phone
"So we're you going to tell me so I could prepare for it?" I said, realizing just how much of a mom I could sound like sometimes
"It's on a Saturday" she said "You usually go out with Aunt Rosita on Saturdays. It's not a big deal"
"It kinda is" I said encouragingly "You're getting an award!"
"Most improved or something like that" she explained "It's not a real award"
"Yes it is" I affirmed "Your coaches and teammates saw how much you tried and felt that it deserved a reward. You'd be insulting them if we didn't show up to accept it."
"So you really wanna go?" She asked surprised
"Of course" I exclaimed, simultaneously proud of her and a little sad that she had such low expectations from her mother.
"Can Dad come?" She added
This brings us back to the end of my last post. Kari called me back a couple of days later, she never picks up when I call. I don't know if its because she doesn't want to "break character" on the fly or if her new job is really busy but usually I text or call and get a call back.
"What's the deal with Ashley's dad?" I asked carefully
"Oh God, what does he want?" came the response
"Nothing" I said worried "I ran into him at a party and I wanted to know if there was anything wrong with him, like should he be kept away from Ashley"
"He's an asshole and a loser" she spat
"But like, does he use drugs or crime or anything terrible. Should I tell Ashley not to be around him?" I repeated
"If you want to deal with his bullshit, that's on you" she said "But don't get his hopes up for when I'm back. I gotta go, don't call me unless it's really important"
That last part was a bit troubling, because you'd think someone would more than happy to help their old self, but I'll worry about that later. My take from the whole thing is that Darrin isn't really a BAD guy per se, Kari just doesn't like him. I can understand why, he did get her pregnant at a young age and derailed her entire life and never stepped up as a parent leaving her to do it by herself. It's an understandable level of hurt but I personally don't have anything against that guy and he does still talk to his daughter on a regular basis. Besides, it isn't really about what I wanted or what Kari wanted. Ashley ran probably more than 100 miles this year and if she wants her dad to see her get an award for it, she can have it.
So Saturday night shows up and I'm wearing a blue dress that is pretty modest for being in Kari's closet and Ashley got a new green one because I let her use the credit card because I was a couple months ahead on it. The awards banquet was held in the school cafeteria and all the guests were seated at tables facing a stage that had been set up along one of the walls. There were about two or three families per table depending on how many people were in each party.
Ashley had strategically sat between me and Darrin, despite my acquiescence to him coming she was still on eggshells a bit, lord knows what kind of fights she'd seen growing up. Sitting at the same table was us was Keisha Powers and her family, a middle aged couple who were her parents and her extra supportive older brother, Darius, who was seated to my left.
I was glad for that initially, since we had some stuff in common and I knew that he could carry a conversation it would be good to have someone to chat with quietly during the ceremony because these things can drag on a bit, especially the parts that aren't about your kid's sport. Darius, as he did last time, began casually flirting and like last time I didn't react negatively in fact I took it a step further.
I flirted back.
Its not like I was TRYING to, but I definitely wasn't trying not to. Little things like giggling, lightly touching his forearm, at one point I leaned my head on my hand and cocked it toward him, smiling uncontrollably. What's strange is that the whole time I knew what I was doing but didn't care. In my alcohol infused nights-out with Rosita I found myself doing similar things due to lower inhibitions but there was no booze that night. I was flirting with a guy that despite every objection from my heterosexual male brain, my heterosexual female body found quite attractive. I think Darrin could tell because he was visibly uncomfortable watching his ex flirt with another guy in such close proximity.
Darius could tell too, as the night went on he kept getting this look of confident self-satisfaction. Finally Keisha got her MVP award and Ashley got her Most Improved Player award and after dozens of photos that Ashely was blushing in we headed home. In the car Ashley and I got to talking, which is where we do a lot of talking, just us in an enclosed space, and she asked me. "Do you like Keisha's brother?"
Was I that obvious. "He's very nice, we had a lot in common"
"Yeah, because you're TOTALLY into baseball" she said sarcastically "Just don't do anything to make it awkward for me, like you did with Paula's dad. Or Mr. Bennent"
I made a mental note to find out those two men were, but assumed they were guys Kari had dated who had kids Ashley's age.
When we got home I went to the bedroom and locked the door tight. I knew what I needed to do. I became Kari in mid-June, and it was November. That's five months. In five months I'd never...explored. I'm not naive enough to think that girls don't do that, or that I was still so uncomfortable in my body that I was afraid of that area, heck I figured out tampons relatively easily. I'd touched, and occasionally stroked but always chickened out shortly after the first tingling of pleasure came. Either out of guilt or the fact that Ashely was usually a couple rooms away.
I knew I couldn't put it off any longer though. My behavior that night was caused by a built up stream of female horniness that hadn't been taken care of in at least 5 months. I can't imagine going that long as a man, but as a woman the signs are less evident and glaring. Checking once again that the bedroom door was locked I took off my dress and laid back on the bed. Maybe I hadn't fully committed to finishing that time but after enough over the panties rubbing I was a woman possessed. It was like my brain was making all these unknown connections to very sensitive nerve endings and all I could do was keep going because I wanted...I needed more.
After getting as close as I could get with my fingers I opened up the bottom dresser drawer and pulled out "The Intimidator". That's the nickname I gave to that thing when I first found it. It's way bigger and wider than I was in my old body and it looks even bigger from the perspective of this one. Luckily the batteries still worked.
I don't know how to adequately describe how different it felt other than...full? Like the sensations are similar, they're just coming from entirely different places, and they take a whole lot longer to get there but they last a lot longer. The strangest part was all the involuntary movement. Not just the contracting of muscles I didn't usually have, but also the arching of the back and the grinding of the hips. The weirdest was the moaning. I knew Ashley was in the next room and I was trying to be quiet but as I got closer and closer I got louder and louder until I finally had to hold a pillow over my face.
Finally it was over, but not in an instant. All the slow buildup came with a slow come down, and I just lay there breathing heavily with the soft hum in between my legs. I remembered to put it away before climbing into bed and sleeping the soundest sleep I could remember since becoming Kari.
I woke up refreshed, and have been that way since. I'm still a little embarrassed about it, it was hard to write this without blushing a little bit. I feel like a 13 year old girl writing in her diary after she discovers herself. I don't regret doing it though, it's good to know that I can relieve stress like that. I do regret waiting this long to try.