Lane/Kari: Facing Myself

Hi.
It's been a long time sinceI posted last. I tried to write a couple of posts a few times but the words just wouldn't come out right and I couldn't get into the correct headspace. But Tyler's last couple of posts have given me a bit of courage to share the traumatizing event that happened to me last week.

I got dumped.

That must be a big shock to you all, considering I never made any mention of me being in a relationship. Let me back up a little.

My last entry recounted the first time that Darius and I had sex, and it still makes me blush thinking about writing it despite the dozens of subsequent times it happened. My outlook and plan at the time was to keep things casual and exploratory with Darius, but not to get too attached since I was leaving in June. That plan lasted about 3 days.

It was a Friday night and we had just finished seeing a movie and we went back to his place. We we had finished with the sex I was still sorta seeing stars with my head curled up under his arm while he kissed the top of my hair and stroked my side.

"Babe, I know you said you wanted to take things slow" he said soft of voice and firm of tone "But this thing that we got...I want it to be more. I think we should be exclusive"

I was about to recite my practiced and planned response of how I needed to take things slowly and yadda yadda yadda when the words "I'd love that" escaped my lips.

There's this thing I do when trying to pass myself off as someone else where I just sit back sometimes and let my subconscious do the talking or reacting. On some level my brain is swimming in Kari's hormones so I feel like Kari does, so sometimes I just go with my gut instinct. This came in really handy when I first started having sex with Latherman but I've used it in other situations. I'm 99% certain women's/mother's intuition is real.

So just like that I had a boyfriend. A kind, courteous, charming boyfriend who texted me everyday and called me beautiful and gave a self conscious guy in a woman's body a major ego boost and pick me up. This was major news and definitely blog worthy.

But I couldn't write.

I'd sit down, ready to break the news and I would suddenly be rather embarrassed. Writing in this blog is when I'm Lane. Whenever I speak to someone else or am out in the world, I have to be Kari. When I spill my guts here, I'm Lane again. And Lane would never even think about doing some of the things that I did to and with Darius. I'm blushing a little just thinking about them. I know I shouldn't be worried about what you guys think, this blog is filled with the chronicles of former men in women's bodies having sex with men, but even after all these months there's the tiniest bit of ick factor that this blog activates. I had no trouble writing about the affair with Latherman because that was something that I feel I have to do. Darius was something that I wanted to do. That I chose to do. That I kept doing.

So why did I get dumped?

One fine morning a couple of weeks ago me and Darius were tangled up under his covers when we heard a phone vibrating from underneath our pile of clothes. Darius has a busy job and often gets important texts and we weren't sure whose phone was buzzing so he checked. It was mine and he accidentally saw the text.

"Who's Nick L.?" He asked, sounding slightly pissed off

I froze. I stammered a bit but I don't think I said any actual words

"And why is he buying you panties?"

The text he had read said. "Bought you some sexy panties to replace the ones I ripped."

I should explain. I never stopped having sex Kari's boss, even after me and Darius were official. That meant I cheated on him about a dozen times over the course of our short relationship, which was a shitty thing for me to do. I justified it with some serious mental gymnastics and compartmentalizing. I told myself that Latherman was a Kari thing, and not me. It wasn't cheating if my emotions weren't in it. It was purely physical.

But no amount of explanation would make Darius believe that Latherman was having sex with Kari's body, but he was dating the man's mind inside of it at the time.

"Isn't that your boss?!" He asked after he put it together "Are you fucking your boss?"

"Yes." I said softly. Unable to lie. "But it means nothing. It's just..."

"Is he fucking you at work?" Darius said with a look of disgust that still haunts me "Like, is that what your job is there? Is he pressuring you?"

"It's just that with Ashley--"

"That's illegal Kari"

"I'm not forced to..."

"You need to get going" He said sternly. He didn't yell at me. He could have and he should have but he didn't yell at me. This man was in control at all times and that's one of my favorite things about him. "I need to think about this."

While he thought I sat in the bedroom back at Kari's apartment, wringing my hands waiting for the phone to wring. It took about 12 hours before he called.

"We need to take a break" He said coldly and firmly "I'm not trying to fault you or shame you, but I can't trust you right now. So you need to get your shit in order, and you need to do it by yourself."

I sniffled a goodbye but the second he hung up I cried. For hours. And then I stopped. And then cried some more. Did anyone else on this blog ever mention that estrogen makes crying easier? Because I've been dumped before by women who I'd liked more and dated longer than I've been with Darius but I was reduced to a blubbering mess for awhile.

I'm not over it per se, but writing this has helped. I've immersed myself into other aspects of this life and I'll probably write about them now that I've cracked my writer's block. It's just before midnight on Cinco de Mayo, which apparently Kari's family doesn't celebrate because they aren't from the Pueblo State in Mexico and it's really more of a commercialized holiday here in the States. But is a Thursday and me and Rosita will be going out so maybe I'll update on that.

Until then

-Lane

Lane/Kari: The Last Person to Know

I use this blog partly as a way to tell my story and get feedback from others in a similar situation, and partly to organize my thoughts regarding being in someone else's body and life in a place where they won't seem like gobbledygook to anyone who reads it. (Although I'm sure all of you unaffected by the curse think of this as some sort of very well written work of fiction). Anyway looking back at my writing and the comments it seems most of you were able to put together what I wasn't willing to admit to myself, that I was attracted to Darius.

My last post was a few hours before going out with him, I literally hit "publish" and then went to take a shower. My thoughts from that entry were swimming in my mind, especially the last part. Being in this body is literally a curse, but it's also an opportunity in some ways. In the last 6 months I haven't just learned what it's like to be a woman but also a mother, Latina, and a high school dropout. Sometimes, on VERY rare occasions, I'm a little grateful for the perspective I've gained from the unique situation I've been in. Most people only get one lens to view the world from in their life time, now I've got two. It was this appreciation for experiences that could only be had as Kari that took the evening where it went.

It was an unseasonably warm day, with a high in the 50s, something I was really grateful for after what can be a bitter cold Michigan winter (which has since continued) so that evening I wasn't all bundled up in Kari's faux-fur lined parka but rather a cute little black jacket that paired well with a skirt and a set of leggings. (I am going to miss leggings, there is no male equivalent and they are so much warmer than slacks.) We had driven out to Royal Oak, which is one of the larger suburbs to this cool little bar that had just opened up. This was the weekend before the Super Bowl and I think it might have been the first time in awhile that we were together for non-sports-related reasons.

We sat across from each other, while he drank beers that I suggested while I drank soda. My decision not to drink was probably a clear sign that I was going to go through with this, that I wanted to make the decision sober. We talked about politics, and he was surprised at some of mine since I appear to be a single mother but am in reality an investment banker (We won't go full into details, to avoid alienating the audience). We talked about our childhoods, or rather we talked about his and I made stuff up based on what I pieced together from photos and stories Pilar tells. We talked about work and the weather and anything else, but we just talked. No awkward pauses in the conversation and definite chemistry.

After his third beer I suggested we take a walk, not only because I didn't want HIM to be too drunk but also because the bar was on this nice little main street that Royal Oak has. The snow had partially melted during the day before freezing again when the sun went down. This created a partially dangerous driving condition but it also made for a very pretty sight on all the trees with the streetlights twinkling off the ice. We held our gloved hands together as we looked at all the store windows shut for the night.

He complimented my hair, which was a good move. If I could give you men one piece of advice on how to talk to women that I've learned from my time as one it would be to compliment their hair. Half a dozen guys every day compliment me on my ass, which is amazing but it's a bit crass and very off putting. The ones who try to seem not creepy but are actually still creepy will always compliment my eyes, even when I'm not wearing any makeup and have bags under them, because they read on some pick up artist website that it works like a charm.

I was born with....I mean Kari was born with pretty eyes and a big butt, but the hair takes effort. I had to wash and tease and style for 30 minutes that afternoon to get it to have just the right amount of curls in just the right places. Darius complimenting my hair was basically saying "Your effort paid off". That got me feeling confident enough that when we got to where his car was parked I pulled him down to eye level at kissed him.

"Took you long enough" He said with this confident smirk that is just maddening

"Would you rather I wait a little longer?" I asked coyly with a twirl of the hair that looks equally maddening

"I was just letting you make the first move"

"My car is parked all the way at the other end of the street"

"I could give you a ride down to it"

"Or we could just go back to your place"

Car rides after lines like that are always a bit weird. Like, we both knew there was going to be some physicality but talking about it would break the mood and seatbelts were preventing us from getting an early start. I guess I could have rubbed his thigh or something, but I didn't think of that in the moment. I still don't know all the right things to do as a girl.

We got back to his apartment, which was just as nice as I remembered and he offered a drink but I headed straight to the bedroom with him following eagerly. I took off my skirt, blouse, and parka and climbed on top of his bed in my bra and ran into the one major drawback of leggings, and that's that there is no way to look sexy taking them off, especially if you have thick thighs. I wiggled out of them as gracefully as I could and looked up to see him standing there in just his boxer briefs. I've seen him in a tank top before and I knew he had nice abs and arms, and even when I was a man I knew what a nice looking male aesthetic was, but now it was sending all sorts of signals all over my body. I stared up at him with my legs half open and a look on my face that said "Get inside me now."

Darius had other ideas, initially. The few dozen times I've had sex with Latherman over the last three months it's basically been "lay back and let him do what he wants as quick as possible". Darius, he started with kissing. Not slobbering like a horny animal but kissing me in just the right spots to make my arousal slowly build. I was so wrapped up in it all that I didn't notice when he had gotten my bra and panties off, just that I was soaking wet and the air felt cool between my legs. Darius did a sort of cocky laugh as he moved his head there and went to work. He was right to be confident because in seconds had me squirming and moaning. He somehow could tell when I was close because he stopped with me right on the edge and took his underwear off.

It's taken me awhile to come to terms with how I feel about the male anatomy. Years of kind of looking past them in porn and not paying attention to Latherman's if I could help it gave way to noticing bulges and eventually appreciation. I audibly appreciated Darius' when I let out a little whimper at the sight of it. That was his cue to climb on top of me.

This wasn't my first time having sex as a woman, but it was my first time having sex with a man face to face, or rather face to chest, stomach, or whatever part of his body was at eye level since he moved around a lot. This was a whole new level of intimacy that enhanced the physical feeling. At least we started out in missionary, before I somehow wound up on my hands and knees with my ass in the air. I was too blissed out to complain though, and there is a lot more friction and a good angle in that position. He was getting good and deep when my whole body tensed up and squeezed him tight in waves of pleasure, causing me to hear a "Oh Shit" from behind me as I felt him twitch inside me. He had put on a condom, which was thoughtful of him even though I've been taking Kari's birth control since August.

We both started laughing as we cuddled close. I said something to him, I think, but it was probably unintelligible. There's something about a really good female orgasm that makes you almost drunk for a few minutes afterwards. Darius seemed to tired to care, and fell asleep withing too minutes, but I wont' hold that against him since I knew what a workout it could be for a guy.

****************

I wrote most of that post on Saturday, and stopped in the middle of it because of how much of a slut it made me sound. This afternoon I was reflecting on that word and how it's used. It literally means a woman who has too much sex, as if there is some arbitrary limit on how much sex a woman is allowed to have before it reflects poorly on her.

I also had some sort of internal hangup about just how much sex a man changed into a woman is allowed to have before it reflects poorly on him. Most of the former men on this blog didn't begin having sex regularly or enjoy having sex until it was clear to them that they weren't going to be men ever again. I'm going to be a man again in a few months and I'm going to have to deal with all the weird baggage that memories of those feelings and sensations for the rest of my life, and I knew that going in.

The best part out of all this was re-claiming some sort of sexual independence. It's not that I've been coerced into having sex with Latherman, but I wouldn't do it if there was another way to keep a roof over Ashley's head. Everything about Darius, from the moment I met him, was something I chose. Whatever memories I have of female sexuality won't be from something I don't fully enjoy, but also something that I REALLY enjoyed.

And will probably do again.

Lane/Kari: Having Reservations

It took a few weeks longer than I would have liked, thanks to a higher than anticipated heating bill, but I've got my reservations for the middle of June in room 7 at the Trading Post Inn! Even better, the reservations right before mine are in the name of "Lane Van Hoekstra", meaning that I'll get my real body back, Jennifer will get hers back with little more debt than she had wanted and Kari will stay after me to get back to her own life. I don't know much about the chain after that, just because I didn't have time to organize it completely.

I've read every post on this blog. I know about the best made plans of men-turned-women when the Inn is involved. I know nothing is guaranteed and I'm not taking anything for granted, but all I can think about these past few days is that I'm going to be me again soon and it's starting to affect how I live my life. Kari's life. I need to remember to think of it like that.

There is still five months until I go back, so I can't just sit on the couch until I'm me again, but I'm closer to my return date than I am to my initial visit so it feels kind of downhill. That's begun to weigh on my decisions that I make. I ask myself "Could I do this and not have to be around for the consequences?" as well as "Should I do this even though I'm going to be gone in a few months".

I am so tempted just to eat like a pig. Whatever fast food I want whenever I want. Not to mention the homecooked recipes that Pilar makes. Ashley and I head over there some Sundays for dinner and her homemade tortillas are amazing but they, like most of her food, is basically a fried carb. If I ate that every day I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe for June. I don't particularly want to be fat though, even for a few weeks, and whatever I eat Ashley eats as well for the most part and I wouldn't want to make the childhood obesity epidemic any worse in this country.

The same thing goes for drugs. The other night we were at the bar and someone offered me and Rosita some Molly, and I kinda really just wanted to swallow a pill and ignore all my problems for awhile. Then I remembered that I'd have to deal with the hangover and dehydration as well looking like the world's biggest hypocrite after the speech I just gave Ashley a few weeks ago.

One thing I have started mailing in is work. It has become clear that I could be a bad receptionist or a good receptionist but it wouldn't matter as long as I kept screwing the boss, and yes I'm still doing that no I would not like to talk about it. It's a lot easier to be a bad receptionist than a good one, so I may take extended breaks and let phones ring longer than they should while I'm texting. It's not making me a lot of friends around the office, but the rumors are flying again and the ones that don't hate me for sleeping with Latherman are the ones who want me to screw them as well. Oh well, it's not like there's a lot of promotion possibilities at that company for a girl without her GED.

Speaking of academic achievement, one thing I've kept at was my promise to help Ashley in that regard. She takes the ACT in April and I've bought her test books and prep materials. I've even been helping her with the math portions she struggles with, leading her to wonder where I learned algebra when I couldn't be bothered to help her freshman year. I kept quiet and didn't mention that I knew calculus.

My impending departure is also making me overthink things with Darius. I've said before that I was setting things up with him so that Kari could date a guy like him when she got back. Some of you doubted that that was my long term goal, and the more I think about it the less I think it's doable. Darius never met the real Kari, only me in her body, so he doesn't know what she's like or even if they have anything in common. One of thing things I love about being around him is that I can be me, or at least as much of me as I can be in this body, because I don't a history to live up to. If we switch back and Kari is what, as far as I can tell, her standoffish and rude self, he's going to be in a for a big surprise. He might even get his feelings hurt.

We're going out for drinks this evening, maybe our first time doing something that doesn't revolve around sports, and I'm wondering if I should de-escalate with him. But if I did, I wouldn't have his friendship and that's something I'd really miss over the next few months.

Lane/Kari: Feliz Navidad

HA! Now that song is stuck in your head. I've been trying to avoid Mexican stereotypes these past six months to prevent accidentally defaming a culture I don't really belong to, but I'll be damned if Kari's dad doesn't LOVE that song. I must have heard it two dozen times while I was over there for Christmas.

That's what I've been doing these past few weeks, celebrating the holidays with my temporary family and trying to make the best of it. I know the timing of the absence is a bit troubling, since my last post was all about dealing with the fallout of my rendezvous with Kari's boss, but I assure you all I didn't fall into a black hole of regret and shame and give up on posting in this blog.

Work has been different since I started sleeping with Latherman. I won't say "better" but "easier" would be a good term for it. Not the work itself, answering phones has always been easy, but I'm definitely getting preferential treatment and a lot of slack around the office, much to the chagrin of my co-workers. I feel kinda bad about that, especially since the whispering and gossiping have started back up again. But at the point where I'll be gone in a few months I'm ready just to ignore all that and just coast my way back to Maine.

Speaking of which, reservations for the trading post start back up in a few days and I've got some cash for a deposit, thanks in part to my Christmas bonus. It was 750 dollars, which I'm not sure is high or low for a receptionist. It doesn't even compare to what I got as a bonus from my real job, but I won't go into too much detail about that because I know Wall Street bonuses can be a bit of sore subject.

I was the one who passed out the checks to all the employees at the Christmas party, Latherman had me do it while wearing a ridiculous Santa cap but people were drunk enough that it was far from the most embarrassing thing that happened that evening, although Latherman got pretty sloshed and almost kissed me on the neck in front of everyone else, which I prevented from happening. I think he and Kari's affair is a bit of an "open secret" but to have undeniable confirmation of it would make things at the office complicated. He did have his hand up my skirt for 5 minutes by the copier later, but nobody else saw that.


Christmas

Ashley and I headed over to Kari's parents' house Christmas Eve, the plan being to spend the night there after going to church on Christmas Eve. That left me with the odd task of picking out a "church dress". I knew how to look like a business woman, and I knew how to look like a party girl, but I had to do some searching for something that wouldn't be too scandalous in a place of worship. I finally found a nice green dress that went down past the knees and didn't have too deep of a neckline, although it did have a plunging backline. A nice pair of black nylons and flats and I was able to look like a nice, respectable girl.

Church in and of itself was a bit weird, not in the least because it was at midnight. I'm much of a churchgoer, nobody in my family is. Kari isn't except for Christmas and Easter when she goes with her parents and they ARE churchgoers. I won't go into too much detail because I know religion can be a touch subject, but my take on God the supernatural has changed a bit since being magically changed by a cursed hotel and it was a bit surreal being in a church again.

We got home at about 130 Christmas morning and Ashley and I curled up on the futon near the Christmas tree while I put "Bad Santa" on Netflix. She had never seen it and wondered why her mom had suggested such a raunchy movie, but she laughed anyway. (As well she should, I watch it every year and it's hilarious).

I have nieces and nephews and cousins that are younger than me that live around my parents house, so my entire life Christmas morning has started as soon as those kids wake up. With Ashley being the youngest Cruz in the house and being the age when teenagers sleep forever, Christmas morning didn't start until about 11 when she walked in to the kitchen all groggy to Pilar and I having hot chocolate.

Experiencing someone else's Christmas is an exercise in acting. Imagine the feeling when you get a gift you don't like from someone you do like, and you have to feign happiness to show appreciation, and now imagine having to do that for every gift. I've been a 30 year old woman for half a year now, but I still can't really be excited about clothes, gift cards to stores I don't shop at, perfume, make up, and other beauty products, although I did express gratitude and gave tons of hugs. Ashley got me a gift certificate for 5 free mani/pedis for two people.

"I saw that you haven't gotten your nails done in awhile, so I figured you could take this and go with Aunt Rosita or something."

"Or we could go together" I offered. She smiled. I personally have no interest in sitting and getting my nails done, but part of the reason I don't get them done is because I don't see it as worth the money. Ashely noticed her mother's sacrifice and made a heartfelt gesture, so I figured some bonding time was in order. I'll probably leave them until after the switch back so the real Kari can enjoy time with her daughter.

That thoughtful gift and moment happened before I gave Ashely her main gift though. Me and Pilar had gotten her a bunch of clothes and girly stuff that Kari had been consulted on, but shortly after getting that bonus check I got something else. The bonus wasn't enough to cover my entire trip to Maine but it was more than enough to make a deposit on the rooms to reserve them. There was still a couple hundred dollars left over so I headed to a small electronics shop and picked up a laptop. It's not top of the line or anything but it will work as a Facebook and Instagram machine, which is what she uses it for as well as any school research. She squealed with joy and as she hugged me I was happy too, because this was also a gift for me. I'm typing here on the old laptop that I no longer have to share, and thus not have to worry about a 16 year old stumbling upon something she doesn't need to see or some bizarre search history. Or even worse, letters from Latherman.


New Year's Eve

But the reason I decided to blog today, rather than just give you all the Cruz Family Christmas Letter, was because something...interesting happened on New Year's Eve. Rosita and I got all dolled up and went to one of the bars in in Trenton, which was packed because not only was it one of the biggest bar nights but it was also the day of the college football playoff, and one of the teams had a large local following.

I was wearing a pair of tight black leggings because it was cold with a matching black blouse that combined with my hair and makeup made me look a bit evil...but in a sexy way. I was getting a lot of compliments and free drinks, since MSU wasn't doing to well people started to drink more.

I was about three margarita's in and doing my thing on the dance floor when I heard a familiar voice call out "Kari". I turned around and saw Darius, smiling and nursing a beer. Darius, if you don't remember is the brother of one of Ashley's track teammates and he asked me out for coffee. A while back one of the commenters asked how that went and I never really went into too much detail because ultimately it was just that, coffee. But we've hung out a few times and we text regularly and we've become friends. He doesn't get a lot of air time on this blog because I write here to cope with having to deal with Kari's life and Kari's friends, and Darius is exclusively my friend since he's never actually met the real Kari.

Being glad to see him, I walk/danced my way over to him and gave him a hug. I've learned that girls greet people they like with hugs, and I've started doing it as well because it does feel kinda nice. Although I was tipsy and I may have lingered a bit longer and pressed my boobs a bit. Darius was there with some friends to watch the game and then ring in the new year. I introduced him to Rosita, who remarked out loud out cute he was. He introduced me to his friends, who were a bit amused at Rosita practically throwing herself at them. I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but when Rosita sees a guy in expensive clothing she kind of...nah she's a bit of a gold digger.

As fun as it would have been to join the guys at the bar and talk sports and just hang out, I split my time between their table and the dance floor. What can I say, dancing is fun! I was awkward and weird about it when I was a guy but now I kind of like just going out there and letting loose and the attention can be fun too, as long as you're careful about it. I've gotten better at watching my liquor intake, but it was a special night and when people hand you champagne and you're in the energy it seems like a great idea to take it.

Somewhere around glass 11 or 12 the countdown to midnight started and I was at the bar near Darius when I joined in in the loud shouting of numbers. When 2016 struck people all around were kissing and I was so caught up in the moment I reached up, grabbed his collar, pulled him down and kissed him on the lips. I remember him being shocked, but continuing it. That's about all I remembered before the booze caught up with me.

*******

I woke up the morning of the 1st in a strange bed. A nice, big bed in a well furnished bedroom. I looked down and saw that I was wearing a large sweatshirt that said Wayne State University and a pair of panties, nothing else. I brushed my hair out of my eyes and behind my ears realizing I was really hung over. Heading out of the bedroom I saw I was in Darius' apartment and he was eating cereal on the couch.

I remember thinking "At least it wasn't a stranger" but wasn't exactly relieved. I didn't want to face the consequences of getting drunk and falling into bed with one of my better friends. "Listen, last night---I was drunk and"

Darius was staring at me with a bit of a smirk. "Yeah, you were drunk. That's why I slept on the couch"

My sigh of relief was audible. "So you mean we didn't...you know"

"Kari, you were falling down drunk. You were white girl wasted. I wasn't about to take advantage of that, I'm an enlightened man. Affirmative, enthusiastic consent. That's what it's gotta be. It's 2015."

I nodded in respect at him before correcting him. "2016"

We both laughed at that before I motioned down to my lower body. "So...where are my clothes"

"Folded in the bedroom" He replied "You undressed yourself, but you insisted it was fine if I was in the room. Something about you not having anything I haven't seen before."

Eesh. Drunk me must have forgotten that we weren't both men, and yet she still kissed him. The Inn creates a mindfuck sometimes. "So you saw everything"

"I saw enough" he said in a cool manner that made it seem like he was impressed.

I went back into the bedroom and found my purse and clothes. I got back into my leggings and shirt and fished a rubber band out to make a ponytail. When I returned dressed I addressed the smaller elephant in the room. "I do remember, last night I kissed you."

"I remember that too" he said playfully

"Right, and while I won't say it was only the booze talking I do have to reiterate what I said before-"

"About taking it slow?" He offered. He has a way of finishing my sentences, I think that's why we get along so well

"Right, it's just I've got to get some things in order in mine and Ashley's life before I over complicate things"

"I understand completely. Whatever speed is fine for you."

"Thank you" I say, truly grateful that he was so understanding.

I took an Uber home, he actually doesn't live to far from us...in the next city over. As I watched the scenery go by I mulled over what an upstanding guy he was. A lot of guys I know would have slept with a girl as drunk as I was and acted like it was totally fine. Honestly, if I play this right and the real Kari winds up with him I'm doing her a serious favor.

Lane/Kari: Achievements

I'm kind of hesitant about posting this entry, because It's pretty private and I'm a little embarrassed about it, even though it isn't really anything to be embarrassed about. I've decided to go ahead and share because similar posts from previous inn-victims were helpful to me, and if anything these posts could be useful for any future men who find themselves as women.

We need to begin in late September, when I was able to get off work early and go to one of Ashley's cross country meets. Most meets are either around local high schools or a course through various parks near to the high school, and whenever Ashley was running in one that was in reasonable driving distance, I made an effort to make it. Cross country isn't exactly the most attended sport, and women's athletics in general don't get the attention that they deserve so most of the people watching around the race-course tend to be family and friends of the runners and I didn't want Ashley to be one of the only kids there with no one to support her, so I would let the office phone go to voicemail and duck out around 4 pm to make it there.

So there I was in some park in nearby Warren standing on the side of the race-course with a cup of gatorade to hand Ashley as she ran by when one of the other spectators decided to chat me up. He was tall, I think, since most men are tall compared to me now, well built, and had one of those strong faces that made it so that he could pull off being bald without looking dumb or creepy.

"Which school are you here for?" He asked casually (Cross country meets have all the schools in the conference running against each other at the same time.

"Trenton-Ford" I say, noticing that he was wearing a sweat shirt with the school's logo on it

"Oh yeah?" He sounded surprised "You didn't go there did you, I would have remembered going to high school with you, you'd stand out"

"No, I went to Eastpointe" I say, glad that I had had the foresight to look at Kari's yearbook that one time "So who are you here for, or are you just a big supporter of your Alma Mater?"

"Keisha Powers" he said proudly naming one of the better runners on the team "She's my little sister. How about you?"

"Ashley Cruz" I tell him as some runners ran by, one of them taking my gatorade.

"Oh the new girl" he says, clearly a close follower of the team "Is she your sister, cousin,?"

"Daughter" I said. I poured another paper cup of gatorade during the pause. It was a pause I was used to getting. Ashley is 30 years old and looks younger than that. Every time I tell someone, especially men, that I've got a teenage daughter there's usually a pause while they do the mental math. Its often followed by a judgmental look for a polite "oh" as they realize that Kari was a really young teenage mother. Neither came from this guy, which was refreshing.

"I'm Darius, by the way" he said as he extended his seemingly giant hand

"Kari" I replied with a smile.

"How long has she been running" he asked

"About six weeks. I told her she needed an activity so she chose this one."

"Smart move" he nodded "I was a runner too, its great discipline and exercise. Were you a runner back in high school?"

"Nope, I was more into baseball" I said without thinking because another runner had snatched the gatorade "I like watching it" I corrected when he was wondering how a girl had made the baseball team.

This led to a casual chat about the Tigers and various other things peppered with compliments on my looks, and a few about my personality. He laughed at things that I said, even a few that weren't very funny. It was clear he was flirting, I deal with flirting on a daily basis. Every man that comes into the office spends a few seconds smiling and trying to either compliment me or impress me. I've also been out to clubs and bars as a single woman, as well as spent a couple of decades as a man.

The thing is, unlike most of the time when it's annoying, I didn't mind it from Darius. Perhaps because he was good at it. He casually talked himself and complimented me while seeming truly interested. I didn't hurt that he was cute and my body is full of hormones that recognized that.

Eventually Ashley passed by with some of the last runners and we moved to the finish line. He stayed and chatted the entire time despite Keisha finishing way earlier.

************************

Fast forward to Monday evening when I was picking up some of Ashley's school papers I came across a flier that was information for the Fall Sports awards banquet, and apparently Ashley was getting an award. This came as a surprise to me, because despite never missing practice and trying her hardest...Ashley isn't exactly good at cross country. I don't think she finished better than fourth-from-last once the entire season. The bigger surprise was that it was that coming Saturday and this was the first I'd heard of it.

"Did you know you're awards banquet is Saturday?" I asked as I placed the flier down in front of her

"Oh yeah" she shrugged barely looking up from her phone

"So we're you going to tell me so I could prepare for it?" I said, realizing just how much of a mom I could sound like sometimes

"It's on a Saturday" she said "You usually go out with Aunt Rosita on Saturdays. It's not a big deal"

"It kinda is" I said encouragingly "You're getting an award!"

"Most improved or something like that" she explained "It's not a real award"

"Yes it is" I affirmed "Your coaches and teammates saw how much you tried and felt that it deserved a reward. You'd be insulting them if we didn't show up to accept it."

"So you really wanna go?" She asked surprised

"Of course" I exclaimed, simultaneously proud of her and a little sad that she had such low expectations from her mother.

"Can Dad come?" She added

This brings us back to the end of my last post. Kari called me back a couple of days later, she never picks up when I call. I don't know if its because she doesn't want to "break character" on the fly or if her new job is really busy but usually I text or call and get a call back.

"What's the deal with Ashley's dad?" I asked carefully

"Oh God, what does he want?" came the response

"Nothing" I said worried "I ran into him at a party and I wanted to know if there was anything wrong with him, like should he be kept away from Ashley"

"He's an asshole and a loser" she spat

"But like, does he use drugs or crime or anything terrible. Should I tell Ashley not to be around him?" I repeated

"If you want to deal with his bullshit, that's on you" she said "But don't get his hopes up for when I'm back. I gotta go, don't call me unless it's really important"

That last part was a bit troubling, because you'd think someone would more than happy to help their old self, but I'll worry about that later. My take from the whole thing is that Darrin isn't really a BAD guy per se, Kari just doesn't like him. I can understand why, he did get her pregnant at a young age and derailed her entire life and never stepped up as a parent leaving her to do it by herself. It's an understandable level of hurt but I personally don't have anything against that guy and he does still talk to his daughter on a regular basis. Besides, it isn't really about what I wanted or what Kari wanted. Ashley ran probably more than 100 miles this year and if she wants her dad to see her get an award for it, she can have it.

So Saturday night shows up and I'm wearing a blue dress that is pretty modest for being in Kari's closet and Ashley got a new green one because I let her use the credit card because I was a couple months ahead on it. The awards banquet was held in the school cafeteria and all the guests were seated at tables facing a stage that had been set up along one of the walls. There were about two or three families per table depending on how many people were in each party.

Ashley had strategically sat between me and Darrin, despite my acquiescence to him coming she was still on eggshells a bit, lord knows what kind of fights she'd seen growing up. Sitting at the same table was us was Keisha Powers and her family, a middle aged couple who were her parents and her extra supportive older brother, Darius, who was seated to my left.

I was glad for that initially, since we had some stuff in common and I knew that he could carry a conversation it would be good to have someone to chat with quietly during the ceremony because these things can drag on a bit, especially the parts that aren't about your kid's sport. Darius, as he did last time, began casually flirting and like last time I didn't react negatively in fact I took it a step further.

I flirted back.

Its not like I was TRYING to, but I definitely wasn't trying not to. Little things like giggling, lightly touching his forearm, at one point I leaned my head on my hand and cocked it toward him, smiling uncontrollably. What's strange is that the whole time I knew what I was doing but didn't care. In my alcohol infused nights-out with Rosita I found myself doing similar things due to lower inhibitions but there was no booze that night. I was flirting with a guy that despite every objection from my heterosexual male brain, my heterosexual female body found quite attractive. I think Darrin could tell because he was visibly uncomfortable watching his ex flirt with another guy in such close proximity.

Darius could tell too, as the night went on he kept getting this look of confident self-satisfaction. Finally Keisha got her MVP award and Ashley got her Most Improved Player award and after dozens of photos that Ashely was blushing in we headed home. In the car Ashley and I got to talking, which is where we do a lot of talking, just us in an enclosed space, and she asked me. "Do you like Keisha's brother?"

Was I that obvious. "He's very nice, we had a lot in common"

"Yeah, because you're TOTALLY into baseball" she said sarcastically "Just don't do anything to make it awkward for me, like you did with Paula's dad. Or Mr. Bennent"

I made a mental note to find out those two men were, but assumed they were guys Kari had dated who had kids Ashley's age.

When we got home I went to the bedroom and locked the door tight. I knew what I needed to do. I became Kari in mid-June, and it was November. That's five months. In five months I'd never...explored. I'm not naive enough to think that girls don't do that, or that I was still so uncomfortable in my body that I was afraid of that area, heck I figured out tampons relatively easily. I'd touched, and occasionally stroked but always chickened out shortly after the first tingling of pleasure came. Either out of guilt or the fact that Ashely was usually a couple rooms away.

I knew I couldn't put it off any longer though. My behavior that night was caused by a built up stream of female horniness that hadn't been taken care of in at least 5 months. I can't imagine going that long as a man, but as a woman the signs are less evident and glaring. Checking once again that the bedroom door was locked I took off my dress and laid back on the bed. Maybe I hadn't fully committed to finishing that time but after enough over the panties rubbing I was a woman possessed. It was like my brain was making all these unknown connections to very sensitive nerve endings and all I could do was keep going because I wanted...I needed more.

After getting as close as I could get with my fingers I opened up the bottom dresser drawer and pulled out "The Intimidator". That's the nickname I gave to that thing when I first found it. It's way bigger and wider than I was in my old body and it looks even bigger from the perspective of this one. Luckily the batteries still worked.

I don't know how to adequately describe how different it felt other than...full? Like the sensations are similar, they're just coming from entirely different places, and they take a whole lot longer to get there but they last a lot longer. The strangest part was all the involuntary movement. Not just the contracting of muscles I didn't usually have, but also the arching of the back and the grinding of the hips. The weirdest was the moaning. I knew Ashley was in the next room and I was trying to be quiet but as I got closer and closer I got louder and louder until I finally had to hold a pillow over my face.

Finally it was over, but not in an instant. All the slow buildup came with a slow come down, and I just lay there breathing heavily with the soft hum in between my legs. I remembered to put it away before climbing into bed and sleeping the soundest sleep I could remember since becoming Kari.

I woke up refreshed, and have been that way since. I'm still a little embarrassed about it, it was hard to write this without blushing a little bit. I feel like a 13 year old girl writing in her diary after she discovers herself. I don't regret doing it though, it's good to know that I can relieve stress like that. I do regret waiting this long to try.