Lane/Kari: Achievements

I'm kind of hesitant about posting this entry, because It's pretty private and I'm a little embarrassed about it, even though it isn't really anything to be embarrassed about. I've decided to go ahead and share because similar posts from previous inn-victims were helpful to me, and if anything these posts could be useful for any future men who find themselves as women.

We need to begin in late September, when I was able to get off work early and go to one of Ashley's cross country meets. Most meets are either around local high schools or a course through various parks near to the high school, and whenever Ashley was running in one that was in reasonable driving distance, I made an effort to make it. Cross country isn't exactly the most attended sport, and women's athletics in general don't get the attention that they deserve so most of the people watching around the race-course tend to be family and friends of the runners and I didn't want Ashley to be one of the only kids there with no one to support her, so I would let the office phone go to voicemail and duck out around 4 pm to make it there.

So there I was in some park in nearby Warren standing on the side of the race-course with a cup of gatorade to hand Ashley as she ran by when one of the other spectators decided to chat me up. He was tall, I think, since most men are tall compared to me now, well built, and had one of those strong faces that made it so that he could pull off being bald without looking dumb or creepy.

"Which school are you here for?" He asked casually (Cross country meets have all the schools in the conference running against each other at the same time.

"Trenton-Ford" I say, noticing that he was wearing a sweat shirt with the school's logo on it

"Oh yeah?" He sounded surprised "You didn't go there did you, I would have remembered going to high school with you, you'd stand out"

"No, I went to Eastpointe" I say, glad that I had had the foresight to look at Kari's yearbook that one time "So who are you here for, or are you just a big supporter of your Alma Mater?"

"Keisha Powers" he said proudly naming one of the better runners on the team "She's my little sister. How about you?"

"Ashley Cruz" I tell him as some runners ran by, one of them taking my gatorade.

"Oh the new girl" he says, clearly a close follower of the team "Is she your sister, cousin,?"

"Daughter" I said. I poured another paper cup of gatorade during the pause. It was a pause I was used to getting. Ashley is 30 years old and looks younger than that. Every time I tell someone, especially men, that I've got a teenage daughter there's usually a pause while they do the mental math. Its often followed by a judgmental look for a polite "oh" as they realize that Kari was a really young teenage mother. Neither came from this guy, which was refreshing.

"I'm Darius, by the way" he said as he extended his seemingly giant hand

"Kari" I replied with a smile.

"How long has she been running" he asked

"About six weeks. I told her she needed an activity so she chose this one."

"Smart move" he nodded "I was a runner too, its great discipline and exercise. Were you a runner back in high school?"

"Nope, I was more into baseball" I said without thinking because another runner had snatched the gatorade "I like watching it" I corrected when he was wondering how a girl had made the baseball team.

This led to a casual chat about the Tigers and various other things peppered with compliments on my looks, and a few about my personality. He laughed at things that I said, even a few that weren't very funny. It was clear he was flirting, I deal with flirting on a daily basis. Every man that comes into the office spends a few seconds smiling and trying to either compliment me or impress me. I've also been out to clubs and bars as a single woman, as well as spent a couple of decades as a man.

The thing is, unlike most of the time when it's annoying, I didn't mind it from Darius. Perhaps because he was good at it. He casually talked himself and complimented me while seeming truly interested. I didn't hurt that he was cute and my body is full of hormones that recognized that.

Eventually Ashley passed by with some of the last runners and we moved to the finish line. He stayed and chatted the entire time despite Keisha finishing way earlier.

************************

Fast forward to Monday evening when I was picking up some of Ashley's school papers I came across a flier that was information for the Fall Sports awards banquet, and apparently Ashley was getting an award. This came as a surprise to me, because despite never missing practice and trying her hardest...Ashley isn't exactly good at cross country. I don't think she finished better than fourth-from-last once the entire season. The bigger surprise was that it was that coming Saturday and this was the first I'd heard of it.

"Did you know you're awards banquet is Saturday?" I asked as I placed the flier down in front of her

"Oh yeah" she shrugged barely looking up from her phone

"So we're you going to tell me so I could prepare for it?" I said, realizing just how much of a mom I could sound like sometimes

"It's on a Saturday" she said "You usually go out with Aunt Rosita on Saturdays. It's not a big deal"

"It kinda is" I said encouragingly "You're getting an award!"

"Most improved or something like that" she explained "It's not a real award"

"Yes it is" I affirmed "Your coaches and teammates saw how much you tried and felt that it deserved a reward. You'd be insulting them if we didn't show up to accept it."

"So you really wanna go?" She asked surprised

"Of course" I exclaimed, simultaneously proud of her and a little sad that she had such low expectations from her mother.

"Can Dad come?" She added

This brings us back to the end of my last post. Kari called me back a couple of days later, she never picks up when I call. I don't know if its because she doesn't want to "break character" on the fly or if her new job is really busy but usually I text or call and get a call back.

"What's the deal with Ashley's dad?" I asked carefully

"Oh God, what does he want?" came the response

"Nothing" I said worried "I ran into him at a party and I wanted to know if there was anything wrong with him, like should he be kept away from Ashley"

"He's an asshole and a loser" she spat

"But like, does he use drugs or crime or anything terrible. Should I tell Ashley not to be around him?" I repeated

"If you want to deal with his bullshit, that's on you" she said "But don't get his hopes up for when I'm back. I gotta go, don't call me unless it's really important"

That last part was a bit troubling, because you'd think someone would more than happy to help their old self, but I'll worry about that later. My take from the whole thing is that Darrin isn't really a BAD guy per se, Kari just doesn't like him. I can understand why, he did get her pregnant at a young age and derailed her entire life and never stepped up as a parent leaving her to do it by herself. It's an understandable level of hurt but I personally don't have anything against that guy and he does still talk to his daughter on a regular basis. Besides, it isn't really about what I wanted or what Kari wanted. Ashley ran probably more than 100 miles this year and if she wants her dad to see her get an award for it, she can have it.

So Saturday night shows up and I'm wearing a blue dress that is pretty modest for being in Kari's closet and Ashley got a new green one because I let her use the credit card because I was a couple months ahead on it. The awards banquet was held in the school cafeteria and all the guests were seated at tables facing a stage that had been set up along one of the walls. There were about two or three families per table depending on how many people were in each party.

Ashley had strategically sat between me and Darrin, despite my acquiescence to him coming she was still on eggshells a bit, lord knows what kind of fights she'd seen growing up. Sitting at the same table was us was Keisha Powers and her family, a middle aged couple who were her parents and her extra supportive older brother, Darius, who was seated to my left.

I was glad for that initially, since we had some stuff in common and I knew that he could carry a conversation it would be good to have someone to chat with quietly during the ceremony because these things can drag on a bit, especially the parts that aren't about your kid's sport. Darius, as he did last time, began casually flirting and like last time I didn't react negatively in fact I took it a step further.

I flirted back.

Its not like I was TRYING to, but I definitely wasn't trying not to. Little things like giggling, lightly touching his forearm, at one point I leaned my head on my hand and cocked it toward him, smiling uncontrollably. What's strange is that the whole time I knew what I was doing but didn't care. In my alcohol infused nights-out with Rosita I found myself doing similar things due to lower inhibitions but there was no booze that night. I was flirting with a guy that despite every objection from my heterosexual male brain, my heterosexual female body found quite attractive. I think Darrin could tell because he was visibly uncomfortable watching his ex flirt with another guy in such close proximity.

Darius could tell too, as the night went on he kept getting this look of confident self-satisfaction. Finally Keisha got her MVP award and Ashley got her Most Improved Player award and after dozens of photos that Ashely was blushing in we headed home. In the car Ashley and I got to talking, which is where we do a lot of talking, just us in an enclosed space, and she asked me. "Do you like Keisha's brother?"

Was I that obvious. "He's very nice, we had a lot in common"

"Yeah, because you're TOTALLY into baseball" she said sarcastically "Just don't do anything to make it awkward for me, like you did with Paula's dad. Or Mr. Bennent"

I made a mental note to find out those two men were, but assumed they were guys Kari had dated who had kids Ashley's age.

When we got home I went to the bedroom and locked the door tight. I knew what I needed to do. I became Kari in mid-June, and it was November. That's five months. In five months I'd never...explored. I'm not naive enough to think that girls don't do that, or that I was still so uncomfortable in my body that I was afraid of that area, heck I figured out tampons relatively easily. I'd touched, and occasionally stroked but always chickened out shortly after the first tingling of pleasure came. Either out of guilt or the fact that Ashely was usually a couple rooms away.

I knew I couldn't put it off any longer though. My behavior that night was caused by a built up stream of female horniness that hadn't been taken care of in at least 5 months. I can't imagine going that long as a man, but as a woman the signs are less evident and glaring. Checking once again that the bedroom door was locked I took off my dress and laid back on the bed. Maybe I hadn't fully committed to finishing that time but after enough over the panties rubbing I was a woman possessed. It was like my brain was making all these unknown connections to very sensitive nerve endings and all I could do was keep going because I wanted...I needed more.

After getting as close as I could get with my fingers I opened up the bottom dresser drawer and pulled out "The Intimidator". That's the nickname I gave to that thing when I first found it. It's way bigger and wider than I was in my old body and it looks even bigger from the perspective of this one. Luckily the batteries still worked.

I don't know how to adequately describe how different it felt other than...full? Like the sensations are similar, they're just coming from entirely different places, and they take a whole lot longer to get there but they last a lot longer. The strangest part was all the involuntary movement. Not just the contracting of muscles I didn't usually have, but also the arching of the back and the grinding of the hips. The weirdest was the moaning. I knew Ashley was in the next room and I was trying to be quiet but as I got closer and closer I got louder and louder until I finally had to hold a pillow over my face.

Finally it was over, but not in an instant. All the slow buildup came with a slow come down, and I just lay there breathing heavily with the soft hum in between my legs. I remembered to put it away before climbing into bed and sleeping the soundest sleep I could remember since becoming Kari.

I woke up refreshed, and have been that way since. I'm still a little embarrassed about it, it was hard to write this without blushing a little bit. I feel like a 13 year old girl writing in her diary after she discovers herself. I don't regret doing it though, it's good to know that I can relieve stress like that. I do regret waiting this long to try.

Lane/Kari: Two Holidays, Two Surprises

In my free time, which is a lot less abundant than I'd like it to be, I read the archives of this blog. There are a ridiculous amount of posts spanning almost 10 years. Most of them are day to day diaries and of little useful information to me, but it's still the most concise volume of data on people who have been magically transformed into someone else that exists (Although apparently Arthur/Liz/Penny has capitalized on the idea and turned it into a semi-recognizable book series). I'm somewhere in the middle of 2010 but there seems to be a constant among every author who had their gender changed: a Halloween entry.

It makes sense really, Holidays are notable times and slightly different in everyone's lives. Some people didn't turn into Christmas celebrating people and there are a disproportionate amount of Canadians to make the Thanksgivings not match up. Either way, those Holidays are or can be mostly the same if you're a man and a woman. Halloween, for grownups at least these days, isn't. There are half a dozen posts here about men who used to ogle women's sexy costumes now finding themselves squeeze into sexy costumes and blogging about the experience.

I'm not going to get too much into it, since in a way I kind of already did. I'm actually glad Kari made me dress up and go out drinking with her friends. For some women putting on ultra revealing clothing and being objectified is a once a year holiday, for Kari it's Saturday.

I resigned to the fact that whatever plan's Rosita had made for us, she wasn't going to let me out of the house without anything below my mid thigh. So I let her pick out my costume. She showed up around 6 right after Ashley left for her party dressed like Little Red Riding hood wearing a knee length skirt (You can argue whether or not revealing costumes are demeaning on empowering all you want, she's 16 so I wasn't going to let her out in a pair of short shorts like she had planned). Rosita had decided that for Halloween that I would be a Cheetah and she would be a leopard. This costume consisted of a pair of skin tight cheetah print leggings that were surprisingly warm but I had to keep pulling out of my asscrack before I realized that was how they were supposed to fit, a cheetah print cami that required a strapless bra and constant vigilance to keep my boobs popping out the top and my stomach popping out the bottom. Add in a store bought pair of cat ears and some whisker makeup and RAWR, I was a cheetah.

I let Rosita do the driving because we didn't head into the city, just another part of Trenton. Apparently we were going to a house party hosted by some of their friends from high school. I was less than enthusiastic about this, and not only because it meant I'd be surrounded by people who had known Kari for a long time.

You never realize how lame high school parties were until you go to college. Then usually around Thanksgiving of your freshman year you comeback home and realize that partying with friends from high school who didn't go to college is still pretty lame. I grew up in central New Jersey and left to go to college up at Syracuse. When I came back some of my high school friends had a get together and...it just seemed as if I had passed them by. I know that sounds snobby and stuck up of me, especially considering the fact that our college parties weren't very sophisticated, it was just that I'd grown apart from them. That's true today, I talk to maybe 3 people from high school and most of my friends I know from college or work. So regardless of the fact that I was living the life of a dropout, this was the kind of party I avoided when I went back to visit my real parents. Except instead everyone is in their late 20s at least.

Aaron and Monica were the couple hosting the party, apparently they were one of those rare high school couples that stuck together. When we pulled up and walked to the door I was greeted with a "Oh My God, Kari! I didn't know you were coming I haven't seen you in so long" followed by a girl greeting hug that I'm starting to get used to. As we were handed cups for the keg Monica pulled me aside and said "Really, I am glad you're here but we didn't know you we're coming and Darrin is here, I thought I should give you fair warning." So right off the bat I was confronted by someone or some event from Kari's past that I had no clue about it so I just "There won't be any problem" calmly "I don't have any issues with him." Which was true. I didn't.

So we had a few beers, caught up with old friends. I BSed my way through things mostly because none of these people had seen Kari in months so conversations were of the catch-up variety. I told them about work, about Ashely, about the fun things me and Rosita did on weekends, it seemed to work on an inebriated crowd. I made a point to tell every woman I spoke to that she looked great, even though in a lot of cases it wasn't true. I've got a fat ass but this body looks pretty nice for one that's had a kid, age and a partying lifestyle haven't been kind to some of Kari's classmates. There were a lot of reminiscing stories about school, loud singing to songs on the sound system (People in this town sure do love Kid Rock), and a few guys tried to flirt with me. One guy kept telling me about he got a job working for GM, which is actually a pretty good paying job with benefits, but it also wasn't going to work on a girl who was very male on the inside.

Slightly after midnight after the crowd had dwindled down I headed into the kitchen where the keg was to get a refill when I surprised the other person who was there. He was dressed like a Michigan football player with a slightly receding hairline and a beer gut pushing out his number 20 jersey. He was dead silent when he saw me so I gave him a quick "Hey".

"Hey" he said back with a nervous tone "I wasn't told you were going to be here" he said almost apologetically that made me realize that this was Darrin.

Feeling nice and buzzed and nowhere near up to feigning whatever drama might exist between him and Kari I made the small talk but let him do most of the talking, letting him tell me about how he moved out of his parents house and was working at a convenient store. After a few minutes I said "Cool" and headed out with my beer.

When the night was over both me and Rosita were plastered but I was able to talk her out of driving and we hitched a ride home with their very nice and very cool friend Ali who didn't drink at all and had a van. I made it to the bedroom this time, but didn't bother changing out of my costume witch resulted in another Sunday morning wakeup from Ashley holding a hangover cure and a slightly justified pointing out of how it was a bit hypocritical for me to criticize her costume considering mine.

********************************

I was at work Monday morning when I got a phone call. Technically as the receptionist I get all the phone calls but this one was a very stern sounding man asking for Ms. Karina Cruz. Full name meant it wasn't a friend so I switched from "Friendly receptionist voice" to "Serious business voice" and said "This is she" still having to remember to use the correct pronoun.

"Ms. Cruz this is the Attendance Office at Gerald Ford High School, we're calling because Ashely isn't in class today"

Now, what I did was questionable parenting but I had my logic. "Oh, I'm sorry. She wasn't feeling well so she stayed home. I must have forgotten to call."

"That's alright Ms. Cruz, we'll mark her as excused absent and she can make up her work when she gets back. I hope she's feeling better soon."

Now, the reason I let her get away with it is because in the likely event that Ashely had decided to play hooky, an unexcused absence would have led to missed assignments and her grades are improving. I could deal with the hooky on my own. In the event that she WAS in trouble or missing I would have called the cops and had to deal with way bigger things than an attendance office.

That was a grim thought but it did cross my mind as I pulled out the cell phone and called Ashely. Thankfully she answered after the first ring.

"Where are you?" I asked sounding relieved

"I'm at Abuela's. She picked me up and we're cooking. What time are you coming over tonight after work?" Her tone was as if I should have expected her to be off school and then it hit me.

November 2nd. Dia de Los Muertos, or Day of the Dead to those of you that never took high school Spanish. A bit of a big deal in Mexico. I didn't realize it was coming up since I wasn't raised Mexican and when I was younger it wasn't a day that the Latino kids took off school anyway. My thinking is that Ashley doesn't like going to school so a day off spent with her grandmother learning about her cultural heritage was fine by me.

My issue was that meant I would have to bite the bullet and meet Kari's parents. I can manage my way through interacting with her co-workers and Rosita is usually not lucid long enough to notice a difference when we go out, but her family is another story. Ashley can tell that something is different, she's almost as said as much a couple of times, but she's a brooding teenager and feigns apathy even if she doesn't have it. Parents should be able to tell, my hope was that the Inn's voodoo would prevent them from thinking too much about it. Either way I did a little Facebook digging the rest of the day to figure out her parents' names and address.

I'm actually surprised it took me almost 5 months to meet or speak to the parents, since Eduardo and Pilar Cruz live in Trenton, albeit across town. I stopped by Kari's place on the way there, since the low cut top and short skirt I had worn to work didn't seem like they were a good way to honor Kari's dead ancestors. I walked up to the well kept house in a working class neighborhood and rang the doorbell. A short bald man with a thick gray mustache gave me a confused look and then a great big hug.

"Why did you ring the doorbell, Mija?" He asked "Did you lose your key?"

I had thought that Kari may or may not have had access to the house she grew up in, but it still feels weird walking into places that are unfamiliar, even if they aren't supposed to be.

"Left it at home" I say giving him a tight hug back and following him inside.

"Your mama and Ashley are in the kitchen" he said, and I just followed my nose to find Ashley and a short, slightly overweight woman in her earl 50s with a bit of gray in her hair sitting around the table drinking hot chocolate and talking. Once I was spotted another hug ensued. I don't know if being a girl means you get hugged more or if its just a feature of Kari's live, but my boobs are squeezing into another person at least twice a day.

It turns out Dia de Los Muertos isn't a solemn ritual in the Cruz casa but rather a cultural tradition and a reason to have a family dinner. Ashley and Pilar had made and painted sugar skulls, which contrary to my thinking you do not eat because 1. They're for the spirits of the dead and 2. They do not taste very good. They also had set up an ofrenda which is a little altar with photos of their dead relatives and candles in front of them. I went ahead and lit one for Kari's dead grandmother. I don't know if I was supposed to say a prayer or not, but thinking about religion these days is a bit weird for me.

Then we had dinner. And the food...wow. Pilar is an amazing cook. If I ate her cooking every day with this new body and metabolism I'd gain 50 lbs by the time I went back to Maine. It wasn't Mexican food like most people think of, that's really Tex-Mex. This was authentic stuff. Tamales, Tortilla Soup, Flautas which are like Taquitos but somehow even better, delicious cheesy beans and rice, and these amazing pork tips called carnitas.

Dinner was like most family dinners, but it seemed like there was less drama. I don't come from an unhappy home or anything but the Van Hoekstra's aren't the biggest huggers and there's always some underlying tension at Thanksgiving or Christmas. If I had had a kid when I was 14 years old, there would be judgement and snide remarks for the rest of my life. Nothing doing here. Pilar and Eduardo seemed overjoyed that their daughter and granddaughter were there for dinner. I was actually grateful Ashley was there too, because since she didn't speak Spanish that meant English around the dinner table and I didn't have to explain my sudden monolingual-ism .

So yeah, surprise holiday which turned out to be great. But my title says two surprises and the second one came on the way home.

Loaded up with leftover Ashley and I were making casual mother daughter small talk when she hits me with.

"Dad says you saw him at the party Saturday and didn't even yell at him."

Yep.

Darrin Ellis, the balding convenience store clerk dressed like a football player? That's Ashley's dad. That explains the Anglo first name as well as the fact that despite being in the sun all day she's not as tan as I am. I knew she must have had a father, somewhere in the world, but I wasn't in a big hurry to track him down. He never called, visited, or you know, sent a child support check, but it turns out he's here in town. I was the teensiest bit relieved because I had this strange paranoia in the back of my mind that even though the date's and ages don't match up AT ALL that Latherman might actually be her father.

"Yeah, he was there" I say casually "I wasn't in the mood for a fight so we said a few words and left it like that"

"Does that mean he and I can do things more?" she asked with a hint of hope that made my heart almost melt.

But I knew this was shaky ground. I'm not the kind of person to keep a man from seeing his kids for no reason, but I don't know if there is a reason or not. I don't know if Kari keeps him away out of spite or if he has drinking or drug issues or is violent or is a criminal or what.

"We'll see" I say, repeating the line that as a teenager had driven me insane so many times. But I meant it. I'm going to have to find out more about this situation.

-Lane