The cafe is doing OK. We've settled into a rhythm and the awkwardness of not knowing who our regulars were, and having to improvise has lessened as we got to know them all. We've managed to find our groove with it. It is very strange to suddenly be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. I don't think I knew any gay people, and certainly no trans people before. We're from the mid-west and it's pretty conservative. There is a gay community in Indy, but I've never had anything to do with it. I grew up in quite a conservative household, and the word "gay" was used as a slur when I was growing up. Suddenly being a part of this community has been a shock, but also very eye-opening. The people we meet at the cafe, are mostly very nice, and we have met with Chris and Sylvia's friends on occasion, who are almost all from this community, and it's all been surprisingly "normal". I don't know what I expected, and I'm sure that I had some preconceptions about the LGBTQ+ community, which I put down mostly to ignorance, but after getting used to the idea, I feel surprisingly comfortable around them. Most surprising is that I often feel more comfortable around them, than I do around straight, cis people. I think that probably has to do with occupying this body. I'm always worried about whether I'm "passing" as a man, and it's something I don't have to worry about when I'm with this community. Whether I like it or not, the body I'm in, is transgender and right now, this is my community.
The cafe is a meeting point for this community, and it's actually quite rewarding to be able to provide this service to people - give them somewhere to meet and to feel safe. The only awkward thing is that Sylvia and Chris apparently indulge in occasional displays of affection, which is something we obviously didn't do at all. There were a few comments from regular customers who noticed and made comments. Some even thought that we had broken up, or were about to. So recently we've added small things, like some casual arm touching, and occasionally a quick kiss on the cheek. Just enough to stop people from commenting, without making it too uncomfortable for us.
I have a confession to make, though. I was in denial at first, but after a while, I realised that I was looking forward to these displays of affection, which in turn made me realise that I was starting to develop feeling that go beyond friendship towards Shane. He's my best friend, but now he's in the body of an attractive young woman, and looking more and more comfortable in that body...and I see him almost all day, every day. I can't act on this though, because our friendship is not worth ruining over this, a temporary situation. I also don't even really know how sex would work. I've never had sex before where there wasn't a penis involved...and it was always just my penis. Now that it's not there, I wouldn't know where to begin. I guess those strap ons and dildos we found in the luggage and at home would be involved, but I don't really know how. I also don't think I would want anyone touching me down there. I'm still very self conscious about it and I try to avoid it as much as I can as well. I really only touch it if absolutely necessary, after peeing or when I'm washing in the shower.
Sometimes I look at Shane and think he's giving me a flirtatious smile or wink, or I think he's into it a bit more than necessary, when we have one of those displays of affection in the cafe. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but from what I've read in the blog, it looks like the body you get comes with its preferences, and Sylvia's body must have been attracted to Chris' body - they were a couple, after all. Chris's body definitely finds Sylvia's body attractive, even though she wouldn't be exactly my type if I was still Dave.
We spend a lot of time together - more than we ever did before, but of course, we weren't working or living together then. But even so, we go out to dinner sometimes or the cinema, and if we ever go out with Chris and Sylvia's friends, we go as a couple. A lot of the time, it almost feels like dating....only almost though...
Shane really followed through with the dressing and acting like a woman. He only wore skirts and dresses, and made an effort with his hair, make-up and jewellery when he went out, although at home, he still dressed casually in leggings or shorts. So after several weeks, when he went to the cafe to work on one of my days off, wearing jeans and no make-up, I definitely noticed. I asked him about it at dinner that night. "Oh...I told you I wanted to get comfortable being a woman", he explained. "Yesterday, I shaved my legs, got dressed and did my make-up without even thinking about it. Then, when I was out, it didn't bother me to show my legs, and I wasn't worried about my skirt flying up, I barely notice my bra and I automatically cross my legs when I sit down. I'm pretty much used to how tights and nylons feel, and I just do my make-up without thinking about it too much. It's become routine and I'm actually amazed at how quickly this became normal. In fact, it kinda felt like I was missing something when I didn't put any make-up on and left the earrings at home. It also felt strange to wear jeans again after only wearing dresses and skirts for a few weeks. So now I'm just going to mix it up and wear whatever's appropriate. Like regular women do."
So that's what he's done now. Sometimes he wears jeans or leggings, other times dresses or skirts. He doesn't always wear make-up and really looks and acts like a real woman now....which my body just seems to react to even more.
Oh boy...
1 comment:
Catching up on this... interesting developments, you capture them well!
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