Even though the birthday on Krystle's driver's license isn't for another couple of months, we had the usual party celebrating her real birthday last week, and I'm not going to lie, this period tends to mess us up a bit. It's been especially confusing for her this year, because Jonah has been hitting milestones - her sister's wedding, getting engaged herself, buying a house - while Krys is still grinding her way through high school a second time, and the fact that it's not familiar is both exciting and confusing.
And part of the "confusing" part is on me.
When Elaine showed up as Mackenzie eight years ago, it felt temporary, even as I took her in and arranged for custody. It took two years for her to get her own life back and for Krystle to become the new Mackenzie, looking 11 but actually 25, having grown up one way and then spent some time another. Even though she had arranged to become Mackenzie deliberately, we don't live far away from the Inn and Krys can be impulsive. I'm kind of shocked that she never decided to take a short-cut back to adulthood, especially back when she was a lot younger. Given her previous history and the idea that she might not stick it out, we really didn't plan for college.
And here we are, visiting schools, trying to figure out which ones with dance majors will take a girl who was pretty good as a cheerleader and has some impressive TikToks but nothing really formal, so it's also hard to find scholarships. It's also not likely that what she did before arriving at the Inn would impress admissions boards too much. She tells me it's not my responsibility, and she'll just take out loans, but, well, it sounds like something she's really worked hard to make not sound like a guilt trip. Or maybe I'm hoping it is.
Maybe it's not. Maybe she'll get accepted into college, find an apartment, and never come back here. We're heading into what seems like a year of lasts right now. Last birthday together. Last Halloween, and all the holidays coming up.
The thing that brings this up was that I couldn't get to sleep the other night - Krys laughs at my caffeine-free Diet Coke ("what even is the point of that?") but when I have a can of the regular stuff with supper I am off for the next day and a half - which meant I was still up and watching TV when her date dropped her off at 12:30am Saturday night. As she was taking off her shoes in the mud room, she looked into the den at me. "Are you waiting up for your daughter like a real dad?"
I snorted, and she walked in, not terribly shy about putting one foot up on the coffee table so she could give her foot a massage after an evening in three-inch heels despite her wearing a skirt. "Why, should I?"
She shrugged. "Hell if I know. My dad was in jail when I was born and who knows where he wound up after that? Probably no need with Clay, though. He's a horny little nerd but nothing I can't handle." She leaned back and laughed.
I tilted my head at her. "You been drinking?"
She shook her head. "Nah, just got into his Dad's edibles." That made her giggle more. "God, what a thing to say!"
"I suppose it is. Good thing Elaine didn't want me going out with anyone even if I did stay as her long enough for it to seem appealing. Can you imagine that?"
"You bet your ass I can! You would have been nervous and sweet and made great conversation and then screeeeeeamed when he found your g-spot!" She sighed. "I kinda wish I could have had that. Like, the first time I f---ed a girl as Jonah, I knew I was a guy at his sexual peak who knew what women liked and I was going to be the best lover this b---- who wasn't as hot as the real me had ever had. Then, y'know, I held off for a while because I was surrounded by babies, but I figured that maybe Jimmy would be exciting, because he was my first as Mac and he was a big ol' football player, but nah. It was just like riding a bike."
"You sound disappointed."
"I'm not. Jimmy was fun and Clay's a nice kid and, like, I don't feel like I've been some kind of pedo with either of them, really, because I did kind of grow up with them, but I spent a lot of the last few years thinking I was getting a fresh start and maybe I've just taken the long way 'round to where I've been." Satisfied that she'd done all she could with her feet, she turned ninety degrees and rested her head on my leg, her feet up on the sofa's arm. "What do you think?"
I laid a hand on her belly. "I think you apparently don't give yourself nearly as much credit when you're high as when you're not. You get pretty good grades, you've got a bunch of friends - you never tell me about any old friends you miss - and you're making plans for the future. Sounds like a new start to me."
She grunted. "I dunno. Maybe; I mean, you are the man I've had the longest relationship with in my life." Then she started laughing. "Oh my god, Cory, can you imagine my little girlfriends talking about this stuff with their dads and stepdads? They'd die, just be like 'I'm dead'."
I helped her to her feet. "You know what, let's get you to bed."
She laughed again. "That is probably a really good idea!"
She skipped brushing her teeth or even wiping off her makeup and crawled into bed, sticking her hands out from under the covers to drop her top and skirt to the floor, then was asleep almost before she asked me if I could close the door. I did, trying not to linger too long on the sight of her.
I've been thinking of that sight for the past few days. She's really almost an adult on the outside again now, and from what I hear from the Dads and Moms I meet around town, girls the age she looks do their damnedest to not let people see them as vulnerable. It may be the last time I see her like that.
I imagine it doesn't mean as much to me as it does to a real father, but I'll miss it.
-Cary
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