After my dalliance with Donovan, I got to experience the awkward dynamic of being the girl in the equation after a one-night stand. I certainly wasn't going to text him, and I knew it would be easier if he didn't text me either, but every day that passed without a message left me feeling a bit sour. What, was I not good enough?
I don't want to have feelings for a guy, or be in a relationship of any description, but I'm also pretty prideful, and plus I let him have hi way with this body, so perhaps some communication was in order, even if I kind of astral projected out of it and don't remember what it fully felt like. Sorry, it turns out sex isn't a mind-blowing experience for everybody all the time on this side.
Then he actually did message me -- three days later, right on cue. I was bathing Sienna and helping her play with her rubber duckies when the phone buzzed. Just a simple 'hey what's up.' Despite anticipating this, I had no idea how I was going to respond. What was I supposed to say? He doesn't know I have a kid, and I don't want him to know. I could say that I'm looking after my sister. I could say that I'm the one in the bath, if I wanted to drive him wild.
I literally just said 'nothing, having an average night.'
"Yeah, same, just thought I'd check in."
Okay, then. What am I supposed to do with that? What would a girl who wanted to date do with that? What do I, who should not date, do with that? Do I tell him my big plan for the night -- after I put the kid to bed -- is to finish my homework and masturbate?
I told him nothing. I flat out didn't answer, I had to pay attention to the kid. I toweled her off and put her in her jammies. I let her walk around the house to say good night ot everyone...
And then, when we were in the kitchen saying good night to Mama Kelly, she was using a chair to stabilize herself and she fell flat on her face.
Now we have a problem. I've seen this girl crash plenty, but it always hurts me to see, because that moment when she erupts in tears -- which I know are going to take a while to calm down -- breaks my heart. Makes me feel like a failure, even though it happens to every kid that age, it's part of experiencing the world. But I'm supposed to protect her, I'm supposed to keep her steady. I can't all the time, but every time I fail I feel, well, like a failure.
Crying, crying, crying, wailing, I'm fanning her, offering her a soother, rocking her, she's squirming and fussing and won't go to bed. And that's my night. and I'm cursing under my breath the whole time because at times like these I remember I'm not supposed to be a parent!
When she finally did settle down and nod off, I barely had any time for homework, let alone the other stuff I'd planned. I looked at my phone, at the abortive conversation between me and Donovan Decent Guy, and I thought, that's about right. I can't bring another person into this. No man should get caught up in this mayhem. There's no room for dating or self-serving anything.
I see it all laid out before me. I take whatever low-paying job this town has to offer, I raise Sienna on my own and hope to heaven she turns out better, that she has a fighting chance. The kind thing for me to do is keep everyone else at arm's length at least for, oh, the next ten to fifteen years.
The fact that Mother's Day followed shortly after that just put me into a deeper spiral. The day was a total blur, not that anyone really acknowledged me with Cerie's pregnancy being the headline.
I never did hear back from Kiara/Lisa about taking her life back. It's appalling in a way, but if I was a 18-year-old with a chance at making it big, I might feel the same way. If you can live with the guilt, it doesn't sound like a bad deal at all, even if she doesn't become the next Kacey Musgraves.
There's still about two weeks for her to change her mind, and if I don't hear back, I guess that will be the end of tagging these posts "Tom" because he'll be gone forever.
Until then...
-Tom/Kiara
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