This blog has really got its hooks in me. I went a long time without saying much here, just trying to keep my head down and exist, but at some point, probably around the time it started to become obvious that Kiara is my future, I became a lot more invested in putting it down on paper.
At least in the time since last summer, I've gone from "Every day is a nightmare of body horror and other epic humiliations" to "Life has some mild inconveniences that I have mostly learned to navigate." There are even some extremely tepid wins sprinkled in there. For example, when I stopped breast feeding, and then pumping altogether. I actually kind of had mixed feelings about that... after the kid was no longer using them, the breasts were still there, as big as ever (and only very gradually less sore) and I'm going, "Jeez, I don't need these things anymore, what am I supposed to do with them for the rest of..." (and here's where I would trip myself up by thinking my life without actually wanting to mean it.)
Yes, I've reached an uneasy comfort with a lot of things in my life. The weather has been getting hot, so I've had to shed my trademark baggy sweats for items that are... lighter and more... revealing. Like the top with the deeeep neckline. Tank tops. Short shorts. It annoys me to wear these things, but the more I cover up, the less physically comfortable I am. I'm also cognizant that having a lot of hair on my head bottles in the heat. The only reason I never cut it up until now was out of courtesy for Kiara. but as the clock approaches midnight on my ultimatum to her, I'm thinking about salon appointments.
All this to say I've made my uneasy peace with the very, very likely scenario that I'm never getting out of this. That I am Kiara now and forever more. But I'm not throwing in the towel yet. I still message her regularly, and she hasn't blocked me.
But this isn't about her, or even me, except to say that I feel like I've said some things about my life these days that, if I didn't tell you the whole story, you might wonder.
So, when Cerie announced her pregnancy, I had a pretty negative reaction to that, mostly because, well, that's just common sense. I would really like it to have been none of my business, live and let live, let her make her own mistakes, except not only does there being another mouth under this roof affect me, I just couldn't let that level of foolishness go un-commented-on.
I kind of had this realization that even though objectively, teen pregnancy is a bad idea and should be avoided at all costs, it's so baked into this family's DNA that to object to it is almost like objecting to her own existence. Like it's disrespectful to Jen, and to her, and to my own self, even though Jen, if you ask her, will say she doesn't want this for her daughters. She doesn't want it, but she will support it, because that's what she believes is right. It's kind of a crazy head-trip, but it makes a certain amount of sense. You want better for your kids, but you also have to take them as they are. And she's not in a position where she could give Cerie any different treatment than she gave Kiara. She's already established a baseline behavior. "We take care of family."
I gave up that fight. I'm only a few credits away from earning Kiara her GED, which I will be working on over the summer, so once that happens I might be able to get out of here and take Sierra with me -- assuming I'm still this person then -- but until then, I'm part of this family. So I swallowed my pride and went along with it.
So I was the only one around to take Cerie to her ultrasound, which was well overdue. Fine. Peace has been made. I take her, and I go to the waiting room to sit and scroll through my phone, and the nurse comes back out and tells me they need to contact mom.
Some crazy back-and-forth ensued, and they got Jen on the phone and they were able to tell her that it's an ectopic pregnancy. It's not viable.
And in all this, it falls to me to comfort Cerie, who is crying her eyes out. No, no, no!! she's bawling, she really wanted this to be real. And I'm trying to comfort her, trying to ignore the fact we both know, that I was openly against this pregnancy.
I told her, "Listen, I know you and I have had our differences, but you're my sister, and all I care about right now is your feelings. so just let it out, it's okay."
I did everything I could to put my own feelings aside and go into caretaker mode -- which I've gotten reasonably good at over the last year -- and support her as she sobbed in fear, not just that she wasn't going to have this baby, but that something might happen that could prevent her from getting pregnant in the future.
We got through it, by the grace of whatever deity you happen to believe in. No, it wasn't easy, but it also appears there were no complications.
It was tough, and emotionally draining. Somehow, I think we got a little bit closer when the chips were down and we put our differences aside. The mood around here has changed a little bit for the better, even if there's still a dark cloud hanging over my sister.
Hm. "My sister."
-Tom/Kiara
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