Lane/Kari: Stuffed and Shoved

When Halloween and Dia de Los Muertos snuck up on me, I made a conscious effort not to be caught off guard by holidays in this life. I called Kari and got details on traditions and plans and roles for all the major holidays. I knew weeks ahead of time we were going to her parents for Thanksgiving as well as Christmas Eve. New Years is out with Rosita and some friends at some party in the city. Ashley's Birthday is in March, "My" birthday is in May and all of those dates a few minor ones are written in my phone calendar as well as on the wall calendar in the kitchen. (I bought it when Ashely started school, a little low-tech but its good to have a constant reminder of upcoming events).

Holidays are a big deal, even when they aren't. If you asked any random person to remember a day from the past year, odds are their most vivid memories would be of a holiday. The routine and traditions and happiness that surround them stick in people's minds. If I mess up as Kari on one of these, it would do the most damage, so I'm being proactive.

It also gave me time to prepare for Thanksgiving. Normally Thanksgiving back home involved watching football on the TV, trying to avoid relatives who want to start drama, and drinking when they eventually do. No such luck this year. As much as I hoped for a more progressive viewpoint, apparently traditional gender roles are enforced on Thanksgiving at the Cruz house, which meant that I was going to have to cook....and bake. I was looking up how to make stuff like turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes when I got an email from Kari. Apparently her mom took care of that stuff, I was only responsible for the Cherry Pie and the chili, and she had sent recipes for both.

I know what you're thinking, chili? Yeah, apparently its not a Mexican thing or anything like that, its just some thing the Cruzes (Cruces? I really should look that up) do. Unlike a lot of families they eat Thanksgiving dinner at regular dinner time instead of early afternoon. This means that between breakfast and dinner there's a lot of cooking but not a lot of food ready. The Chili is made the night before in a crock pot which gets turned on very early in the morning so that around lunchtime you have a nice, light meal that's great on a cold day. I was able to make both dishes pretty close to what Kari did, because if there is one thing I've learned to do in this life is follow a recipe. I eat out a lot back in New York, but we can't afford that here so most of the food preparation falls on me and whatever cheap and interesting recipes I can find on the internet. It was a lot of hot dogs and Kraft Macaroni at first, but I've improved since then.

I managed to pull myself away from the cooking a few times to chat with "Dad" and catch a glimpse of a little football. Thanksgiving football is a big deal in Detroit because apparently the tradition got started here or something and Eduardo is a huge Lions fan. He, like everyone in Kari's life, was simultaneously curious and pleasantly surprised at my sudden knowledge of sports, and he was a bit curious about why I was so happy when Dallas lost but it was nice to have some bonding, even it if was artificial.

I actually did a lot of bonding that day, both with Kari's parents and Ashley and it kind of made me a bit emotional. Having my brain dunked in estrogen has really made me susceptible to watery eyes when something kinda sad happens, and all this family time made me miss my real family, dysfunctional as they are. I really don't talk to my parents more than maybe once a month, and I only really ever visit them for holidays and that's mostly out of obligation. I think it's the fact that I've disappeared from their lives and they have no way of knowing, or even believing it. I snuck away during the day and sent a text to Jennifer telling her to give everyone a hug for me, even thought it would be totally out of character. I hugged the Cruz family for Kari, even though there wasn't any specific request to do so.

I ate what would be considered a lot for a large man, let alone a tiny woman. I still need to get my eyes in step with my new stomach. And while it is a myth that turkey makes you sleepy it is true that eating a lot of food in general will make you sleepy and I wound up crashing on the couch watching a movie. Ashley wound up curling up on a big chair nearby and without it ever being said it was assumed that we'd be staying the night there because it led into the next family tradition.

Getting up at 4 in the fucking morning to go shopping.

I generally look down on the idea of following up a holiday designed to be thankful with one designed to be ruthless in the pursuit of cheap stuff (And this is coming from an investment banker) but apparently Pilar liked to do the bulk of her Christmas shopping that day to stretch her dollars as far as they'll go. Shopping and I have an interesting relationship since I've taken over Kari's life, in that I really only do it when we need something. Kari didn't really follow that rule as evidenced by the giant closet full of clothes that probably were only worn a few times.

Most of the shopping done that day was done by Pilar for Eduardo and relatives who I'd never met and lived far enough away that probably wouldn't. I mostly gave advice and helped find things in stores. Ashely came along to, and would occasionally stand by an outfit or electronic device and drop obvious hints that she wanted that, and I made mental notes. I am glad we came along, even though I didn't buy anything because store openings that early in the morning are brutal. The crowds are animalistic even, and its mostly middle aged moms pushing each other and occasionally yelling. Ashley and I were there to watch Pilar's back to make sure she didn't get trampled.

It was 5 pm when Ashley and I finally got back to "our" place with a couple of bags that she kept hidden from me and a pile of leftovers. As I curled up on the couch in sweatpants I started thinking about Christmas presents. Not only what to get the Cruz family and what I COULD buy them, but also to get input from Kari. I also composed an email for Jennifer so she could buy stuff for my family and friends and I got a little blue again thinking about them.

It's gonna be a challenging season.

-Lane

Cliff/Tori: Thanksgiving Saga Part 3

I'm going to try to wrap this up quickly, because I should be getting ready for work and this story has dragged out too long anyway.

That night, I didn't really sleep that well, as you can imagine. A combination of identity confusion and potential horniness will do that. I just lay there in the dark for a while, untying the braid in my hair. Finally, when I realized I wasn't going back to sleep, I picked up one of the journals and started reading.

I got to the point where, in the eighth grade, Tori admits to her journal she has a crush on a boy she knows. She had mentioned him quite a bit earlier and it seemed like, whether she admitted it or not, there was some kind of unspoken thing. for pages and pages it goes on about what happens when they spend time together and speculation about whether or not he likes her back. It was so sweet and so innocent and made me long for those days when it was all so simple. I was tired before I got to the end of the story (if there is an end) and managed to fall asleep at 3.

However, I had to get up early the next morning because the four of us (me, Willy, Justin and Randi) were going shopping on Black Friday, at the Walden Galleria, which is of course the biggest mall around here. We decided to split up into guys and girls and meet up for lunch at the food court. Despite my desire to go with the guys, there was a very important matter I wanted to discuss with Randi.

As you can imagine it was ridiculously crowded, meaning every place we went to took way longer to deal with than usual.

She took me around to all the women's clothing places she liked. As I guy I'd be super-bored but at least as Tori I can occupy myself by trying things on if they interest me. After all, no matter what body you're in, you need clothes, and certain clothes are made for certain people. It's quite a bit like my trip with the real Tori, but Randi of course didn't know who she was really with. So I just went along with it and tried to have fun. I ended up buying only a few items for myself, and a few gifts for Mae and "mom." I also bought some trinkets for my real mom as a "thanks" for having me over.

Randi was a lot of fun to be around. I'd known her for a few months before I changed, but only as part of a couple with Justin. Obviously there wasn't much excuse for the two of us to hang out one on one. I'm a little embarrassed to admit but even in my first post here I talked about how I'd kinda had a crush on her. I mean she's beautiful, smart and funny. And she really seems to love Justin. I asked her about their relationship, things I already know ("How long have you been together, how did you meet?") but had never really heard her side of. After a while, I was able to put aside my male feelings for her, and just be her friend. It made it a lot easier to talk to her than I ever did as Cliff.

Apropos of nothing and with quite a bit of embarrassment, I asked "Hey, Randi, listen, I wanna ask you... did you ever have a lesbian experience?" Obviously she was put off by the question, and it was probably way, way too personal for someone I'd "just met" (hell, even if I was myself,) but it was my secret scheme to talk a little bit about my situation. I clarified my fictionalized version, "See, my little sister keeps bringing this girl over, and my mom thinks they might be, I don't know, together. And I never did anything like that, but I'm trying to see if it's maybe normal just to... try." Yeah, now that I write it out, it was awkward, but she handled it like a champ. I should also add that Randi is studying to be a social worker or a counselor or something, so she's maybe a little more comfortable about this sort of thing.

I added, "I know, I know, we're practically strangers, but that's kind of why I wanted to ask you. We're all girls here, aren't we?"

She smiled and said in a hushed voice, "No, yeah, it's okay. It's actually normal to have doubts about yourself. When I was a little younger, in college, I had this friend, Michelle. And neither of us had boyfriends so we spent a lot of saturday nights together in my dorm watching movies and drinking, and... I don't know why I'm telling you this, but it was pretty much a relationship."

"What, really? Did you guys ever, like, kiss and stuff?"

"Exactly. It was like a secret little affair, but we had to be alone to deal with it. And then she got a boyfriend, and I got a boyfriend, and we never talked about it again, even as our relationships came and went. For us, it was only a passing phase, but I think it's definitely healthy to explore that side of yourself."

I thought about what she was saying as it had to do with my life. It made a lot of sense.

Of course, the funny thing is, I've actually met Michelle, and when I get my body back, I probably will again. I'll have to keep an eye out for any strange behavior! Haha.

We were early for lunch so we got seats and texted the guys where to find us. While we were waiting, I was struck by an image from my past -- a girl I knew in high school and was hugely attracted to (even though she was popular and kinda dumb and bitchy, and it was never going to happen, I spent a lot of time... thinking about her.)

I was staring at her, and before long, I realized how far behind me those feelings were. I was drawn to Randi maybe a little bit because I know her and she's a nice person and yeah, she's still beautiful. But this girl, whose name I even had trouble remembering, did nothing for me.

Around that time, I realized, maybe it really isn't about liking "boys or girls," it's about liking people. I still don't know what any of it means but I feel like I made a really big step.

After regrouping and eating, we made a few more stops (I picked up some gadgetry at Best Buy for my dad, the same as I got a little something for my mom.) After we dropped Justin and Randi off, Willy and I finally talked... a little.

"Listen," he said, "I'm sorry about last night, really, I never--"

"It's okay. Really. You didn't do anything wrong."

"It's just, well... when I first saw you, Wednesday night, I didn't expect you to look so good, I guess. I think I may have gone into flirt mode, and that was unfair of me. It's just, you feel like a friend, but you're a beautiful girl if you don't mind me saying, and I've never had such a close bond with someone so quick. I guess I should be looking at you like you're just a fella, right?"

I laughed, "No, you don't have to. I haven't acted like one in a while. I mean, it's not like you hypnotized me or anything." He laughed, and I did a little too, "Look, we get along well, and I got carried away last night. You've been very good about this, Willy. And if it's possible I'd like to come back and see you, and see my friends and family again... but, I've got to work, and save money for my big trip to Maine next summer. I mean, I may be okay with this, but I'm still getting that body back one way or the other, got me?"

He smiled "Yeah, I gotcha."

We had dinner, and he peppered me with a few obvious questions about womanhood, then we watched a movie. Around 11, he drove me to the bus depot, and we hugged goodbye.

The next morning, I was back in Philly.... back in "my own bed."

I hope it makes sense to you, how this all ties into everything. I haven't got really concrete answers, and I probably won't as long as I'm Tori, but my eyes are a little more open now as to what I am to other people, and what other people are to me. So I understand a bit more about who I am now... now to read those diaries some more....