So, I started this affair with Chuck and Julia back in February. For a while things were great. I mean, if I ignored the nagging feeling in my gut that I was just a piece of meat, they were totally peachy keen.
There was the wild thrill of it all. I can't deny it. Getting caught up between two bodies, one male, one female, was in a way the perfect situation for me. I hadn't really felt much attraction to women since becoming Tori, but it wasn't as if I was turned off by them. I just stopped seeing them as potential romantic partners, because they stopped seeing me that way, and in time turned me attention to the men who were giving me attention. Which in the end, worked out, because I gained so many valuable female friendships... most of which have sadly fallen away as the girls have gotten on with their lives, moved away, or been tricked into going to the Inn in Sara's case. And I've been eyebrow-deep in work for so long that I couldn't really sustain the kind of romantic relationship (or friendship) I wanted.
So this was win-win. A way to get my (physical) needs served, expand my horizons even further, make up for lost time, and not worry about sustaining an emotional bond.
And I should point out that they were very good about the whole thing. Not just kind about opening their bed up to me, but about making me feel wanted, sexy, pleasured and pleasurable. It wasn't two women sharing one man, it was three people as a unit, together in a kind of physical poetry. Like wow.
It was everything at once: awkward and exciting, uncomfortable and welcoming, friendly and cold. Sexy and mechanical.
Meaningless sex isn't wrong, but after a few months of that, I started to feel like a ho. That's even a lie: I felt like a bit of a ho immediately, but I pushed that thought to the back. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I felt I had reasonable proof that I couldn't sustain a real relationship - my miserable online dating rounds and the frustrating months of on-again-off-again with Boy-X. There was nothing wrong with consenting adults seeking a bit of pleasure. But I felt weird for giving in to that impulse. Then I felt bad for feeling so weird about it, like I couldn't appreciate it or shed my hangups.
"There's gotta be someone out there for me..." I muttered into my pillow some nights, doubtful that what I was saying was true. I reassured myself: "I'm just killing time until I find him. it'll be so much easier when I do." The question was: when would that happen? The more I avoided it, the more I felt the pressure to get back out there and stop fooling around.
Sometimes I hang out with Julia, for drinks or coffees if Chuck's not around, usually at their place so she can watch the kid. I promised I wouldn't see him outside of the context of our agreement (or work) but I never made any such promise about her. At first I hardly felt like I could face her, given the somewhat schoolgirlish crush I held for her husband, but as time wore on I felt more and more close to her, as a person and a woman, not just a sometime-sexual partner.
I confided to her that it was starting to get to me, that I would have to see myself out at the end of the night, sometimes fighting back tears while they stayed in bed and cuddled.
"I don't want you to feel used," she said. "If you're not comfortable..."
"It's not that, I'm just... jealous I guess. I want what you guys have, but I can't ever seem to get it."
"I know it's not easy," she said sympathetically, "But my big sister used to tell me this when I was young and had dating problems: You only have to get it right once. And from where I am now, I see she was right."
That didn't comfort me much. "I feel like my life is too complicated for that opportunity to ever arise."
"Well, if you don't get out there, it won't," she said. "I mean, what we're doing is fun, I'd keep doing it as long as we're all happy, but if you're not, then I don't want you to feel like you don't have options. You owe it to yourself to find happiness."
I sighed, "It's hard for me. I have a pretty demanding job, a ton of baggage, and an inability to decide what I want."
"I disagree," she said.
"With what?"
"All of it," she said, "First, lots of people have jobs. You work around it, and you make time. If he can't take the fact that you're career oriented, he's not for you.
"Second, I think you do know what you want. You're just tempted to settle for less. Don't. Hold out, but don't close yourself off to new possibilities.
"Third, I seriously don't think you have any more baggage than anyone else out there. Don't let it weigh you down."
I wanted to refute that last point, but it would involve bringing up the whole "used to be a guy" thing (as well as the "manipulated by the Agency" thing) and how that affects my dating. It shouldn't: I'm a strong, competent woman with a lot going for me. The right guy would probably help me let go of that baggage once and for all.
"You're also really good looking, smart, fun to be around, and intensely sexual," she said admiringly, "That'll intimidate some guys, but it doesn't have to. Watch out for that, don't let them get away. Just believe in your own heart. Like I said: It only needs to work out once."
For now, I'm keeping up our arrangement, although I wonder if Chuck senses me just going through the motions sometimes, or if it makes a difference. I sat and thought about my next step, and how to go about breaking things off with them, should the occasion arrive.
Which brings me to the dreaded Wedding Season.
I've been invited to a few weddings this summer... sigh... and it's not like I can bring Chuck and Julia. I don't even really mind going stag (or, I guess it's doe? Stag-ette? Whatever, alone.) but you sort of need a buffer, a shield. Weddings are... tough, as a woman. People expect you to be marriage-minded/wedding-minded/baby-minded (ick, no.) If you're single, people expect you to be vulnerable and therefore approachable, and sometimes that attracts good attention, sometimes bad. They're fun, and a lot of pressure, and part of me does not want to deal with them. But I figure diving headlong into this wedding season is just the kick in the ass I need.
I have a wedding coming up for an old friend of Tori's. Someone I know, not necessarily as well as I eventually got to know Raine and Sara, but decently well. Raine, in fact, will be there.
And I thought, well, if he's interested... I should invite Cliff down.
It's potentially a very hairy situation. He hasn't seen anyone from Philly since he was Sara. Maybe meeting them like this is a bad idea, maybe it could be therapeutic, I don't know. At one point he was going to move out to California to be with some girl, but that ended up not working out and he wasn't seeing anyone, so I asked if it wouldn't be too hard to see the old gang, and he said yes.
"As... friends, right?"
"Of course :)" I replied. "You can be my wingman. I'll be your wing girl."
"I don't need a wing girl, haha" he said.
"Oh, cocky much? ;P"
"Recently, yes. But enough about what's between my legs..."
"Don't rub it in, when it was mine I couldn't drum up any interest!"
"I'll rub it any way I want... you gave it to me. Haha, oh God I can't believe you let me make jokes like that."
"I think it's important for people like us to be able to confide in each other. If that means you making gross references to your junk, well, I'll take it."
He told me thanks again, and has periodically messaged me over the weeks to tell me he's actually getting excited to see the old hometown.
This could be fun... or interesting, anyway.
Showing posts with label Julia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Julia. Show all posts
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Tori: Our thing
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, standing outside of Chuck and Julia's house in the cold February air. My heart is racing. Beneath my clothes I'm wearing a pair of lacey pink panties and a push-up bra. I wonder what the hell I'm about to do. It happens to be Valentine's Day. I think to myself, "I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be part of this." But I don't have anywhere else to be, anyone else to be with. I think about guys that I've dated and could have tried harder to make it work, but that thought quickly dissipates, because I know it's a fantasy. Things don't work out for a reason.
Instead of ringing the doorbell, I simply text "I'm here." I don't know why.
She answers, and for a moment I'm disappointed it's not him, but she is looking gorgeous, ten years younger in a little black dress. She smiles and wraps me up in a warm hug that feels more sisterly than romantic. "I'm so glad you're here," she says into my ear, "We're going to have a lot of fun tonight."
Like I said, it's Valentine's. I initially objected to imposing on them, but they insisted. It's one of the few nights of the year when her mother expects to babysit the kid, so we are guaranteed privacy. I try to be reassured by that, but instead it just pulls me back to reality.
We also had the awkward conversation about whether I should come over for dinner, and I was pretty adamant about not doing so. So I arrived promptly at 9.
Julia took my coat and Chuck came to see me, giving me a light hug and a polite kiss on the cheek. They're just finishing dinner and enjoying some drinks, and as soon as they offer I blurt out that yes, I would love a glass of wine.
We drink in silence for a moment, I don't think any of us is really sure what we want to say. Eventually Chuck says, "Isn't my wife stunning?"
Without hesitation, I look dreamily at her and say "She's gorgeous." I'm used to openly appreciating other girls' looks just on an aesthetic level, but I'm trying to dig back down into the part of my psyche that lusted after them. The alcohol helps. I smile at her, "I can't wait to see more of her."
She leans into me. I stay still. She places her hand gently on my leg. I feel a shiver at being touched. She moved her hand back and forth. I place my hand on her arm and do the same. Before I know it, I have placed my lips on hers.
It's a nice kiss, soft and a bit timid. we only hold there for a second before parting. I look over at Chuck. He's looking at me, too. I touch his hand. He smiles at me.
Something is wrong. My heart is palpitating. I want him, in a way that is not necessarily acceptible, given our agreement. I'm not here to steal him away, I remind myself. He stays here tonight, with his wife.
They take me to the bedroom and we all share kisses. I let myself get swept up in the fantasy, pushing Chuck down on the bed while Julia massages me from behind, her hand searching my butt and breasts, kissing my neck. I feel incredibly alive.
Out of guilt, I turn to her and we begin to kiss. I don't know why I was expecting it to be bad, but it wasn't. I start to find her a better, more willing partner than the uptight Chuck. We gradually undress each other, carelessly tossing out clothes into a heap. I reach behin me to where I know Chuck's crotch is, and pet it, feeling for his belt buckle, signifying I want him in this huddle too. My hand sweeps around his midsection, undoing his fly and letting his cock stand erect. At this point, Julia has been kissing me and fondling my breasts to the point where I am unbearably wet. I have my hand wrapped around Chuck's stiff manhood, while Julia busies herself by petting my crotch.
"Yes, yes!" I moan, leaning back to kiss Chuck's lips as his wife lets her tongue trace a path between my breasts down past my bellybutton. My nipples stiffen at the sensation as she caresses them. I'm having buttons pressed that I never imagined I had. Then she cries out, "Somebody fuck me!" and Chuck immediately snaps to, positioning himself behind her to put himself inside her while she buries her face in my crotch.
Looking up at him, thrusting away on her, I wish she and I could switch places, but she's the hostess. An besides, she's doing an excellent job eating my pussy. I feel incredibly alive.
She hums her pleasure moans into me as Chuck grunts and I feel myself rapidly approaching climax. I can tell from the look on Chuck's face that he's almost ready to pop too, despite her urging "Don't stop, babe!"
Well, as we all know, it's not really up to him. Luckily, I'm there, and ready to reciprocate what she has done for me, spinning us so that she's beneath me as soon as he pulls out of her. I keep a firm hand on her breast while putting to good use all he knowledge of a woman's anatomy I've gained in the last six years.
"Oh my GOD!" she cries out, "You're so good at this, have you done it before?"
I stop just a moment and poke my head up at her. "No..."
"Don't stop!" she cries out. I go as long as I possibly can. I feel my jaw locking up and my tongue losing feeling, but I press on. It become almost a joke as she keeps begging me to continue, "Please don't stop, don't ever stop!"
Just as I feel like I can't go any longer, Chuck returns and pulls me away from his wife. He lays me down on top of him, and pulls Julia on as well, beginning to fondle her. He's hard again and directs me to ride him. I do so, bouncing as rapidly as I can, too swept up in the momentum to slow myself down. Waves of electric pleasure as surging through me. Julia sits up and starts to kiss me. I don't want to make her jealous, so I climb off as soon as I'm satisfied and let her finish her husband.
I lie between them in the bed, arms and legs all pretzeled up. We're all out of breath, and it's a while before anybody speaks, and Julia says "We're doing that again."
"Yeah," I huff, "Best workout ever."
"Tori, I love your tits," she says, "Doesn't she have great tits, Chuck?"
"Almost as good as yours," he says, kissing her. Which annoys me, because mine are way better, but I know why he said it. I feel the jealousy bubbling back up inside me and withstand the situation as long as I can before gathering my clothes.
Chuck drives me home and there's a palpable awkwardness. "You're great," I say, "You both are. I mean, wow."
"It's not usually like that," he laughs, "So you must have really brought out the best in us."
For the rest of the night, once I'm alone again, I'm lost in thought. I feel like I'm cheating at life whenever I have meaningless sex. It used to feel impossible, and now it feels all too easy. Why can't I just accept something good?
Oh, yes, standing outside of Chuck and Julia's house in the cold February air. My heart is racing. Beneath my clothes I'm wearing a pair of lacey pink panties and a push-up bra. I wonder what the hell I'm about to do. It happens to be Valentine's Day. I think to myself, "I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be part of this." But I don't have anywhere else to be, anyone else to be with. I think about guys that I've dated and could have tried harder to make it work, but that thought quickly dissipates, because I know it's a fantasy. Things don't work out for a reason.
Instead of ringing the doorbell, I simply text "I'm here." I don't know why.
She answers, and for a moment I'm disappointed it's not him, but she is looking gorgeous, ten years younger in a little black dress. She smiles and wraps me up in a warm hug that feels more sisterly than romantic. "I'm so glad you're here," she says into my ear, "We're going to have a lot of fun tonight."
Like I said, it's Valentine's. I initially objected to imposing on them, but they insisted. It's one of the few nights of the year when her mother expects to babysit the kid, so we are guaranteed privacy. I try to be reassured by that, but instead it just pulls me back to reality.
We also had the awkward conversation about whether I should come over for dinner, and I was pretty adamant about not doing so. So I arrived promptly at 9.
Julia took my coat and Chuck came to see me, giving me a light hug and a polite kiss on the cheek. They're just finishing dinner and enjoying some drinks, and as soon as they offer I blurt out that yes, I would love a glass of wine.
We drink in silence for a moment, I don't think any of us is really sure what we want to say. Eventually Chuck says, "Isn't my wife stunning?"
Without hesitation, I look dreamily at her and say "She's gorgeous." I'm used to openly appreciating other girls' looks just on an aesthetic level, but I'm trying to dig back down into the part of my psyche that lusted after them. The alcohol helps. I smile at her, "I can't wait to see more of her."
She leans into me. I stay still. She places her hand gently on my leg. I feel a shiver at being touched. She moved her hand back and forth. I place my hand on her arm and do the same. Before I know it, I have placed my lips on hers.
It's a nice kiss, soft and a bit timid. we only hold there for a second before parting. I look over at Chuck. He's looking at me, too. I touch his hand. He smiles at me.
Something is wrong. My heart is palpitating. I want him, in a way that is not necessarily acceptible, given our agreement. I'm not here to steal him away, I remind myself. He stays here tonight, with his wife.
They take me to the bedroom and we all share kisses. I let myself get swept up in the fantasy, pushing Chuck down on the bed while Julia massages me from behind, her hand searching my butt and breasts, kissing my neck. I feel incredibly alive.
Out of guilt, I turn to her and we begin to kiss. I don't know why I was expecting it to be bad, but it wasn't. I start to find her a better, more willing partner than the uptight Chuck. We gradually undress each other, carelessly tossing out clothes into a heap. I reach behin me to where I know Chuck's crotch is, and pet it, feeling for his belt buckle, signifying I want him in this huddle too. My hand sweeps around his midsection, undoing his fly and letting his cock stand erect. At this point, Julia has been kissing me and fondling my breasts to the point where I am unbearably wet. I have my hand wrapped around Chuck's stiff manhood, while Julia busies herself by petting my crotch.
"Yes, yes!" I moan, leaning back to kiss Chuck's lips as his wife lets her tongue trace a path between my breasts down past my bellybutton. My nipples stiffen at the sensation as she caresses them. I'm having buttons pressed that I never imagined I had. Then she cries out, "Somebody fuck me!" and Chuck immediately snaps to, positioning himself behind her to put himself inside her while she buries her face in my crotch.
Looking up at him, thrusting away on her, I wish she and I could switch places, but she's the hostess. An besides, she's doing an excellent job eating my pussy. I feel incredibly alive.
She hums her pleasure moans into me as Chuck grunts and I feel myself rapidly approaching climax. I can tell from the look on Chuck's face that he's almost ready to pop too, despite her urging "Don't stop, babe!"
Well, as we all know, it's not really up to him. Luckily, I'm there, and ready to reciprocate what she has done for me, spinning us so that she's beneath me as soon as he pulls out of her. I keep a firm hand on her breast while putting to good use all he knowledge of a woman's anatomy I've gained in the last six years.
"Oh my GOD!" she cries out, "You're so good at this, have you done it before?"
I stop just a moment and poke my head up at her. "No..."
"Don't stop!" she cries out. I go as long as I possibly can. I feel my jaw locking up and my tongue losing feeling, but I press on. It become almost a joke as she keeps begging me to continue, "Please don't stop, don't ever stop!"
Just as I feel like I can't go any longer, Chuck returns and pulls me away from his wife. He lays me down on top of him, and pulls Julia on as well, beginning to fondle her. He's hard again and directs me to ride him. I do so, bouncing as rapidly as I can, too swept up in the momentum to slow myself down. Waves of electric pleasure as surging through me. Julia sits up and starts to kiss me. I don't want to make her jealous, so I climb off as soon as I'm satisfied and let her finish her husband.
I lie between them in the bed, arms and legs all pretzeled up. We're all out of breath, and it's a while before anybody speaks, and Julia says "We're doing that again."
"Yeah," I huff, "Best workout ever."
"Tori, I love your tits," she says, "Doesn't she have great tits, Chuck?"
"Almost as good as yours," he says, kissing her. Which annoys me, because mine are way better, but I know why he said it. I feel the jealousy bubbling back up inside me and withstand the situation as long as I can before gathering my clothes.
Chuck drives me home and there's a palpable awkwardness. "You're great," I say, "You both are. I mean, wow."
"It's not usually like that," he laughs, "So you must have really brought out the best in us."
For the rest of the night, once I'm alone again, I'm lost in thought. I feel like I'm cheating at life whenever I have meaningless sex. It used to feel impossible, and now it feels all too easy. Why can't I just accept something good?
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Tori: The Arrangement
So I hinted that I would tell you what my situation was like lately, but I had to wait and see if it lasted at least a little while. It's also somewhat controversial. I know I shouldn't expect any judgment from you fine people, although if you wanted to, I wouldn't blame you. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it myself.
That's a lie, I actually kind of like it. It's not a perfect arrangement, but for now, it's fun.
It started sometime in the New Year when things were definitely, for sure, completely done with Boy-X. Actually that's a lie, it started years ago when I met Chuck at work and started to hit it off with him. The big problem was, and is, that he's married, so as much as we got along, I knew he was off limits. He and his wife Julia make a great couple and I would never want to do anything to stand between them, especially because they have a 16-month-old, an adorable son Tommy.
Anyway. Chuck got promoted out of his department and I was promoted into his, and that came with a bunch of stresses that caused us to lose touch a bit - I had been regularly talking to him when I was in IT but now work didn't bring us much into contact. So we made a point to get a coffee after the Holidays when things quieted down.
Chuck is older, even moreso than I originally was. He's nearly 40, with dignified salt-and-pepper hair. He has a pretty commanding presence that really does something for me, but I always figured I had hidden it. I was actually a little embarrassed to be so attracted to him, because he was such a "man" in the classic sense, that it really brought to mind how unsophisticated the guys I'd dated are, even the ones I really loved. It was intimidating, and having been through what I have, I don't intimidate easily.
So we went for a beverage, and he got me venting about my latest romantic messes, kind of egging me on as I spouted off about how I couldn't meet a solid guy, et cetera et cetera. I had to stop abruptly, redfaced when I realized how long I had been talking without much of a point.
"No, no, it's fine," he said, "This is like TV for me."
"Oh, glad I can entertain!" I laughed.
"So, are you looking to settle down?" he asked.
"I don't know," I sighed, "I look at what my brother has with his wife, or what you have with yours, and I think 'I want that.' But I'm not done having fun yet, either."
"Settling down doesn't necessarily mean the end of fun," he said with a knowing smile.
I cocked an eyebrow, saying I'd take his word for it. "Every guy I meet starts by saying 'I'm not looking to get into anything serious,' which is usually just code for 'I'll screw around with you if I don't have to call you later.' And that would be fine if I was meeting any quality guys, guys I felt were worth the risk of disappointment. But I keep encountering these barely-grown fratboys who I wouldn't ever want to get serious with."
He nodded and I continued, "I'm not saying my next guy has to be my husband. I'm not even saying I want a husband. I just think I should raise my standards. If I can meet a guy who actually already has his shit together, that's one less thing for me to worry about, and it's more of a turn-on."
"You don't mind just having a one-night stand as long as the guy wears a suit to work," he smirked.
"It sounds so shallow when you put it like that!" I said, embarrassed again. Chuck has this way of just calling me out.
"Look, it's okay not to want to settle down," he said. "That just might not be who you are."
I wondered if he was alluding to something with his wife, so I asked if things were okay. "Yeah, they're great," he said, and I decided to trust him.
It was later that night when I started getting some texts from him.
"Okay. This is stupid, and I needed half a bottle of scotch to psych myself into this so sorry if my spelling is a little rough." (It was immaculate.)
He went on. "You asked if things were okay with me and Julia. And they are. But we've been together for a very long time and we had a conversation not that long ago
"About missed opportunities, things we might have done if we hadn't gotten together when we did.
"Jules brought up the idea of being with women. She said she had been on the cusp of her 'experimental phase' in college when we met.
"And maybe neither of us wants to admit it but since Tommy was born there hasn't been a lot going on in the bedroom
"So we started seriously kicking around the idea of a threesome.
"And I immediately thought of you just because you're someone I trust and hold very closely,
"And you've never been shy about pointing out when you think a woman is hot
"Including Julia... so while I don't now I you would be into it I know you're at least pretty confident in yourself and open.
"And unless I've missed my guess you've always seemed to have a little bit of a thing for me.
"Maybe I'm an idiot for asking. If you never want to speak to me again I'll understand."
I couldn't believe my eyes. My jaw just hit the floor with every new text that arrived, until finally I figured he was done. I had to think very long and very carefully about how I wanted to respond. Yes, he was correct that I had an attraction to him - he is everything I've never had in a man: mature, established, confident, really himself... but I was always ashamed of myself for even having a notion of attraction, so I never really pined. But this? Was it something I anted to act on? It seemed fraught with obvious complications.
I finally texted back 20 minutes later, "A threesome isn't going to save your marriage..." I said, careful not to say either yes or no.
The response came back five minutes later. "My marriage isn't in trouble. I just feel like we're in a unique position to make this work, but only if every party is amenable to the terms."
He added, "I love my wife. I want to do this for her."
I sighed and texted back "This is for her, and not for you?"
Not long after, he responded, "It's for me too a little bit, sure. For all of us, if you're in."
I laid back on my bed. "I need time to think about this." My rational side was 100% against it, but my sense of adventure and curiosity - which has done me very well in the years since I became Tori - was pulling me toward it. If nothing else it felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. It had the potential to destroy a very meaningful friendship and/or a marriage. The last thing I wanted to be was the Other Woman, even if the wife was in the same room.
Finally, I said the three of us had to discuss it.
A few days later I went to their place for drinks. I sat at the island in their kitchen while Julia poured three glasses of wine. I nervously looked between the three of them: Jules, Chuck, and Tommy in his playpen.
I paid particular attention to Julia. She's very beautiful, a couple inches taller than me, with a slight frame and long light brown hair. I sensed she was sizing me up, too.
"First, um, thanks a lot for thinking of me for this. If nothing else, it's flattering."
"Thanks for not cursing me out immediately," Chuck laughed.
"Julia," I said, "We don't know each other very well, but Chuck says this is more your idea than his. Is that true? Because if he's just trying to convince you--"
"No, no," Julia said, "Believe me, Chuck knows better than to suggest something like that without me taking the lead. He suggested you, and I felt very comfortable with that."
"Do you mind if I ask why?"
"I feel like I can trust you," she said, "You and Chuck have been friends for a long time, and whenever I see you two together, I never get that... you know, bolt of jealousy sometimes we get when a significant other is close to a member of the opposite sex."
"So if I admit I find your husband very attractive, you won't want to punch me?"
"Well he is," she smiled and looked over at him, trying to hide his face, "And you haven't ever made any kind of move, so... you have character. That's impressive."
"Thank you," I sighed.
"You're very attractive," she said, leaning in to me.
"Um, thanks." Part of me never gets tired of hearing that, so I blushed hard. "So are you."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with a girl like you, if you don't mind me saying."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with Salma Hayek," I joked nervously, "But she's not available."
Julia smiled, "Well, I hope I'm an acceptable substitute."
Julia does not look like Salma Hayek, but she's very pretty. I looked her over again. I thought she was a little hotter when she was still breastfeeding, but I've got my own boobs to play with if I want to. I smiled and told her she was.
"I have one suggestion," I said, "We can discuss this but I feel pretty strongly about it. I really, really don't want this to get out of hand. It's just sex, right?"
"Right," said Chuck quickly. Julia listened intently.
"Well," I said, "I think it's important to set some boundaries. Chuck, we're going to have to limit the amount of time we spend together on our own."
Chuck's mouth was a straight line, his face blank. Julia insisted, "That's not necessary, I trust him."
"It's for my own peace of mind," I said, looking back and forth between them. "Things can change. I'm not saying I'm such a good lay that it might destroy your marriage - although I'm very good, you guys should know that - but you never know what might happen. Chuck, you and I already don't interact much at work anymore, we only really hang out when we make a point to do so. There's not much point in you and I just hanging out together without Julia in this scenario. It's for transparency's sake."
They took a moment to chew it over.
"I don't like the idea of bossing who my husband can and can't see," Julia said with a sigh.
"No, Jules, it's okay," Chuck said. "She makes a good point. I want it all out on the table. If that's our rule, it will work."
"Good," I said, taking a deep breath and sipping my red wine. "Now, I wasn't really thinking of doing this tonight, I'm on my period... do you mind if we hold off for a bit?"
"Of course, of course," Julia said. "We'll find a time that's good for all of us. Give it a while to mentally prepare."
"Right. Um, okay then. I look forward to it."
I finished my drink and hugged them both goodbye. It was a weird moment, unsure what kind of hug or handshake or whatever I should give.
As I put my boots on, I turned back and laughed, "This is insane. I can't believe this is going to happen." And here I thought there were no more lines for me to cross.
It was a little while before we were finally able to make it work... and that's a whole other story.
That's a lie, I actually kind of like it. It's not a perfect arrangement, but for now, it's fun.
It started sometime in the New Year when things were definitely, for sure, completely done with Boy-X. Actually that's a lie, it started years ago when I met Chuck at work and started to hit it off with him. The big problem was, and is, that he's married, so as much as we got along, I knew he was off limits. He and his wife Julia make a great couple and I would never want to do anything to stand between them, especially because they have a 16-month-old, an adorable son Tommy.
Anyway. Chuck got promoted out of his department and I was promoted into his, and that came with a bunch of stresses that caused us to lose touch a bit - I had been regularly talking to him when I was in IT but now work didn't bring us much into contact. So we made a point to get a coffee after the Holidays when things quieted down.
Chuck is older, even moreso than I originally was. He's nearly 40, with dignified salt-and-pepper hair. He has a pretty commanding presence that really does something for me, but I always figured I had hidden it. I was actually a little embarrassed to be so attracted to him, because he was such a "man" in the classic sense, that it really brought to mind how unsophisticated the guys I'd dated are, even the ones I really loved. It was intimidating, and having been through what I have, I don't intimidate easily.
So we went for a beverage, and he got me venting about my latest romantic messes, kind of egging me on as I spouted off about how I couldn't meet a solid guy, et cetera et cetera. I had to stop abruptly, redfaced when I realized how long I had been talking without much of a point.
"No, no, it's fine," he said, "This is like TV for me."
"Oh, glad I can entertain!" I laughed.
"So, are you looking to settle down?" he asked.
"I don't know," I sighed, "I look at what my brother has with his wife, or what you have with yours, and I think 'I want that.' But I'm not done having fun yet, either."
"Settling down doesn't necessarily mean the end of fun," he said with a knowing smile.
I cocked an eyebrow, saying I'd take his word for it. "Every guy I meet starts by saying 'I'm not looking to get into anything serious,' which is usually just code for 'I'll screw around with you if I don't have to call you later.' And that would be fine if I was meeting any quality guys, guys I felt were worth the risk of disappointment. But I keep encountering these barely-grown fratboys who I wouldn't ever want to get serious with."
He nodded and I continued, "I'm not saying my next guy has to be my husband. I'm not even saying I want a husband. I just think I should raise my standards. If I can meet a guy who actually already has his shit together, that's one less thing for me to worry about, and it's more of a turn-on."
"You don't mind just having a one-night stand as long as the guy wears a suit to work," he smirked.
"It sounds so shallow when you put it like that!" I said, embarrassed again. Chuck has this way of just calling me out.
"Look, it's okay not to want to settle down," he said. "That just might not be who you are."
I wondered if he was alluding to something with his wife, so I asked if things were okay. "Yeah, they're great," he said, and I decided to trust him.
It was later that night when I started getting some texts from him.
"Okay. This is stupid, and I needed half a bottle of scotch to psych myself into this so sorry if my spelling is a little rough." (It was immaculate.)
He went on. "You asked if things were okay with me and Julia. And they are. But we've been together for a very long time and we had a conversation not that long ago
"About missed opportunities, things we might have done if we hadn't gotten together when we did.
"Jules brought up the idea of being with women. She said she had been on the cusp of her 'experimental phase' in college when we met.
"And maybe neither of us wants to admit it but since Tommy was born there hasn't been a lot going on in the bedroom
"So we started seriously kicking around the idea of a threesome.
"And I immediately thought of you just because you're someone I trust and hold very closely,
"And you've never been shy about pointing out when you think a woman is hot
"Including Julia... so while I don't now I you would be into it I know you're at least pretty confident in yourself and open.
"And unless I've missed my guess you've always seemed to have a little bit of a thing for me.
"Maybe I'm an idiot for asking. If you never want to speak to me again I'll understand."
I couldn't believe my eyes. My jaw just hit the floor with every new text that arrived, until finally I figured he was done. I had to think very long and very carefully about how I wanted to respond. Yes, he was correct that I had an attraction to him - he is everything I've never had in a man: mature, established, confident, really himself... but I was always ashamed of myself for even having a notion of attraction, so I never really pined. But this? Was it something I anted to act on? It seemed fraught with obvious complications.
I finally texted back 20 minutes later, "A threesome isn't going to save your marriage..." I said, careful not to say either yes or no.
The response came back five minutes later. "My marriage isn't in trouble. I just feel like we're in a unique position to make this work, but only if every party is amenable to the terms."
He added, "I love my wife. I want to do this for her."
I sighed and texted back "This is for her, and not for you?"
Not long after, he responded, "It's for me too a little bit, sure. For all of us, if you're in."
I laid back on my bed. "I need time to think about this." My rational side was 100% against it, but my sense of adventure and curiosity - which has done me very well in the years since I became Tori - was pulling me toward it. If nothing else it felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. It had the potential to destroy a very meaningful friendship and/or a marriage. The last thing I wanted to be was the Other Woman, even if the wife was in the same room.
Finally, I said the three of us had to discuss it.
A few days later I went to their place for drinks. I sat at the island in their kitchen while Julia poured three glasses of wine. I nervously looked between the three of them: Jules, Chuck, and Tommy in his playpen.
I paid particular attention to Julia. She's very beautiful, a couple inches taller than me, with a slight frame and long light brown hair. I sensed she was sizing me up, too.
"First, um, thanks a lot for thinking of me for this. If nothing else, it's flattering."
"Thanks for not cursing me out immediately," Chuck laughed.
"Julia," I said, "We don't know each other very well, but Chuck says this is more your idea than his. Is that true? Because if he's just trying to convince you--"
"No, no," Julia said, "Believe me, Chuck knows better than to suggest something like that without me taking the lead. He suggested you, and I felt very comfortable with that."
"Do you mind if I ask why?"
"I feel like I can trust you," she said, "You and Chuck have been friends for a long time, and whenever I see you two together, I never get that... you know, bolt of jealousy sometimes we get when a significant other is close to a member of the opposite sex."
"So if I admit I find your husband very attractive, you won't want to punch me?"
"Well he is," she smiled and looked over at him, trying to hide his face, "And you haven't ever made any kind of move, so... you have character. That's impressive."
"Thank you," I sighed.
"You're very attractive," she said, leaning in to me.
"Um, thanks." Part of me never gets tired of hearing that, so I blushed hard. "So are you."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with a girl like you, if you don't mind me saying."
"If I was going to do this, it would be with Salma Hayek," I joked nervously, "But she's not available."
Julia smiled, "Well, I hope I'm an acceptable substitute."
Julia does not look like Salma Hayek, but she's very pretty. I looked her over again. I thought she was a little hotter when she was still breastfeeding, but I've got my own boobs to play with if I want to. I smiled and told her she was.
"I have one suggestion," I said, "We can discuss this but I feel pretty strongly about it. I really, really don't want this to get out of hand. It's just sex, right?"
"Right," said Chuck quickly. Julia listened intently.
"Well," I said, "I think it's important to set some boundaries. Chuck, we're going to have to limit the amount of time we spend together on our own."
Chuck's mouth was a straight line, his face blank. Julia insisted, "That's not necessary, I trust him."
"It's for my own peace of mind," I said, looking back and forth between them. "Things can change. I'm not saying I'm such a good lay that it might destroy your marriage - although I'm very good, you guys should know that - but you never know what might happen. Chuck, you and I already don't interact much at work anymore, we only really hang out when we make a point to do so. There's not much point in you and I just hanging out together without Julia in this scenario. It's for transparency's sake."
They took a moment to chew it over.
"I don't like the idea of bossing who my husband can and can't see," Julia said with a sigh.
"No, Jules, it's okay," Chuck said. "She makes a good point. I want it all out on the table. If that's our rule, it will work."
"Good," I said, taking a deep breath and sipping my red wine. "Now, I wasn't really thinking of doing this tonight, I'm on my period... do you mind if we hold off for a bit?"
"Of course, of course," Julia said. "We'll find a time that's good for all of us. Give it a while to mentally prepare."
"Right. Um, okay then. I look forward to it."
I finished my drink and hugged them both goodbye. It was a weird moment, unsure what kind of hug or handshake or whatever I should give.
As I put my boots on, I turned back and laughed, "This is insane. I can't believe this is going to happen." And here I thought there were no more lines for me to cross.
It was a little while before we were finally able to make it work... and that's a whole other story.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Bryan: Sighting
I guess it's been a really long time since I've written here.
Obviously there's been a lot of settling down... if Todd and Alia wanted
to talk about it, I figure they would, but basically things are status
quo around here with them and me.
We've even kept the band, Somebody Else, relatively active. No more big tours lately, but even Shelby is back drumming with us when we pull gigs around Toronto. We needed some space and time apart, but in the end not only is she a friend, she's a good drummer for us to work with.
She's been seeing this guy, Roman, for a while. He's this clean cut business major, a really type-a kind of guy, my exact opposite. I'm just a tad bitter about that, but if that's what she's into then I wish her the best. They moved in together and held a housewarming party last weekend, and invited me, Alia and Todd. I went, knowing I was probably going to have a rough night. It was a lot of couples.
Across the party, I spotted a girl who appeared to be single, a pretty brunette with a cute round face, going from conversation to conversation. She must have seen me eyeing her, because she looked twice and smiled, then came over.
She asked how my night was going and I said I'd had worse. I asked how she knew the happy couple, and she said she was Roman's ex, Traci. What a funny coincidence, I said, because I'm Shelby's.
"What are we doing to ourselves?" she laughed at herself a little, and me I guess. "No really, I'm still friends with Roman, and I just needed to get out more. Exam crunch, you know?"
"I remember that... I've been out of University for a while now, been working and traveling." I told her that Shelby and I were in a band and we'd recently toured the States. I didn't mention that it was over a year ago. Still feels pretty recent.
"Another funny coincidence," she said, "Because I'm from there." I could tell she had kind of an accent. The difference between Canadians and Americans is subtle, but you notice it when someone points it out. I guessed based on her accent, "New York?"
"Long Island," she said. She'd moved here with Roman to go to school, and when they broke up, they were both kind of, well, stuck. "But I love your country, everything's so open and clean. I'm glad I stayed."
We made more small talk, which had the tone of flirting, and we must have been noticed since I saw Roman giving us the evil eye once or twice. Around 11, she had to go, she needed to call it an early night and her ride had arrived. I walked her down to the lobby. She gave me her number and we agreed to meet up eventually.
But here's the thing. I caught a glimpse of the person driving the car, a very familiar looking young woman. She rolled down her window to wave Traci over. I think, and I guess I can't be totally certain, but it looked exactly like Julia Di Francesco, the girl that Anne-Marie became while Todd was her and I was Ellie.
Maybe I'm just jumpy, after reading what Tori posted. Whoever's in that body didn't seem to care that I got a clear view of her - I was standing right there, and if they're part of the Agency or whatever, they'd know I would recognize that face. So maybe I'm lucky, and whatever's going on has nothing to do with me or Todd.
But I doubt it. All I know is that at this point in my life, I can't afford NOT to be suspicious of everybody out there. So while a small part of my body is saying to forget her and run away from this mess, I've never been good at listening to that voice. I want to investigate.
I contacted the current Ellie and asked her to tell me everything she knew about everyone involved with the Inn. I e-mailed Tori to tell me if there was anything left to know about these people, if she could find out. You guys, we're going to figure this out.
We've even kept the band, Somebody Else, relatively active. No more big tours lately, but even Shelby is back drumming with us when we pull gigs around Toronto. We needed some space and time apart, but in the end not only is she a friend, she's a good drummer for us to work with.
She's been seeing this guy, Roman, for a while. He's this clean cut business major, a really type-a kind of guy, my exact opposite. I'm just a tad bitter about that, but if that's what she's into then I wish her the best. They moved in together and held a housewarming party last weekend, and invited me, Alia and Todd. I went, knowing I was probably going to have a rough night. It was a lot of couples.
Across the party, I spotted a girl who appeared to be single, a pretty brunette with a cute round face, going from conversation to conversation. She must have seen me eyeing her, because she looked twice and smiled, then came over.
She asked how my night was going and I said I'd had worse. I asked how she knew the happy couple, and she said she was Roman's ex, Traci. What a funny coincidence, I said, because I'm Shelby's.
"What are we doing to ourselves?" she laughed at herself a little, and me I guess. "No really, I'm still friends with Roman, and I just needed to get out more. Exam crunch, you know?"
"I remember that... I've been out of University for a while now, been working and traveling." I told her that Shelby and I were in a band and we'd recently toured the States. I didn't mention that it was over a year ago. Still feels pretty recent.
"Another funny coincidence," she said, "Because I'm from there." I could tell she had kind of an accent. The difference between Canadians and Americans is subtle, but you notice it when someone points it out. I guessed based on her accent, "New York?"
"Long Island," she said. She'd moved here with Roman to go to school, and when they broke up, they were both kind of, well, stuck. "But I love your country, everything's so open and clean. I'm glad I stayed."
We made more small talk, which had the tone of flirting, and we must have been noticed since I saw Roman giving us the evil eye once or twice. Around 11, she had to go, she needed to call it an early night and her ride had arrived. I walked her down to the lobby. She gave me her number and we agreed to meet up eventually.
But here's the thing. I caught a glimpse of the person driving the car, a very familiar looking young woman. She rolled down her window to wave Traci over. I think, and I guess I can't be totally certain, but it looked exactly like Julia Di Francesco, the girl that Anne-Marie became while Todd was her and I was Ellie.
Maybe I'm just jumpy, after reading what Tori posted. Whoever's in that body didn't seem to care that I got a clear view of her - I was standing right there, and if they're part of the Agency or whatever, they'd know I would recognize that face. So maybe I'm lucky, and whatever's going on has nothing to do with me or Todd.
But I doubt it. All I know is that at this point in my life, I can't afford NOT to be suspicious of everybody out there. So while a small part of my body is saying to forget her and run away from this mess, I've never been good at listening to that voice. I want to investigate.
I contacted the current Ellie and asked her to tell me everything she knew about everyone involved with the Inn. I e-mailed Tori to tell me if there was anything left to know about these people, if she could find out. You guys, we're going to figure this out.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Todd: Other People are Mysteries
That's what I've learned about the world since my trip to womanhood and back. I got only a fraction of the wife-mother experience, only a sliver of one woman's life and it opened up all these questions, about all women, about men, about myself. I used to want to understand women, now I don't believe such a thing is really possible. It's hard enough just trying to understand yourself. There are so many things I did when I was Anne-Marie that I don't even know why. But this isn't really about that.
Working over the holidays really got me down. My entire life became the retail world. And I like my job, inasmuch as I can enjoy a wageslave retail gig, talking about movies and music to customers who think I'm out to cheat them because I wear the uniform of a big company. It got fairly ridiculous over the holidays and there wasn't much time for me to think about anything else. I sleepwalked through Christmas with my family and made some very obligatory outings on New Year's. More on that later.
There are these kids that come into the store. I don't mean any specific kids, but it's a type of customer we have, teenagers, usually in the first couple years of high school, 15, maybe 16-year-olds. Usually in small groups of mixed boys and girls, usually it looks like at least one couple in the mix, possible their first relationship. That bums me out for whatever reason, seeing these kids with their lives ahead of them, getting the fun of a new romance for the first time in their lives. I miss that. I've thought I was in love a lot of times, but I only really was once, and she's still in Philadelphia teaching high school English.
Todd the former-woman isn't Todd the CD seller. My life has gone on. Bryan's life has. He's seeing someone, although our hours don't sync up to the point where I've met her yet. Maybe it's not serious but I do hear them fucking ever so subtly in the next room. Good for him. I know he's been in love, or at least he once told me he was, but he wasn't loved back, so he doesn't carry a torch. That is a man who knows how to get on with his life. Or maybe he still thinks of himself as a 15-year-old girl pretending as a man. Like I said, other people are a mystery -- Bryan in particular. He never got back to me about his investigation of Crystal the new Alia, beyond the name tracing to a different, more low-rent suburb of Cleveland. I think it was Cleveland Heights.
I was all super-absorbed with my own depression, and then on December 29th, a woman walks into the store. I was busy with a customer so I only caught her from the corner of my eye, but I sensed a familiar appearance. As soon as I had helped that customer, I turned my attention to this woman. She was about 5'6, dressed elegantly but warmly with a sweater, long coat and scarf, the curve of her beautiful round breasts apparent through the layers. Low rise jeans leaving just a hint of skin bare beneath the waist of her sweater -- it was a warm December in Toronto. Leather boots with low heels. Tan, light-brown skin with long brown hair pulled back demurely, small gold earrings, undecorated lips. Big purse slung over her shoulder. She looks at me uncertainly with her big brown eyes and I look back at her to signal that even though she doesn't recognize me I recognize her and I have to interpret she must have come looking for me.
She guesses, "Todd?" as if it'd be embarrassing to be wrong.
"Ginessa," I smirk, overplaying my confidence in our now-mutual recognition, "Long time no, uh, see." I had absolutely no idea how to react because apart from my sparse conversations with Bryan and my usually off-topic conversations with Alia (either Alia) the Inn has not impinged upon my day-to-day life lately.
She melts in the warmness of the situation and hugs me. "Oh my God I am so glad to see you. I'm so glad I was able to find you. When do you get off work?" It was a couple hours yet. She asked if there was a coffee place nearby where we could meet. Of course there was. This is Toronto.
While I continued to work, she browsed the store. I've never mentioned it by name, but I work in a very large CD/Music/Video Game chain store that does not exist in the States. We also sell books, but only if you like books about music or teenage vampires.
Once I clocked out, I took her down Bay Street to a favourite hole-in-the-wall non-chain coffee place I used to go often with Alia. I asked what she was doing in Toronto, she told me, obviously, she'd come to see me.
I say I haven't had the Inn impinge on my day-to-day life that much. That's true. But of course I haven't left it behind. I have had correspondence with Anne-Marie and Alia and through them I get updates on people like Cliff and the new Kalli and Julia. I have also kept a pen pal relationship with Ginessa, whom you'll no doubt remember was once a man named Mark, although that was a lifetime ago for her. I met her once in person, when I was Anne-Marie, back in March. I liked her, I admired how fully she'd seemed to move past her old life. She'd gotten married, although it was technically a green card marriage, she professed she did love her husband Gavin. Our mutual friend was Darren/Jaime, whom I haven't kept in contact with, not through dislike, but I suspect she probably didn't care for me goofing on her.
Ginessa and I were able to bond despite our differences, though, because we had both given in to certain parts of the change. Hers was permanent, mine wasn't -- I hadn't thought it was when we met, and wasn't distressed. Jaime was still stuck in a place where she couldn't seem to admit it if it was. Ginessa, once an aspiring football star, was now a clubbing, would-be actress wife. And it didn't seem to bother her.
Didn't seem to.
She didn't express a lot of discontent in our infrequent letters. She'd vent about Gavin's particular habits, apparently he's a fussy guy (to be a stage director, I guess you'd have to be) and bemoan what she considered to be a sometimes one-sided sex-life. I wondered whether she missed sex from the male perspective the way I did. The female orgasm is nice, but elusive, and there's something really cool about being "in control." Not that women are never in control. Anything can be both ways, and everything is a mystery, like I've said.
But she didn't run away from her husband because of sex. Not directly. She did it because, after three years of marriage, the fact that they had barely discussed children seemed to be eating away at him. It was clear this wasn't just a marriage of convenience, it was a relationship, and he wanted it all.
"And you?" I asked?
She sighed. "I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. I used to think every woman, deep down, wanted to settle down and have babies, and it was their job to convince the man to go along with it. Now I'm a woman, I'd be the one getting pregnant, giving birth, and the idea is too much for me to handle."
"You've been a woman for years, did you really never think about it?"
"Of course I thought about it. But when Gavin suggested I go off the pill, it got real."
"Do you think this has something to do with... the inn? Your old life?"
She hissed, "I'm not Mark anymore. I don't want to go back to the Inn. I'm done with it. I used to have to repeat that to Jaime-- I used to have to repeat it to myself, even before that."
"I know."
"You never gave up on the idea that you were Todd, though. I like being Ginessa. God, if 20-year-old me heard me saying that, he'd kick my ass... if he wasn't against hitting girls. I just don't want this to change."
"Tell him now isn't the right time."
"I can't do that. Financially, we're amazing. Gavin's union has good benefits. We're in love, the sex is great... well, it's good. I'm hot."
"Yeah, you're hot all right."
"I don't want to be a pregnant lady. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with Gavin. I don't want to raise a kid!"
The more she talked, the more I sensed it actually was about the Inn, but that's just my interpretation. Not that she didn't want to be female, but maybe she felt like if things got too real, she could go back and roll the dice again. A lot of (horribly unprincipled) people seem to use it as an exit strategy to their crappy lives. Ginny's life doesn't seem so crappy. But maybe being an Inn-survivor makes you a bit of a commitment-phobe.
I told her, "Did you know I almost cheated on Hal?"
"What?"
It's true. A few months before Bryan and I went back to the Inn, I met a guy named Jack. Not long after that, Hal's father got sick and for whatever reason he decided to express his stress with excessive fucking. And I went along with it because by that point I had this whole philosophy about putting his needs before my own hang-ups because hey, it's not really my life. But things were getting out of control and I needed something of my own.
I liked Jack, the way a dude admires another dude. The poor guy was heartbroken and he seemed nice, smart, kinda charming. So I sent him Anne-Marie's way -- at the time she was "Julia," struggling to keep the reins on "Kalli." She indulged him in a few dates but as far as I know was not overly into the idea of seeing someone. Since I had a friendly connection to him, he complained to me of his sexual inadequacy. I almost fucked him, just to cheer him up.
I told Ginny that a part of me regretted not doing it, because it would've been at least as honest, if not moreso, than fucking Hal. Hell, it would've been far more honest than fucking Donna. But I didn't, obviously, because I didn't want to fuck up someone else's life.
"But you've got your own life, now," I told her. "This is your life to fuck up. But you can't keep things going. Maybe one of you will relent on the kid thing, or maybe you'll end up divorced. I'm definitely not the one to give you advice."
"I know you're not," she smiled, "That's why I like ya, Todd. You get it."
The issue, of course, was far from resolved, and Ginny is still at my place, crashing on my couch... I have a lot more catching up to do with this blog, so stay tuned. But I've got to go to work right now.
-Todd
Working over the holidays really got me down. My entire life became the retail world. And I like my job, inasmuch as I can enjoy a wageslave retail gig, talking about movies and music to customers who think I'm out to cheat them because I wear the uniform of a big company. It got fairly ridiculous over the holidays and there wasn't much time for me to think about anything else. I sleepwalked through Christmas with my family and made some very obligatory outings on New Year's. More on that later.
There are these kids that come into the store. I don't mean any specific kids, but it's a type of customer we have, teenagers, usually in the first couple years of high school, 15, maybe 16-year-olds. Usually in small groups of mixed boys and girls, usually it looks like at least one couple in the mix, possible their first relationship. That bums me out for whatever reason, seeing these kids with their lives ahead of them, getting the fun of a new romance for the first time in their lives. I miss that. I've thought I was in love a lot of times, but I only really was once, and she's still in Philadelphia teaching high school English.
Todd the former-woman isn't Todd the CD seller. My life has gone on. Bryan's life has. He's seeing someone, although our hours don't sync up to the point where I've met her yet. Maybe it's not serious but I do hear them fucking ever so subtly in the next room. Good for him. I know he's been in love, or at least he once told me he was, but he wasn't loved back, so he doesn't carry a torch. That is a man who knows how to get on with his life. Or maybe he still thinks of himself as a 15-year-old girl pretending as a man. Like I said, other people are a mystery -- Bryan in particular. He never got back to me about his investigation of Crystal the new Alia, beyond the name tracing to a different, more low-rent suburb of Cleveland. I think it was Cleveland Heights.
I was all super-absorbed with my own depression, and then on December 29th, a woman walks into the store. I was busy with a customer so I only caught her from the corner of my eye, but I sensed a familiar appearance. As soon as I had helped that customer, I turned my attention to this woman. She was about 5'6, dressed elegantly but warmly with a sweater, long coat and scarf, the curve of her beautiful round breasts apparent through the layers. Low rise jeans leaving just a hint of skin bare beneath the waist of her sweater -- it was a warm December in Toronto. Leather boots with low heels. Tan, light-brown skin with long brown hair pulled back demurely, small gold earrings, undecorated lips. Big purse slung over her shoulder. She looks at me uncertainly with her big brown eyes and I look back at her to signal that even though she doesn't recognize me I recognize her and I have to interpret she must have come looking for me.
She guesses, "Todd?" as if it'd be embarrassing to be wrong.
"Ginessa," I smirk, overplaying my confidence in our now-mutual recognition, "Long time no, uh, see." I had absolutely no idea how to react because apart from my sparse conversations with Bryan and my usually off-topic conversations with Alia (either Alia) the Inn has not impinged upon my day-to-day life lately.
She melts in the warmness of the situation and hugs me. "Oh my God I am so glad to see you. I'm so glad I was able to find you. When do you get off work?" It was a couple hours yet. She asked if there was a coffee place nearby where we could meet. Of course there was. This is Toronto.
While I continued to work, she browsed the store. I've never mentioned it by name, but I work in a very large CD/Music/Video Game chain store that does not exist in the States. We also sell books, but only if you like books about music or teenage vampires.
Once I clocked out, I took her down Bay Street to a favourite hole-in-the-wall non-chain coffee place I used to go often with Alia. I asked what she was doing in Toronto, she told me, obviously, she'd come to see me.
I say I haven't had the Inn impinge on my day-to-day life that much. That's true. But of course I haven't left it behind. I have had correspondence with Anne-Marie and Alia and through them I get updates on people like Cliff and the new Kalli and Julia. I have also kept a pen pal relationship with Ginessa, whom you'll no doubt remember was once a man named Mark, although that was a lifetime ago for her. I met her once in person, when I was Anne-Marie, back in March. I liked her, I admired how fully she'd seemed to move past her old life. She'd gotten married, although it was technically a green card marriage, she professed she did love her husband Gavin. Our mutual friend was Darren/Jaime, whom I haven't kept in contact with, not through dislike, but I suspect she probably didn't care for me goofing on her.
Ginessa and I were able to bond despite our differences, though, because we had both given in to certain parts of the change. Hers was permanent, mine wasn't -- I hadn't thought it was when we met, and wasn't distressed. Jaime was still stuck in a place where she couldn't seem to admit it if it was. Ginessa, once an aspiring football star, was now a clubbing, would-be actress wife. And it didn't seem to bother her.
Didn't seem to.
She didn't express a lot of discontent in our infrequent letters. She'd vent about Gavin's particular habits, apparently he's a fussy guy (to be a stage director, I guess you'd have to be) and bemoan what she considered to be a sometimes one-sided sex-life. I wondered whether she missed sex from the male perspective the way I did. The female orgasm is nice, but elusive, and there's something really cool about being "in control." Not that women are never in control. Anything can be both ways, and everything is a mystery, like I've said.
But she didn't run away from her husband because of sex. Not directly. She did it because, after three years of marriage, the fact that they had barely discussed children seemed to be eating away at him. It was clear this wasn't just a marriage of convenience, it was a relationship, and he wanted it all.
"And you?" I asked?
She sighed. "I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I ever did. I used to think every woman, deep down, wanted to settle down and have babies, and it was their job to convince the man to go along with it. Now I'm a woman, I'd be the one getting pregnant, giving birth, and the idea is too much for me to handle."
"You've been a woman for years, did you really never think about it?"
"Of course I thought about it. But when Gavin suggested I go off the pill, it got real."
"Do you think this has something to do with... the inn? Your old life?"
She hissed, "I'm not Mark anymore. I don't want to go back to the Inn. I'm done with it. I used to have to repeat that to Jaime-- I used to have to repeat it to myself, even before that."
"I know."
"You never gave up on the idea that you were Todd, though. I like being Ginessa. God, if 20-year-old me heard me saying that, he'd kick my ass... if he wasn't against hitting girls. I just don't want this to change."
"Tell him now isn't the right time."
"I can't do that. Financially, we're amazing. Gavin's union has good benefits. We're in love, the sex is great... well, it's good. I'm hot."
"Yeah, you're hot all right."
"I don't want to be a pregnant lady. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with Gavin. I don't want to raise a kid!"
The more she talked, the more I sensed it actually was about the Inn, but that's just my interpretation. Not that she didn't want to be female, but maybe she felt like if things got too real, she could go back and roll the dice again. A lot of (horribly unprincipled) people seem to use it as an exit strategy to their crappy lives. Ginny's life doesn't seem so crappy. But maybe being an Inn-survivor makes you a bit of a commitment-phobe.
I told her, "Did you know I almost cheated on Hal?"
"What?"
It's true. A few months before Bryan and I went back to the Inn, I met a guy named Jack. Not long after that, Hal's father got sick and for whatever reason he decided to express his stress with excessive fucking. And I went along with it because by that point I had this whole philosophy about putting his needs before my own hang-ups because hey, it's not really my life. But things were getting out of control and I needed something of my own.
I liked Jack, the way a dude admires another dude. The poor guy was heartbroken and he seemed nice, smart, kinda charming. So I sent him Anne-Marie's way -- at the time she was "Julia," struggling to keep the reins on "Kalli." She indulged him in a few dates but as far as I know was not overly into the idea of seeing someone. Since I had a friendly connection to him, he complained to me of his sexual inadequacy. I almost fucked him, just to cheer him up.
I told Ginny that a part of me regretted not doing it, because it would've been at least as honest, if not moreso, than fucking Hal. Hell, it would've been far more honest than fucking Donna. But I didn't, obviously, because I didn't want to fuck up someone else's life.
"But you've got your own life, now," I told her. "This is your life to fuck up. But you can't keep things going. Maybe one of you will relent on the kid thing, or maybe you'll end up divorced. I'm definitely not the one to give you advice."
"I know you're not," she smiled, "That's why I like ya, Todd. You get it."
The issue, of course, was far from resolved, and Ginny is still at my place, crashing on my couch... I have a lot more catching up to do with this blog, so stay tuned. But I've got to go to work right now.
-Todd
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Meet the Johnsons
Julia's message, as "Ken Johnson" was vague about who exactly "Ken Johnson" was, perhaps deliberately. Maybe she had explained in an earlier, now lost, e-mail, or perhaps she just didn't want to come out with it. It stood to reason Ken's a guy and maybe Julia finds that embarrassing. In any case, in my message to her I was upfront about wanting to know her situation, as it relates to our plans.
I have somewhat mixed feelings about the response I got. I was considering just posting the letter in its complete form here and letting you be the judges, but this is somewhat personal stuff and she never said I could, per se, so I'll just tell you what I think I can get away with.
On their Maine trip, which would've been mid/late-June 2008, Julia and Kalli awoke in the bodies of Ken and Sasha Johnson. When I heard those names I thought 'married couple' but no. Ken and Sasha were 16-year-old fraternal twins. How they arrived at the Trading Post is a story that makes me want to rant a fair bit.
Moving from Upstate New York to Washington, the Johnsons parked their kids with their Grandparents in Maine while everything got settled with their new home. Apparently Ken and Sasha weren't the most... well-behaved teens, and began raising hell pretty much immediately. Exhausted by the kids' late nights, rebellious behaviour and drinking/drug use (sheesh this sounds familiar) they offered the opportunity to pay for the kids' stay at, you guessed it, the Trading Post, where they will be trusted to look after themselves and free to basically raise hell.
Now here's where a red flag goes up for me. Every so often, after I was transformed, I wondered if maybe someone haddone this to me on purpose. Alia's parents, who were supposed to stay at the Inn, didn't care much for me, and I'd done a lot to push her to the brink over the years too. What if one of them knew the secret? What if someone planned to change me?? On occasion I've let paranoia creep in and entertained those thoughts, but I never really figured it was all that likely. But this? Come on, Grandpa and Grandma Johnson. I've got no proof but out of all the motels and lodges nearby, why this?
So not long after discovering their new bodies (a new gender for Julia, a new race for Kalli,) they were brought "home" by their new grandparents, who insisted there was nothing amiss with them. Not long after, they were shipped out to Washington, where they started high school again.
So the status report is this. They can't make it back out to Maine, because they have no way to get here. They also don't know the whereabouts of the old Ken and Sasha, who barely wrote anything in the way of notes, forcing them to figure everything out on the go. Lastly, they don't seem to want to come back, which also bothers me a little. I can understand to some degree if your body's been stolen, like Ashlyn or Art, or if someone's made it impossible, but Anne-Marie and Ellie are going back, and it looks like there will be a new Julia and Kalli this summer, which is a shame.
"Ken" says to me, they never really gave much thought to whether they could come back or how they might do it. They just went along with it, and apparently they made for better Johnsons than the old Ken and Sasha did. They are appreciating high school more than most teenagers do (and probably having less of a crisis than Bry is) and "Ken" didn't even mention whether he'd found it difficult to adapt to boyhood.
Of course I wonder whether a new reservation is even possible this close to the trip, I don't even know. I guess I just wanted everything to get back in its place. Maybe after a year some pieces just don't fit.
Well, if Ken and Sasha are fine with their new lives, then I guess good for them. I've got bigger fish to fry. (Literally, we're having seafood tonight and I should get cooking.)
-Todd/Anne-Marie
I have somewhat mixed feelings about the response I got. I was considering just posting the letter in its complete form here and letting you be the judges, but this is somewhat personal stuff and she never said I could, per se, so I'll just tell you what I think I can get away with.
On their Maine trip, which would've been mid/late-June 2008, Julia and Kalli awoke in the bodies of Ken and Sasha Johnson. When I heard those names I thought 'married couple' but no. Ken and Sasha were 16-year-old fraternal twins. How they arrived at the Trading Post is a story that makes me want to rant a fair bit.
Moving from Upstate New York to Washington, the Johnsons parked their kids with their Grandparents in Maine while everything got settled with their new home. Apparently Ken and Sasha weren't the most... well-behaved teens, and began raising hell pretty much immediately. Exhausted by the kids' late nights, rebellious behaviour and drinking/drug use (sheesh this sounds familiar) they offered the opportunity to pay for the kids' stay at, you guessed it, the Trading Post, where they will be trusted to look after themselves and free to basically raise hell.
Now here's where a red flag goes up for me. Every so often, after I was transformed, I wondered if maybe someone haddone this to me on purpose. Alia's parents, who were supposed to stay at the Inn, didn't care much for me, and I'd done a lot to push her to the brink over the years too. What if one of them knew the secret? What if someone planned to change me?? On occasion I've let paranoia creep in and entertained those thoughts, but I never really figured it was all that likely. But this? Come on, Grandpa and Grandma Johnson. I've got no proof but out of all the motels and lodges nearby, why this?
So not long after discovering their new bodies (a new gender for Julia, a new race for Kalli,) they were brought "home" by their new grandparents, who insisted there was nothing amiss with them. Not long after, they were shipped out to Washington, where they started high school again.
So the status report is this. They can't make it back out to Maine, because they have no way to get here. They also don't know the whereabouts of the old Ken and Sasha, who barely wrote anything in the way of notes, forcing them to figure everything out on the go. Lastly, they don't seem to want to come back, which also bothers me a little. I can understand to some degree if your body's been stolen, like Ashlyn or Art, or if someone's made it impossible, but Anne-Marie and Ellie are going back, and it looks like there will be a new Julia and Kalli this summer, which is a shame.
"Ken" says to me, they never really gave much thought to whether they could come back or how they might do it. They just went along with it, and apparently they made for better Johnsons than the old Ken and Sasha did. They are appreciating high school more than most teenagers do (and probably having less of a crisis than Bry is) and "Ken" didn't even mention whether he'd found it difficult to adapt to boyhood.
Of course I wonder whether a new reservation is even possible this close to the trip, I don't even know. I guess I just wanted everything to get back in its place. Maybe after a year some pieces just don't fit.
Well, if Ken and Sasha are fine with their new lives, then I guess good for them. I've got bigger fish to fry. (Literally, we're having seafood tonight and I should get cooking.)
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Get back to where you once belonged
So on the evening of Bry's last day of Grade 9, Friday June 19th, we are going back to the Inn. I've known this for months. I'm really excited about it. But every time I look over at that date on the calendar, I feel a twinge in the pit of my stomach. I get reminded it's still a month away, and as awesome as it's going to be to stand 6' tall and grow facial hair again, there are still things going on in Anne-Marie's life that require my attention.
Hayley's cold lasted longer than we thought. She seemed well enough to come along to the zoo last weekend but it flared up again afterward. Then I realized it wasn't a cold at all, but allergies. So I had to take her to be tested, and then convince her it wasn't so bad to get shots, which was a difficult conversation. Then on top of all that stress I had to swing by the drug store for some Midol, because, well, goddamn.
It was there, while Hayley was off browsing the magazine rack, that I ran into Donna. Every so often I remember the last major conversation I had with her and it gets me mad, so you can imagine how I was feeling on this occasion. She started browsing the menstrual aids as well. I was hoping to ignore her when she struck up a conversation.
"Menopause can't come soon enough," she says.
I glared at her. She looked over and smirked at me. I grumbled, "I won't be around for it, thankfully."
She snorts, "How could I forget? After the scene you made at my place. You've made it quite clear you mean to go back wherever you came from. Kansas?"
"Canada. Is there something you want from me?"
She reminds me about her offer. "I don't know why you hate me, Anne-Marie. I don't know why you avoid me and why I have to stalk you in the drug store just to have a chat. We have something in common, we just don't have the same opinion about it."
"Why don't you just tell me who you were?" I ask.
"Why do you care? Why does it matter?"
I didn't even have an answer for that. I just assumed it was quid pro quo when I told her my story.
She came in closer and gave me something of a death glare. "When you came back, and I realized what you were... it brought up so much emotion. So much guilt. You have no idea. For the first time in decades I feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I don't like that." Just like a woman, making me feel like the bad guy. "But what's done is done, and if you want to know, you know what to give me in return."
I told her I remembered. She wanted sex. I excused myself to the checkout and asked Hayley if she'd rather I buy her a Motorcycle Mag or Guns & Ammo. She laughed and handed me a copy of InTouch.
Every time I talk to Donna it really gets my nerves up. She has a real attitude about her past that is troubling for me and only makes me want to know more about her, which of course comes with a premium. I'm wondering whether I really have to do this, to wrap up the question of Donna's identity once and for all.
Of course, some mysteries are easier to solve...
Last Sunday, when I was at "Julia's" place, I was there to do more than deliver a simple Happy Mother's Day message. I had a hunch I wanted to follow up. I didn't want to talk about it until it was resolved, but I might as well bring it up to clear my mind.
Sometime ago Anne-Marie and Ellie admitted they really hadn't been in touch with the original Julia and Kalli. I found this troubling because in arranging all these return trips, I feel it would be awesome if everything could just be wrapped up nicely. Unfortunately, the only info they could provide was the last name "Johnson" and a mention of Washington State. Apparently they just didn't see fit to include all this info in their original letters. I figured it was one of two things. Either it didn't occur to them to provide this in the event a return was possible, or they didn't want a return at all. The paranoid dude in me was thinking the latter.
That said, my hunch was this: if Julia and Kalli wanted to come back, they probably would have e-mailed Anne and/or Ellie at some point. Maybe. It's been almost a year, though, and if nothing had turned up in the Inbox yet, chances are it wasn't going to.
So when I hopped on "Julia's" computer and checked her Spam folder, I damn near shouted out "Eureka!" Sitting right on the cusp of the 30-day deletion cycle was an early-April message from Ken Johnson.
The writer, the original Julia, basically went on a tirade about how mad she was none of the previous e-mails had been responded to, but that didn't mean she was going to give up. That even if there was no way back, she still felt she was owed some acknowledgment that her life was in good hands. (My summary, not her words exactly.)
I noted down her e-mail address and headed home, trying to mentally draft a response. After a couple days I had it all written out.
I explained who I was, and why none of "Ken's" letters had reached "Julia." I told her she didn't have to worry about her body's status, she was safe and gainfully employed in Connecticut. The good news, I said, is that changing back is possible, all you need to do is be in Maine at the right time in the right room. I said I hoped to hear back from her soon, and gave the address to the Blog.
I have yet to get a response, but I will let you know when I've got it, if I feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully, we can get these people into the proper room, but one step at a time...
That's all for tonight.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Hayley's cold lasted longer than we thought. She seemed well enough to come along to the zoo last weekend but it flared up again afterward. Then I realized it wasn't a cold at all, but allergies. So I had to take her to be tested, and then convince her it wasn't so bad to get shots, which was a difficult conversation. Then on top of all that stress I had to swing by the drug store for some Midol, because, well, goddamn.
It was there, while Hayley was off browsing the magazine rack, that I ran into Donna. Every so often I remember the last major conversation I had with her and it gets me mad, so you can imagine how I was feeling on this occasion. She started browsing the menstrual aids as well. I was hoping to ignore her when she struck up a conversation.
"Menopause can't come soon enough," she says.
I glared at her. She looked over and smirked at me. I grumbled, "I won't be around for it, thankfully."
She snorts, "How could I forget? After the scene you made at my place. You've made it quite clear you mean to go back wherever you came from. Kansas?"
"Canada. Is there something you want from me?"
She reminds me about her offer. "I don't know why you hate me, Anne-Marie. I don't know why you avoid me and why I have to stalk you in the drug store just to have a chat. We have something in common, we just don't have the same opinion about it."
"Why don't you just tell me who you were?" I ask.
"Why do you care? Why does it matter?"
I didn't even have an answer for that. I just assumed it was quid pro quo when I told her my story.
She came in closer and gave me something of a death glare. "When you came back, and I realized what you were... it brought up so much emotion. So much guilt. You have no idea. For the first time in decades I feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I don't like that." Just like a woman, making me feel like the bad guy. "But what's done is done, and if you want to know, you know what to give me in return."
I told her I remembered. She wanted sex. I excused myself to the checkout and asked Hayley if she'd rather I buy her a Motorcycle Mag or Guns & Ammo. She laughed and handed me a copy of InTouch.
Every time I talk to Donna it really gets my nerves up. She has a real attitude about her past that is troubling for me and only makes me want to know more about her, which of course comes with a premium. I'm wondering whether I really have to do this, to wrap up the question of Donna's identity once and for all.
Of course, some mysteries are easier to solve...
Last Sunday, when I was at "Julia's" place, I was there to do more than deliver a simple Happy Mother's Day message. I had a hunch I wanted to follow up. I didn't want to talk about it until it was resolved, but I might as well bring it up to clear my mind.
Sometime ago Anne-Marie and Ellie admitted they really hadn't been in touch with the original Julia and Kalli. I found this troubling because in arranging all these return trips, I feel it would be awesome if everything could just be wrapped up nicely. Unfortunately, the only info they could provide was the last name "Johnson" and a mention of Washington State. Apparently they just didn't see fit to include all this info in their original letters. I figured it was one of two things. Either it didn't occur to them to provide this in the event a return was possible, or they didn't want a return at all. The paranoid dude in me was thinking the latter.
That said, my hunch was this: if Julia and Kalli wanted to come back, they probably would have e-mailed Anne and/or Ellie at some point. Maybe. It's been almost a year, though, and if nothing had turned up in the Inbox yet, chances are it wasn't going to.
So when I hopped on "Julia's" computer and checked her Spam folder, I damn near shouted out "Eureka!" Sitting right on the cusp of the 30-day deletion cycle was an early-April message from Ken Johnson.
The writer, the original Julia, basically went on a tirade about how mad she was none of the previous e-mails had been responded to, but that didn't mean she was going to give up. That even if there was no way back, she still felt she was owed some acknowledgment that her life was in good hands. (My summary, not her words exactly.)
I noted down her e-mail address and headed home, trying to mentally draft a response. After a couple days I had it all written out.
I explained who I was, and why none of "Ken's" letters had reached "Julia." I told her she didn't have to worry about her body's status, she was safe and gainfully employed in Connecticut. The good news, I said, is that changing back is possible, all you need to do is be in Maine at the right time in the right room. I said I hoped to hear back from her soon, and gave the address to the Blog.
I have yet to get a response, but I will let you know when I've got it, if I feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully, we can get these people into the proper room, but one step at a time...
That's all for tonight.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Monday, May 11, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Mother's Day
My first and hopefully last Mother's Day as a mom. It was a... surreal experience. The family really made an effort to keep the focus on me, which I'm not only not used to, but actively try to avoid. I was prepared to get some attention today but wasn't sure how it would manifest itself.
In the morning I was given a few cards by the kids and some flowers by Hal. I don't really know what to do with them, but they're in water for now until they die. It was a gorgeous day, and we went out, with Hal's mother Lucille, to the Beardsley Zoo. It was nice, and reminds me of some old times I used to have with Bryan. We were kicked out of the Metro Toronto Zoo because apparently they don't like people walking around high and taunting Macaws. Anyway, this was a fun day too... Connor really entertained me by doing funny impressions or making up facts about basically every animal we saw. He's a real crack-up.
Anyway, Lucille took some time to speak with me. I didn't want to mention, you know, how sad it must be to be without her husband, and she had another topic in mind. She said I had to find a way to end this rivalry with Trudy. She said she understood that her daughter could be difficult and that the situation was largely not my fault, but it hurt her to see the two of us sniping so much. I told her I'd do what I could and asked if she would have the same talk with Trudy. Lucille sighed and said she loved her daughter and was proud of all she accomplished, but that she was not a people person, and not much of a "forgive and forgetter." Well it's nice to know Lucille's sympathies lie with me.
After dinner - a somewhat embarrassing display by Hal that made me a little more proud of what I've learned to do in the past nine months - I excused myself to run some errands. Hal insisted, "No sweetie, you're not running any errands today, let me do it." Using a bit of quick wit, I simply leaned in close and told him I needed to by more feminine hygiene products. He backed off. I get a kick out of how squeamish men are about this kind of stuff, because that totally used to be me. Most of us simply do not have the time or inclination to learn the facts about a woman's body, because it might ruin the mystique. In a way, I'm worried it has for me, but knowing a bit more about how to use the equipment will probably up my skill level once I get back to the home team.
The errand of course had nothing to do with Tampax, but was a visit out to "Julia and Kalli's" place. I had gotten a little card for Anne-Marie, because I feel guilty she doesn't get to spend this time with her family. She claimed not to have much time to talk, and when I asked why, I heard the toilet flush. She jumped, more than she would have if it were just "Kalli." Waiting to see who was about to emerge from that washroom put me on edge.
It was Jack, the guy I'd met at the supermarket and passed along to Julia. Julia asked to meet him down by the car, we'd only be a little while longer.
I don't know why I was so shocked. Like I said, I introduced them (more or less) but I guess I was just expecting "Julia" to say "Thanks but not thanks." She had a distinct look of guilt on her face. I didn't know what to think. So I just asked for an explanation. She was reluctant, but I assured her I wouldn't judge.
She said, "When I found out Ellie was getting serious with that Todd Jones boy, I got really nervous about what might happen. So it started as a reason for me to... tag along. To double date. I haven't been single in so long, I just thought it was so thrilling to have a boy looking at me like that."
With some reluctance I asked, "Have you two... hooked up?"
"Todd I don't know if that's really your business."
I twisted my lips uncomfortably. "Well maybe, but Anne... I've been having sex with your husband for three months now. Like I said I'm really not here to judge you, I just need to know where you stand."
She sighed. "We haven't yet. We've been taking it slow because he just got out of his relationship and I... I still love my husband, Todd, I want you to remember that."
"I know."
She continued, "But I've been thinking about it. I've been trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, if I want to... and part of me does, wants to be this woman. But every time we get close, I just... I haven't gone through with it yet. I don't know if I will."
I ran my fingers through my hair and adjusted my bra, a nervous habit. "Well I can't speak for Ellie, but I won't judge you if you take advantage of this situation. I'm doing what I'm doing... and I know what I would want Deb to be doing in my body if I could make her. So I couldn't blame you. But Anne-Marie... don't lead the guy on. This is like Bryan with his girlfriend, except right now we don't know who's going to be Julia in a few months. It could be a 40-year-old dude, or a kid. It's not fair to saddle someone with a relationship like this. If you can avoid it."
She looked down at the floor.
"But look. That's going to happen anyway, I figure. Just go easy on him, and please, please try to make sure this, these feelings, aren't something you bring back from Maine with you."
It was maybe not the best advice in the world. Again, even before all this I had a pretty messed up view of right and wrong in relationships, and this has just opened up all these scary new opportunities, but like I said, I can't personally judge Anne-Marie one way or the other.
Anyway, then I went home, and had pleasant but routine Mother's Day sex with Hal. I tried to enjoy it, but I think after the talk with Anne-Marie, my heart really wasn't in it. I went to bed feeling guilty... even though all this time, I haven't even really been in charge of the decisions I've been making, for good or bad.
I'm starting to think the worst part of this, for me, has been the feeling of not being in control of my own life. Some days I just wanna do something public and drastic and out of character for Anne-Marie just to see if anyone would notice. But no, it's only a month and a half until Bry and I go back. I've been nothing but a placeholder, a substitute, a bookmark for Anne-Marie this entire time. Why would I end that now?
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Oh yeah, and Bry sent me this.
In the morning I was given a few cards by the kids and some flowers by Hal. I don't really know what to do with them, but they're in water for now until they die. It was a gorgeous day, and we went out, with Hal's mother Lucille, to the Beardsley Zoo. It was nice, and reminds me of some old times I used to have with Bryan. We were kicked out of the Metro Toronto Zoo because apparently they don't like people walking around high and taunting Macaws. Anyway, this was a fun day too... Connor really entertained me by doing funny impressions or making up facts about basically every animal we saw. He's a real crack-up.
Anyway, Lucille took some time to speak with me. I didn't want to mention, you know, how sad it must be to be without her husband, and she had another topic in mind. She said I had to find a way to end this rivalry with Trudy. She said she understood that her daughter could be difficult and that the situation was largely not my fault, but it hurt her to see the two of us sniping so much. I told her I'd do what I could and asked if she would have the same talk with Trudy. Lucille sighed and said she loved her daughter and was proud of all she accomplished, but that she was not a people person, and not much of a "forgive and forgetter." Well it's nice to know Lucille's sympathies lie with me.
After dinner - a somewhat embarrassing display by Hal that made me a little more proud of what I've learned to do in the past nine months - I excused myself to run some errands. Hal insisted, "No sweetie, you're not running any errands today, let me do it." Using a bit of quick wit, I simply leaned in close and told him I needed to by more feminine hygiene products. He backed off. I get a kick out of how squeamish men are about this kind of stuff, because that totally used to be me. Most of us simply do not have the time or inclination to learn the facts about a woman's body, because it might ruin the mystique. In a way, I'm worried it has for me, but knowing a bit more about how to use the equipment will probably up my skill level once I get back to the home team.
The errand of course had nothing to do with Tampax, but was a visit out to "Julia and Kalli's" place. I had gotten a little card for Anne-Marie, because I feel guilty she doesn't get to spend this time with her family. She claimed not to have much time to talk, and when I asked why, I heard the toilet flush. She jumped, more than she would have if it were just "Kalli." Waiting to see who was about to emerge from that washroom put me on edge.
It was Jack, the guy I'd met at the supermarket and passed along to Julia. Julia asked to meet him down by the car, we'd only be a little while longer.
I don't know why I was so shocked. Like I said, I introduced them (more or less) but I guess I was just expecting "Julia" to say "Thanks but not thanks." She had a distinct look of guilt on her face. I didn't know what to think. So I just asked for an explanation. She was reluctant, but I assured her I wouldn't judge.
She said, "When I found out Ellie was getting serious with that Todd Jones boy, I got really nervous about what might happen. So it started as a reason for me to... tag along. To double date. I haven't been single in so long, I just thought it was so thrilling to have a boy looking at me like that."
With some reluctance I asked, "Have you two... hooked up?"
"Todd I don't know if that's really your business."
I twisted my lips uncomfortably. "Well maybe, but Anne... I've been having sex with your husband for three months now. Like I said I'm really not here to judge you, I just need to know where you stand."
She sighed. "We haven't yet. We've been taking it slow because he just got out of his relationship and I... I still love my husband, Todd, I want you to remember that."
"I know."
She continued, "But I've been thinking about it. I've been trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, if I want to... and part of me does, wants to be this woman. But every time we get close, I just... I haven't gone through with it yet. I don't know if I will."
I ran my fingers through my hair and adjusted my bra, a nervous habit. "Well I can't speak for Ellie, but I won't judge you if you take advantage of this situation. I'm doing what I'm doing... and I know what I would want Deb to be doing in my body if I could make her. So I couldn't blame you. But Anne-Marie... don't lead the guy on. This is like Bryan with his girlfriend, except right now we don't know who's going to be Julia in a few months. It could be a 40-year-old dude, or a kid. It's not fair to saddle someone with a relationship like this. If you can avoid it."
She looked down at the floor.
"But look. That's going to happen anyway, I figure. Just go easy on him, and please, please try to make sure this, these feelings, aren't something you bring back from Maine with you."
It was maybe not the best advice in the world. Again, even before all this I had a pretty messed up view of right and wrong in relationships, and this has just opened up all these scary new opportunities, but like I said, I can't personally judge Anne-Marie one way or the other.
Anyway, then I went home, and had pleasant but routine Mother's Day sex with Hal. I tried to enjoy it, but I think after the talk with Anne-Marie, my heart really wasn't in it. I went to bed feeling guilty... even though all this time, I haven't even really been in charge of the decisions I've been making, for good or bad.
I'm starting to think the worst part of this, for me, has been the feeling of not being in control of my own life. Some days I just wanna do something public and drastic and out of character for Anne-Marie just to see if anyone would notice. But no, it's only a month and a half until Bry and I go back. I've been nothing but a placeholder, a substitute, a bookmark for Anne-Marie this entire time. Why would I end that now?
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Oh yeah, and Bry sent me this.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Loose threads.
As much as I feel like I know a lot about the people who came before me on this blog, I haven't interacted with many of them directly. So I feel like it would be out of line asking Jessica, a former professional detective, to help me seek out the original Julia and Kalli. I figure from her road trip stories she'd probably be good at it, maybe even dig it, but she's probably real busy with school these days. What troubles me is that I got so focused on undoing all the mischief of the Inn - not just to me, but to everyone - that I can't seem to accept the fact that they probably aren't going to appear anytime soon. So this means Julia and Kalli will have a couple new tenants in their bodies, even if all goes as planned.
Anyway, it'd be a big help for my own curiosity at least, to find these people and be able to say what's happening one way or the other. The investigative skills I learned in journalism are probably neolithic compared to the ones she learned as a cop. But here's what I've got.
to the best of my knowledge, Julia and Kalli are currently in Washington state under the surname Johnson. Now for starters, I can't go searching through through the Washington phone directory looking for all the Johnsons, even if I knew what town they were in, which I don't. Being on the other side of the country probably suggests they won't be making it out to Maine anytime soon, which means they're probably going to fall into that "forced to stay put and accept" category I've been working so hard to stay out of.
Which is what brings me to my next loose thread. Donna Hayes, my evil little enabler down the block. She was so intent that I not go back to Maine, but by the time I returned from New York she couldn't wait to hear me out.
With a fair bit of reluctance I found myself back in her kitchen, drinking her tea.
I told her, "If you want to save some time, there's a blog where some of us write. Maybe you could even... pitch something in?"
She pursed her lips and cocked her eyebrows. "Is that one of those internet websites? I don't know much about that," she smiled dismissively. "I'm so behind the times. Why don't you just tell me your story yourself."
"Okay then," I began, searching my mind for the right opening line. "I don't know if it's occurred to you how random the inn's transformations can be. Sometimes people gain a few years, sometimes they lose them. Sometimes they change race. And sometimes - shockingly frequently - it changes their sex."
I let it sit there for a moment. She nodded insistently. "Go on."
I couldn't believe she seemed so interested in what I was saying. So I continued. "My name is Todd Casey. I'm a 24-year-old man from Toronto, Ontario. Canada."
"You don't say." She didn't seem all that shocked.
"I woke up last summer in the body of your friend Anne-Marie. Until then I'd been poor, a freeloader, a slacker. I was comfortable being lazy. And now that I live a life where everything is given to me, and I can afford to be lazy... I hate it. All this luxury, it comes with dependence on Anne-Marie's husband. As crazy as it sounds, this entire experience has made me want to change my life - as soon as I get back to it. Taught me not to coast, that I should make something of myself, because back in Canada, I don't have someone to bring home the bacon for me."
She seemed confused, "So why don't you stay?"
"This might be hard for you to understand, Donna, but I don't enjoy being a woman. I don't enjoy being a wife or a mother or a homemaker or a soccer mom or whatever Anne-Marie is. Whatever I look like, that's what I'm not. And I need to go back to being what I am."
"A 'slacker'?"
"A man. An independent man."
"Well, if that's the way you feel - Todd, was it? - I wish you luck. I know now that I can't change your mind. Maybe if you lived as long as I have you'd see it form my perspective, but you've made up your mind and I respect that."
"Lived as long as you have?" I stood up, "Lady, you won't even tell me your real name or where you're from. How am I supposed to take your word for it?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Come back when you've done your little change. Come back when you're you again and I'll tell you. I'll tell you on one condition."
"What's that? Are you extorting me? You're way richer than me--!"
"No, I don't want money." She sipped, "I want to meet you. The real you. This Todd person you claim to be."
"Why?"
She paused a while, her face fading up in blush as she smiled evilly. "I want you to make love to me."
I gagged a little. I don't know why - I've had worse - but the fact that she was suddenly using my curiosity about her background to cheat on her husband was utterly disgusting.
"Forget it," I grumbled, walking out.
"What's the problem, Todd? Am I too much woman for you now? Rather wrap yourself around Hal's big, thick--"
"That's enough!" I shrieked. "I have fucked for a lot of reasons. Love. Gratitude. Revenge. Even one time - just once - money. But this is just sick. Why? Why do you want this? What is your purpose lady? Are you just messing with my head? You're a fucking bitch." I really laid into her. "You're insane and I'm leaving."
As I was slipping on my shoes, I heard an unnerving sound. Sobbing. I whispered, "Oh brother," to myself and turned. "What's wrong?"
"You want to know why? Because I'm an outcast, Anne-Marie." I wished she wouldn't call me that. "How long I've spent trying to build up this life, and tricking myself into believing these people knew me, liked me for who I am inside, not how much I'm worth. My husband married me so my daddy - sorry, Donna's daddy - would make him vice president. Now he's gone all the time. I'd divorce him, but we had a pre-nup and I'd get nothing. I'd be ruined, Anne-Marie, so I have to stay in this loveless goddamn marriage with a man who fucks around all week long in New York City while I stay at home and watch Soaps. This sounds sick, I know, but you're the closest thing I've had to a real friend in years, and I only realized it because you reminded me that I don't belong here. So go. Leave. I know I can't."
I didn't know what to make of it. If it was an act, it was Oscar-worthy. I felt really ill in my stomach at her words.
I thought it over. Maybe I could use a little practice before returning to Alia. Maybe I could convince Bryan to go in my place. It wasn't even about learning the truth as it was... pity. I felt sorry for this sad woman whose life has clearly not been satisfying, no matter where she came from. Goddamnit she was persuasive.
All I said was a muttered, "We'll talk about it later." And I left.
So that's the way things stand.
The sooner I can leave the Inn behind the better. It's brought out the worst in a lot of people.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Anyway, it'd be a big help for my own curiosity at least, to find these people and be able to say what's happening one way or the other. The investigative skills I learned in journalism are probably neolithic compared to the ones she learned as a cop. But here's what I've got.
to the best of my knowledge, Julia and Kalli are currently in Washington state under the surname Johnson. Now for starters, I can't go searching through through the Washington phone directory looking for all the Johnsons, even if I knew what town they were in, which I don't. Being on the other side of the country probably suggests they won't be making it out to Maine anytime soon, which means they're probably going to fall into that "forced to stay put and accept" category I've been working so hard to stay out of.
Which is what brings me to my next loose thread. Donna Hayes, my evil little enabler down the block. She was so intent that I not go back to Maine, but by the time I returned from New York she couldn't wait to hear me out.
With a fair bit of reluctance I found myself back in her kitchen, drinking her tea.
I told her, "If you want to save some time, there's a blog where some of us write. Maybe you could even... pitch something in?"
She pursed her lips and cocked her eyebrows. "Is that one of those internet websites? I don't know much about that," she smiled dismissively. "I'm so behind the times. Why don't you just tell me your story yourself."
"Okay then," I began, searching my mind for the right opening line. "I don't know if it's occurred to you how random the inn's transformations can be. Sometimes people gain a few years, sometimes they lose them. Sometimes they change race. And sometimes - shockingly frequently - it changes their sex."
I let it sit there for a moment. She nodded insistently. "Go on."
I couldn't believe she seemed so interested in what I was saying. So I continued. "My name is Todd Casey. I'm a 24-year-old man from Toronto, Ontario. Canada."
"You don't say." She didn't seem all that shocked.
"I woke up last summer in the body of your friend Anne-Marie. Until then I'd been poor, a freeloader, a slacker. I was comfortable being lazy. And now that I live a life where everything is given to me, and I can afford to be lazy... I hate it. All this luxury, it comes with dependence on Anne-Marie's husband. As crazy as it sounds, this entire experience has made me want to change my life - as soon as I get back to it. Taught me not to coast, that I should make something of myself, because back in Canada, I don't have someone to bring home the bacon for me."
She seemed confused, "So why don't you stay?"
"This might be hard for you to understand, Donna, but I don't enjoy being a woman. I don't enjoy being a wife or a mother or a homemaker or a soccer mom or whatever Anne-Marie is. Whatever I look like, that's what I'm not. And I need to go back to being what I am."
"A 'slacker'?"
"A man. An independent man."
"Well, if that's the way you feel - Todd, was it? - I wish you luck. I know now that I can't change your mind. Maybe if you lived as long as I have you'd see it form my perspective, but you've made up your mind and I respect that."
"Lived as long as you have?" I stood up, "Lady, you won't even tell me your real name or where you're from. How am I supposed to take your word for it?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Come back when you've done your little change. Come back when you're you again and I'll tell you. I'll tell you on one condition."
"What's that? Are you extorting me? You're way richer than me--!"
"No, I don't want money." She sipped, "I want to meet you. The real you. This Todd person you claim to be."
"Why?"
She paused a while, her face fading up in blush as she smiled evilly. "I want you to make love to me."
I gagged a little. I don't know why - I've had worse - but the fact that she was suddenly using my curiosity about her background to cheat on her husband was utterly disgusting.
"Forget it," I grumbled, walking out.
"What's the problem, Todd? Am I too much woman for you now? Rather wrap yourself around Hal's big, thick--"
"That's enough!" I shrieked. "I have fucked for a lot of reasons. Love. Gratitude. Revenge. Even one time - just once - money. But this is just sick. Why? Why do you want this? What is your purpose lady? Are you just messing with my head? You're a fucking bitch." I really laid into her. "You're insane and I'm leaving."
As I was slipping on my shoes, I heard an unnerving sound. Sobbing. I whispered, "Oh brother," to myself and turned. "What's wrong?"
"You want to know why? Because I'm an outcast, Anne-Marie." I wished she wouldn't call me that. "How long I've spent trying to build up this life, and tricking myself into believing these people knew me, liked me for who I am inside, not how much I'm worth. My husband married me so my daddy - sorry, Donna's daddy - would make him vice president. Now he's gone all the time. I'd divorce him, but we had a pre-nup and I'd get nothing. I'd be ruined, Anne-Marie, so I have to stay in this loveless goddamn marriage with a man who fucks around all week long in New York City while I stay at home and watch Soaps. This sounds sick, I know, but you're the closest thing I've had to a real friend in years, and I only realized it because you reminded me that I don't belong here. So go. Leave. I know I can't."
I didn't know what to make of it. If it was an act, it was Oscar-worthy. I felt really ill in my stomach at her words.
I thought it over. Maybe I could use a little practice before returning to Alia. Maybe I could convince Bryan to go in my place. It wasn't even about learning the truth as it was... pity. I felt sorry for this sad woman whose life has clearly not been satisfying, no matter where she came from. Goddamnit she was persuasive.
All I said was a muttered, "We'll talk about it later." And I left.
So that's the way things stand.
The sooner I can leave the Inn behind the better. It's brought out the worst in a lot of people.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Friday, March 20, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Mystery of the bra
After we got home from New York things kinda took a turn for the lazy around here. That's what happens, I guess, you just formulate routines and get through the day. For the most part I've been getting up early, exercising, cleaning, cooking, watching TV... just being a lazyass pampered housewife I suppose.
And then one day, Hal decides to go fishing in the cushions of the couch, and what does he find?
A bra.
At first, he thought it was pretty amusing. "Honey, you're such a slob, I love you," blah, blah, gag me.*
(*I love late 80's valley girl slang, I have no idea why.)
But as he hands it to me, something immediately catches my attention... the fact that it's obviously not mine. I would know if I lost a bra in the living room sofa, and I know this is not quite Anne-Marie's size. There were only a couple of possible suspects as to the owner of the bra - it was probably "Julia," whom we'd hired to watch the house while we were in New York.
So I drove over there on the weekend, went up to her place, made sure Todd-2 wasn't around, and threw the bra down on her kitchen table. "Look," I say, "I'm a pretty open-minded person and all, and whatever you do in Julia's body isn't any of my concern, but for God's sake please don't leave your underwear in my furniture."
Seemingly unnerved, she glares at the bra a moment, then looks up at me with those big, brown eyes. God, Julia's a hottie. I think about what I've just said, then immediately smack my own face and correct myself. "I mean... your furniture. Oh, God, I mean, I know it's yours, I don't really think of any of this as mine... this is just very stressful."
"No, it's not that..." she says quietly, clearing her throat. "That's not mine."
I tell her again, "It's not mine."
She just shakes her head. She means it's not Julia's, either. She explained: Saturday night, when she was supposed to be looking after the house (the Adkissons have a cat and some fish.) "Julia" had to run some errands, so she had "Kalli" watch over the house for just a few hours.
We just sat there quietly a moment, realizing exactly what had been going on. About twenty minutes went by, neither of us hardly saying anything, just trying to figure out exactly how to deal with this, when "Kalli" and Todd-2 walked in the door, laughing. J and I were on the couch. "Julia" spoke up - "Hi Todd, could you, um, let us talk a while?"
"Uh, sure thing Jules," he left, uncertain exactly what was going on. He gestured at me, "Who's this? I'm Todd."
I gave him a firm, nonplussed handshake. "Anne-Marie."
"Are you two related?"
'Julia' - "It's complicated. Do you mind?"
"No, sure thing ladies," he said. "See you tomorrow Kal?" She nodded. He kissed her on the cheek as he left.
As soon as he was gone, I tossed the bra at her. "What's up, Kal? Thought you might want this."
She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Here we go."
"What do you think you're doing?" Anne-Marie/Julia started in, suddenly sounding very motherly, "He is way too old for you."
"Not that it's any of your business, Julia but we just went to the movies."
"What are you doing leaving your underwear at my house?" she continues. "You shouldn't be..." she let the ellipses complete her thought.
Ellie folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm old enough to take care of myself," indicating Kalli's body.
I watched on as they proceeded to play out a typical-sounding mother-daughter argument, in the bodies and voices of these equally-aged girls. Apparently what happened in South Carolina is that they ran into Todd-2, who was looking to get back with Julia. Anne-Marie, however, was determined to stay faithful to her husband, and didn't want to complicate matters by taking on Julia's ex-boyfriend, so somehow, the affection gets shifted over to Kalli, and somehow nobody thinks at first what a horrible idea for a girl with the mind of a 14-year-old but a body a decade older to have a sexually experienced boyfriend, who would probably have some expectations.
Ellie/Kalli pleads innocent - they haven't had sex and she doesn't plan on it. I attest that all I found was a bra, which is hardly exonerating evidence and nobody's too thrilled about the idea of her letting him get to second base. She admits, yeah, it's been getting kind of heavy, but she never intended to go all the way, and was up front with him about it.
Then she did awful that thing ever teenage girl I've ever known does in an argument - takes it someplace else beyond reason.
"And so what if I did it, anyway?"
Now that's a Pandora's Box to open. As soon as Anne can say anything in response, Kalli is firing the salvo. "We've been living like this for months. I'm not the same person I was when I was Ellie, and you can't treat me like some dumb kid. Kalli definitely wasn't a virgin, so what point would there be in denying it, if I wanted it?"
Anne, suddenly overwhelmed, sat on the couch with her elbows on her knees. She collected her thoughts a moment before starting in, "You should be taking care of yourself... no matter whose life you've got. You've only known Todd [Jones] for a few weeks. If he's your first experience... and don't forget Kalli's experiences are not yours... it might affect you when we go back. These are just decisions too big for us to handle with lives that won't be ours forever."
I nodded along. Anne was seeming surprisingly wise.
Then Kalli pointed at me and asked, "Why is it okay for her to have sex with Uncle Hal?" I must've looked surprised for a moment, but she added, "Dude, I totally read the blog."
Anne sighs and says, "Because... It just is." Not really a good answer, but she continued. "Todd had experience enough to make the right decision, and because I know my husband, and trust him. We agreed."
"Weren't you worried she'd, like, fall in love with him because of the sex?"
I laugh quietly, self-deprecatingly. "Ellie, sex isn't love." It's the kind of thing a man is more likely to say than a woman.
Ellie got a little somber, sitting on the arm of the chair near me. "It's just not fair. I'm so free right now, and in a few months I have to give it all up and go back to the way things were."
I sit next to her and pat her shoulder. "I know it isn't fair, but you have a whole life of your own to go back to. You have awkward teen years to live out, and a terrible, terrible first time with a boy who is equally clueless as you to look forward to."
She smiled. "Todd, you're a goof." I've been called worse. "But I'm just worried that things aren't going to work out once we leave these lives. That's the big question."
I shrug and say that's a problem for Julia and Kalli to deal with. Ellie shoots me a look. "Didn't... Aunt Anne tell you?" I shake my head and look over at "Julia," who seems guilty of something.
Her voice turned grave. "Um, I guess I never mentioned it. Todd, I haven't been able to contact the original Kalli and Julia. We have no idea where they are, and we may not be able to get them their lives back."
Oh.
-Todd/AM
And then one day, Hal decides to go fishing in the cushions of the couch, and what does he find?
A bra.
At first, he thought it was pretty amusing. "Honey, you're such a slob, I love you," blah, blah, gag me.*
(*I love late 80's valley girl slang, I have no idea why.)
But as he hands it to me, something immediately catches my attention... the fact that it's obviously not mine. I would know if I lost a bra in the living room sofa, and I know this is not quite Anne-Marie's size. There were only a couple of possible suspects as to the owner of the bra - it was probably "Julia," whom we'd hired to watch the house while we were in New York.
So I drove over there on the weekend, went up to her place, made sure Todd-2 wasn't around, and threw the bra down on her kitchen table. "Look," I say, "I'm a pretty open-minded person and all, and whatever you do in Julia's body isn't any of my concern, but for God's sake please don't leave your underwear in my furniture."
Seemingly unnerved, she glares at the bra a moment, then looks up at me with those big, brown eyes. God, Julia's a hottie. I think about what I've just said, then immediately smack my own face and correct myself. "I mean... your furniture. Oh, God, I mean, I know it's yours, I don't really think of any of this as mine... this is just very stressful."
"No, it's not that..." she says quietly, clearing her throat. "That's not mine."
I tell her again, "It's not mine."
She just shakes her head. She means it's not Julia's, either. She explained: Saturday night, when she was supposed to be looking after the house (the Adkissons have a cat and some fish.) "Julia" had to run some errands, so she had "Kalli" watch over the house for just a few hours.
We just sat there quietly a moment, realizing exactly what had been going on. About twenty minutes went by, neither of us hardly saying anything, just trying to figure out exactly how to deal with this, when "Kalli" and Todd-2 walked in the door, laughing. J and I were on the couch. "Julia" spoke up - "Hi Todd, could you, um, let us talk a while?"
"Uh, sure thing Jules," he left, uncertain exactly what was going on. He gestured at me, "Who's this? I'm Todd."
I gave him a firm, nonplussed handshake. "Anne-Marie."
"Are you two related?"
'Julia' - "It's complicated. Do you mind?"
"No, sure thing ladies," he said. "See you tomorrow Kal?" She nodded. He kissed her on the cheek as he left.
As soon as he was gone, I tossed the bra at her. "What's up, Kal? Thought you might want this."
She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Here we go."
"What do you think you're doing?" Anne-Marie/Julia started in, suddenly sounding very motherly, "He is way too old for you."
"Not that it's any of your business, Julia but we just went to the movies."
"What are you doing leaving your underwear at my house?" she continues. "You shouldn't be..." she let the ellipses complete her thought.
Ellie folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm old enough to take care of myself," indicating Kalli's body.
I watched on as they proceeded to play out a typical-sounding mother-daughter argument, in the bodies and voices of these equally-aged girls. Apparently what happened in South Carolina is that they ran into Todd-2, who was looking to get back with Julia. Anne-Marie, however, was determined to stay faithful to her husband, and didn't want to complicate matters by taking on Julia's ex-boyfriend, so somehow, the affection gets shifted over to Kalli, and somehow nobody thinks at first what a horrible idea for a girl with the mind of a 14-year-old but a body a decade older to have a sexually experienced boyfriend, who would probably have some expectations.
Ellie/Kalli pleads innocent - they haven't had sex and she doesn't plan on it. I attest that all I found was a bra, which is hardly exonerating evidence and nobody's too thrilled about the idea of her letting him get to second base. She admits, yeah, it's been getting kind of heavy, but she never intended to go all the way, and was up front with him about it.
Then she did awful that thing ever teenage girl I've ever known does in an argument - takes it someplace else beyond reason.
"And so what if I did it, anyway?"
Now that's a Pandora's Box to open. As soon as Anne can say anything in response, Kalli is firing the salvo. "We've been living like this for months. I'm not the same person I was when I was Ellie, and you can't treat me like some dumb kid. Kalli definitely wasn't a virgin, so what point would there be in denying it, if I wanted it?"
Anne, suddenly overwhelmed, sat on the couch with her elbows on her knees. She collected her thoughts a moment before starting in, "You should be taking care of yourself... no matter whose life you've got. You've only known Todd [Jones] for a few weeks. If he's your first experience... and don't forget Kalli's experiences are not yours... it might affect you when we go back. These are just decisions too big for us to handle with lives that won't be ours forever."
I nodded along. Anne was seeming surprisingly wise.
Then Kalli pointed at me and asked, "Why is it okay for her to have sex with Uncle Hal?" I must've looked surprised for a moment, but she added, "Dude, I totally read the blog."
Anne sighs and says, "Because... It just is." Not really a good answer, but she continued. "Todd had experience enough to make the right decision, and because I know my husband, and trust him. We agreed."
"Weren't you worried she'd, like, fall in love with him because of the sex?"
I laugh quietly, self-deprecatingly. "Ellie, sex isn't love." It's the kind of thing a man is more likely to say than a woman.
Ellie got a little somber, sitting on the arm of the chair near me. "It's just not fair. I'm so free right now, and in a few months I have to give it all up and go back to the way things were."
I sit next to her and pat her shoulder. "I know it isn't fair, but you have a whole life of your own to go back to. You have awkward teen years to live out, and a terrible, terrible first time with a boy who is equally clueless as you to look forward to."
She smiled. "Todd, you're a goof." I've been called worse. "But I'm just worried that things aren't going to work out once we leave these lives. That's the big question."
I shrug and say that's a problem for Julia and Kalli to deal with. Ellie shoots me a look. "Didn't... Aunt Anne tell you?" I shake my head and look over at "Julia," who seems guilty of something.
Her voice turned grave. "Um, I guess I never mentioned it. Todd, I haven't been able to contact the original Kalli and Julia. We have no idea where they are, and we may not be able to get them their lives back."
Oh.
-Todd/AM
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: Why I was not in New York this weekend
Sometimes, I utterly forget that I'm married.
I wear the ring, I share my bed, I cook and clean for the guy, and yet it's remarkably easy for me to just push him out of my head when I need to. Like say, when I spontaneously promise Hayley a trip to New York on a few days' notice, along with a spa trip and whatever other tourist goodies might come her way.
It wasn't long before it dawned on me that it wasn't really my call. When Hayley went to ask her dad about it, he asked me to see him in the bedroom. I felt like I was called into the principal's office. I sat on the bed. He stood by the dresser.
"What's this I'm hearing about a New York trip? Hayley said you were taking her there this weekend."
Somewhat ashamed, I just looked down at my feet and said, "Maybe."
"That's... you can't just do that, Anne-Marie. We need to talk about this."
"Okay, so let's talk."
"You can't just go off on a trip whenever you feel like it!" he says. "Last summer you disappeared for nearly a month with my sister's daughter. Anything could've happened to you. We were so worried. And you've been making plans to go back there this summer."
He goes on and on and I guess I'm supposed to feel guilty, but from my perspective nothing's wrong. I was starting to feel really bummed out for being talked to in that way, but at the same time... I zoned out because it didn't really apply.
So I told him, "Yes, but can we keep this about New York?"
"I'm not made out of trips, Annie. You should've consulted me first."
"I'm sorry," I said, "I just... I panicked, because I realized, in case you didn't notice, we kind of forgot our daughter's birthday. I thought it might offset that a little bit."
"I just don't think we can afford it. Between this and your little Maine vacation..." he keeps bringing Maine into it. I want to deal with that at another time.
I start to reason with him, "Look. I've been cutting back spending. I haven't bought clothes or shoes in months." It's true, I've indulged in a little shopping since transforming, usually with "Julia," but for the most part I live on the cheap like I did when I was poor. "We've saved plenty to make both this and Maine work."
"Okay look, we'll go online, we'll find a Holiday Inn in Secaucus or something, and we can drive into the city next weekend. I don't know about this spa thing, but we can at least see a show or something."
I just look at him. "We?"
He laughs, "You didn't think you were gonna go to New York City without me and Connor, did you?" I guess not. "And we'll talk about Maine too. Could be very romantic." He kisses me on the cheek. I want to tell him, "Um, no, we will not talk about Maine, you are not coming to Maine." but at this point he left the room.
I guess it was a little presumptuous to assume I could make these plans without involving Hal. I don't mind him coming along to NYC, because now there's a chance I can get away and see those other nearby Inn folks I've been talking with (through the magic of Facebook, MSN and E-Mail.) But I really do not like the idea that he'll follow his wife to Maine. That's just asking for trouble.
Meanwhile in South Carolina...
From what I hear, "Julia" and "Kalli" escaped just in time to miss a massive storm in that area, flying into Logan a few nights ago (maybe they should've stopped in on Art and Ashlyn!) and driving the few hours back to our neck of the woods. Kalli's mom's angina flared up so she was called back home, and, having nothing better to do, went, with "Julia" as a secret chaperon. They came back one heavy. This is where it gets weird.
I don't know what has been running through Anne-Marie's mind since she became Julia, but she was certainly very concerned that I do my best to keep up her relationship with her husband. I've done my best and tried to put a positive spin on it, but it's still kind of a chore to get down with the guy every now and again. But it was all for a good cause.
Anyway, when "Julia" got back in town, she was immediately contacted by an old flame of Julia's - very unfortunately named Todd Jones (T2, or Jonesy for the purposes of this blog.) And for whatever reason, she decided that somehow it would be appropriate for her to bring this guy back to Connecticut, where she is a married woman living in another person's body with her similarly transformed 14-year-old niece. Doesn't this all sound a little inappropriate?
I don't know what to think. Is she banging this guy? And if she is, should I be upset? After all, I wish the new me would keep up relations with Alia alive, but s/he hasn't, and I just have to live with it. And she can't sleep with her own husband, and, what, should she be a nun? I guess not. It just pisses me off that there's not another option. Hal cheating on me with her sounds really good right now.
And what kind of example does this set for "Kalli," who for all intents and purposes is the same age as Julia? I feel like I'm the only mature one around here and that is not a good role for me.
Ugh, it's so frustrating.
And as if that wasn't bad enough...
Friday mornings I go to the gym. Last week, after my session, I was drying off from the shower and changing back into my day clothes... self-consciously trying to eyeball the nubile young ladies and re-create some of Bry's observations for my own (no luck) when I get cornered by who else but Donna, wearing her workout gear.
Apparently, she didn't take kindly to the tone I took in my voicemail. She gives me this stern look before just sighing. "Anne-Marie, I can tell you have something you want to get off your chest." I froze - as luck would have it, my hands happened to be cupping my breasts at the time. She continued, "I want you to know that no matter what, I'm your friend and I'm here for you. We disagree on some things, and maybe someday you'll see my point of view, but for now, I'd still like us to be close."
Despite knowing I am not the Anne-Marie she knew, Donna still seems to be treating me like the person I look like. It makes me wonder if Donna truly understands what the Inn does to people. I just shook my head and continued to dress. "Whatever."
"If that means unburdening yourself and telling me all about who you used to be, I'm ready to hear it. If it means helping you get through this, I'll be glad to."
I scoffed. "Is this, like, a joke to you? Are you messing with me? Whatever. If you want to talk, we'll talk, but not today." I just wasn't in the mood for her crap.
More later - I've got to start dinner.
-Todd/AM
I wear the ring, I share my bed, I cook and clean for the guy, and yet it's remarkably easy for me to just push him out of my head when I need to. Like say, when I spontaneously promise Hayley a trip to New York on a few days' notice, along with a spa trip and whatever other tourist goodies might come her way.
It wasn't long before it dawned on me that it wasn't really my call. When Hayley went to ask her dad about it, he asked me to see him in the bedroom. I felt like I was called into the principal's office. I sat on the bed. He stood by the dresser.
"What's this I'm hearing about a New York trip? Hayley said you were taking her there this weekend."
Somewhat ashamed, I just looked down at my feet and said, "Maybe."
"That's... you can't just do that, Anne-Marie. We need to talk about this."
"Okay, so let's talk."
"You can't just go off on a trip whenever you feel like it!" he says. "Last summer you disappeared for nearly a month with my sister's daughter. Anything could've happened to you. We were so worried. And you've been making plans to go back there this summer."
He goes on and on and I guess I'm supposed to feel guilty, but from my perspective nothing's wrong. I was starting to feel really bummed out for being talked to in that way, but at the same time... I zoned out because it didn't really apply.
So I told him, "Yes, but can we keep this about New York?"
"I'm not made out of trips, Annie. You should've consulted me first."
"I'm sorry," I said, "I just... I panicked, because I realized, in case you didn't notice, we kind of forgot our daughter's birthday. I thought it might offset that a little bit."
"I just don't think we can afford it. Between this and your little Maine vacation..." he keeps bringing Maine into it. I want to deal with that at another time.
I start to reason with him, "Look. I've been cutting back spending. I haven't bought clothes or shoes in months." It's true, I've indulged in a little shopping since transforming, usually with "Julia," but for the most part I live on the cheap like I did when I was poor. "We've saved plenty to make both this and Maine work."
"Okay look, we'll go online, we'll find a Holiday Inn in Secaucus or something, and we can drive into the city next weekend. I don't know about this spa thing, but we can at least see a show or something."
I just look at him. "We?"
He laughs, "You didn't think you were gonna go to New York City without me and Connor, did you?" I guess not. "And we'll talk about Maine too. Could be very romantic." He kisses me on the cheek. I want to tell him, "Um, no, we will not talk about Maine, you are not coming to Maine." but at this point he left the room.
I guess it was a little presumptuous to assume I could make these plans without involving Hal. I don't mind him coming along to NYC, because now there's a chance I can get away and see those other nearby Inn folks I've been talking with (through the magic of Facebook, MSN and E-Mail.) But I really do not like the idea that he'll follow his wife to Maine. That's just asking for trouble.
Meanwhile in South Carolina...
From what I hear, "Julia" and "Kalli" escaped just in time to miss a massive storm in that area, flying into Logan a few nights ago (maybe they should've stopped in on Art and Ashlyn!) and driving the few hours back to our neck of the woods. Kalli's mom's angina flared up so she was called back home, and, having nothing better to do, went, with "Julia" as a secret chaperon. They came back one heavy. This is where it gets weird.
I don't know what has been running through Anne-Marie's mind since she became Julia, but she was certainly very concerned that I do my best to keep up her relationship with her husband. I've done my best and tried to put a positive spin on it, but it's still kind of a chore to get down with the guy every now and again. But it was all for a good cause.
Anyway, when "Julia" got back in town, she was immediately contacted by an old flame of Julia's - very unfortunately named Todd Jones (T2, or Jonesy for the purposes of this blog.) And for whatever reason, she decided that somehow it would be appropriate for her to bring this guy back to Connecticut, where she is a married woman living in another person's body with her similarly transformed 14-year-old niece. Doesn't this all sound a little inappropriate?
I don't know what to think. Is she banging this guy? And if she is, should I be upset? After all, I wish the new me would keep up relations with Alia alive, but s/he hasn't, and I just have to live with it. And she can't sleep with her own husband, and, what, should she be a nun? I guess not. It just pisses me off that there's not another option. Hal cheating on me with her sounds really good right now.
And what kind of example does this set for "Kalli," who for all intents and purposes is the same age as Julia? I feel like I'm the only mature one around here and that is not a good role for me.
Ugh, it's so frustrating.
And as if that wasn't bad enough...
Friday mornings I go to the gym. Last week, after my session, I was drying off from the shower and changing back into my day clothes... self-consciously trying to eyeball the nubile young ladies and re-create some of Bry's observations for my own (no luck) when I get cornered by who else but Donna, wearing her workout gear.
Apparently, she didn't take kindly to the tone I took in my voicemail. She gives me this stern look before just sighing. "Anne-Marie, I can tell you have something you want to get off your chest." I froze - as luck would have it, my hands happened to be cupping my breasts at the time. She continued, "I want you to know that no matter what, I'm your friend and I'm here for you. We disagree on some things, and maybe someday you'll see my point of view, but for now, I'd still like us to be close."
Despite knowing I am not the Anne-Marie she knew, Donna still seems to be treating me like the person I look like. It makes me wonder if Donna truly understands what the Inn does to people. I just shook my head and continued to dress. "Whatever."
"If that means unburdening yourself and telling me all about who you used to be, I'm ready to hear it. If it means helping you get through this, I'll be glad to."
I scoffed. "Is this, like, a joke to you? Are you messing with me? Whatever. If you want to talk, we'll talk, but not today." I just wasn't in the mood for her crap.
More later - I've got to start dinner.
-Todd/AM
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: My funny family...
Between interesting things going on around here, I have to amuse myself. I can only spend so much of the day vacuuming and folding laundry and other mom chores. Unfortunately, I find myself staying in character as Anne-Marie more and more until something weird hapens that snaps me out of it. Today, it was reading advice columns about Valentine's Day.
As you might expect, I had totally forgotten it was coming up, and nearly had a panic attack until I realized I'm the woman now and it's not really my responsibility. Hell, all I have to do is get naked and mince around a little and Hal will be putty in my hands.
.......not that I want that per se. I'm just saying, from this perspective it's easy to please someone else. I don't know whether Hal actually intends to do anything about it, and I wouldn't mind much if he didn't. What do I need to be fawned over? All he'd be doing is buttering me up for sex anyway. Still, I'd be impressed with a card, and I don't think a rose or two would hurt. It'd be good practise for when his real wife comes back.
(By the way, Bryan, I know you were kidding, but I was hardly "basking in the afterglow of my sexual awakening." When you write stuff like that it's hard to convince people you don't secretly try to write well.)
Anyway, all this is just my roundabout way of thinking about how complicated life is, and how many connections I've got with other people now that I clearly wouldn't have had before. It's like I've gone from being a loner with a few friends and a distant family to, well... part of a unit. Look at what I've got:
Hal & The Kids. Hal can be a huge pain in the ass, stubborn, even obnoxious guy... But we all can, really and but he's not hard to get along with as long as you are willing to play along with the idea that he's the guy in charge. I do follow his lead a lot... he doesn't know that his wife's life has been turned upside down, and all the little things I screw up - peoples' names, recipes Anne-Marie used to be able to do, even the whole "not really being that into sex" thing, he's taken in stride. He has shown me - and vicariously his wife - a great deal of support without being able to understand what she's going through. I don't mind taking care of the Adkissons. They've grown on me, and taught me, I dunno, responsibility, I guess. They can be damanding, but it gives my life kind of a... purpose, for now. Hayley, Anne-Marie's daughter, has grown a little distant, and I feel bad about that. Maybe I've been neglecting her, or maybe she just needs to pull away as she grows up (apparently her 13th birthday is in March. Yikes.) And it's hard, since despite my months of experience as a woman, I don't really know what it's like to be a girl. But I'm trying to fix that. Connor, meanwhile, really seems to like his mom (or maybe just me?) and he's a nice kid. I've been reading with him before bedtime lately. Maybe it sounds corny, but this is the kinda childhood I never had and didn't realize I might've liked. I think I might actually be a pretty okay mom. Half the time, anyway.
Bryan... also known as Ellie. My little niece who has been one of my best friends since grade school. we got put into this weird situation and it's changed the way we relate. Sometimes I have a hard time looking at him, with his girlish face and twinkling eyes, and remembering exactly who is beneath that exterior. And then he speaks, and I remember, it's pure Bryan. Having him to lean on in this time has really helped things for me. to know that I don't have to be Anne-Marie all the time. Things aren't exactly as they used to be... I'm hoping they'll change back when we do, but... well, I'm just thankful for his presence. He's going through a lot right now (hormones, as one astute commenter noted, are clearly part of it.) He's got a lot of parental friction, and some none-too-surprising social anxiety. He'd hate me telling the world this, but I've seen him at his most vulnerable. I just hope he knows I'm there for him.
"Julia" and "Kalli." The real Anne-Marie and Ellie. It's gotten to the point where Hal knows that Julia and I know each other and might not think it so weird that we gal-pal around a bit. At first, I had this assumption, based mostly on her letter and the facts of her life, that Anne-Marie was some tightly-wound frigid soccer mom. But seeing her walking around in Julia's body, I've seen her as a really cool, fun, warm person who deserves her life back. It's weird though. She looks 21, and seems to think, act and talk 21, too. I don't know if she always did, but I just wonder what this experience has done for her. But she's keeping Kalli safe, and trying not to let her grow up too fast (although she can't help herself from sneaking some wine now and again.)
Now, the problem is that Anne-Marie professes to want to go back to Maine, expresses a real desire to get back her life, but trying to make arrangements is like pulling teeth. She's got this idea that Hal might think something is up with the both of us going to the same place within weeks and not coming back for so long. I understand her concern (after all, something is up, which we couldn't explain to him if we tried,) but how else does she expect it to be done? And she's on about money. She doesn't make a lot from Hal, and has to keep both her and Kalli in their low-rent apartment (Ellie contributes what she can, which given her youthful inexperience, isn't much.)
So I went ahead and made the arrangements in her name, because she needs the same room as me, otherwise this entire scheme is for nothing, and some random just walks into her life (not to mention Ellie's...) Which brings me to...
Deb and Amanda, the current Todd and Bryan. Every time I get nervous that something is going to go wrong with this plot, I e-mail this very detail-minded lady in my body and she reminds me that everything is under control and going according to plan.
There are times when I wonder what things are like for those two. I take for granted that everything about being a woman is wrong, and that I'd rather go back to being a man. But for someone who grew up as a woman and is now a man, would the same hold true? Do they yearn to get back to bras and tampax? Are they eager to spend hours browsing the boutiques and hauling purses? I keep getting this awful feeling in the pit of my gut that manhood is inherently superior/preferable, and that they'd probably just want to keep my body, but Deb seems so sincere... you should hear her go on about the man who should be her husband.
In any case, it just puts me in mind of how much I need to put things right with Alia. I don't want to lose her and I don't know how good a job Deb might be doing of keeping her interested. I want to tell her, "We all make sacrifices, I just banged Anne-Marie's husband, can't you do me the same courtesy?" But no. Anne-Marie never made me do it, and I can't make Deb have feelings for Alia.
The extended family... I mean, consider the real Julia and Kalli. I haven't heard anything about them, and have no idea if Anne-Marie is trying to give them back their lives. Then there's the new Deb and Amanda. The way Deb talks it seems like everything is a go with them, but what is there's a foul-up there? Are they getting their bodies back, or did Deb convince them to roll the dice? We are attempting a chain of no fewer than three physical transitions here. I can't believe I'm just talking about it like I'm planning a vacation. There is so much potential for disaster it is terrifying and makes me want to follow Donna's advice and stay home. But no. It would take a thousand Donnas to keep me from going back to Maine this Summer.
Speaking of whom... in our funny little family, Donna is like the crazy aunt nobody wants anything to do with, but is part of the family portrait nonetheless. I can't ignore her, as much as I want her to go away and leave me be. Those things she said really stuck with me, and now I just want to know who she was, and what happened that made her feel this way. It's going to take some coaxing. Everytime I try to engage her on the topic, she gets pretty evasive.
Art, Ashlyn, Darren, Kat, Brandon, Jessica, Marie... all the rest. Let's face it. We all share a secret that is bigger than life itself. We have nobody to support us but each other (with all due respect to the wonderful readers of this blog who sit patiently through my ramblings like this.) We've shared an experience that is so difficult to communicate or even understand. Whether you have gotten your life back, are still trying to, or have made yourself comfortable in your new one... we are all kin, and we should all share that understanding. I mean, think about how many people go to that Inn every year There must be so many of us floating around, waiting to have their stories told.
It's overwhelming. We're such a big, funny family.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
As you might expect, I had totally forgotten it was coming up, and nearly had a panic attack until I realized I'm the woman now and it's not really my responsibility. Hell, all I have to do is get naked and mince around a little and Hal will be putty in my hands.
.......not that I want that per se. I'm just saying, from this perspective it's easy to please someone else. I don't know whether Hal actually intends to do anything about it, and I wouldn't mind much if he didn't. What do I need to be fawned over? All he'd be doing is buttering me up for sex anyway. Still, I'd be impressed with a card, and I don't think a rose or two would hurt. It'd be good practise for when his real wife comes back.
(By the way, Bryan, I know you were kidding, but I was hardly "basking in the afterglow of my sexual awakening." When you write stuff like that it's hard to convince people you don't secretly try to write well.)
Anyway, all this is just my roundabout way of thinking about how complicated life is, and how many connections I've got with other people now that I clearly wouldn't have had before. It's like I've gone from being a loner with a few friends and a distant family to, well... part of a unit. Look at what I've got:
Hal & The Kids. Hal can be a huge pain in the ass, stubborn, even obnoxious guy... But we all can, really and but he's not hard to get along with as long as you are willing to play along with the idea that he's the guy in charge. I do follow his lead a lot... he doesn't know that his wife's life has been turned upside down, and all the little things I screw up - peoples' names, recipes Anne-Marie used to be able to do, even the whole "not really being that into sex" thing, he's taken in stride. He has shown me - and vicariously his wife - a great deal of support without being able to understand what she's going through. I don't mind taking care of the Adkissons. They've grown on me, and taught me, I dunno, responsibility, I guess. They can be damanding, but it gives my life kind of a... purpose, for now. Hayley, Anne-Marie's daughter, has grown a little distant, and I feel bad about that. Maybe I've been neglecting her, or maybe she just needs to pull away as she grows up (apparently her 13th birthday is in March. Yikes.) And it's hard, since despite my months of experience as a woman, I don't really know what it's like to be a girl. But I'm trying to fix that. Connor, meanwhile, really seems to like his mom (or maybe just me?) and he's a nice kid. I've been reading with him before bedtime lately. Maybe it sounds corny, but this is the kinda childhood I never had and didn't realize I might've liked. I think I might actually be a pretty okay mom. Half the time, anyway.
Bryan... also known as Ellie. My little niece who has been one of my best friends since grade school. we got put into this weird situation and it's changed the way we relate. Sometimes I have a hard time looking at him, with his girlish face and twinkling eyes, and remembering exactly who is beneath that exterior. And then he speaks, and I remember, it's pure Bryan. Having him to lean on in this time has really helped things for me. to know that I don't have to be Anne-Marie all the time. Things aren't exactly as they used to be... I'm hoping they'll change back when we do, but... well, I'm just thankful for his presence. He's going through a lot right now (hormones, as one astute commenter noted, are clearly part of it.) He's got a lot of parental friction, and some none-too-surprising social anxiety. He'd hate me telling the world this, but I've seen him at his most vulnerable. I just hope he knows I'm there for him.
"Julia" and "Kalli." The real Anne-Marie and Ellie. It's gotten to the point where Hal knows that Julia and I know each other and might not think it so weird that we gal-pal around a bit. At first, I had this assumption, based mostly on her letter and the facts of her life, that Anne-Marie was some tightly-wound frigid soccer mom. But seeing her walking around in Julia's body, I've seen her as a really cool, fun, warm person who deserves her life back. It's weird though. She looks 21, and seems to think, act and talk 21, too. I don't know if she always did, but I just wonder what this experience has done for her. But she's keeping Kalli safe, and trying not to let her grow up too fast (although she can't help herself from sneaking some wine now and again.)
Now, the problem is that Anne-Marie professes to want to go back to Maine, expresses a real desire to get back her life, but trying to make arrangements is like pulling teeth. She's got this idea that Hal might think something is up with the both of us going to the same place within weeks and not coming back for so long. I understand her concern (after all, something is up, which we couldn't explain to him if we tried,) but how else does she expect it to be done? And she's on about money. She doesn't make a lot from Hal, and has to keep both her and Kalli in their low-rent apartment (Ellie contributes what she can, which given her youthful inexperience, isn't much.)
So I went ahead and made the arrangements in her name, because she needs the same room as me, otherwise this entire scheme is for nothing, and some random just walks into her life (not to mention Ellie's...) Which brings me to...
Deb and Amanda, the current Todd and Bryan. Every time I get nervous that something is going to go wrong with this plot, I e-mail this very detail-minded lady in my body and she reminds me that everything is under control and going according to plan.
There are times when I wonder what things are like for those two. I take for granted that everything about being a woman is wrong, and that I'd rather go back to being a man. But for someone who grew up as a woman and is now a man, would the same hold true? Do they yearn to get back to bras and tampax? Are they eager to spend hours browsing the boutiques and hauling purses? I keep getting this awful feeling in the pit of my gut that manhood is inherently superior/preferable, and that they'd probably just want to keep my body, but Deb seems so sincere... you should hear her go on about the man who should be her husband.
In any case, it just puts me in mind of how much I need to put things right with Alia. I don't want to lose her and I don't know how good a job Deb might be doing of keeping her interested. I want to tell her, "We all make sacrifices, I just banged Anne-Marie's husband, can't you do me the same courtesy?" But no. Anne-Marie never made me do it, and I can't make Deb have feelings for Alia.
The extended family... I mean, consider the real Julia and Kalli. I haven't heard anything about them, and have no idea if Anne-Marie is trying to give them back their lives. Then there's the new Deb and Amanda. The way Deb talks it seems like everything is a go with them, but what is there's a foul-up there? Are they getting their bodies back, or did Deb convince them to roll the dice? We are attempting a chain of no fewer than three physical transitions here. I can't believe I'm just talking about it like I'm planning a vacation. There is so much potential for disaster it is terrifying and makes me want to follow Donna's advice and stay home. But no. It would take a thousand Donnas to keep me from going back to Maine this Summer.
Speaking of whom... in our funny little family, Donna is like the crazy aunt nobody wants anything to do with, but is part of the family portrait nonetheless. I can't ignore her, as much as I want her to go away and leave me be. Those things she said really stuck with me, and now I just want to know who she was, and what happened that made her feel this way. It's going to take some coaxing. Everytime I try to engage her on the topic, she gets pretty evasive.
Art, Ashlyn, Darren, Kat, Brandon, Jessica, Marie... all the rest. Let's face it. We all share a secret that is bigger than life itself. We have nobody to support us but each other (with all due respect to the wonderful readers of this blog who sit patiently through my ramblings like this.) We've shared an experience that is so difficult to communicate or even understand. Whether you have gotten your life back, are still trying to, or have made yourself comfortable in your new one... we are all kin, and we should all share that understanding. I mean, think about how many people go to that Inn every year There must be so many of us floating around, waiting to have their stories told.
It's overwhelming. We're such a big, funny family.
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: To quote a fellow Canuck...
Man, I feel like a woman.
Hal had his procedure last Monday. He spent most of the next week hobbling around with an icepack on his groin, and then things got busy, so we haven't, erm... gone ahead with the, uh, project. So basically, I spent all week living in prolonged anxiety, and being worked like a slave girl. I'd grown really accustomed to having my space during the day that it became kind of a neat situation where I could just wander around and forget what I look like, even when I can't forget what I look like. But with Hal calling for Anne-Marie to get lunch and run errands, I feel more like a wife than I have since I first came to this place. And just think... this dude expects me to do stuff with him.
It was kinda pathetic, and personally, I think he's milking it. I mean, yeah, I remember what it was like to have balls, and if some dude had been up in there with a scalpel, then maybe it would lay you up for a little while, but... well, the distance he took it was a bit much, is all. I sympathize and all, but no need to overdo it.
So this week, he's back at work, and he's gonna do a second test to determine the absence of sperm, and then, if all goes as "planned" (note sarcastic finger-quotes) Saturday night is the night. The kids will be at Aunt Trudy's place, and we'll have a... nice evening.... together.
I can't turn off the part of me that thinks this is wrong. That if I don't want to do this, I shouldn't feel obligated to. It's Anne-Marie he loves, he wants, and I'm not her. But am I gonna look him in the eye and say "Go mess around with your secretary, she wants it more"? This is the most altruistic thing I've ever done. What's worse is... I can't turn off the part of me that does want it, either.
I know, I know, it's not that I'm interested in getting it on with Hal, or any guy, but... has anyone ever read Greek mythology? Or T.S. Eliot's the Wasteland? (I'm a dropout but a well-read one.) I feel like Tiresias, and if what he had to say has any bearing, well... I've gotta know.
I'm just terrified of how good it might actually be. (This blog itself is loaded with mixed reviews.) Bry's no help either. I was having lunch with her on one of our "girls' days out" last weekend, where we get hot chocolate and pretend to shop (which I'm sorry to say actually results in a good deal of real shopping.) She kept chirping me about it. "Dude, you've gotta try it!" she said with this little-girl verve she's inherited from Ellie. I guess she realizes since she's gonna be a guy again soon (fingers crossed!) and she's so young she's not going to be the one to experience this for herself, so why not me? Yeah, easy for her to say.
I have to admit, I could do worse. He's got kind of a chubby George Clooney thing going on, if you squint. And he's kinda funny? Man, I am really stretching to justify this to myself.
I mentioned the trip. Yes, it's all booked, at least for four of the six of us. Amanda and Deb got their slot in late Early June, which hopefully puts me and Bry there after he gets done school. "Julia" and "Kalli" have yet to confirm. I'm worried that it's about money for them... I wish I could just dig into Anne's purse and give it to them, but Hal was already reluctant to let me go for what promised to be yet another month-long sojourn in Maine, part of which would be incommunicado. Erm... yeah.
Look, I just want to get out of this skin. I want to go home and I don't want to look at much less feel another man's junk any more than I had to.
Tired of playing housewife, and six months to go.
-Todd/AM
Hal had his procedure last Monday. He spent most of the next week hobbling around with an icepack on his groin, and then things got busy, so we haven't, erm... gone ahead with the, uh, project. So basically, I spent all week living in prolonged anxiety, and being worked like a slave girl. I'd grown really accustomed to having my space during the day that it became kind of a neat situation where I could just wander around and forget what I look like, even when I can't forget what I look like. But with Hal calling for Anne-Marie to get lunch and run errands, I feel more like a wife than I have since I first came to this place. And just think... this dude expects me to do stuff with him.
It was kinda pathetic, and personally, I think he's milking it. I mean, yeah, I remember what it was like to have balls, and if some dude had been up in there with a scalpel, then maybe it would lay you up for a little while, but... well, the distance he took it was a bit much, is all. I sympathize and all, but no need to overdo it.
So this week, he's back at work, and he's gonna do a second test to determine the absence of sperm, and then, if all goes as "planned" (note sarcastic finger-quotes) Saturday night is the night. The kids will be at Aunt Trudy's place, and we'll have a... nice evening.... together.
I can't turn off the part of me that thinks this is wrong. That if I don't want to do this, I shouldn't feel obligated to. It's Anne-Marie he loves, he wants, and I'm not her. But am I gonna look him in the eye and say "Go mess around with your secretary, she wants it more"? This is the most altruistic thing I've ever done. What's worse is... I can't turn off the part of me that does want it, either.
I know, I know, it's not that I'm interested in getting it on with Hal, or any guy, but... has anyone ever read Greek mythology? Or T.S. Eliot's the Wasteland? (I'm a dropout but a well-read one.) I feel like Tiresias, and if what he had to say has any bearing, well... I've gotta know.
I'm just terrified of how good it might actually be. (This blog itself is loaded with mixed reviews.) Bry's no help either. I was having lunch with her on one of our "girls' days out" last weekend, where we get hot chocolate and pretend to shop (which I'm sorry to say actually results in a good deal of real shopping.) She kept chirping me about it. "Dude, you've gotta try it!" she said with this little-girl verve she's inherited from Ellie. I guess she realizes since she's gonna be a guy again soon (fingers crossed!) and she's so young she's not going to be the one to experience this for herself, so why not me? Yeah, easy for her to say.
I have to admit, I could do worse. He's got kind of a chubby George Clooney thing going on, if you squint. And he's kinda funny? Man, I am really stretching to justify this to myself.
I mentioned the trip. Yes, it's all booked, at least for four of the six of us. Amanda and Deb got their slot in late Early June, which hopefully puts me and Bry there after he gets done school. "Julia" and "Kalli" have yet to confirm. I'm worried that it's about money for them... I wish I could just dig into Anne's purse and give it to them, but Hal was already reluctant to let me go for what promised to be yet another month-long sojourn in Maine, part of which would be incommunicado. Erm... yeah.
Look, I just want to get out of this skin. I want to go home and I don't want to look at much less feel another man's junk any more than I had to.
Tired of playing housewife, and six months to go.
-Todd/AM
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Todd/Anne-Marie: It's a new year...
...guess what my resolution is?
In only a few days, I'll have to make some reservations for the Trading Post. If every who stays there is as desperate to get their body back as I am, there might be a rush. I dread to think what could happen with imperfect planning. And me, I never been very organized. I'd hate to find myself in some other body halfway across the country powerless to get back. Given the choice between being Anne-Marie and rolling the dice... I'd have to play it safe. Your physical identity is nothing to play Russian Roulette with.
Fortunately, I've got an ally, and I don't mean Bryan. I never really talked about it I guess, because it's not really my business (even if it is my life) but the person who wound up in my and Bry's lives aren't exactly... the type of people who would want to be there. And I can't blame them, because as accustomed to our meager lives as we were, and as eager as we are to get back, they're not going to be someone's first choice. So when you consider who's been walking around in my shoes all winter, you'll understand why they'll be as glad to go back as me.
Given the appearance of the Inn, I would expect that most of the visitors are female. Sure, a whole bunch of us guys end up there and that's how you end up with all of us here on the blog staring down their own cleavage all of a sudden and thinking "I've gotta tell people about this!" But the room where Bry and I stayed was booked, along with a couple others, as part of a Bachelorette weekend. The Bride-to-Be was named Deb, she was a 40-something real estate agent from Jacksonville, Florida. She and her maid of honour Amanda (the 27-year-old receptionist at her work) wound up as me and Bryan respectively.
From my talks with Deb, she's a fussy kind of lady, very much a neatness/control freak type, with all due respect (I think she's reading this.) She'd been married once before and was really excited about starting over. Talk about a fresh start. Imagine her horror at being told she was now going to live in a cramped, crappy apartment where the furniture was covered in XBox controllers, clothes and porn. My life was a mess, and she had to clean it up.
She started by getting em a new job, since my income was hardly steady. She got one I wouldn't have been able to do if my life depended on it, baking bread at a bakery in Yorkville. I think Amanda kept doing Bryan's supermarket job. None of this is all that important, but we e-mail on a fairly regular basis. They lead an isolated, insecure life, trying to avoid my numerous sketchy acquaintences. Deb really wants to get back to the man she was supposed to marry (from what I hear, the wedding went on as planned although the new bride is probably none too keen.) And Amanda, I guess, is along for the ride... maybe she really is the female version of Bryan. Anyway, Deb's been really great about making plans, roping the new-her into going back and keeping me posted on things.
My main concern is for how s/he interacts with Alia. I had really hoped to rekindle things, and I think she did too, but... with a grown woman in my body, they're more like, you know... gal pals, which is frankly embarrassing, and probably slightly irksome to Alia given the apparent sexual disinterest there. Deb's reluctance to "dive in" is not all that much like my own.
Anne-Marie begged me to let Hal get the vasectomy. It'll put him out of commission for a few weeks, maybe a month or more, while he recuperates and gets tested to make sure it's taken effect, but... he's going to have some serious goddamn expectations when he gets off the injured list.
It's kind of a catch-22. Anne-Marie had been trying to convince him to go along with it for a year or so, confident she didn't want any more kids. Like many men, he saw it as a threat to his manhood: nobody is keen to get a knife down there. He wasn't deadset against it, but had a lengthy period of hesitation. If I, as Anne-Marie, suddenly tell him not to do it, it's like saying "I want another kid," so there's sex involved. Of course I by no means want that so if I say "Yes, get the vasectomy," it's like saying "Let's just have sex," so again, sex. I used to have to work to get sex as a man, and now I can't escape it. I thought married people just let their private parts go to waste after the kids were born.
Add to that the fact that Anne-Marie's body has been sending me some strong signals, and now that I know what they are, I can't bring myself to ignore them.
So what's a guy to do? He's scheduled the surgery for Monday. I don't know how wild Anne-Marie is about the idea that I might actually have to bang her husband, but I am starting to think she's more enthusiastic than I am. I guess I'll find some way to talk my way out of it. That could work, right?
I feel a bit like I'm on the uphill part of a roller coaster. Full of dread, but worried I might even like finding out what it's like on the way down.
This is... kind of a mess. I can't wait to get back to having regular people problems. This has kinda been a thick entry and I feel like I've just rambled a lot... I've been meaning to write in here more often, but I get distracted, and then things kinda pile up like this.
Oh well...
-Todd/Anne-Marie
In only a few days, I'll have to make some reservations for the Trading Post. If every who stays there is as desperate to get their body back as I am, there might be a rush. I dread to think what could happen with imperfect planning. And me, I never been very organized. I'd hate to find myself in some other body halfway across the country powerless to get back. Given the choice between being Anne-Marie and rolling the dice... I'd have to play it safe. Your physical identity is nothing to play Russian Roulette with.
Fortunately, I've got an ally, and I don't mean Bryan. I never really talked about it I guess, because it's not really my business (even if it is my life) but the person who wound up in my and Bry's lives aren't exactly... the type of people who would want to be there. And I can't blame them, because as accustomed to our meager lives as we were, and as eager as we are to get back, they're not going to be someone's first choice. So when you consider who's been walking around in my shoes all winter, you'll understand why they'll be as glad to go back as me.
Given the appearance of the Inn, I would expect that most of the visitors are female. Sure, a whole bunch of us guys end up there and that's how you end up with all of us here on the blog staring down their own cleavage all of a sudden and thinking "I've gotta tell people about this!" But the room where Bry and I stayed was booked, along with a couple others, as part of a Bachelorette weekend. The Bride-to-Be was named Deb, she was a 40-something real estate agent from Jacksonville, Florida. She and her maid of honour Amanda (the 27-year-old receptionist at her work) wound up as me and Bryan respectively.
From my talks with Deb, she's a fussy kind of lady, very much a neatness/control freak type, with all due respect (I think she's reading this.) She'd been married once before and was really excited about starting over. Talk about a fresh start. Imagine her horror at being told she was now going to live in a cramped, crappy apartment where the furniture was covered in XBox controllers, clothes and porn. My life was a mess, and she had to clean it up.
She started by getting em a new job, since my income was hardly steady. She got one I wouldn't have been able to do if my life depended on it, baking bread at a bakery in Yorkville. I think Amanda kept doing Bryan's supermarket job. None of this is all that important, but we e-mail on a fairly regular basis. They lead an isolated, insecure life, trying to avoid my numerous sketchy acquaintences. Deb really wants to get back to the man she was supposed to marry (from what I hear, the wedding went on as planned although the new bride is probably none too keen.) And Amanda, I guess, is along for the ride... maybe she really is the female version of Bryan. Anyway, Deb's been really great about making plans, roping the new-her into going back and keeping me posted on things.
My main concern is for how s/he interacts with Alia. I had really hoped to rekindle things, and I think she did too, but... with a grown woman in my body, they're more like, you know... gal pals, which is frankly embarrassing, and probably slightly irksome to Alia given the apparent sexual disinterest there. Deb's reluctance to "dive in" is not all that much like my own.
Anne-Marie begged me to let Hal get the vasectomy. It'll put him out of commission for a few weeks, maybe a month or more, while he recuperates and gets tested to make sure it's taken effect, but... he's going to have some serious goddamn expectations when he gets off the injured list.
It's kind of a catch-22. Anne-Marie had been trying to convince him to go along with it for a year or so, confident she didn't want any more kids. Like many men, he saw it as a threat to his manhood: nobody is keen to get a knife down there. He wasn't deadset against it, but had a lengthy period of hesitation. If I, as Anne-Marie, suddenly tell him not to do it, it's like saying "I want another kid," so there's sex involved. Of course I by no means want that so if I say "Yes, get the vasectomy," it's like saying "Let's just have sex," so again, sex. I used to have to work to get sex as a man, and now I can't escape it. I thought married people just let their private parts go to waste after the kids were born.
Add to that the fact that Anne-Marie's body has been sending me some strong signals, and now that I know what they are, I can't bring myself to ignore them.
So what's a guy to do? He's scheduled the surgery for Monday. I don't know how wild Anne-Marie is about the idea that I might actually have to bang her husband, but I am starting to think she's more enthusiastic than I am. I guess I'll find some way to talk my way out of it. That could work, right?
I feel a bit like I'm on the uphill part of a roller coaster. Full of dread, but worried I might even like finding out what it's like on the way down.
This is... kind of a mess. I can't wait to get back to having regular people problems. This has kinda been a thick entry and I feel like I've just rambled a lot... I've been meaning to write in here more often, but I get distracted, and then things kinda pile up like this.
Oh well...
-Todd/Anne-Marie
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Todd/Anne-Marie: Cocktails anyone?
It's been an extremely busy holiday season. I'm sure you're all dying to know how pleased I was that Hayley and Conner loved the CD's and video games Anne-Marie and I picked out for them, but, well, it's not all that interesting. Stressful, but not interesting. The worst part was having to feign interest in the variety of perfumes, pyjamas, linens and garments I had to unwrap. It was not a Merry Christmas for this guy.
As you might imagine, I don't care much for family gatherings in this body. I find that a lot of the in-laws on Hal's side, particularly Trudy, still judge her pretty harshly for whatever reason, so they've been taking it out on me. "Julia" wasn't there this time, but Bryan was. It was weird, even perversely amusing to see Bry get all thankful for Ellie's gifts, which were mostly clothes and accessories, and of course, cash. I mainly kept to myself and drank wine all day until it was time to go home.
The Sunday after Christmas, Hal had an office/client holiday party at our place, so I had to prepare hors d'ouerves and serve drinks most of the night. It was a pretty dull affair. Bry was there, but had to hang out with the kids in the basement eating party mix and drinking Pepsi (I did sneak her some booze every now and again, because it's the holidays and she's been good.) Since she's a receptionist, Julia was also there providing moral support to me, even as Hal repeatedly came up and politely reminded her she was a guest and didn't have to do anything. She just smiled her pretty little 23-year-old smile and said it was her pleasure.
I had some important matters to ask her about anyway, and as soon as we were alone, we started talking. And no, it wasn't "Are you sleeping with Hal?" because I'm still putting that one off. No, this was slightly more about me.
I told her I had had a cold a few weeks ago but got over it, but now I was starting to feel... groggy, I guess. Foggy-headed. I wasn't getting much sleep, getting up in the middle of the night and feeling tense. Certain biological parts were feeling... abnormal. And it wasn't a cycle thing either, at least not as far as I could tell. But something felt really off.
She got this wicked but modest smirk, her face blushed red, and her eyes darted around the room. "Jeez Todd... you'd think you would notice it sooner." I just stared and asked her what exactly was going on. She gave a quick laugh and looked me in the eyes saying, and this is a direct quote, "Well, the thing about that is... women have needs too."
It takes a moment to wash over me. I lean back against the kitchen counter, bracing myself. "You're joking with me, right?" She just shakes her head. "I'm 33 years old. My body... or your body... our... that body is at its peak. Hal and I have been married for a long time, and sure we're not at the same place we were when we were first married, but... we never went that long without being together. You mean you two haven't--"
"No!" I whisper-scream, "Are you kidding me? That's the last thing I want."
"I guess it's not surprising he hasn't even asked..." she smiled to herself, "I used to turn him down so often it got to where I'd always have to initiate it."
"Can't I just... take care of this myself?" I asked. Not that I haven't before, but this feeling has been driving me crazy.
Again she gives a quick laugh, "Honey, I'm a married woman. I haven't done that in years. And it's just not as much fun. But you're the one in the body, so you're free to give it a shot... I guess."
I began to feel really sick. I dropped the subject all together and got on with my night feeling just off. In the family room, there was Donna, trying to work the HD TV, but the picture was all stretched out. I snatched the remote away from her and quickly fixed it. Her husband was just trying to check the score on the Pats-Bills game.
I handed her the remote back and she just looked at me, "I had no idea you were so good with electronics, Anne-Marie."
I just sighed. "One of my many secrets."
I sleepwalked through the rest of the evening and went to bed early. When Hal came up, he asked if I was still awake. I rolled over and said yeah.
"I've been thinking. I know we haven't talked about it in a while, but if you still want me to... I think I'm ready to go through with it."
I wince. "Go through with what?"
"With the surgery. I'll do it."
I'm confused and tired, "What surgery? What are you talking about?"
"The... vasectomy."
I roll back over the other direction. "We'll talk about this later."
It had been a long, stressful day. Quite frankly, the last thing I wanted to discuss was Hal's penis. And needless to say, I did not sleep well... again.
I'd go take a cold shower, but being naked isn't a lot of fun right now.
-Todd
As you might imagine, I don't care much for family gatherings in this body. I find that a lot of the in-laws on Hal's side, particularly Trudy, still judge her pretty harshly for whatever reason, so they've been taking it out on me. "Julia" wasn't there this time, but Bryan was. It was weird, even perversely amusing to see Bry get all thankful for Ellie's gifts, which were mostly clothes and accessories, and of course, cash. I mainly kept to myself and drank wine all day until it was time to go home.
The Sunday after Christmas, Hal had an office/client holiday party at our place, so I had to prepare hors d'ouerves and serve drinks most of the night. It was a pretty dull affair. Bry was there, but had to hang out with the kids in the basement eating party mix and drinking Pepsi (I did sneak her some booze every now and again, because it's the holidays and she's been good.) Since she's a receptionist, Julia was also there providing moral support to me, even as Hal repeatedly came up and politely reminded her she was a guest and didn't have to do anything. She just smiled her pretty little 23-year-old smile and said it was her pleasure.
I had some important matters to ask her about anyway, and as soon as we were alone, we started talking. And no, it wasn't "Are you sleeping with Hal?" because I'm still putting that one off. No, this was slightly more about me.
I told her I had had a cold a few weeks ago but got over it, but now I was starting to feel... groggy, I guess. Foggy-headed. I wasn't getting much sleep, getting up in the middle of the night and feeling tense. Certain biological parts were feeling... abnormal. And it wasn't a cycle thing either, at least not as far as I could tell. But something felt really off.
She got this wicked but modest smirk, her face blushed red, and her eyes darted around the room. "Jeez Todd... you'd think you would notice it sooner." I just stared and asked her what exactly was going on. She gave a quick laugh and looked me in the eyes saying, and this is a direct quote, "Well, the thing about that is... women have needs too."
It takes a moment to wash over me. I lean back against the kitchen counter, bracing myself. "You're joking with me, right?" She just shakes her head. "I'm 33 years old. My body... or your body... our... that body is at its peak. Hal and I have been married for a long time, and sure we're not at the same place we were when we were first married, but... we never went that long without being together. You mean you two haven't--"
"No!" I whisper-scream, "Are you kidding me? That's the last thing I want."
"I guess it's not surprising he hasn't even asked..." she smiled to herself, "I used to turn him down so often it got to where I'd always have to initiate it."
"Can't I just... take care of this myself?" I asked. Not that I haven't before, but this feeling has been driving me crazy.
Again she gives a quick laugh, "Honey, I'm a married woman. I haven't done that in years. And it's just not as much fun. But you're the one in the body, so you're free to give it a shot... I guess."
I began to feel really sick. I dropped the subject all together and got on with my night feeling just off. In the family room, there was Donna, trying to work the HD TV, but the picture was all stretched out. I snatched the remote away from her and quickly fixed it. Her husband was just trying to check the score on the Pats-Bills game.
I handed her the remote back and she just looked at me, "I had no idea you were so good with electronics, Anne-Marie."
I just sighed. "One of my many secrets."
I sleepwalked through the rest of the evening and went to bed early. When Hal came up, he asked if I was still awake. I rolled over and said yeah.
"I've been thinking. I know we haven't talked about it in a while, but if you still want me to... I think I'm ready to go through with it."
I wince. "Go through with what?"
"With the surgery. I'll do it."
I'm confused and tired, "What surgery? What are you talking about?"
"The... vasectomy."
I roll back over the other direction. "We'll talk about this later."
It had been a long, stressful day. Quite frankly, the last thing I wanted to discuss was Hal's penis. And needless to say, I did not sleep well... again.
I'd go take a cold shower, but being naked isn't a lot of fun right now.
-Todd
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