Tyler/Valerie: So this was Christmas...

Now that I have a couple of free minutes though I just want to let you know how I am... tired! Holy smokes y'all, I have had to work extra-hard to pay the rent on my new place, and it ain't even that great. I really appreciate what Ryan was doing for me with the last place even if the environment wasn't so healthy, and, well, all that other shit that went down between us. But I'll always know that the motivation for the breaks he was giving me was, well, what it was, no matter how much he denies it.

November was already busy enough. I moved in with Maddie and her sister Charlie, who I hadn't met or seen prior to moving day. She showed up with just a duffel bag, which made me already like her since she reminds me of me - someone who travels around without much of an agenda and is happy to float through life, and I mean that as a compliment. America's a great country to just drift through, and honestly I wish I was brave enough to get out on the road as a woman the way I was as a man.

Seeing them together, they're definitely two sides of the same coin... the disorganized, chaotic, sarcastic Charlie and the tidy, friendly Maddie. They bicker, but in real sisterly way where they have each other's back if someone else were to step on their toes. And then there's their appearances... they have the same genetic code, the same face, the same body essentially, but they do very different things with it - Maddie with her long ombre hair and makeup, Charlie with her short, boyish shag, piercings and tattoos. One favors dresses and tights, one wears jeans and men's tees with comic book characters on them.

Given all that... I mean, I'm not a total hayseed, I've been around. Based on everything about her, I wasn't all that surprised when my guess was confirmed abd found out Charli is a lesbian. It did make me feel oddly self-conscious about being around her - like, what does she think of me? Just some "straight girl"? I don't style myself as someone who was born a man and spent many years happily dating women... I can't even "come out" to her about that because it's not really part of my backstory as Valerie. Maybe I just want credibility for not being as "vanilla" as I seem, for all the things I've seen, and done... and been.

But there hasn't been a ton of time to dwell on that anyway. It's not like I've been home a lot.

Between 8 hour days at the coffee shop and sometimes 6-hour events with the caterer, I was on my feet for almost the whole month of December, and when I did get a day off the last thing I wanted to do was shop for Christmas presents. Having time to sit and think about the season just made me feel alone and awful because, well... look at where life has taken me. I never, ever felt bad about leaving my "real" family behind (except for Carrie, who I'm so lucky knows where and who I am, but it's not like we visit much, and we go weeks without texting) but the season really underscored some of the negative feels that go along with my situation.

I mean, I have Valerie's family, and they're nice "normal" Upstate New York people. They want me to know they love me and care about me and wish I would come "home" for Christmas, but I really wasn't feeling like intruding. When I started getting Christmas letters - forwarded from my old address because of course I forgot to let Valerie's mom know I moved - I began to feel guilty that I had taken this girl's place and was taking all the love and togetherness she was supposed to be having and flushing it away.

Of course, it's not really like that. I didn't take Valerie's life. I was perfectly willing to give it back, but she felt that Cynthia's suited her better. But I'll always feel like part of that was charity. I look at all the potential she had in her original life, which I'm doing jack-all with, and think, is there anything she could possibly be getting as Cynthia that was worth this arrangement?

That was the theme of a long, drunken, sobbing voicemail that I left her a few weeks before Christmas - I was at the end of my rope, wondering what the fuck is even going on in my life, and thinking about how it's not too late for us to switch back next year if she wants.

When she responded, she was, um... very understanding. She's had some thoughts of her own but somehow feels free of regrets. On the family question, her thinking is, yes, she misses them, and she tries not to feel bad that she will never see them again as herself, but she tries to look at it as if she decided to move to another country for work or something. As long as she can keep in touch with me, she'll never lose them.

From there, we organized a few meet-ups where she helped me do my Christmas shopping and prep me for the holidays. Last Christmas I was freshly jilted at the altar, so any weirdness in my behavior could be explained away. Now, I'm just... me. Me being Valerie. So I'm pretty well expected to give gifts and join in some holiday fun, and hey I've faked it before, as Lauren and Judith. I can do it, I just haven't been in a position where I'm setting up relationships with these people for the rest of my life. I wanted some guidance from her as to how to behave, and yet I know that part of me being Valerie permanently is, however I am, that's how "Val" is now, and everyone around me just has to get used to it. Still, knowing all the backstories helps: which topics to avoid, which relatives have drama with others, and of course being warned about the 15-year-old second-cousin who hasn't gotten the memo that you're not supposed to look at your relatives that way. 

"Cyn" is doing well, amazed at how her new life seems to fit her like a glove. Loves being around the kids, has freedom to do as she pleases... and even her "Man" and her have gotten pretty close.

"I mean, we haven't decided what the future holds just yet," she said, delicately choosing her words, "...But we discovered fairly quickly that we each seemed to be what the other was looking for. He's supportive and considerate and funny, and I've always seen myself as an "old soul" so the age difference - whatever it actually is - doesn't bug me. Plus, he's hot! A silver fox!" A man with the heart of a woman... isn't that what every gal wants?

She looked down at her ring - technically just a prop but obviously meaningful to her - "We've toyed with the idea of going all the way and having a kid of our own... is that weird?"

I said, in our world, nothing's weird anymore.

I did pretty well at the family visit, nodded along with the old memories, tried to come up with good excuses why I haven't been around much this year, and made promises (probably idle ones) to be more available in 2019. I tried my best to accept that this love was not for me, but that didn't mean it wasn't nice to receive. And to marvel a bit at the fact that I'm now the kind of person who appreciates a nice makeup kit as a Christmas Gift. (I don't wear a lot of makeup but I do enjoy mascara and eyeliner.)

There was one gift that really gave me pause, and it came from Valerie/Cynthia herself. At the end of our shopping and gabbing, she produced a small white envelope. I was a little dismayed because I hadn't thought to get her anything. She said not to worry about it, and asked me to open it in front of her.

Inside was a check.

I'm not going to tell you how much, but it was sizeable.

I raised an uncomfortable eyebrow. "Um... is this, like, payment for Cynthia's life? Because I really can't accept anything like that..."

"No, it's... well, it's a gift that I'd always wanted. Something I was never able to give myself. After Josh and I were, uh... settled, we had talked about getting me some... surgery."

"Surgery?"

She pointed at my chest and cleared her throat.

"It was just always in the back of my mind, but there was so much to consider, never a good time, and better uses for the money. And it would have had to be after we started our family. Well, now I have the money, and the family, but not the need, so I thought... this would be a good way to use my good fortune. Take the money. Don't use it for that if you don't want to, but know that it's on the table. The money is yours."

I was dumbstruck. I could hardly bring myself to accept it, but Cyn wouldn't take no for an answer. I'll admit the idea had occurred to me in moments of frustration, that it would be nice to reduce my size a little. Decrease my pains, maybe work out more as a result. Stop dipping my tits in every condiment on a table. I'd have to put myself through the stress of buying a new wardrobe. I don't know. It was a fantasy, and one I didn't indulge in much because I was only borrowing this body and now that I have the opportunity it feels wrong to do anything to reshape this body, even though it's mine. But I have the money and the suggestion that, if I don't want that, I can do as I please... just be aware this is a one time offer.(Believe me I would never dream of asking Val/Cyn for a handout. Not my style.)
Lots to think a out heading into this new year, that's for sure.

-Val/Ty

Tyler: Tears of Joy

I've been up night after night waiting for the result. Somehow it wouldn't feel real to me until it happened. Any number of things can go wrong, you know, and I was just waiting for the old Tyler Blake Luck to rear its ugly head.

Last night around 3 AM it happened.

I got the text.

"It's done.

"OMG crying.

"Tears of joy."

I really was going to become Cynthia. I didn't see any other option. I couldn't keep bouncing around year after year. It was a good enough offer... a great offer. Settle down, be part of a family, do some good in this world and enjoy a certain amount of freedom to be... well, somebody, I guess. Not me, though.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't slip into someone else's life. Not that one. So I turned to the only other person I knew who was as broken as me.

Every conversation I'd had with Valerie had gotten more and more grim as time went on. I would talk to her about handing her life back to her and her eyes would dim, she'd look away. We both knew the truth but I didn't want to say it because you're supposed to want your life back, and if you're someone like me, you're supposed to want out of a life you've been stuck with, if it leaves you looking and living like this. Valerie Stewart's life is a good one. She's young, she's healthy, she's pretty, she has the whole world at her feet.

"But I've gotta be honest with you Tyler," she sighed, seemingly on the brink of tears, "I don't recognize the person in front of me. And I think if I went back, I would just walk right into the ocean."

And we weren't talking about any pounds and inches I had gained, or the way I was wearing my hair that day or the clothes I'd picked out for myself. Valerie's life, ever since she was a teenager, had been geared around two two objectives: work with kids, and marry Josh and have kids of her own with him.

One of these things was still technically possible, sure, but I think she had become really disheartened by the way getting a year stolen from you by the Inn put her off her path. She was heartbroken, a wound that would probably never heal, stemming from a breakup she'll probably never really get closure on because she didn't get to have it happen to her face (closure, I've always maintained, is not much of a thing.) If there was ever a lost soul in need of a fresh start, it was her, not me.

It would never have occurred to Cynthia to hand her life over to Val, of course... she had been reading my words, knew my experiences, knew I was in need. Val kept everything private. She didn't even really tell me until the last minutes. Objectively, Val is more equipped to raise kids than I am since she went to school for it. Not that that makes you a "mom" but she also had the desire to be one. I was only ever one out of necessity. Maybe I will be again someday.

It would be foolish to think that becoming Cynthia can help her outrun her heartache. I can tell you from experience that that shit sticks with you for many lives, when someone is missing from your life that you think should be there. But being in a new life, having people look at you a different way, being pointed in a new direction... that helps.

It's not totally selfless, but it's not selfish either. I never coveted Valerie's life, I just think I've done okay with it despite a few fuck-ups. I'd like a chance to spend more than a year as someone, and Valerie's life appeals to me more than Cynthia's. I'm not doing it because I've met someone I love (although sometimes I think I have, it's really not going to happen, I've got to accept.) I'm not doing it because I've got a fabulous career ahead of me. I'm doing it because Valerie's life is something I can probably mold into what I want it to be, in away I could never do with Cynthia. And Val sees that for herself in Cynthia's.

I don't know which of us had the idea first, but it sort of occurred to us in a single look, as she was going over all the great things about Cynthia's life as she saw it - trying to sell me on it when I was having doubts. The way she talked about how good it could be made us both realize what a mismatch it was that I was getting this this opportunity, and she was getting... well, kind of screwed.

Maybe she'll love again. Stranger things have happened, as she's a stepmom and wife on paper but a free woman in practice. The real Cynthia - or whatever her name is - seems reasonable and accommodating. Maybe she'll make a great husband. Or at least a good business partner.

As for me... I'm alone in bed. Lying in my shorts and a very tight tee that Val must have gotten on a trip, or had brought back to her by someone in her family. I haven't asked, there's probably no point. I'm lying here in the small hours of the morning looking at this text, feeling the reflected happiness at this woman for what we've done, and can't help feeling I did the right thing.

Now I've got this to work with. For the first time in a long, long time... it's all up to me, for real. It's scary and exciting. I'm on the verge of my own tears of joy, even though it was more or less official once Val agreed to my proposal. It's real, I'm this... let me try to be happy about it.

And let's see how long it takes me to fuck this up.

- The new Official Valerie Stewart, aka Tyler Blake (deep down, that name will never die.)

Tyler/Valerie: Waiting my turn

I felt good for about a minute after Ryan's and my tryst, but the morning after was extremely rough.

As pleasurable and cathartic as it had been to act on the feelings that had been bubbling inside me since I first laid eyes on the guy, it was extremely tainted knowing that I was going to be leaving Val's life soon, and that bogging her down with more drama was specifically what I didn't want to do.

The feeling seemed mutual, as he was unable to even look me in the eye the next morning. It was then that I realized that as much as it felt like things were over between him and Alexa, they actually weren't yet. He finally admitted later that day, "We were texting today... she wants me to go out to California, and I'm going to."

"Yeah," I said sheepishly, "You should."

It was a tough situation. I couldn't not be hurt, but I had no claim over this guy, no right to mess around with him. This was the closest thing to making good on it that I could offer - to pretend it had never happened.

He went. We've hardly texted.

After that, I set about trying to execute Cynthia's plan.

Originally, she had eyed the end of summer for her trip to the Inn, meaning I would visit in the "last" spot, the one where the body I leave behind is basically nowhere for the better part of a year. I can hardly reckon with the implications of that, nor with the logistics of having to visit that Inn and get my body messed with twice in a year, at least once with unknown results. Scary, but, that's kind of how I do things... leap before I look.

But we had a chunk of reservations at the Inn at our disposal. Not impossible to move things around. I got in touch with Val to see if she would be okay with us shuffling things around.

"You're really going for it, huh?" she asked over coffee. "Taking the deal?"

"What choice do I have?" I shrugged, "I'm a person without a body, and this is the only offer on the table. And it's a pretty good offer."

"I'll say," she said, some kind of envy in her voice. "You just don't seem happy about it."

"Well yeah," I said, "This isn't who I envisioned ending up being, but no matter what I hoped for it's not likely to be as good as this. I just... don't like being backed into it. Feeling like I have no other options."

"No," she said coldly, "I guess not."

I took a breath. "Val, I'm extremely sorry for everything that's happened to your life this year. With Josh, and... well, I just want you to know I did the best I could under the circumstances."

She muttered something to the effect of not holding me responsible for her ex's actions - at one point it felt like she did.

By now, Cynthia will be waiting to turn into her erstwhile husband. He got the body that would have been mine, whatever that may have been. Then it's my turn, and the rest of my life begins as a beautiful blonde mother of three in the suburbs.

Here goes,

-Tyler, Valerie

Tyler/Valerie: Options?

I have to admit, ever since my meet with Cynthia, I've been struggling with this decision. I don't know if I honestly expected just to float around, trying on body after body for years until somehow, somehow I lucked into something, anything, that I could stick with. And it was probably too much to ask that that body be male, but what right do I have to be picky?

Still, a lifetime of being jerked around means that I'm fishy about all this. One thing Cynthia did when we met was show me text messages with her husband that corroborated the idea that he was accepting a buyout, so to speak, and was going away "quietly." That still puts this firmly in "too good to be true" territory.

I could hardly pick a better life than Cynthia Hutchins' out of a catalog, so long as maleness wasn't on my wishlist. She's close in age to what I'm supposed to be. She's extremely pretty and lives a life of luxury - luxury she informs me will be diminished following her transaction with her current husband, but still a woman of means. There's time and money to build that life into something that I could be happy living. Sort of.

Part of this deal is that Cynthia wants someone who will be good for the kids. Yes, that's a role I've been in before as Judith... I wouldn't say I was the world's greatest mom, but I had the unique challenge of raising a body-swapped and de-aged tween boy who was very willful, but seemed to respect me at least. I don't know anything about Cynthia's stepkids, what they think about their mom or anything... but I do know they think she's who she's always been.

And I know they've already lost their real mom, and unknowingly been abandoned by their real dad. It makes me want to help but I'm not sure it makes me want to raise them. And as much as Cynthia is selling me that I'd be able to do as I please, how can she expect or hope for anything besides me adopting the role of 'mommy'? And then where am I?

I've been lucky in my trips to the Inn, and up until a few weeks ago I felt prepared for even the worst case scenario, since I've seen people get through scenarios way more hellish than anything I've been up against. But it's still stressful. A few weeks ago I would have told you that I would have settled for anything that felt permanent, but now that I'm presented with a choice -- not being forced (not literally anyway) but asked to choose -- I couldn't help but wonder if it would be right for me. If I was slotted into Cynthia Hutchins' life based on the random draw, and told I could keep it if I wanted, once I was in her skin, I doubt you could stop me. But there's such a temptation to take the mystery door.

Temptation that decreased after one conversation.

As I often do when I don't know what to do, I reached out to the only person who's ever really understood me: Meghan Reis.

I asked her to come down to Brooklyn for the weekend and she said she couldn't, but after reading my post she had to call me. We talked all night, too long for me to write-up here, about everything... all my options, all the things that brought me here, how sometimes when I make choices for myself they tend not to work out and how maybe the idea of someone making the decision for me, pointing me at this woman's body and saying "You must be her now" may be my only option.

"You're right," I said, "I've screwed up way too many peoples' lives to take the chance again."

"You never screwed up anyone's life," she said.

"Tell that to Valerie," I sighed.

"Absolutely nothing that has happened to that girl in the past year is your fault."

I started to say, "I dunno Meg... I just keep thinking, maybe this is the one... or maybe if I can just have one more year as a guy..."

"Justin proposed," she cut me off.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I... I don't mean to be all egotistical thinking that has anything to do with your decision, because we're both pretty clear that what we had was in the past, but... Justin proposed to me, and I said yes. We're getting married next year. And I just had to tell you at some point and that point wasn't coming any sooner."

"Wow, I..." I was speechless. "Congratulations...!" I said as sincerely as I could.

"I want you at the wedding... in whatever form you have by then. I don't know if it would be appropriate to have you as a bridesmaid... but the thought did cross my mind."

I was speechless.

"But I'm going to have to know where you'll be in a year for that to work," she noted.

"Yeah..."

I switched the topic over to her and let her fill me in on all the details, paying as much attention as I could as I dug deep into my mind, thinking... how much of my fantasy return to manhood was just me holding out hope for a Meg-Tyler reunion? That I would steal her back from him, even though she's been his longer than she was ever mine? Suddenly I felt very scummy about the whole thing.

That's the crazy thing. I've seen how I can be happy as a woman, but I don't think I could be happy as a man without her. But as a female, those feelings are in check, and my heart and my mind are a little more open. What's more, I seem to like myself more this way.

What a crazy thing to realize...

Clock's ticking on this decision.

-Tyler/Valerie

Tyler/Valerie: Cynthia

Another hot city summer in a female body. A good-looking one where men notice when you start showing skin - or wear anything that gives a hint of your figure. And sue me, that's the least of my worries. Let them look if they need to, let me turn heads on the street, I'm not afraid, as long as they don't get out of line. At least, with the thinner layers and less fabric that women's clothes provide, the less overheated I get going about my business. Guys don't get the benefits of low necklines and high-cropped shorts - I've got to take the wins where I can in this body, you know. IF you had told me five years ago that I'd be kind of excited to be wearing short skirts, I'd have punched you where you stood, but here we are.

Of course with every positive there's an equal or greater negative... flat, humidity-wrecked hair, sunburned cleavage, and of course, underboob sweat. And guys, I've got a lot of underboob to sweat through.

Ripping the Band-Aid Off

I've had a fair amount on my mind since the last time I posted. I was trying really hard to find the "right" time and way to break it off with Rafe. I figured I would be more likely to do it the first time he and I had a blowup about something but somehow he's managed to be a perfect gentleman since I got back from Westchester. Freezing him out for a few days must have really gotten to him. Damn, that meant I had to find a way to level with him, and find some convincing grounds to end it even though, if you asked us both, we'd probably agree we're still having fun.

It's not the best relationship I've ever had (if you can call it that) but it's not the worst, and at it's best it's weirdly very non-dysfunctional, which feels strange.

The other night we were lying in bed and he asked me how I was feeling. He's never done that before. I literally had to sit up, wide-eyed and startled and ask "Who are you?" And that's a loaded question coming from me of course - it occurred to me for a moment that he might not actually be himself. But he looked at me like I was crazy for even asking, and he just shook it off, like "I'm just trying to be nicer, man."

I told him I was just lost in thought about the future. He asked if I meant "our" future. I said just the future in general, you know I don't really want to pour coffee for the rest of my life. Then I asked, "Is there an 'our' future?"

He shrugged, "Why not? We're having fun, aren't we?"

I winced. "I do want more, eventually."

I thought he might react pretty badly, but he just sighed, "You gettin' tired of me, chickpea?"

"No, I just... think a break might be good."

Shit, I thought to myself as soon as I said it, I can't waffle on this and leave the door open.

I could see him getting upset, but in an understated way: "If you call it off, I'm not gonna wait around for you to change your mind."

"I wouldn't expect it."

He sat and thought for a minute and said something kind of unexpected: "You know if you give me some time... just a little while... maybe... I could... I mean, we could..." he stammered, and I stopped him before he could putter to the end of his sentence.

"I can't explain it, but... we don't have that kind of time."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means I've got to go."

"Fine, go then."

And I had to admit, I was a bit hurt that he didn't fight more, but he did make a bit of a play for... something. And I don't doubt his sincerity, but, well... I had to do what I had to do. I threw my clothes on, trying not to linger too long, stuffed my underwear in my bag, and called for a cab home.

A Good Bad Dream

I tossed and turned all night because I had an important meeting in the morning. And when I finally did get to sleep, I had this really vivid dream that I was back at the Trading Post, and I got transformed into Ryan - I was tall and muscular and I had a dick and everything, and I went to bed with his girlfriend Alexa and... I woke up feeling very guilty about all that, very shaken. I also woke up to find I had started my period, as if to rub it in.

So imagine how I felt when I went out to the Kitchen to pour myself a bowl of Cheerios and she was there already eating.

Things are a little icy between us but I think she could sense I had had a rough night so she asked about it, and I said I had ended things with Rafe. She draped her arm around me and said "Girl, I know it hurts, but I know you can do better!" I barely know this girl, and I was semi-attracted to her boyfriend, and he was/is definitely attracted to me, and she was giving me sisterly love. I felt rotten.

Ryan appeared a little after that, and we all talked, although I was not in a very social mood. Ryan made a big show of cozying up to Alexa, as well he should, and it all served to make me feel like the loneliest guy in the world.

Cynthia's Story

It was around 11 I ended up meeting with "Cynthia Hutchins." I hadn't actually wanted to pursue this but Pete convinced me, saying she had gone to the trouble of seeking me out - I said that didn't necessarily bode well, and she agreed sure, but if she meant ill she could have probably approached it some other way. Then we went back and forth over what someone who meant ill for me would actually do and eventually Pete wore me down (as she has a way of doing) so I agreed to meet. I was definitely more curious than I wanted to be.

After I had been to her place, I realized I had seen her in the coffee shop several times. She always looked very put-together - a well-dressed, beautiful and fashionable 30-something with a slim body, pretty blue eyes and silky golden blonde hair. I noticed her, envied her, resented her - as I do a lot of my female customers. Male ones, too. But she was always nice, and now I realize it's because she knew who I was... despite not mentioning the name of the coffee shop, I had at least given enough of a description of Valerie's body that she must have known the moment she found me.

Her husband is probably average height for a man, so that they're about even when she's in her heels, with a young-looking face for his mid-40's but gray hair. Their kids are 13, 12, and 7 -- Cynthia is the stepmother.

I told her there's another coffee shop around the corner where I prefer to talk about these things, away from my friends, customers and co-workers, and she agreed to meet me there. She was looking very prim and proper, and knowing I was going to meet with her made me want to dress up like I was going for a job interview - pleated black skirt, white blouse with scalloped shoulders, hair tied back.

"You look very nice," she said, seemingly sincere. I said she did too, complimenting her earrings in particular, a pair of dangly gold baubles. She stood up to bid me to sit down and I was immediately put off by how she towered over me in her three-inch heels.

"I guess you're wondering... about everything."

I sighed, "I find in these situations it's best to let someone just say whatever they feel they have to, and then if I have any questions, I'll hold them."

"Very well," she said, offering a narrow smile. "I'll be brief."

"No need, I've got all afternoon."

Her smile broadened.

"Five years ago, I did something very uncharacteristic and spontaneous. I took a vacation with a man I hardly knew, to Maine. I was having one of those moments where I wanted to... sorry, you're going to laugh when I say this but it's true... I wanted to quit being myself for a while. Not literally of course, I never would have asked to... well, yes. I just wanted to get away for a while and throw caution to the wind. I met a man online and he suggested we go to Maine. He told me unfortunately, the only place he could get a reservation was thing dingy old Inn, but we'd make the most of it. I had just quit my job, there was no limit how long we could stay.

"After nearly a week of running around like we were teenagers, we woke up in the bodies of the Hutchinses. The original James Hutchins was a widower and was dating a much younger woman, and he ended up choosing to stay with her rather than returning to his children. A disgusting choice, but I benefitted from it so... I can't say I looked unkindly on him for making it."

She cleared her throat. "I'm sure you can relate to trying to make an ad-hoc family work with a person you only barely know." I nodded.

"It was a very appealing life, very much unlike the one I had left. I had chosen career over family... or, it had worked out that way, since I never had a chance at family before. Now I had my youth again, I had beauty, I had money, I had three children who resented me at first, but soon understood that I cared a lot more about them than their ersatz father, even if they didn't quite understand why. For James' part, he... did his best. It was years before the family started to collapse. Or rather, he started to. The pressures of work got to him, and... well, there was an added element because he could only succeed at work with my help, and I started to feel taken-advantage-of, since he worked a job he had no business doing, but that I could, quite easily I think."

"And what's that?"

"James is the Vice President of Research and Development for a Pharmaceutical Company. I was a biochemical engineer, back in Tuscaloosa. It was extremely convenient for him."

"I'll say."

"He wants out. He's tired of faking it. And I'm tired of him neglecting the children we inherited, and of the loveless sham of a marriage we were rushed into. But he's not tired of the money. So we've struck a deal. I will become him, and transfer a certain portion of James' salary to the person he becomes as a way of getting him out of my life."

"Uh huh..." I said, skeptical about all this,

"And my hope was... is... that I could find a person who knows the truth about the Inn, who needs a place to live the rest of her, or his, life. Someone with a proven track record of taking care of others. Tyler... this is a match made in heaven, don't you think?"

My face got hot. I didn't know what to say. "You want me... to just... become you -- Her? Cynthia?"

"I believe that would be best, yes."

I couldn't speak.

She went on. "Before you answer, let me assure you, I don't demand much. My hope is that for at least the immediate present, you would put up the charade of being a loving, caring mother to these kids. Our relationship would be strictly business. You would be free to pursue whatever you wanted. And I mean that in the fullest sense... if you wanted to lounge around and collect an allowance from me, I would let you. If you wanted a divorce, I could easily arrange that, and give you favorable terms. If you wanted to leave and go back to the Inn after a year, I would permit it, even though you would be giving up a lot...

"You would have freedom... Opportunity... Resources to do anything you wanted. Say, for instance... start your own business with my money."

It was scary how good this pitch was. There had to be a catch. Well, of course I already knew what it was: I would have to be Cynthia Hutchins. And if I were, I would probably be her forever.

It's no secret I would really rather live out my life in the sex I was born with, even as much as I've adjusted to the female role. I can't help thinking it's still only temporary. But the amount of things that would have to fall into place to get the body and life I actually want, and to be able to keep it... to accept this offer would be to admit defeat, and give up my slim hope of ever finding that perfect life.

Really, though, to stop fooling myself.

"I'm... flattered," I said. "I'm supposed to go back to the Inn in a few weeks, to give Valerie her life back. When are you..."

"End of August," she said, "You would return to the Inn at the beginning of September."

"What if I... become someone who can't come back? What if I become a kid or a... well, anything could happen. It could be out of my control."

"As long as you're willing, we'll find a way. This is my offer to you, no strings attached. I can virtually guarantee that a person in your situation can't hope for anything better."

I suddenly felt cold in the air-conditioned coffee shop, and grasped my upper arms.

"I don't know, Cynthia. There's a lot to think about. Just answer me one thing."

"Shoot."

"Are you really from Tuscaloosa?"

She smiled. "Roll tide."

I've got some thinking to do.

-Tyler/Valerie/Possible Future Cynthia

Tyler/Valerie: The Rest of the Weekend

If my first couple of nights away with Maddie gave me some very strange feelings - and maybe an indication that there was something on her end as well - the rest of the weekend really flattened that out.


I guess you could chalk it up to a conflict between my male mind, female body, and in-between-everything-else. I'm still not accustomed to close female friendship without any sexual tension, and the way some women act around other women, when they're close or bonding, might read to a man as flirtatious or teasing.


I also had to process whether I wanted it - I've kind of gone heavy with this heterosexual thing lately, and I know, Meg would be the first to tell me that sexuality is fluid and I can define myself however I want -- even if Val doesn't have a proven track record of being experimental, does that mean her body doesn't have that streak, or that my mind in her body might not combine to make one? Or is it all just a distraction from what I really want, which is... I guess... a guy?


The feelings I was having for Maddie... I don't know. They were emotional, and intimate, but it was a bit of a leap to call them sexual. There was a sexual component there for sure, but it's not like I look around at other women as potential partners (it wasn't until recently that I looked at men and saw potential partners either, but here we are.) Whatever Maddie was doing must have breached that barrier, which means its possible for me to still be into women, but not exactly like it was before. And it's all moot because I'm pretty sure Maddie doesn't go that way.


(I actually don't want to be into women right now because I'm having a very good time without that on my plate, and being able to trust all the female relationships in my life as solely platonic, but I still think, intellectually, that women make better partners than men... ugh it's so complicated! A few years ago I would never have had all these thoughts or bothered analyzing it to this level, but a few years ago... things were very different, both for me and for the world.)


So, the reason why I feel pretty confident that all this flirting and connecting Maddie was doing actually didn't have any meaning to it is that the first thing Maddie said to me on Saturday morning once we were up and about was that she had texted her guyfriend and invited him to come over, and hopefully I was okay with that. I took a breath to process that and say of course, why would I stand in the way of that? She said that if I wanted, I could invite Rafe over too, but I waved that off - it was far for him to travel, and I really wasn't in the mood to see him (like I said, part of the appeal of this weekend was to detox myself from him and cleanse my palate.) Plus, even if the cat's out of the bag and everyone at the shop has figured it out, I'd rather just pretend they don't know, or pretend I don't know they know, and not let anyone see how he and I are together.


It all makes me very glad that I'm not going to be Valerie much longer.


Once this guy arrived (let's call him David) I actually found myself quite annoyed, because they retreated to the bedroom for several hours -- which, the idea of hooking up in a stranger's bed like that is a little gross to me (again, notwithstanding my personal history!) and because of course all the caretaking was left to me for pretty much the whole day, I had to walk the dogs, one after the other (because I'm not big enough to overpower one, let alone all three!) in the pouring rain, even though there was three of us now and one was a big strong man.


They also baked some pot brownies and left them out where the dogs could eat them, which would have been a huuuuge problem if I hadn't noticed.


So Saturday was a writeoff as far as I was concerned. David didn't spend the night or anything but I wasn't exactly into sharing the bed with Maddie either, so I took the one with all the dogs.


The next day, of course, because Maddie is a woman, she immediately sensed that I was upset with her and asked me to talk about it. And I didn't want to. So I tried to air my grievances - minus the confusing sexual component - and call her out for basically screwing around (literally) while she should have been earning her pay.


All she said was, "I'm sorry you see it that way. I didn't mean to let you down, but you can't expect me to not have fun while I'm here... you said you were okay with it yourself."


I just sighed. "It's not all about you... I'm just tired of being the responsible one. Feels like I never cut loose."


"Yeah," she snickered, "You are kind of a team mom around the shop. Which is totally why we have to start a business."


"We'll see," I said, looking away.


I guess that's why I fell in with Rafe - because yeah, I do have to be the Responsible Adult in the semi-relationship, but at least when we're together I feel like I can do something stupid and fun without screwing up anybody's life. It's the most free I've felt in years, even if, in the end, it will only prove temporary after I move on and get my next assignment.


Things were still a little chilly after that, but we hugged it out and got on with our last day of lounging around the house watching movies, before the Hutchinses returned, early in the afternoon. They invited us to stay for dinner, and I didn't have anything else to do, but Maddie wanted to go home and I didn't feel like staying without her, so Mrs. Hutchins - Cynthia - kindly gave us a ride to the station.


I told her what a beautiful home she had, and she said thanks... "Not bad for a gal from Tuscaloosa."


"Tuscaloosa?" I said, "Wow, I'm-- uh, I've got family down in Mobile."


"Really? I thought you grew up around here."


"Oh I did, I did... uh... New Rochelle?"


She side-eyed me. "Is that a guess?"


"Well, uh... we moved around."


"Spend a lot of time down there? I think I'm detecting an accent..."


"Maybe... maybe I'm just copying you."


"You know there's a lot of us out there... can't swing a dead cat without hittin' one it seems."


"What, you mean Alabamians?"


"Yes Val... Alabamians."


We pulled up to the train station. I put my hand on the latch of the car door.


I mouthed: "You know."


She nodded, and said in a hush "Let's talk sometime."


I gave a big sigh, wincing, as if to say I'd really rather not, but... she seems harmless.


Famous last words.


-Ty, still Val