Tyler: Tears of Joy

I've been up night after night waiting for the result. Somehow it wouldn't feel real to me until it happened. Any number of things can go wrong, you know, and I was just waiting for the old Tyler Blake Luck to rear its ugly head.

Last night around 3 AM it happened.

I got the text.

"It's done.

"OMG crying.

"Tears of joy."

I really was going to become Cynthia. I didn't see any other option. I couldn't keep bouncing around year after year. It was a good enough offer... a great offer. Settle down, be part of a family, do some good in this world and enjoy a certain amount of freedom to be... well, somebody, I guess. Not me, though.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't slip into someone else's life. Not that one. So I turned to the only other person I knew who was as broken as me.

Every conversation I'd had with Valerie had gotten more and more grim as time went on. I would talk to her about handing her life back to her and her eyes would dim, she'd look away. We both knew the truth but I didn't want to say it because you're supposed to want your life back, and if you're someone like me, you're supposed to want out of a life you've been stuck with, if it leaves you looking and living like this. Valerie Stewart's life is a good one. She's young, she's healthy, she's pretty, she has the whole world at her feet.

"But I've gotta be honest with you Tyler," she sighed, seemingly on the brink of tears, "I don't recognize the person in front of me. And I think if I went back, I would just walk right into the ocean."

And we weren't talking about any pounds and inches I had gained, or the way I was wearing my hair that day or the clothes I'd picked out for myself. Valerie's life, ever since she was a teenager, had been geared around two two objectives: work with kids, and marry Josh and have kids of her own with him.

One of these things was still technically possible, sure, but I think she had become really disheartened by the way getting a year stolen from you by the Inn put her off her path. She was heartbroken, a wound that would probably never heal, stemming from a breakup she'll probably never really get closure on because she didn't get to have it happen to her face (closure, I've always maintained, is not much of a thing.) If there was ever a lost soul in need of a fresh start, it was her, not me.

It would never have occurred to Cynthia to hand her life over to Val, of course... she had been reading my words, knew my experiences, knew I was in need. Val kept everything private. She didn't even really tell me until the last minutes. Objectively, Val is more equipped to raise kids than I am since she went to school for it. Not that that makes you a "mom" but she also had the desire to be one. I was only ever one out of necessity. Maybe I will be again someday.

It would be foolish to think that becoming Cynthia can help her outrun her heartache. I can tell you from experience that that shit sticks with you for many lives, when someone is missing from your life that you think should be there. But being in a new life, having people look at you a different way, being pointed in a new direction... that helps.

It's not totally selfless, but it's not selfish either. I never coveted Valerie's life, I just think I've done okay with it despite a few fuck-ups. I'd like a chance to spend more than a year as someone, and Valerie's life appeals to me more than Cynthia's. I'm not doing it because I've met someone I love (although sometimes I think I have, it's really not going to happen, I've got to accept.) I'm not doing it because I've got a fabulous career ahead of me. I'm doing it because Valerie's life is something I can probably mold into what I want it to be, in away I could never do with Cynthia. And Val sees that for herself in Cynthia's.

I don't know which of us had the idea first, but it sort of occurred to us in a single look, as she was going over all the great things about Cynthia's life as she saw it - trying to sell me on it when I was having doubts. The way she talked about how good it could be made us both realize what a mismatch it was that I was getting this this opportunity, and she was getting... well, kind of screwed.

Maybe she'll love again. Stranger things have happened, as she's a stepmom and wife on paper but a free woman in practice. The real Cynthia - or whatever her name is - seems reasonable and accommodating. Maybe she'll make a great husband. Or at least a good business partner.

As for me... I'm alone in bed. Lying in my shorts and a very tight tee that Val must have gotten on a trip, or had brought back to her by someone in her family. I haven't asked, there's probably no point. I'm lying here in the small hours of the morning looking at this text, feeling the reflected happiness at this woman for what we've done, and can't help feeling I did the right thing.

Now I've got this to work with. For the first time in a long, long time... it's all up to me, for real. It's scary and exciting. I'm on the verge of my own tears of joy, even though it was more or less official once Val agreed to my proposal. It's real, I'm this... let me try to be happy about it.

And let's see how long it takes me to fuck this up.

- The new Official Valerie Stewart, aka Tyler Blake (deep down, that name will never die.)

Tyler/Valerie: Waiting my turn

I felt good for about a minute after Ryan's and my tryst, but the morning after was extremely rough.

As pleasurable and cathartic as it had been to act on the feelings that had been bubbling inside me since I first laid eyes on the guy, it was extremely tainted knowing that I was going to be leaving Val's life soon, and that bogging her down with more drama was specifically what I didn't want to do.

The feeling seemed mutual, as he was unable to even look me in the eye the next morning. It was then that I realized that as much as it felt like things were over between him and Alexa, they actually weren't yet. He finally admitted later that day, "We were texting today... she wants me to go out to California, and I'm going to."

"Yeah," I said sheepishly, "You should."

It was a tough situation. I couldn't not be hurt, but I had no claim over this guy, no right to mess around with him. This was the closest thing to making good on it that I could offer - to pretend it had never happened.

He went. We've hardly texted.

After that, I set about trying to execute Cynthia's plan.

Originally, she had eyed the end of summer for her trip to the Inn, meaning I would visit in the "last" spot, the one where the body I leave behind is basically nowhere for the better part of a year. I can hardly reckon with the implications of that, nor with the logistics of having to visit that Inn and get my body messed with twice in a year, at least once with unknown results. Scary, but, that's kind of how I do things... leap before I look.

But we had a chunk of reservations at the Inn at our disposal. Not impossible to move things around. I got in touch with Val to see if she would be okay with us shuffling things around.

"You're really going for it, huh?" she asked over coffee. "Taking the deal?"

"What choice do I have?" I shrugged, "I'm a person without a body, and this is the only offer on the table. And it's a pretty good offer."

"I'll say," she said, some kind of envy in her voice. "You just don't seem happy about it."

"Well yeah," I said, "This isn't who I envisioned ending up being, but no matter what I hoped for it's not likely to be as good as this. I just... don't like being backed into it. Feeling like I have no other options."

"No," she said coldly, "I guess not."

I took a breath. "Val, I'm extremely sorry for everything that's happened to your life this year. With Josh, and... well, I just want you to know I did the best I could under the circumstances."

She muttered something to the effect of not holding me responsible for her ex's actions - at one point it felt like she did.

By now, Cynthia will be waiting to turn into her erstwhile husband. He got the body that would have been mine, whatever that may have been. Then it's my turn, and the rest of my life begins as a beautiful blonde mother of three in the suburbs.

Here goes,

-Tyler, Valerie

Tyler/Valerie: Coffee with Anna

Ever since this thing happened with Josh, my life has been a fight.


Fighting with Josh to disconnect Valerie's life from his.


Fighting with Valerie over what to do next... and who's actually to blame.


Fighting with myself over... well, everything.


Meg has said I have a guilt complex... I can somehow blame myself for everything but be very touchy when others do the same. Which probably explains how I can beat myself up over what happened but get very defensive when Val puts the blame on me for not being, well, her.


When I finally did sit down face to face with her, she looked exhausted. I think Anna's life is putting her through the wringer in addition to the emotional distress from the wedding fallout. Or maybe I'm just sexist and still think that anytime a woman doesn't put on full makeup she looks ill.


She met me at the coffee shop after work but we decided to go to a neutral location so that my co-workers wouldn't interrupt us.


Even though we had planned to have this big conversation, which I was sweating over all afternoon, neither of us really seemed to want to talk and we spent a lot of time making failed small talk about the weather and work.


Eventually I said, "I've been telling people what happened... everyone's very sympathetic."


"What have you been saying?" she got a worried look on her face.


"The truth," I shrugged, "He cheated, went back to his ex and fathered a lovechild."


She looked away. "I hope people aren't going to be too hard on him."


I sputtered, "What! Val, he's a monster! What he did--"


"I just don't know if he deserves to be shunned! He's such a good person..."


"How can you think like that?"


"Well--" she choked a little, "I still love him, Tyler. Part of me would even forgive him if I could talk to him directly."


I didn't comment on that.


"I keep wanting to tell you to go to him and say some things on my behalf, but I can't put you in that position, to say things you don't actually feel."


"That's a conversation you'd need to be there for," I said. "Maybe when you get back..."


She shook her head, "I should move on, really. I said part of me wants to forgive him, but the other part... I'm too devastated."


"That's understandable."


"I want to believe you did all you could," she sighed, "I don't want to go on blaming you, but the alternative is that it still would have happened if I were there, and that's hard to swallow."


"Uh huh." I hoped we weren't going to fight about it again.


"I just can't help it. I think he knew. I think he knew it wasn't me but he couldn't process it so it made him run. I don't care how much you look like me, you're not my essence. You're not even really a woman."


I don't know why, but that bugged me.


I have my own theories as to why it happened, which basically boils down to the relationship being broken on a fundamental level... maybe he was always iffy on her and from what I can tell - I'd never say this to her face but maybe I can get away with writing it here - she took him for granted. The way he behaved around me, he was used to the doormat treatment. It's not hard to see why a guy like that might stray.


I asked if she wanted to discuss our plans for returning to the Inn, and she said things were fine. "I don't want to think about how the life I'm going back to isn't the life I want."


"Fair, I guess."


"I heard you're living with Ryan Moreno now," she said with some consternation in her voice, "Be careful with that one, he's always had a crush on me."


I raised an eyebrow. "He seems fine. He's with someone."


She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, for now..."


I shrugged. "It's going okay. Gotta live somewhere."


"I would have moved back home... if it happened to me. I'd want to be with my mom."


I winced. "She's very sweet, but a bit overbearing I think. Very protective when I told her what happened."


That made her smile, weakly. "She would be."


There was a lull, and she said, "I'm dating someone."


I nearly spat my coffee. "What??"


"It's just casual. It won't interfere with the Inn. But even before the break-up with Josh I was lonely. You could say I'm on the rebound."


In my head I thought, it'd better not interfere. Out loud I said, "Do what you gotta do."


"Do you think you'd like sex, as a woman?"


"I've had it," I answered back, "I liked it, but I'm not missing it."


She snickered, "Liar." She sipped, "You find men attractive?"


"It's... complicated."


She smiled in acknowledgment. "If I told you you could have some, would you?"


I bristled at having to get permission for it. I'd like to think that, after Josh, if I wanted it I would have pursued.


I shrugged. "Someone's bound to get hurt. Maybe me, maybe someone else." I nodded in her direction.


She sipped the last of her coffee and said my words back to me, "Do what you've got to do. We'll talk again soon."


I watched her go, taking her long, lean, willowy frame out into the cold night air. She left me with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach...


Tyler/Val

Tyler/Valerie: Bombshell

Where to begin...


Well, I guess I can thank "Brigette" for giving you all her perspective on the wedding, since I ended up not being able to write about it until now. I guess it's time to explain some of what she was observing but not fully understanding.


As we got closer and closer to the wedding I became stronger in my conviction that Josh wasn't being completely truthful. As someone who is prone to keeping secrets and telling lies and half-truths - sometimes even when I don't have to, I'm sad to say - I recognized too many signs to let it go. Even when I pressed him directly ,and he denied it, I kept strategizing how I would find him out. He may have had Valerie's trust but he hadn't earned mine. Not with that mystery cell phone and those phony flowers.


So on the day of the wedding, my stomach was in knots. my every instinct was yelling at me not to go through with this farce of a ceremony, but I wasn't very well going to stomp off in dramatic fashion on a hunch. There was too much at stake and I was still considering Val's feelings.


Luckily, Josh finally - at the very last minute - did the right thing.


That would be the moment he came to see me in the Bridal Suite and we had our private talk. Now enough time had passed that I don't feel wrong telling you what was said.


He came in with this shoulders-slumped hang dog expression, looking very apologetic and guilt-ridden. I tried not to buy into it, sure it was an act. But even if I was not in a place to trust this guy, we still had some kind of connection based on my time as Valerie, and part of me desperately wanted to believe that he was genuine.


After hemming and hawing for a minute, he started by saying he wanted to apologize in advance... for lying, keeping secrets, all that stuff. That he knew he had done something wrong but that he wa still the same man (Val) had fallen in love with and that if I could forgive him we could probably move forward and adapt, but... but maybe that wasn't possible. and it would be a change.


I told him to cut the rambling already and get to the point.


"I can't marry you, Valerie." he sighed.


I stared coldly at him. "Why not?"


He couldn't even look at me when he said it: "Because I'm already married."


The way he said this indicated that it was not something Val would have known (and honestly the way she'd been acting there was no way she even suspected.) I tried to keep cool outside but there was a fire building inside of me. I hissed: "What."


"It was a mistake, before you and I got together... we rushed in and it fell apart immediately. I always meant to finalize the papers, but... a few months ago, something happened."


Fire building. "What."


"We got to talking, and talk turned into... something else... and, well, it was a mistake."


I said nothing. I knew there had to be more, and there was.


"A little while later, I found out... there were consequences."


I grunted. "Go on."


"She's five months pregnant, Val. She says if I leave her, she'll take everything I have."


I don't know exactly how to describe the sound I made in response to this... a grunt of shock, disappointment, hurt, exasperation, and oddly, satisfaction at being proved right... whatever it was, it definitely wasn't ladylike.


It was hard to process - to filter through any Val perspective I may have had. All I could say was, "God, you fucked up. You fucked up so badly."


To me, it would have been one thing if he had just cheated. Maybe Val could forgive that. It's another to have been married (and facing a likely costly divorce, if he even really wanted to split up from her.) all this time he was engaged, basically defrauding Val about his finances. And then to bring a child into it - all while basically hounding me about knocking me up in the near future! I couldn't overlook it and I was damn sure Valerie would be hurt beyond belief.


I felt like an idiot, sitting there in my whole wedding getup, looking like some teenage girl's idea of a royal wedding, my face painted up and my hair done with hours of care. I felt shattered, almost as bad as finding out I wasn't ever going to be Tyler Blake again. I didn't think it would sting as badly, as personally, as it did, but in the past few months I have been very invested in Valerie's life, her problems, and this was a big problem.


I wanted to get bigger and angrier than I think I am capable of getting in this tiny "cute" body, and that frustrated me even further.


He went to do another round of apologies and begging forgiveness and I cut him off.


I should have called off the wedding. I should have been honest with everybody and told them to go home, but there was so much time and money in this, and I didn't want Val to hear it that way. I didn't want the embarrassment of being publicly humiliated like that, to have to field those questions.


Whether it was the right call or the wrong one, I said... let's go through with the wedding, and deal with all this later.


The license wouldn't be real - polygamy is illegal in New York State, so it would be annulled without delay, I reckoned. The whole thing would effectively be a lie but my whole life is a lie at this point so what's one more. I'm used to it.


Now, as much time as I've spent these past few years as other people, I'm probably not that great an actor so I think probably everyone could tell there was something wrong as I was walking down the aisle. What should have been a beautiful, sacred moment between two people who love each other was instead all just a show (which again, it would have been anyway, only now the whole meaning was changed.) There I was, silently fuming, my voice trembling as I struggled to say "I promise to love, honor and respect you" to a man I hoped I would never have to see again very soon. All I could do was mentally write out how I was even going to explain all this to Val. I felt sick.


After the I Do's, we were alone in the Limo. I could hardly look at him. He tried to start our conversation back up and I cut him off, basically dropping my character.


"You know something, man? I knew there was something wrong with you. You were so fucking lovey-dovey and attentive and all that, that should have been the tip-off. But I wanted to believe and I wanted to trust you. I don't believe you ever wanted to leave her. I think you wanted us both and you only confessed now because you realized you were cornered. Either that or you were too 'nice,' I mean too much of a coward, to come clean and say you didn't want to marry V--me. I fuckin' hate you right now."


Once the words were out of my mouth I realized that they probably hit a lot harder from Val's mouth than from Tyler Blake's, but I didn't care. He deserved to be hurt badly. Some people just do. Some people deserve hell and for once it's not me.
His defense was "I still love you and I still want to be with you, not her."
I sneered. "I don't believe that for a second, and even if you do, you can't. You blew it."


We put our fake smiles back on as best we could for the reception but after unloading like that obviously neither of us were really feeling like having our "first dance" or feeding cake to each other. We just kind of relied on the natural hustle and bustle of a wedding to keep us busy, while I made it clear to Anna that I needed to speak with her in private before the end of the night, but only after as much of the festivities as we could get through. I was relying on her to guide me through all the thanks and congratulations.


When all that was satisfied, I took her outside and did my best to break the news to her as gently as it would come, but how you tell somebody their would-be husband is a babydaddy without causing a scene, I don't know. Valerie started hyperventilating and stormed out, never to return. When I texted her, she said she needed to process all of this.


Keep in mind, she didn't want me sleeping with him in her body, so the idea that he would be pursuing an affair - even a non-physical one - was probably not going to be something she could take well, not that I blame her.


And that was the night. The night that was supposed to be so magical and perfect turned out to be exceptionally shitty. I told Josh that I needed him to go on the Honeymoon alone, and that when he came back, I would be out of the apartment and after a reasonable length of time we would tell "our friends" that it just didn't work out, although now that I think about it, I don't know why I should lie and feel embarrassed just because I/Valerie was wronged. He's the fuck-up, he should face it.


Anyway. What I did while Josh was away - where I'm living and how I spent my "Honeymoon," I'll explain another time because that's a whole other story. This was draining. And it wasn't even really my wedding in the first place, and on top of all that, I've been fighting a cold all week, and believe me, Valerie's body is one of the less-resilient ones I've had.


-Tyler

Pete/Brigette: The Blushing Bride

I haven't known Tyler very long, in person, but combining what I know about him/her through the blog with what I have learned since meeting her at the Inn, I could tell this Josh thing was really upsetting her. Her Bachelorette Party was the Saturday before the wedding and she was obviously very sullen. Who could blame her. Even if, to the outside observer, she was a woman about to marry the man she had loved since she was a teenager, a select few know the truth: that inside, she is a person being forced into a very awkward scenario at best, a permanently life-altering one at worst.


"Anna" was invited, at Tyler's behest, although seeing "herself" all pouty put her in a bad mood, especially seeing the effect it was having on the atmosphere. To maintain cover, she didn't cling to Valerie too much, and instead seemed to enjoy being able to walk amongst her friends and relatives as a "stranger."


I tried to liven things up a bit. When we got to the bar, I ordered a round of shots, and let a guy drink out of my navel. I wasn't planning on doing it but it was a spur-of-the-moment impulse that felt right for me at the time. I'm all about new experiences and as you can guess, being an attractive black woman in the city has provided plenty of those. (He lost interest in me after I spanked him at pool and maybe rubbed it in too much.)


By the time of the wedding day, Tyler told me, things had gotten worse rather than better. She had mentioned the flowers to Josh, and he came up with what she referred to as a "lame explanation" about changing his mind what kind of bouquet he'd wanted to give, and that was all... on paper it seems fine to me, but she explained she could feel he was just making something up on the spot.


I clung close to Tyler's side on the wedding day. There obviously aren't a lot of chances to get a private conversation with the Bride, especially with Nosy Marie the Maid of Honor insisting she be Val's shadow all day, but I was a good liaison between Tyler and the real Valerie, who also didn't have much access given she was just a "random, last minute guest." (I feel like Marie somewhat resented their sudden closeness when "Anna" seemed to have come out of nowhere in the last few weeks.)


By the time I finally saw Tyler, in the gown and make-up, she was, I can't deny it, absolutely gorgeous. I'm sure she didn't want to hear it, and at best it was bittersweet, but that body knows how to wear a dress. She's got tits until Tuesday and curves in all the right places, and just the cutest face.


She kind of gave me an eyeroll when I said so. "Just part of the job," she grumbled in that very Tyler way (albeit with Val's cutesy falsetto voice.)


"Well, if you don't mind me saying so, I know it's the Bride's day, but personally, I think I'm wearing the hell out of this Bridesmaid's dress, too." So sue me if I feel like I look good and wanted to work it.


I should note that my date for the wedding, Chad, is the real Brigette - she has become a white frat-boy type of guy, and may I say, looks quite dashing in a suit. "Don't get any ideas," he said knowingly. "The whole screw yourself idea doesn't appeal to me."


I winked, "Never know, after a few champagnes..." S/he responded with a look that said "Don't make this weird," so I laid off for the night, but we did dance a bit.


As Marie and I were tending to Tyler in the Bridal suite, Josh showed up. Marie tried to bar him from entering due to superstition, but I coaxed her away to let the two talk - she seemed bitter that I would be privy to any drama between them that she wouldn't.


I tried to listen through the door but they spoke in hushed voices for a while. Then he came out looking like he'd seen a ghost. I almost thought maybe Tyler had told the truth, and he had believed it... but there was no indication of that for the rest of the day.


We took our seats in the Church. If there was something wrong, Josh wore a decent poker face. The whole place fell silent as the Bridal march played, and I watched Tyler - as convincing as Valerie as she's ever been - march toward the altar. "Chad" and I kept our eyes partly on "Anna," two seats over, tearing up, clearly overcome.


As they delivered their vows, there was clearly some nervousness, and maybe others would chalk it up to just regular wedding jitters but I feel like there's more going on. But before you knew it, the ring was on the finger, and the kiss was done, the paperwork signed and that was it.


Valerie Stewart is a married woman.


But as they back walked down the aisle, Ty's glance caught me, and it seemed like she was trying to tell me something, something more than what I already know about how effed up this wedding is.


The reception was... a bit flat. There were speeches, Tyler seemed very disengaged, and she and Josh barely even seemed to look at each other. I had wanted to get Tyler alone and ask what exactly had happened, but the Bride made the rounds (checking in with Anna for a refresher on who everybody was) and was hard to pin down. When I finally did get her, between courses, she gave me this "We'll talk later" brushoff, but... we never did.


Chad and I danced a bit, although he was nervous about getting close. So I played wingwoman and helped him pick out girls to talk to all night who weren't secretly his proper body. That said, we did have kind of a good time together - we talked about leaning into potential attraction to the opposite sex, and he played it down like maybe his biology was telling him something but he really just wanted to have innocent fun. He also noted how glad he was not to be wearing my shoes. (I changed into slip-ons as soon as I was able!) We also did our best to buoy Anna's spirits, but it's hard to help the "This should be my wedding" blues.


I got hit on a fair bit once it was clear I was not "with" Chad, and got a few phone numbers. Whether I plan on doing anything about it depends on what kind of innocent fun I want to have for the rest of my time here.


Ty and Josh seemed to duck out early, and once a Bride and Groom leave the reception is basically over. I haven't seen Ty since, and I assume they went on the honeymoon as planned.


I guess we'll have to wait for the rest of the story, sorry.


-"Brigette"

Trip / Kat - Twisted

After getting back from Nicole's little road-trip adventure, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about things from my current point-of-view.

Nicole has always been a looker - she's one of those girls who is always making the boys' heads turn. Even though she's quite a bit younger than I was - she had that effect on me - HAD, that effect - even when I tried to think of her in a sexual manner, I found it very difficult to feel turned-on. I don't know if it's because I'm getting used to looking at my own naked female body, or if it has something to do with my being someone else now. Maybe it's the fact that I've tried to condition myself with shame and guilt every time I started to feel aroused when looking at my own naked body... my cousin's naked body.

I didn't put much thought into the issue - I mean, I'm still wary of any intimate contact... I just don't see this as being my body.

But then... I caught a glimpse of Bill after he lost his trunks in the lake. The feeling was a bit different, but much the same as I remember it... I had to have turned a thousand shades of red when I realized that Bill caught me staring. He seemed to be a gentleman about it, and he never said a word about it... though I'm pretty sure it helped ease his flirting along. Every time he brushed against me, or grabbed my hand to help me up, or put his hand in the small of my back... My God, I thought I was going to melt! I was so damn confused... and scared, I wanted to go home and hide - but it felt so nice, too, that I didn't want it to end.

I had to know, was this just some residual feeling that I had from when Kat and Bill dated... or was this all me... well, the new me, anyhow.

So, my cousin Anna and I went clubbing - and that seemed to confirm that I am still much more interested in members of the opposite sex. Just that now, that means men. I'm not really sure I'm too happy with that... even though my body seems quite eager.

Although, I'm fairly curious as to what sex might feel like from this perspective - I'm certainly in NO hurry to act on anything and find out for real - that's for sure.

I guess I no-longer have any idea what that makes my sexual orientation now... besides twisted.

Trip / Kat - Busy Week

I guess blogging is like dieting - once you stop, it takes such great effort to get back into it again. Speaking of which, I think I need to go on a diet - these clothes keep feeling like they're getting tighter every day.

Anyhow...

Last week was a whirlwind of activity. My sister decided to part with her kids for the week, so they can visit the farm. On top of all my chores around the farm, I ended-up with a fair amount of babysitting too. I'm not complaining though - I love them dearly, and keeping busy entertaining a 6 and 10 year-old kept my mind off of my own problems, for the most part.

Wednesday, one of my uncles stopped by on his way back from visiting his son last week as well. That was an event - It was pretty short notice, but we were able to get a decent supper put together for a handful of other family members who were available to stop by and visit. In all, we had nearly 20 bodies to feed - I think we did well for the short notice. Thankfully, we had only to worry about the main course, the sides and desserts were brought by some of our guests.

I can tell you that I don't have any of Kat's cooking skills. My gravy-making skills are still a bit lumpy. On the other hand, I think I've just about got the chicken-frying down.

My cousin Anna pulled me to the side during the night, she was a bit concerned that I... that Kat, hadn't let her know she was back. Anna's 25, and is a bit of a home body - but she's apparently been looking forward to going "clubbing" with recently legal-to-drink Kat. I feigned an enthusiastic approval for a Saturday night expedition, secretly dreading the event all the while.

Being Kat has felt a bit awkward ever since I woke up this way, but trying to figure out what I should wear and how I should look to go clubbing was likely the most confusing and trying thing I've faced since the day after I got home. I couldn't get Jadyn to answer her phone, and Kat's cell seemed to be turned off. I finally just hoped for the best and tried to look nice. I think it took an hour of applying and removing make-up before I got a look I was fairly happy with.

I guess I must have done okay, Anna never mentioned anything... and I felt like some piece of meat in the middle of a pack of wolves that my stomach turned. It took every fiber of my being to not just run out of the bar and lock myself in my room. I had to keep telling myself that this was all normal... that, for now, I looked like an attractive young woman... that this was something that I'd wanted, or at least wondered about for so many years... that every woman probably has to deal with the same thing, and that they all survived. I'm not sure that my attempts to bolster my own confidence were as successful as the alcohol. Anna (and probably every guy in the bar too), kept a cold beer in front of me... Or so I'm told. I don't remember much after the first couple shots of Tequila.

I find it interesting that I was drinking beer most of the night though - it's not something that I've been able to drink in the past... back when I was myself.

One thing that I remember from Saturday night is one of my friends... Trip's friend, Mike, 'pawing' me all night long. I know my initial reaction was a bit muted from what I'd like to have done - but not wanting to destroy Kat's social life, I just tried my best not to draw any attention to his random touches. Although I blame much on the alcohol - I still find it a bit disturbing that after awhile, I'm pretty sure that I was actually starting to enjoy being held and touched by him... and I really want to forget about the kiss. Don't get me wrong, my buddy Mike is a good guy for the most part, but he is an absolute dog when it comes to the way he treats women. I'd have knocked him out had I ever caught him doing to Kat what he did to me Saturday - and it scares me that I had no such thoughts Saturday night. Thank God Anna got me home before I did... well, I don't know... something completely stupid.

I'm going to claim that these memories had more to do with my being sick Sunday morning than the alcohol. I guess this was my first real hangover - I have NEVER felt as ill and wanting-to-die as I did yesterday morning. I guess this body just doesn't deal with alcohol like my old one did.

Today is going to be a long day... I swear, I think I still have a hangover.