Cliff/Tori: All dressed up and no place to ho...

Hurray for me! I'm getting my sense of humor back.

This weekend has been quiet, unusually so. This is mostly because the parents have gone away, leaving me in charge of the house (gee thanks.) Friday night after work I went out to the bar with "the gang:" Thom & Sara, Raine, Cyndi from work, and her boyfriend. It wasn't awkward, and indeed was rather uneventful; we avoided the "fifth and sixth wheel" rut Raine and I got into last time I wrote about it and actually had a nice night. Uneventful.

Saturday, as you must know, was Halloween. I made dinner for Mae and myself. Cooking was something I actually enjoyed for years, since I've been on my own for a while, I started learning to cook since before I left college. Not that I could work in a restaurant or anything, I'm no iron chef. I just know how to cook a decent variety of small meals. You know, like if I ever had a date....... but let's not worry about that now that I am Tori. I will state however that I never thought cooking was a "feminine" trait. My dad was a good cook too, it's important.

Sadly, we didn't have much in the house for me to work with, so I just made spaghetti and meat sauce, which used a somewhat special recipe. And garlic bread. We sat down to eat quietly... Mae and I always have these long awkward silences when it's just the two of us, obviously sibling hostility left over from when Tori was herself. I mean, I'd resent it if I was still at home and my older brother came back and sponged off my parents. I can relate, but I can't make her understand that. So I just have to accept things as they are; there's always going to be some discomfort between us.

Point to ponder: It's one thing to become "a girl." It's another thing to become a different person. It's been said before but this is one of those times that underlined it.

Anyway, not much was said for a while until she broke the ice by remarking how good the food tasted. I played it down, saying it wasn't anything much, but she pressed it, "No, seriously, since when can you cook?"

"It's nothing special, really. Anyone could do this. It's just following directions."

She half-joked "Since when can you follow directions?" I smirked, snorted a quick laugh, and kept eating with no comment. She looked at me and asked, "Are you wearing my shirt?"

I was wearing one of those American Eagle plaid overshirts I bought when I was in Louisville. Mae has a number of similar clothes. I explained this.

"Right," she said, slurping her spaghetti, "When you were visiting your mysterious 'friends' out in Kentucky."

"That's right. Why, what do you think I was doing?"

"I have no idea," she joked, "And frankly, I don't wanna know. I'm just saying, you're copying my style. You've never done that. What's going on with you?"

"I dunno," I shrugged, "People change."

She was finishing up her meal when she changed the tone to an unexpectedly honest one. "You know, I'm sorry if I've been a bitch to you since you came back," she sighed. "You've been really cool lately and I'm starting to think I'm going a bit overboard with some of the stuff I've been saying."

It was really nice to hear, although she didn't need to say it. It was easy for me to keep from taking it seriously, because I knew it wasn't about me anyway, and I have plenty of experience ragging on/being ragged on by my brother and other guys. Maybe Tori wasn't so thick-skinned about it.

"Don't worry, Mae," I said, "I mean, we're (ahem) sisters," that was me clearing my throat so as to not choke on admitting to being someone's sister, "It's what we do."

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to like the new you. Anyway, I'll probably be out late. Ed's coming to pick me up," her little boyfriend, Raine's brother. "Don't tell mom and dad, okay?"

"You got it." It was a nice moment. I felt trusted.

She left me, alone with the dog. Now, I was supposed to go out and party with Raine and Sara. We were all going to dress up as Disney Princesses. Actually, they were going as Disney princesses (Raine as Belle, Sara as Jasmine.) I got a "sexy Robin Hood" outfit despite their protests; I argued that Disney did Robin Hood too, but they said that was missing the point. Then they joked about wearing a red shirt and no pants and going as Winnie the Pooh. Anyway, I was drawn to the costume because of the, er, gender-type implications, but after trying it on, I felt a little too sexy (plus I could hardly breathe in it) so I decided not to go.

I spent the evening hanging out with the dog, handing out candy and watching movies -- Ghostbusters 1 & 2, then Gremlins 1 & 2. Of course, Gremlins 1 is more of a Christmas movie, but... anyway. Around 9, I hadn't gotten any trick-or-treaters in a while so I turned out the front lights, and as the movies played I stripped out of my costume. Yes, despite what I said about not being able to breathe, I wore the costume because I wanted to wear something and it was either that or a large men's vampire outfit buried in "dad's" closet. Don't worry, I wore a shirt underneath to avoid exposing all the little kids to my cleavage.

Anyway, being the lazy disorganized sort of the night, I neglected to even put on a new layer of clothes. I went about in my bra and panties doing laundry and other household chores. Cleaned the dishes, shaved my legs. I fell asleep on the couch around two, half-dressed cuddling with the dog, with a half a beer on the coffee table.

When Mae got in a little later, she was sure to snap a picture. Not amusing. We talked a little about her date, which is something we hadn't done before.

Back in my own life, I used to go out and party on Halloween, usually making a drunken fool of myself or striking out. I didn't mind a quieter night, but it does get lonely.

Cliff/Tori: Pulling my weight

Since I'm still not working (although I've stumbled onto some promising leads) I pass the time and help around the house by doing chores. I guess in theory I'm supposed to be splitting them with Mae, but she's kinda lazy, and gets indignant whenever I ask her to pitch in. Maybe she feels like Tori shouldn't be living at home, and this is her punishment.

Well, that's an irritating attitude. I didn't ask to live here, if I had my I'd be back home in my own place, which I kept tidy mostly be working a lot and being too tired at the end of the day to mess it up too much. I think I've been punished enough, and for no reason. But I can't really explain this to her. So what's a guy to do? I grin and bear it. And I bury my frustrations.

I'm thinking of taking up boxing just so I can have something to punch.

So one of my chores is to walk the family dog. Scruff. He's a big old English sheepdog, which might not have been a problem when I was a man and had a bit more size and strength (I never thought I was a particularly strong man until I started having trouble with heavy doors and tricky jars... urgh.) But now it's a bit of a chore to out-muscle this dog when he wants to go one way and I don't. That said, he's a very friendly dog, very sweet and affectionate... although the first time I met him he shoved his nose directly into my newly-female crotch.

So the other afternoon I was getting in from a promising interview just in time to have to walk him. It was hot out and I had changed into something a bit breezier, a gray tank top and no bra, with shorts. As I was struggling between holding the dog back with one arm and trying to pick up his poop with the other, I hear a voce behind me. "Tori? Hey! Where've you been?"

I turn and see a guy I don't recognize. I've looked at a lot of Tori's Facebook friends' profiles, but not all of them, and I couldn't recall the names of any of the ones I've seen anyway, off the top of my head, not the guys anyway. Mostly, they're dudes she went to school with that wanted to date her but had no berve (I sympathize,) or guys she did date at one point but stayed friends with. This guy looked like the latter. He was nicely dressed, smelled like aftershave. I braced myself and began to sweat.

"Hey... I've been... hanging around the house mostly, wasting the summer, looking for work. You?"

"I just got back from Texas. I thought you went to Europe?"

"No, that was just Raine and Sara. I did go to Maine..." I started stumbling my way through what I know of Tori's backstory. He asks me if I want to go to "that juice place we like." I said not right now, I'm walking the dog. He offers to join me.

Ugh. It was painful. I kept quiet and nodded along to his small talk, but had no idea who he was or what Tori's true relationship to him was. He didn't seem to act like they'd had sex or dated, but it felt like it was possible. I was very uncomfortable.

We got back to my place before long. I gave the dog a treat and he reiterated his offer for juice. Then he said a couple words that have been ringing in my ears ever since.

"My treat."

I shouldn't feel compelled to keep up too strongly with Tori's life and friends. If I end up liking them and getting along with them, on my own terms, I'll be fine, but I don't want to feel like because they are Tori's friends they deserve my company. So I've been dodging people like this guy since I arrived in Philadelphia. Then he said the words "my treat" and suddenly I was very thirsty for juice.

It's weird. Based almost purely on what I look like, people like this want to spend money to spend time with me. I didn't want to go with the guy, but if he was that eager to buy me some juice, I thought, what could the harm be in spending an afternoon with the guy?

So I went with him, a few blocks away from my place, being sure to memorize the route. He told me some anecdotes about people I'm supposed to know. I faked it as best as I could, but when I didn't laugh he asked what was up with me. I told him my mind was someplace else. Well, ain't that the truth.

He asked about my job, I said I left the hair salon because I didn't get along with my boss. He just looked at me like he was rolling his eyes (but wasn't literally) and thinking "Not again." I guess this is the type of pattern Tori has settled into. Which of course makes it damn frustrating to find work.

"Well," he says, "I'll let you know if I hear something." I thought that was nice, although I still had no idea who he was or what he could help me with. In any case, I accepted his offer, at least nominally.

I wasn't comfortable with the whole afternoon though. It felt too much like a date - not like it was really a date, but like he wanted it to be a date. I do believe guys and girls can hang out and not be romantic, I've had enough platonic female friends (read: girls who have rejected me) that I know this can be done. But few of them really looked like Tori. He kept looking at me with this expression I recognized from myself. Like a muted, buried desire. Like somewhere deep down in his brains he was wondering what he had to do to get with me.

It made me feel really weird. Really uncomfortable. But I couldn't do anything because he didn't make a move or anything, he just sat there, being... polite.

When I got home, I was rushing through the house to go to my computer and see exactly who it was I'd spent an hour and a half with, when I passed Mae in the kitchen. "Dude, were you just out like that?"

"Uh yeah, why?"

Then I paused. I hadn't bothered to put a bra on after dropping off the dog, and the tank top didn't offer much support. My boobs were swinging free and I hardly even noticed. But I bet that guy did. Fuck!!

So after going to my room and lying on the bed with my face buried in pillows for a while to look the guy up.

His name is Thom Weiss. According to his profile, he's in "Marketing" which is not terribly specific. Tori dated his older brother for a few months, and I guess they got along okay. So I can assume he hasn't seen Tori naked... but that doesn't mean he didn't want to. And now I think he really wants to.

Every day it seems like I find a new way to feel like an utter clod. I'm a mess.