Thursday, November 22, 2007

Kat - Losses

This morning we got word that my mother's mother passed-away. She was my last living grandparent... as Trip, she's no relation to me now... And that hurts me so. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out. I feel the loss as if she was my own grandmother, yet she is somehow not supposed to be.

How can I deny my love for her and the loss I feel? How do I explain the depth and intimacy of my sorrow?

I could have... I could... dammit! If only I'd let someone else help Jadyn, and I'd taken my vacation in California... I'd never be in this position. All those years of putting it off until "later". Well, there are no "later"s now! I've lost my grandmother... forever. If I'd only gone to California instead, then I wouldn't be so damn worked-up, or at least I'd have family with whom to share my grieving.

I feel horrible, because I feel that my grief makes me look rude. I hate this! It's not so much that I've lost my grandmother... but that it's as if she was never my grandma in the first-place... and that I'm not supposed to be feel anything. I just wish everything was back to the way it used to be!!!


Anonymous said...

You have every right to feel your grief, even if you can't express it in front of the people around you now. Who among your acquaintances currently knows who's living behind your eyes? Someone nearby? Someone you can call? Perhaps you should call up one of them, on the excuse of 'I just need to talk to somebody who'll understand', and talk it out, because it sounds like you're dealing with two losses here, both Trip's grandmother and Trip, and I think that both levels of grieving need to be acknowledged.

Perhaps you can send an anonymous or pseudonymous floral arrangement to the funeral, and that will help you to feel that you've expressed your feelings in a meaningful way? Effectively 'putting one over' on whatever forces, sentient or otherwise, caused your change?

Your past life is still inside you, because it's part of your habits and experiences; it's part of what makes you you. It didn't become unreal or invalid just because you changed and began experiencing life in your current form and name/role. Even if no one else sees it, you do. If you can get to where you can see that you still own those experiences, and can see how much broader an understanding they bring to your current situation, perhaps you can gain a greater sense of ownership of yourself and your current life.

Kat said...

Thanks Kiai,

It's not so much having someone to talk to, as it was the outward display of emotion, and not being able to hide it.

Thanks for the anonymous floral arrangement idea - I didn't think of that. I don't think it helped much, but it was still felt like the right thing to do.

I guess that as much as I want to just move-on with life, this whole thing with having been someone else still rears its ugly head to screw with my life.