This morning we got word that my mother's mother passed-away. She was my last living grandparent... as Trip, she's no relation to me now... And that hurts me so. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out. I feel the loss as if she was my own grandmother, yet she is somehow not supposed to be.
How can I deny my love for her and the loss I feel? How do I explain the depth and intimacy of my sorrow?
I could have... I could... dammit! If only I'd let someone else help Jadyn, and I'd taken my vacation in California... I'd never be in this position. All those years of putting it off until "later". Well, there are no "later"s now! I've lost my grandmother... forever. If I'd only gone to California instead, then I wouldn't be so damn worked-up, or at least I'd have family with whom to share my grieving.
I feel horrible, because I feel that my grief makes me look rude. I hate this! It's not so much that I've lost my grandmother... but that it's as if she was never my grandma in the first-place... and that I'm not supposed to be feel anything. I just wish everything was back to the way it used to be!!!