Saturday, November 24, 2007

Kat - Memories

As much as I want to just move-on with my life... my "new" life - The whole 'having been someone else until just recently' thing looks like it's going to screw with "my" past. I have memories of being someone else, growing up a boy on a farm. I have all these memories of the people I grew up with, went to school with... things I did, things I learned... experiences. All these memories that don't match this body. Then there are people who expect me to remember them, and all the things "we" did together, the things "we" learned, to 'feel' things that I'm not familiar with.

It took the loss of a loved one to shake me from my stupor. It took that loss to really drive home the fact that I can't be that girl that people remember, I'll never be able to be her. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm still determined to make this life my own - I owe that to Frank, at least... and in a way, I owe it to myself. I told myself that I could do this, that I could make this life my own, and that I could make it a happy life.

I don't expect it to be easy, but I never realized that it'd be so damn hard.

If I'm going to do this, I'm just going to have to try harder.

I pulled out "my" photo albums and scrapbook, and tried to remember a past I never experienced. I thought about how I'm supposed to share, with feeling, all of these captured memories with my spouse and children... well, you know, if I decide to take that path.

I called 'Pete' Thursday... I really don't know, I guess I thought that perhaps I could have him tell me the whole story of "my" past... to detail all the memories that I'm missing from my new past. I guess I wasn't really surprised that it wasn't successful - it's an impossible task... well, as far as I know. Especially over the phone.

Needless to say, he wants to visit and go through those memories with me. I'm not sure I'm really okay with that, I do need his help, but that last visit ended really, REALLY weirdly. He then reminded me that the anniversary of "my" parents' death is coming up, and he wants to stop and remember them. Strange how death seems to call my family mostly in the fall and winter. I guess "my friend Pete" will be coming to visit in a couple of weeks. There's no way that I could turn him away, after going through what I just did. He may be "Pete" now, but they were her parents... when he was me.

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