Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Todd/Anne-Marie: Smart girl

In case my last post was too long, let me summarize it: "Tl;dr - Hal cries after we do it and it bums me out."

I have a tendency to ramble here. I mean, I feel like I owe it to you guys to present as much of the story as I can manage, not to mention for my own benefit for when I walk away from this whole thing. So in that respect I feel like I've done a disservice to Connor and Hayley.

I'll be the first to admit that over the past nine months as Anne-Marie I've sort of... failed as a mother. I don't think you can really blame me, but I carry a lot of guilt because of it. As Todd, I really wasn't the kind of guy you would want to have around your 12-year-old daughter. I had my vice. Shit man, I was a vice, and between me and Bryan, we were about as bad an influence as you could hope for without getting arrested.

So for a long time I kept distant from the two of them, and then the birthday things started to happen and I had to revise my decision, because these are vulnerable young kids who need a strong sense of parental guidance, or something. And I realize this, because after looking at the way I was living Anne-Marie's life, and looking back at my life as Todd... it wasn't something I had growing up. And I didn't want Hayley and Connor having that, not when I was in a position to help it.

So that was the first step, realizing there was a problem. The next step was in deciding what to do about it. Kids are pretty sharp, and they realize something's off if you jsut start being all buddy-buddy with them. The New York trip was a part of that, although I had my ulterior motive wanting to meet other Inn people, as well as getting a chance to see a city for once. In the end, it was a short-term solution. I still don't have a long-term one - but I've at least broken the ice.

Tuesday night, around 1 AM I came downstairs after yet another bedroom session with Hal. I was still puzzling about what I could do for him other than sex, because I could tell he's hurting. So I go into the kitchen for a glass of milk, turn on the light, and who should I see but little miss Hayley.

"Isn't it a school night?" I ask.

"I couldn't sleep. I think I'm sick."

I felt an oddly motherly sense of dread, just for a moment. With all this pandemic talk I've suddenly gotten very paranoid, maybe because I'm supposed to be "guardian of the family" and I don't do a particularly good job. But then that panic subsides and realism sets in and I start to joke. I have her open her mouth so I can look at her swollen throat. "Hm," I says, "This doesn't look good at all. Have you been licking any strange pigs lately? Mexican pigs?"

"Mom," she giggles, then coughs, "Don't be so gross. Or racist."

I turn and look at her. A smirk crossed my face. What a clever remark from a little girl like her. "Here sweetie, I'll fix you some herbal tea." I make sure it's non-caffeinated before I set the kettle on.

"So sick you can't sleep, eh?" I ask, sitting across the table from her, "I know that feeling."

"It's not really 'cause I'm sick," she tells me. "It's 'cause you and dad were being so loud."

Oh. My.

I was caught somewhat off guard, so I tried to play it cool. "Oh, were we being loud? I'm sorry about that."

She asks, "Are you guys fighting? You can tell me."

Now I cough with laughter. "No, we're not fighting."

"Oh," she says, "That's too bad. I didn't think you were, but I thought it was either that or the other thing."

"The other thing?" She just glares at me. Awkward. I start to get hot with embarrassment. "Depends what you mean by that." I know exactly what she means, and she knows I know.

She doesn't even wait for confirmation when she asks, "Is it fun?" Pause. "Does it feel good?"

This, I had not been counting on. All I wanted was a glass of milk and suddenly I've been blindsided into a "talk." I never even had a "talk" with my own mother. All she ever did was tell me to be safe after she found out I was already doing it. Well mom, look at me now. On second thought, don't.

Back to Hayley. I start to stammer what I think a little girl should hear. Sex is bad, don't do it, boys only want one thing. I get halfway through my opening statement "No, it doesn't feel good--" when I stop myself. I lie about enough things every single day. This girl is sharp, she has an excellent bullshit detector. If anyone's ever going to be straight with her, it's going to be me, right now.

"I'm not gonna lie to you," I tell her, "People wouldn't think about it so much if it weren't fun. Boys like it because it's easy for them. Girls like it because it makes boys like them." I'm broaching some extremely dangerous territory. "But it's worth waiting for. And it's very important that you care about the person you're doing it with." I was trying my best not to sound like a hypocrite. So I did the soft sell for abstinence. Frankly, I think I did all right, and I could tell she appreciated me being forthright with her.

If there's one thing I know, it's that telling her sex is bad, or wrong, is only going to make her want to try it for herself, at her earliest opportunity (and if what those alarmist tabloid shows say is true, it could be soon.) I think she's a smart enough girl that she went into the discussion with certain ideas, and my words reassured her.

It was tough, but I think even actual parents have a hard time with this stuff, so I went back to bed proud of myself. I've also made a point to try to be more discrete. Hayley's room is a ways down the hall from the master. Yowza.



Anonymous said...

In the prior post, you talk about how Hal is OK but not great in bed. How about you? Here it sounds like you're quite enjoying yourself. Maybe Hal isn't so bad after all. How do you think you're doing in satisfying him? Do you think that if you were better, he would be, too, and you'd actually be more satisfied? Just wondering....

Todd/AM said...

I guess I'm a little hard on the guy (hur hur.) But there's a difference between "I like what Hal does for me" and "I think Hal is a great partner." He doesn't exactly put in a lot of effort, and I don't either. And probably, if his wife tried harder, he'd get a little more inspired, but that's really not gonna happen. My mind is elsewhere these days... so to speak.

How do I think I'm doing in satisfying him? Well from the point of view of a man in disguise, I'd say everything's fine. At least, I've yet to hear any complaints. Besides, selfish as this sounds, I'm not in this for him.

Wow, this have been some really thought provoking questions... hopefully my answers make sense. Sometimes it's still really hard for me to communicate what I'm trying. Even after all this sex talk and "22 times in one month" part of me still thinks "You are not supposed to like this, and it's not okay to talk about." Is that weird, coming from a guy who used to talk about sex basically anytime he felt like it?

J.B. said...

Bear in mind that if Hayley could hear you doing it, Conner probably heard it, as well. And while I doubt Conner will say anything to you about it, he may say something to his dad -- and I don't that's going to do much to improve Hal's state of mind...

Todd/AM said...

If Connor's heard anything, he hasn't said so to me. Plus, the kid sleeps like a rock. But don't think I'm not worried.