1 AM and blogging. Seems like I only have time to think about my life when I should be sleeping. I guess that says something, but I'm not sure what.
I met "Kalli" - the real Ellie - for the first time at the funeral. She approached me, wiping tears from her eyes, and asked if she could speak to me in private, because she felt really vulnerable being there, being so upset, but not being free to say who she was. We went for a little walk. I got the sense that she wanted to take her mind off the sadness of the moment by having a sort-of normal conversation.
She asked me if she was missing anything interesting. I told her there probably wasn't anything she couldn't do without. I mean, it's only grade 9 (or "ninth grade.") I didn't really know what to say. I kinda wanted to apologize for the way I've been running her life, but the truth is, I'm doing my best and haven't got much to apologize for. But I didn't say anything, and she went on.
"So... what do you like better? Boy or girl?"
Something about the question struck me awkward so I didn't answer right away. I thought it should be obvious.
"I kinda wish the inn turned me into a boy," she said. "I mean everything's been so crazy, right, but since I know we're... going back... I feel like I'm missing out. That would've been so cool. Me with a penis." She snorted some laughter. "Guess I'll never know."
I look down, embarrassed, "I don't think you'd like it. I mean, I can't wait to get back, 'cause that's what I am. I think when your mind and you r body don't match up, something goes... freaky."
"Did you ever read the old posts on the blog? Like that chick Ashlyn. She was a guy, and she seemed to like the change."
"I don't think you're lookin' at it properly," I said, "She made an adjustment, which is really cool, because eventually she learned there was like no chance of going back how things were before. But ever since we figured out how to go back, I've been freaking out basically all the time, because I know I don't belong and I won't be here much longer. If I had to be you forever..." I sighed. "It would be different." I realized I never answered her question. "I like being me, because that's who I am."
"Don't you like anything about being me?"
By this point we were sitting on a bench by the parking lot. I slouched down and looked down at my breasts, at my hands, at my thin little legs. "I like being you sometimes... because Leanne likes you."
She stared off into space for a while and then said "No she doesn't. She doesn't know me."
"Well she likes someone. If I was me when I met her, she probably just would'a wanted to be my friend, call me a breeder and help me pick up other chicks. And that was if she wasn't a teenager. But because I look like you, she... she sees me in a way I wanna see myself." I can feel myself starting to cry a little bit, but I try to sniffle it back. Damnit, don't let this girl think you've gone girly.
"Well I'm really sorry about that," she grumbled, "I mean, you're gonna have to do something about it before we go, because I'm really not interested in that."
"How do you know for sure, though?"
She told me some things that I probably shouldn't put here. I don't think Anne-Marie reads the blog, but I wouldn't wanna betray Ellie's trust be talking about it here where it might get back to her. Suffice it to say it has to do with this Todd Jones guy and what Ellie may or may not be willing to do/already done with him. I told her it still wasn't concrete, and she just said that no matter what she wasn't interested in girls, and was upset at what I was doing with her body.
"Like two minutes ago," I snapped, "You were saying you wanted to try being a boy."
"Yeah, just for like, shits and giggles! That's different! If I was a boy and I liked girls that would be okay. And if you're a girl liking boys is okay."
"So it's not okay to like girls if you're a girl?" I'm pretty fucking outraged here.
"No I mean, it's not okay if you're me!"
I just stopped and buried my head in my hands, because there was no goddamn way we were gonna resolve this argument.
So I said "I guess it won't matter in a few months because you can go back to being you and blow whatever guys you want." (Oops, secrets out. Sorry I was just so pissed thinking back on the memory that I just... had to.)
"God Bryan, you're being a bitch here. You got me into this mess and if you don't do something to get out of it, that girl might really get hurt. You know what I'm saying?"
I got her drift -- if I leave it to her to end things with Leanne, she might be a little less nice about it. I didn't like hearing it, but I took it since there's nothing I can do. I wiped more tears away.
"Of all the bodies I could'a woken up in, why yours, goddamnit?"
She stood up to walk away. "I don't want to hurt you guys, Bryan. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sorry about whatever happened that you got so caught up with a teenage relationship. I wish we could've talked sooner, but I got a job in a supermarket a while ago, and that keeps me kinda busy."
My tears turned to laughter. She asked me what was so funny.
I told her, "I worked in a supermarket too. I think I still do, unless Amanda found me a better job."
Then she started laughing, and we laughed together a while, and she left. I went back in, and that's when I started thinking about my great uncle, and Todd told you the rest.
I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. I've ended a lot of relationships - and had just as many ended for me - but never while it was going so well. Why does my best relationship in years have to be so....... fucked up?
I'm just saying if somewhere down the road, Ellie finds she really likes the feeling she gets from seeing other girls' breasts, I'll laugh my goddamn face off.
I guess what ever happens happens.
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