I was not looking forward to the pool party on Saturday. It hit me again, around the time of my last post, how many things have been out of my control since my stay at the inn. Move to this city, live in this house with this family, dress this way, be called this name... be friends with these people... I mean, even as shitty as my life could be it was my life, and I was living the way I wanted to, not because some stupid magic curse turned me into someone.
But let's be honest, this was really about swimsuits. Despite the occasional moments of angst, I've resigned myself to just throwing up my hands and saying "Okay, what's next?" I'm already trapped in this body and this life and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm Tori for the time being. I get it. I can't change it, not right now anyway. I'm willing, somewhat, to accept the reality of my situation, and yet, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about it. Days go by and it gets weirdly easier to look at the girl in the mirror and live her life because there's no other option. But that does not mean I was interested in flaunting what I now have. Let's face it: most girls who look like Tori (and many who do not) prefer comparably revealing bathing suits.
I used to love swimming when I was a kid, but I haven't been since high school. Tori seems to be into it as she had about 7 or 8 swimsuits, all bikinis. I chose the ones that looked least likely to fall off, with the thickest straps and most boob and butt coverage. Black. Frankly, I'm not sure I would've even preferred a one-piece, because I've gotten used to walking around in Tori's underwear enough that this was a familiar feeling.
I packed the swimsuit in my trusty shoulderbag and wore shorts and a tank top, because I felt really nervous abut it and wasn't sure I wanted to even swim.
I drove over there with "Mom," "Dad" and Mae. Mae had worn her swimsuit under her clothes. As soon as we arrived at Raine's parents' house, she met up with Raine's younger brother Ed, who is maybe a year older than her. As Tori's parents and Raine's chatted with others at the gathering, I began to look around for Raine and Sara. I may not feel too close to them, but they were the only really familiar faces I had. They were already in the pool, commanding me to jump in. I lied and said I just ate, and they splashed me.
Turns out they weren't the only familiar faces around. Thom had been invited too, but like me, was just sitting poolside. He kept me company, I guess, although I was convinced he was just trying to hit on me or something. I tried to play it off, and was very, very conscious that what I said could not be misinterpreted as anything other than a healthy conversation. We got to talking about computers and he seemed surprised by my knowledge... which, I guess is fair, I'm a pretty knowledgeable guy, and Tori, well, she seems like the kind of person who would call text support looking for the "Any" key (an old joke but a good one.)
After all this he reiterated his offer to get me a job. I asked what it was, and he said it was "in marketing" and they the place "uses computers a fair amount if that's what you're into now." So I said I'd send him my resume. I could use anything by this point, even if I thought it was just him using a cheap ploy to get into my pants.
Thom went to get changed and left me alone. I observed Mae and Ed talking and flirting. I found their young awkward teenage romance adorable, and it made me very sad to recall I didn't get much of that when I was their age. I also noticed what a different look Mae had about her with so much skin showing in her bathing suit. I mean, I know she's young and I guess technically she's my sister, but it still struck me. I'm allowed to be struck, aren't I? It was the most carefree and joyful I've seen her since meeting her.
Around that point I was very surprised that some force came from behind me and tossed me in the pool! Thom had snuck up on me. It was friggin' embarrassing, and If I'd known they were going to do that I would've just changed. As I climbed out, Raine led me inside so I could change into my swimsuit and "start having fun." She took me to the spare bedroom upstairs.
I laid out my clothes on a towel to dry. As I undressed, I looked at myself in the mirror on the closet door.
The first thing I saw was a pretty, naked girl, dripping wet. Great body, gorgeous face, but sad, and ashamed of herself. The second thing I saw was me.
My eyes fixated on my breasts as I slipped on the bikini top. It was time for a pep talk.
"Cliff, Cliff..." I sighed, "Where are you, man? Are you in there?" I ran my fingers through my long, dark, wet hair. "What's happening to you? Part of you is still scared and nervous, but part of you just... just wants to enjoy this. Is that so wrong? I mean look at this." I rubbed my breast, "You can do this any time you want. You're just making it harder on yourself if you don't at least try to have fun with these people. This time next year, this will all be over, but you don't have to feel like you're in prison. This is your life for now. Would you just make the most of it?"
I pulled up my bikini bottoms and and gave my cute little butt a look. I tried to wear an only-somewhat-embarrassed smile as I stepped out to see Raine waiting for me. "There she is!"
I shrugged, "Here I am. Let's go swimming."
I had to admit -- the weather was about 90 degrees plus humidity that day, so that pool was a damn relief. And it's not like a lot of people can check my body out when I was mostly underwater from the neck down. We played a few rounds of pool volleyball, so yes, I did feel myself jiggling as I jumped around, but for once I didn't really care whether anyone could/would see, because I was actually having fun for once.
As the night wore on, I got the "time to go" signal around 10. I said goodbye to Raine but couldn't find the others, so I went up to the guest room to get my clothes, which would hopefully be dry.
And when I opened the door, I found them. Sara and Thom. Naked, and thoroughly enjoying themselves.
They hadn't noticed me open the door, but by the time they did see me and I slammed it shut I had seen far too much, not the least of which was the look on Sara's face... I may never forget that look. Eyes closed, mouth open, seeming to be in more rapture than any woman I have ever seen. And Thom, just... just plowing away. It's not hard to see how they didn't catch me opening the door, that's how engaged they were.
My heart raced with embarrassment and fear. And actually, after a while, some excitement that it now seemed Thom wasn't interested in me at all. Then I started fixating on how pleased Sara seemed to have been, before they saw me... I was happy having no idea what a woman looked like during sex, let alone felt, and now that it's within my capacity to get there it's.... well, it's a damn scary prospect!
Completely stressed and panicky, I made the decision to forget about my clothes and just ride home in my bathing suit and towel, explaining to the parents that Raine was going to wash them for me.
It was definitely... a weird day. I was feeling bad, then I was feeling good, and I went home just feeling weird. I had a hard time looking Sara in the eye the next time I saw her a few days later. We didn't talk about it.
I have yet to hear back about the job.
So... that's what's up with me.