Sunday, December 13, 2009

Cliff/Tori: Lady friends

It's funny how I think of Sara and Raine, and to a lesser extent Sara's boyfriend/my co-worker Thom, our co-worker Cyndi, and her boyfriend Leo, as my friends. They're not really my friends, they're Tori's. They are only interested in my because of Tori, they know more about Tori than I do, or at least, a certain side of her. But as awkward as it can be to just insinuate yourself into someone else's group of friends, knowing they believe they've known me for years has made it easier to go along with it.

Alia and I have actually gotten quite close, since we know more about our "real-selves" than anyone else around, we can relate. But the time I can spend with him are limited, since he's teaching during the day and I'm often at work and then when I get home I'm tired, or I'm hanging out with Tori's friends. We do chat, though. He's been helping me with some girl-stuff.

I have my anti-social moments, times when I don't even feel like pretending. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world to put up with "my friends," sometimes it feels easy. Without them I'm just a girl who goes to work every day, comes home and reads, eats and sleeps. And sometimes blogs.

I'm being more and more myself around them, or as much as myself as I can be with girl-parts. They seem to be accepting the "new Tori" to some degree. Raine asked me why I wasn't interested in guys lately. I squirmed in my seat, having sudden flashbacks to Willy's hands on my thigh and butt in Buffalo, and I blurted something about being tired of them, but if I meet somebody, who knows.

The thing is, I half meant it. Who knows? That's a question that I keep putting to myself. I used to really like girls. I don't have the time or the effort to put into finding a girl who likes girls, and I would feel too awkward about it, especially if she had a negative opinion of men. I don't know, I don't think I've ever known a lesbian. And I don't feel like one, not after Buffalo.

It's just funny, I guess - and a few months ago I would've found it totally Earth-shattering, but now I just accept the fact that I haven't even realized all the ways in which the Inn has changed me. Now that I've withstood the last 6 months or so (wow!) I feel like I'm ready for anything. And I say "who knows" what might come my way.

That's not to say I'm suddenly... what's the word... man-crazy? I haven't felt attracted to anyone, male or female, the way I was attracted to "Willy/Cliff." I don't feel the great need to share my life with some guy, or even a girl, because of how much it would complicate things, but I feel like if I wanted to... maybe I could.

I don't know, it's embarrassing, and I'm not totally sure what I'm saying. It wouldn't have been right to stay with in Buffalo with Willy, that would've been weird, but it was nice to feel something for someone. So I'm keeping an open mind.

It reminds me of my early years, those pre-teen days when you just start to realize you're attracted to girls, when the innocent interactions you might have had with girls become less and less innocent... and it was my inability to deal with that that led to a lot of embarrassment. Some people got over it quick, I didn't. Maybe this is my second chance. Reading similar passages of Tori's diaries has put me in that state of mind. Maybe I just want a more innocent type of relationship. With a guy or a girl. Wherever I might find it.

Raine, on the other hand, wants to get laid. Badly. It's a little unnerving to me how much of herself she throws into picking up boys. She's quite smart and self-confident, and you'd think she would be more independent, yet she complains on and on about it. The funny thing is, she puts herself out there desperately, which is certain to attract creeps, when she complains she can't meet a nice guy. She's never going to meet a nice boy that way.

Sara, oddly enough, approves of the fact that I'm staying single -- I think she's seen Tori waste too much of her time with losers. It's nice to feel cared for.

But hopefully, in 6 months time, this will all just be a crazy dream... so who knows?

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