Tori C: Confrontation

I went to New York to see Buddy on New Years, but I wasn't feeling up to our usual brand of fun.

I haven't told him exactly why, but I was in a bad mood because of the night before. I had gone out drinking with Raine and we ran into of all people Cyndi... and Leo.

I got a chill up my spine. Cyndi had seemed much warmer in the past few weeks, chalked up to finding a new boyfriend... I just hadn't realized it was her old boyfriend, the guy I had until recently been banging without commitment.

The sight of the two of them together made me... irrationally angry. I was just coming off my period and a ton of holiday stress and the sudden thought that Leo was so okay breaking it off with me because he was back to her -- the woman he would complain about more often than talking about anything else, because he knew I agreed -- nauseated me. The idea that he may have been screwing her before we "ended" hurt me even more.

I didn't think they'd noticed us in the bar, so I was just about over it when I stepped out to the snowy parking lot to find her waiting there for me in the cold.

I guess she had found out, because she wasn't so sweet to me as she had been recently. Which was fine, since I knew she was a big faker anyway.

I tried to be the bigger person, brush her off and go home, but she kept throwing words. She said I was a slut for going after her man. Said I was a bitch because she used to consider em a friend, but she realized how two-faced I was (excuse me?!) But the straw that broke the camel's back was when she began slinging the d-word... a derogatory term for a homosexual female I won't repeat here.

That got my temper up like it's never been. I'm used to crying, used to being. sad and feeling like things are pointless, but I haven't been mad in years. I walked back over to her and shoved her, demanded she take it back. My voice must've gotten really shrill as I tried to put so anger into it. She just repeated her taunt. I shoved her again. She slapped me. Wrong move.

I had a big brother, and I used to get bullied at school. I know a thing or two about fighting, although I've never actually had to fight anyone (just kinda meekly defend myself or roughhouse.) I put her in a headlock. She began to claw and scrape at me and pull my hair, until I let go. She tripped me but I got up in time to scuffle some more with her, and at some point I may have punched her lightly in the boob. She responded by kicking me right in the crotch. And I might not have balls anywhere, but getting hit someplace personal hurts.

Now I was mad. And in pain. And emotionally off the rails. And I just socked her right in the face.

That sent her down for a second. I can tell you she'd never been hit in the face before, and since she models, it must've really shaken her. She just sat there, holding her jaw. Hell, the next day at work her lip was swollen. But there, she was sitting there looking at me, wondering how all this got so far out of hand. And when I unclenched my fist, I had to stop and realized I'd just punched a girl in the face. And whether I'm a girl or not, it felt wrong.

I left work early the next day and took a bus to New York. The whole ride, all I could think about was why things got so far out of hand. Was I mad at Leo for going back to her? Mad at myself for caring? Like I said, the very sight of them being back together unsettled me, but the moment that broke me was when she started laying into me and Raine, and the messed up thing was, a year earlier, I had kissed Raine on New Years and not thought twice about it (well, maybe I had thought twice) and now the insinuation that she and I were "together" was somehow an insult to me? What the fuck has become of me? I hated that I had that reaction.

It made me distant and cold to Buddy when I got to his place. We went to a little gathering with an acquaintance of his, and I just kinda faded into the background like old times. Back at the hotel, when he called me on it, instead of explaining myself to him, I just gave him something I figured I owed him. A little attention... if you know what I mean.

Maybe it was for him, maybe it was for me, maybe it was for show. Maybe it was for something to talk about on this blog.

Either way, it didn't feel great when I woke up with his sticky, bitter taste in my mouth (next time: toothpaste AND mouthwash) still emotionally sore (and a little physically sore) from the past few days.

When I got back to Philly, I handed in my two weeks notice. I had made up my mind, but now seemed like as good a time as any.

As to what I'm doing next... I have some thoughts, but I'll let you know when it happens.

Tori C: Wanting it

After my little adventure with Leo, I was self-conscious for a few days. I had, like, a hiccup of maleness: "Oh man, I wasn't supposed to like THAT," la la la. I didn't want anyone to look at me and think "Hey that girl just got some action" so I played it down... to the point where it looked a little like I'd been through a car wreck. Like just... in my own head. A lot like when I first got back from Maine.

I came home one night not long after and ran into mom. She looked at me and said "Are you okay? You look like you've been through something."

I stared off into space and thought about it. The grin that crossed my face must've been hard to suppress and I started to blush. Mom called me on it immediately. "What's his name?"

I sighed. No way I was getting out of this one. I figured no harm in admitting it to mom. She's always been real understanding and might even be glad to hear her daughter getting some of her interests back. "Leo," I told her.

She sat me down at the table and poured herself some tea (and some for me, at my request.) "Well, go on!"

"Not much to tell..." I shrugged, "I mean, it's not serious. We just... had a little fun."

The look on her face didn't say "disappointment" exactly... but it was probably a bit of a let-down because she seemed really excited to meet her daughter's new boy. I don't think she was judging me for "having fun," but I'm trying not think about that. She just asked, "Do you like him? Does he like you?"

I tensed up. "Yeah... I don't know. He's all right. We're not really in it for... anything serious. I mean, it's a bit complicated. He used to date Cyndi." She nodded in understanding. I had told her a bit about my falling-out with Cyndi, but was still guarded as to how deeply it affected me. I went on, "So we're kinda trying to keep it from our friends, you know, unless it does get serious." And while that's not out of the question I just don't see it as being likely.

At this point, I hadn't talked to him about it yet. I also hadn't gotten anything back from Buddy about when he'd be back. My mind was swimming.

I didn't think -- and I don't think -- I have feeling for Leo. He's a nice guy, and him being bitter about Cyndi is a good trait (it shows good judgment after all) but I don't see myself with him. Buddy and I get along great (apart from his slight inability to get a hint) have a ton in common... I even like Buddy's look better than Leo (who, if you need an image, has a shaved head, some innocent tattoos, and a bunch of Cosby sweaters.) But Buddy's at what you might call a "Geographical disadvantage." If I want something now, I need to go with what's here. Gah, these things were so much easier when I was a guy and nobody wanted me! (I know, world's smallest violin right?)

So in the meantime, while Buddy was ignoring me, I tried to put it out of my head. At one point, surprisingly enough, I got a call from my soon-to-be sister-in-law Jana. She's having a whole feud with her maid of honor about wedding arrangements and wanted me to mediate. Well, I don't honestly have an opinion on centerpieces or dress designs or anything. I mean, that stuff doesn't automatically get inserted into you when you get a girl's body! That's a lifetime of tastes developing, and if you saw the way I dress and style myself, you'd know that I have very basic tastes. I figure, if I don't try anything special, there's less of a chance of looking bad.

Anyway, during that call, once I convinced her that everything she wanted was right and she should hold her ground, she asked me whether I was bringing anyone to the wedding. It's on the 16th of October, and I'm not seeing anyone seriously right now, so it was a fairly obvious no. Then she made some remarks -- which intended to be funny but didn't really come off that way -- about the tendency of guys to try to pick up single girls at wedding, and how I might consider bringing a gay friend as a shield, if I have one. I told her that would be a great idea, if I wanted to spend the whole night getting a lecture on how unfair marriage laws are in this country. I mean, Danny is a great guy and everything, but he's easy to get fired up about political matters. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood. (And as a former straight guy living as a straight girl, I feel like I should relate to all that more than I do.)

Anyway, I spent some time after my little liaison with Leo wondering what I wanted. On the main level, I really wanted somebody to do that with on a regular basis. Some intimacy to go along with friendship. A relationship. Whether I wanted it to be Leo, I don't know, but he's the most convenient option right now. And I could see myself having fun with him until it wasn't fun anymore. So when he called me again the next weekend, I jumped a little.

Nothing special. Nothing fancy. Our first meetup hadn't been planned and he neither of us wanted to do anything elaborate. I'm still a little awkward on the whole dating thing, but then again I'm also awkward on the bedroom thing, so who the hell knows? But that feels like too much of a commitment for either of us.

So last Saturday night, we went out for a walk and got some coffee. My idea: Nothing too romantic or serious, but I wanted to see if he still had his appeal with me sober. I had made an effort, though. I did my hair up as nice as I could manage, and put together a rather sweet outfit with tights, a long top and an under-boob belt. Modest, but playful.

We made some chit-chat, and I think both of us just wanted to skip-ahead. In that night, I saw the entirety of this "relationship" play out in macro. Less talk, more skin.

We got back to his place. I couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, not out of passion, but out of duty, since by that point we had grudgingly admitted that this really wasn't anything but sex.

So then it really became sex. Hot, sweaty, panting, moaning sex.

I let him go all the way this time. It felt like such a big deal every other time I've come close, but this was the first time I could feel myself letting go, and it felt so good. I was naked in front of him, and the way he looked at me... and how wanted that made me feel.

What I remember best is the feeling of excitement as we came close to the last barrier between me and this complete experience. I had been naked in front of him before, and seen him. The feeling of relief, of it not being weird and being so sure of myself made me want to keep going. And then we started.

I knew pretty much what to expect. I mean, I've been over a lot of this stuff with myself for a while now, but I don't think I ever went far enough to truly simulate the feeling of intercourse. I know how good it can feel, but maybe not necessarily how to access all that feeling, or what happens when there's another person involved

I got a shock. It was so different than being by myself, because I wasn't in control. I was so at his mercy and he knew exactly what he wanted to do with me. He kept at a consistent pace... which isn't something that works for me as much as a girl as it would've when I was just a dude. I didn't want to critique him though, since it was only my first time (although I guess it didn't feel like your typical first time.)

I liked it a lot. I mean, it seems so obvious, but maybe there was a chance I'd do it and realize that it wasn't as brilliant an experience as everyone says it is. On some level, that's the case: I mean, now that I've done it, I don't feel like I need to go out and get more right away, but it definitely felt... fulfilling. Like I was ready for it, and it was worth it.

There's still problems. I'm still not sure I'm getting what I'm supposed to out of it at the end. Sometimes it got way too rough. But what more can I say? I like this.

I went home the next morning, cleaned myself up and went to work. It's so weird bouncing past Cyndi, probably with this "I got laid last night" smirk on my face, trying to hide my pride-shame over the fact that it's her ex that I was with. I may not be head-over-heels in love with the guy, but he was too good for her. I think I deserve this.

Cliff/Tori: I was having such a good week, too.

The summer has been great for getting myself lost in my own totally undramatic life. Work, friends, family... I lead a comfortable life, it's true. This past week was particularly enjoyable until today.

A little after I came to Philadelphia last year, it was Mae's birthday. August 11th, to be specific. As you can understand, I was too caught up in my own crap to care about this random girl's 16th birthday. She was basically a stranger, and I had recently found myself transformed, moved, unemployed and whatever problem you want to put on that list. I was feeling sorry for myself, resentful of my surroundings, afraid and confronted on all sides. It was a real, real long time before I began to feel comfortable in Tori's family. The fact that I have at all says something about how awesome these people have been.

For her birthday, mom took her to a piercing place on Saturday to get a nose stud put in. I went along out of interest. When I first became Tori I had pierced ears, of course, and even put them to use during my Torification last fall, but like many of the aspects of that little experiment, I got tired of keeping up with them and stopped wearing earrings altogether. This led to the piercings closing up, and me being too lazy/focused on other things to get them done. But, I figured, since we were already there... it was a little gesture to show myself my current balance between the man I was and the woman I've become. My own woman.

I did stop just short of getting a tattoo that of my old initials -- "JHC" -- just because I don't go for that sort of thing. Plus, everyone might think it stands for Jesus H. Christ.

It was a nice family gathering after that, seeing many of those obscure cousins I still don't feel comfortable around. Aunts wondering why I'm not seeing anyone (and me getting surprisingly flustered at the question.) Always nice to hang around and be Ken's little sister. He was pretty concerned with wedding stuff, which was odd to me. I've never known a guy to take much interest in that aspect, but he professed his desire to me not to have his wedding be "lame," which amused me.

At the end of the night, with the guests all cleared out, mom took a look around the room and declared her desire to re-paint the place. Like, immediately. In the year I've been here, she's always slightly tweaking the look of the place, and on at least one occasion I came home from work and the furniture was re-arranged, but this was a new level of impulsiveness.

So after I got to learn how exhausting it is to move furniture around in a petite female body, I decided to escape the chaos by shacking up with Raine at her parents' still-empty place.

The week that ensued was one of the most relaxing of my entire time as Tori. No family, no pets, nothing but my one friend, and sometimes our other friends. She doesn't even bug me when I don't feel like hanging out, just leaves me be. Besides, Guy has been around a lot to keep her busy. And you may think "Oh that must be awkward, if they're constantly screwing around," but the truth is, if they are, they're being a little more discreet about it than mom & dad Pearce ever are.

I've gotten to learn a lot about Raine just be staying at her place. Since it's her parents' place, I try to minimize my impact by constantly washing dishes and clearing away debris. She tells me not to worry, but I can't help it. Call it a compulsion I've had since I became Tori, not to disturb the original state of things. That's how I was for the first several months of the change, before I got, possibly, too comfortable.

If only I could have her comfort with the scenario. I never realized, but Raine is really, really, um, free with her body. If she's not going out, she doesn't bother to get dressed, and has spent entire days in a pair of shorts and bra, or a swimsuit, or less. It's really more irksome to me than anything, since I can't help but look, but I'm always disappointed by what I see and how it does or doesn't affect me. It doesn't turn me on, but it still fascinates me on some weird, perverse level, so I have to remind myself not to gawk (even though, let's face it, it's pretty out of the ordinary in any context.)

Guy, luckily, has not let me catch him in any state beyond shirtless, which could be awkward for any number of reasons.

Things were going really well, until today, when I was talking to Cyndi at work. Back when we first met, it seemed like Cyndi really wanted to be my friend, and for a long while was the one I felt most comfortable around, since she had no prior relationship with Tori, no expectations for how I was supposed to react. as time went by and Sara and Raine noticed my behavior less and less, I depended on Cyndi less for companionship, which was fair enough since after the summer began, she started getting a lot of modeling jobs. See, the reason I felt so attached to Cyndi was that she is probably the most attractive woman who has ever spoken to me. And she'd never been anything but sweet and accommodating of my weirdness, and back in March, I even helped her through a spat she had with her boyfriend, Leo.

So imagine my shock when I was trying to get Cyndi to finally turn up for one of our backyard BBQ pool parties, and she just let out this exasperated sigh and cut loose, basically saying:

"I can't do this. You know I have my own life, right? I'm sick of you trying so hard to be my friend. I don't want to talk to you anymore. You're so unaware of the world around you. You sponge off other people, you coast through life, you complain about being alone in life, but you never do anything to fix it. Look at you. Sometimes you sound like an intelligent, independent person, but there are some times it sounds like you just woke up from a coma or something. The worst part of it is you work here, and what does that say about your personality? You don't even have any ambition. You're coasting" (I'd point out the hypocrisy of her saying this, but she does have those modeling jobs.) "I'm through with you, Tori. You used to be interesting, but now I just don't care. Don't talk to me. I'm done."

And that was... pretty much it. I had no idea she felt like this, but I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, couldn't focus on work, went home and couldn't sleep. On the ride home, I started to tear up and struggled to hide my breakdown from the other SEPTA passengers. When I got back to Raine's, I hurried up to the guest room, collapsed in bed and started to bawl.

Here's the fucked-up thing: I know she's wrong. I know the reason it appears I have no ambition is because I can't actually get a job using my real skills. I know I seem whiny despite my looks, but it's because of years and years of shyness and romantic insecurity. I just can't explain any of this to her, and if she was just going to unload on me completely unprovoked, I don't want her as my friend anyway. But that doesn't mean it can't hurt my feelings that somebody thinks of me this way.

Months and months of being okay with my life -- hell, enjoying it -- nearly unraveled by one completely unrelated altercation. It just makes me think, what if I never do go back? That's a real possibility. I've got to stop wasting my time living the status quo left to me by a girl who didn't even want her life back. If the world's already changed me, I need to make changes of my own.

Cliff/Tori: New old friends

It's been a bit hard for me to find time to get back on this blog, even though I felt like I was in the middle of a story when I last posted. A lot of the time I'll write about something that seems important at the time but something bigger comes along and shows me it isn't.

Reading about Alia's and Greg's recent trips have really hit home to me how normal everything in my world has become. I'm not being transformed again anytime soon, I'm not having to adjust and rearrange my life and it's been a long time since I felt out of place in a woman's body... I mean, compared to everything else, it feels boring to talk about my own life.

The weird thing is, I'm actually having a really nice time. I'll tell you for sure, this summer definitely kicks ass over last year. I like myself, I like my life, I have an almost sickeningly positive outlook on things. And I feel like, despite all the chaos in everyone else's life, there might be some value to me continuing to share my story, so I'll catch you up on what July was like for me.

A little ways into the month, I was contacted, via Facebook, by an old friend of Tori's. This is part of the reason why I'm still Cliff/Tori... it isn't that I still deny the fact that I'm Tori, it's just that I don't think I can take the Cliff out of my name until I can be sure the life is more mine than hers. It's getting there, but meeting this person set me back a fair bit.

I've met a lot of people over the last year. Sara and Raine, who are pretty much my best friends, are just the tip of it. They've taken me to more than a few parties where I've had to fake my way through conversations, and I've run into an ex or two... some who are attached, some who would want to hook up with me. I try to ignore these people and keep to my comfort zone. But this one shook me.

It was Tori's old friend Daniel -- as in her gay childhood friend, the one she had a crush on, and basically stopped hanging around with after he came out.

He found me on Facebook and, pretty casually asked me if I wanted to catch up. I was reluctant, because I'm still wary of new people, especially guys, even though he's gay. For some reason that fact didn't help me, it just raised me a whole bunch of new questions, because I don't think I've ever been friends close with anyone who was openly gay. There was a couple people in high school and college, but I stayed away from them because there was a whole clique thing.

I talked to Raine and Sara about it -- they were around in high school but I think what happened was Tori had to make a choice between Danny's crowd and theirs. At the time, in Tori's diary, they came off a bit bitchy about it, but by now they were encouraging, "Yeah, go meet him, it'll be good." I looked over his profile and I realized we might have a few things in common, so I might get along with this guy. So I did.

We met for coffee. He has this really warm presence about him. I don't want to seem ignorant, but I have this whole perception about how gay dudes act based on the few I've met. Danny wasn't especially effeminate -- I mean hell, by this point I'm way girlier than him -- he has a really good sense of humor. A real smart-ass. After an awkward beginning of "What have you been up to these past few years?" we just started riffing about life and work and ambitions. He's constantly searching for new jobs, changing career paths, meeting new people.

By the end of it, I was actually feeling really good about this. Maybe... a little too good. Like, I haven't gotten along with someone this well since the first time I met Buddy, and we know how that worked out... it really felt like a date. Maybe because he wasn't trying so hard to impress me, since he likes guys.

I was just so embarrassed, because I had a ton of questions but didn't want to, you know, pry.

Since then, the summer's been rather free. Raine has taken up in her parents' house, because they took her brother (AKA Mae's ex) to England for the summer, and she's been using it to basically throw a pool party every weekend. So us girls have been lounging around soaking up the sun as much as we can, with their guys often along. Occasionally we invite the others, like Cyndi and Leo, and Danny and... his boyfriend. Watching them together has kind of put me in this space of "Why shouldn't I be that happy with someone?"

And who knows. Maybe if that person comes along, I'll be able to recognize it. You only live once... getting a different body during that lifetime doesn't really change that.

Cliff/Tori: Retail therapy

I was out at the mall with Raine on Saturday, and we ran into my co-worker Cyndi and her boyfriend Leo.

Leo looked exhausted. The poor guy was clearly being dragged from store to store while Cyndi tried on outfits and browsed the racks, and in my secretly-male way, I had sympathy. But even so, it put me in mind of exactly how much things have changed for me since, well, the change.

In my real/original/actual/male life, as I've said, I was never that good with women. In fact, I was downright scared of them, and for some reason the fear of rejection seemed like the worst possible outcome of any interaction. Sometimes, I overcompensated, usually at the behest of my friend Justin, but it wasn't a good fit for me (as Alia will recall from our first meeting, when I tried to get into bed with her. Back when Alia WAS a her.)

I remember being dragged around from store to store by my last girlfriend. It was a rocky relationship because we were celibate and I was, well, I was okay with it, but I'm not going to pretend it wasn't the source of some tension, especially after a few years. I was still dating her when I saw that movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and I was always -- hell, still am -- worried that I'd end up like that.

Back when I was still myself, I would see a guy like Leo, groaning and rolling his eyes at his girl's shopping, waiting patiently while she compiles potential outfits, and I'd sympathize, but also be bitter. I knew the feeling, but it was far away: and soon the only thought would be "At least you have someone, man."

And now? Now, I shop a lot like Cyndi, although not with as much, uh, enthusiasm. And I think most girls appreciate their Men's patience, so hang in there, Leo, and all guys like Leo. I know we can be very trying. And I don't even care about singlehood, because in my position, it's a damn downright benefit.

Did I just say I shop a lot like Cyndi? Yes. I'm not exactly a fashionista, or whatever you'd call it, but I'm quite fascinated by the number of different styles and fabrics and combos available to women. Skirts, pants, tights, jeans, tops, blouses, button-ups, camis, sweaters... I don't buy a lot, but I do like to look. There's an art to it, or maybe it's a science, figuring out a good outfit, that I never really thought much of as a guy, but when your body has curves to accentuate (or downplay) you think about these things, because comfort and confidence become serious issues. At a certain point several months ago I dedicated myself to being a girl who took pride in her appearance, and it's stuck.

That's not to say I'm capable of doing this on my own. Maybe Raine and Sara think it's odd what an influence they have on me, but their advice and direction has been invaluable. Most of what I buy, I show to them, and ask "Do you think this would go with that? Wouldn't this look cute?" It was definitely a surreal moment when I found out, according to Raine, I have good taste in colors. Go figure!

I was trying on some outfits in the store when I had one of those "This is so weird how normal this feels" moments. Slipping a dress on. Being in my bra and panties. Seeing myself in the mirror. The urge to look hasn't even really hit me that much lately, because I've gotten so used to what's there. And for a moment I thought "Is this right?" but I realized it can't possibly be wrong to feel good about the way you look, regardless what gender you are. I mean, I felt pretty okay about the way I looked as a guy, and I assume I will again. This is just... coping. Right?

Anyway. The whole shopping exercise was therapeutic because I've been dealing with some stress all month. I don't think Buddy's getting the hint that I don't want to date him. As much sympathy as I have for him, I just want to scream whenever he e-mails me to check on my plans for the weekend. He's even managed to tag along on a few group outings, due to his friendship with Raine's Guy. Now that they're getting serious, I'm pretty much the only single girl in a group of 5-7 (depending whether Cyndi and Leo are around)... and whenever Buddy comes by, it just gets that much more awkward. We haven't talked seriously about any of it, I just keep putting him off.

It's still nearly 2 months until I go back to Maine. I feel like I'm going to have to deal with this in the meantime, because the anxiety of having him checking in on me is starting to get to me. It's sad, too, because he's otherwise a nice guy. Just can't take a hint.

Cliff/Tori: Needs and wants

Early January, as I guess readers of this blog know, means the Inn starts taking reservations.

There was something so pulse-pounding about calling in and confirming my dates. Following Todd's advice, Alia and I have been in contact with Crystal and Willy, respectively. Willy has been so good and reassuring. Alia, as you can guess from Todd's last post, has some issues with Crystal, but they are cordial to one another. As the one of the group who works evenings rather than days, I was elected to make the call and book the block -- three sessions in the same two rooms. Greg was right about the chain links being so hard to organize, but somehow, it looks like we are going to make it.

I asked Tori about the original Costases. Apparently they have not been as good about keeping contact though, and I guess the Costases will not be able to take advantage of this situation, which is unfortunate. About Willy and Crystal's original bodies, I also have no idea. It's all I can do to focus on the people on either side of me.

As much as my credit card was reamed by the booking fees -- some paid in advance, others owe me (or Tori) some considerable cash -- when I hung up after confirming the dates (late July for yours truly) I wanted to scream with delight. I haven't imagined myself in my own body in weeks, but suddenly it's all I could think about. And suddenly all the unbearable stuff about Tori's life, Tori's body, Tori's identity, it's just something I have to wait out. I'm getting out. It's really happening. I hope.

Which kind of makes me feel a bit insecure about how I behaved over the holidays.

On New Year's Eve I was deep in Tori mode. I go through these phases where I allow my body, my current identity, to completely overrule my male instincts and thought patterns. It's been that way practically since I started being this way, but it's really been driving me nuts since Thanksgiving. It's not like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. I'm a girl, and I'm being more and more aware of what that means, trying to understand and accept the needs that go along with that.

When she was 15, Tori described, in her diaries, this intense desire to be with her friend Danny. Hell, the passion, the detail she ascribes to it comes so close to the brink of pornographic as she imagines herself messing around with him. I've behaved myself so far. I'm a responsible person, I think.

It's not fair that I don't feel as attracted to women as I used to. How did that happen? Is it because they're not acting like I should be? They act so different around me; their boobs and faces and bodies are all like I remember, but there is zero sexual tension there. I remember being pushed down against my bed in Buffalo, Willy in my body running my hands up my legs, my hands coming so close to that piece of my body I've known so well. There's nothing wrong with being a girl who wants to have a piece of a guy, right? Todd, help me out here, if you're reading.

Since I had no date, and have been outspoken about my "celibacy," I was the designated driver for Raine, Sara and Thom. We met up with Cyndi and her boyfriend Leo at a pub, a big bash there. Raine immediately goes off to work her feminine wiles. Sara and Thom split a pitcher and are all over each other by the time they order a second. Cyndi and Leo are more civil.

I was left to my own devices, saved from wallflower status only by the fact that I am a pretty girl who appears unattached in a bar. If only there was something about me as Cliff that was attractive to women as Tori's breasts are to men. That was a complicated sentence, but I think you know what I mean.

That may be the problem with boobs (I mean, now that I am used to having them and the way my clothes stretch over them and wearing a bra.) They may not be the biggest, but they're so well shaped and my cleavage was looking so good. Guys love them; I do too. I've gotten used to the eerie feeling of not being looked in the eye when men talk to me. But they don't come with a sign that says "No Jerks Allowed."

Worse yet, I haven't learned, the way some girls do, how to judge the jerks from the non-jerks right off. Some guy comes up to me and offers me a drink and I'm just like "Hey, he can't be that bad," even though I'm not drinking. And I waste the better part of an hour while this guy tells me about his car. and I know that I'm really a guy, but I'm not a car guy, and do any girls want to hear about a guy's car? And he's really glommed onto me and I don't know how to get away. I don't have the skills for this, and he smells like body spray. After a while of this, he floats the idea of sharing a midnight kiss, (with obvious implications beyond that) and Ican feel my stomach turn.

By the time he starts trying to get handsy, I'm about ready to punch him out, except I can't, I'm just cowering. Luckily, Raine somehow spotted my predicament and pulled me away to the ladies room.

"Dude, what the hell is going on with that guy?" she asked me.

"I don't know, I couldn't get away from him."

"Since when have you had a problem ditching losers? God, it's like you've totally lost your shit."

"I did lose my shit, Raine."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I facepalm. I wanted to admit all my fakeness at this point, "I'm just... horny, and it's messing with my head."

"Well, you should've warned me. It's not safe to go out there without a game plan."

It's sad. All this scheming and conniving to get away from guys is exactly the kind of thing I hated when I was on the other side. I was the loser, I was the guy women needed to get away from. I never felt like I was getting a fair shake. But this only occurred to me afterward. At the time I was really gung ho to kick the loser to the curb.

We started dancing together to put on a show for all the horny males in the room, to intimidate them. It wasn't that long ago that when I danced I looked like a total spastic, limbs flailing in all directions. I think I've gotten a little better, or at least I don't care so much now... I know a bit more about how to work it. If you know I'm still an awkward white guy, you could still see it, but it's an improvement, and when a girl's got a little jiggle, they'll forgive it.

Then after a while of sweaty grinding, the sound cut out and the countdown began. The loser was nowhere in sight, and then somehow, maybe because she was drunk and uninhibited, Raine pulled me in and gave me a kiss (grabbing my boob for good measure.)

Well what could I do? I was all hot from the dancing and the atmosphere of the room, and generally confused anyway, so I went with it. It lasted a bit longer than it probably should have. It was a real Katy Perry moment.

And then the music starts off and she resumes her flirting with guys, ignoring me for the rest of the night, like none of it ever happened.

For the rest of the night, I was hanging out with Leo and Cyndi, who have the courtesy to refrain from pawing each other the way Sara and Thom do in public.

I didn't have the energy to go back to the dancefloor much after that, collecting up my friends around 1:30 for a relatively early ride home. Raine had found herself a guy, as per usual, so we left her. The whole way, drunk-Cyndi was verbally abusing me and Leo, which he apologized profusely for. "She gets like this." No wonder they weren't so hot and heavy at the party.

When I got home, I flopped down on the bed. I was on the brink of tears once again. I could feel my eyes watering. What a way to end 2009. There are times when I think how amazing this experience is, but as often as not it's a pain in the ass. What was I thinking? I'm not a hook-up kind of person, even in this body.

"Get ahold of yourself, Tori," I told myself... don't ask why but I find it far too awkward to refer to myself as "Cliff" even in my private moments. Cliff doesn't have long hair, doesn't have beautiful eyes, doesn't have nice tits.

I slowly peeled my shirts off. Let my jeans fall to the floor. Reaching back with one hand, I unclasped my bra, letting it fall away. I lay on my bed, letting my breasts flop upward. I rested my right hand on my left breast and began to massage and slid my left hand into my panties. I've been thinking about this for a while and it's only out of fear and awkwardness (I live in a house full of strangers who are relatives) and had to figure out on the spot where to touch, where to put my fingers, how deep to go. How fast I wanted to do it. A feeling of warmth, of excitement flushed through my body with my two hands working in rhythm... God, it was like nothing else. I wanted to scream out, but all that I could manage was a quiet, high-pitched squeal, and then... then I stopped.

I just sat up and started laughing. My sheets were damp; I needed to set them aside for laundry and get fresh ones set after cleaning off. But like I said, at that moment, I was just laughing at myself. So caught up, so carefree. Oh, God. What a moment.

Laughter gave way to embarrassment and a whole host of other mixed emotions because I couldn't help but feel like somewhere, somebody knew what I was up to. And now you all do.

It's good, though. Real good. I've got a whole seven months of it left, if I want.

Cliff/Tori: Lady friends

It's funny how I think of Sara and Raine, and to a lesser extent Sara's boyfriend/my co-worker Thom, our co-worker Cyndi, and her boyfriend Leo, as my friends. They're not really my friends, they're Tori's. They are only interested in my because of Tori, they know more about Tori than I do, or at least, a certain side of her. But as awkward as it can be to just insinuate yourself into someone else's group of friends, knowing they believe they've known me for years has made it easier to go along with it.

Alia and I have actually gotten quite close, since we know more about our "real-selves" than anyone else around, we can relate. But the time I can spend with him are limited, since he's teaching during the day and I'm often at work and then when I get home I'm tired, or I'm hanging out with Tori's friends. We do chat, though. He's been helping me with some girl-stuff.

I have my anti-social moments, times when I don't even feel like pretending. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world to put up with "my friends," sometimes it feels easy. Without them I'm just a girl who goes to work every day, comes home and reads, eats and sleeps. And sometimes blogs.

I'm being more and more myself around them, or as much as myself as I can be with girl-parts. They seem to be accepting the "new Tori" to some degree. Raine asked me why I wasn't interested in guys lately. I squirmed in my seat, having sudden flashbacks to Willy's hands on my thigh and butt in Buffalo, and I blurted something about being tired of them, but if I meet somebody, who knows.

The thing is, I half meant it. Who knows? That's a question that I keep putting to myself. I used to really like girls. I don't have the time or the effort to put into finding a girl who likes girls, and I would feel too awkward about it, especially if she had a negative opinion of men. I don't know, I don't think I've ever known a lesbian. And I don't feel like one, not after Buffalo.

It's just funny, I guess - and a few months ago I would've found it totally Earth-shattering, but now I just accept the fact that I haven't even realized all the ways in which the Inn has changed me. Now that I've withstood the last 6 months or so (wow!) I feel like I'm ready for anything. And I say "who knows" what might come my way.

That's not to say I'm suddenly... what's the word... man-crazy? I haven't felt attracted to anyone, male or female, the way I was attracted to "Willy/Cliff." I don't feel the great need to share my life with some guy, or even a girl, because of how much it would complicate things, but I feel like if I wanted to... maybe I could.

I don't know, it's embarrassing, and I'm not totally sure what I'm saying. It wouldn't have been right to stay with in Buffalo with Willy, that would've been weird, but it was nice to feel something for someone. So I'm keeping an open mind.

It reminds me of my early years, those pre-teen days when you just start to realize you're attracted to girls, when the innocent interactions you might have had with girls become less and less innocent... and it was my inability to deal with that that led to a lot of embarrassment. Some people got over it quick, I didn't. Maybe this is my second chance. Reading similar passages of Tori's diaries has put me in that state of mind. Maybe I just want a more innocent type of relationship. With a guy or a girl. Wherever I might find it.

Raine, on the other hand, wants to get laid. Badly. It's a little unnerving to me how much of herself she throws into picking up boys. She's quite smart and self-confident, and you'd think she would be more independent, yet she complains on and on about it. The funny thing is, she puts herself out there desperately, which is certain to attract creeps, when she complains she can't meet a nice guy. She's never going to meet a nice boy that way.

Sara, oddly enough, approves of the fact that I'm staying single -- I think she's seen Tori waste too much of her time with losers. It's nice to feel cared for.

But hopefully, in 6 months time, this will all just be a crazy dream... so who knows?

Cliff/Tori: Torification Continues

As I type this, my fingertips are a blur of red nail polish. I crossed a number of items off the list this weekend in one go, and I'll tell you why/how, and why it's got me slightly depressed.

I've been working more lately, since I got off newbie probation, 5 days a week I spend all evening on the phone. My life officially has no room for professional advancement until I return to the Inn. It's been wearing me out, a fact not lost on Raine and Sara, Tori's friends, and therefore mine by default. Raine recently came on MSN (which I tend to avoid, but I needed to talk to Tori for reasons I'll explain later) and accused me of avoiding her, which is true. It's not that I don't like Sara and Raine, of course, it's just that the more time I spend with them is more time I have to be "in character."

Around the house, nobody seems to notice or care how I behave. I don't have to deal with Tori's family in any really serious way so I'm comfortable doing whatever comes naturally, and confining myself to my room or the living room or the kitchen table. Nobody notices more than a moment if I say something Tori might not, because the conversational topics are limited to household chores, "how was your day" and things like that.

But in social situations, those few times over the last few months when I'm stuck with Sara and Raine, I have to figure out how to be Tori, not just Cliff in a Tori suit. It's agonizing because no matter how much I wear the clothes and look the part, there's a very large chunk of me that does not operate in the mindset of a girl like Tori. A girl who cares about fashion and celebrities and boys. You can't fake that stuff, so when the conversation drifts that way, I just glaze over, making the whole experience painful for everyone.

So I avoid. It's a more comfortable lifestyle, but not a very fulfilling one. So when Raine made her case to me, I was willing to listen. She claimed it was clear I was becoming hermit-like because of work dissatisfaction (not entirely unlikely) and that the cure was just to come out with the girls like "I" used to. Feeling stir-crazy (even in my romantic-loser years, I was never this much of a shut-in) I bit the bullet and decided that maybe it was worth a shot. but on one condition. I was going to give them Cliff.

As much as I expect to be unmasked as an impostor (an irrational fear I guess) nobody seems to notice when I just act like Cliff. So I resolved to just be myself, to not even try pretending. I mean, that's part of the curse, isn't it? At worst they'll think I'm just being weird. Sound reasoning, I thought.

So last Friday night after work, Thom gave me a lift over to the bar. Thom and Sara, you'll remember, I accidentally walked in on in the middle of some serious business. It was never revealed whether they knew what I'd seen, and it was several weeks before they actually admitted their relationship. I was happy for them when they did, which I guess is my first indication that I do care about these people like friends.

So Raine and I were the "single girls" out with the couple at a bar, kind of a dive sports bar where girls drink beer, nor cosmos. For the first while, I was quiet, chiming in when called upon but otherwise just observing. I didn't mind being the quiet one. Then Cyndi from work showed up with her boyfriend, whose name I didn't get, and it started to look more like a double-date as those two got acquainted with Thom and Sara and Raine and I were the fifth and sixth wheels. Eventually we broke away from the pack.

I find Raine kind of interesting. Maybe her figure isn't ideal, and her looks aren't picture-perfect, but she seems very sweet and funny and cool and frankly not unattractive. I can't remember exactly what we talked about, but I remember it not being all-out girliness. I think we started to relate once she realized I didn't really want to talk about hair and make-up (which must've seemed odd on some level since Tori is a former hairdresser.)

It's all very confusing to me as I'm trying to determine whether this means I like her, or have some kind of girl-crush, or if I just consider a friend. I just find myself drawn to her when I am around her, and yet not nervous, because she's not treating me like a guy who might want to sleep with her, and that, oddly gives me confidence. Also I was tipsy from two and a half beers by the time we got a pool table.

She took me by the shoulders and looked down toward me (she's slightly taller than Tori, which somewhat emphasizes her curviness) and grinned girlishly, "I know what your problem is. We need to get you laid."

"No!" I resisted, "No, no, no. I'm... celibate right now. Okay? I'm on a break. That is the last thing I want or need." I'm fairly confident that if I wanted sex I could probably get it. Any guy would want someone like Tori, and more to the point I'm sure that if I walked into a lesbian bar I'd be pretty popular too. So I got an idea, since I saw some of the guys looking over at the two of us, I wanted to help Raine get some of that attention. I had a plan, based on something that happened to me a few years ago.

We started to play pool, badly, as a result of my being pretty uncoordinated as a girl and also, as I said, tipsy. This guy came over and started giving me advice. He smelled like dissipated aftershave and I could tell he really thought he had it going on. Shaved head, half-beard, v-neck sweater, I didn't know what to think of the guy, but after chatting him up just a little bit, I happened to mention my "Boyfriend in Iraq"and tried to shift the guy's attention over to Raine. Eventually, she cast the guy away, or maybe he just moved on. The second guy didn't take any interest in her, and the third guy got her number but didn't seem overly enthused.

"You're a good friend, Tor," she said drunkenly at the end of the night, "Those guys were mostly losers, but it was fun." Then she invited me out the next night. I thought, "Hey, I had some fun tonight, too, let's give it a shot." I overcame the fairly major hurdle of enjoying a night out with Tori's friends, opening the door to limitless possibilities.

The next night shut at least one of them pretty hard.

On the Friday night, I didn't pay too much attention to my appearance. I was coming straight from work so I was dressed in plain clothes; good, presentable but not flashy. The next night, Raine was having me come out to a club, so I had to wear heels and a tight dress thing. A dress, I might add, with a neckline that made my boobs look absolutely phenomenal.

Anyone who knew I was a guy would probably get some mixed messages. I know I was.

I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered whether it was too much. Lipstick, a bit of mascara on the lashes. Earrings. Painted nails. This really was the whole nine yards. I thought to myself, how much of a shame someone didn't get this life who really wanted it. But I've long since accepted the fact that this is the hand I have been dealt, and for now, I must play it. If I wanted to get out of the house and have fun, I'd have to go along with this, at least for now.

I regretted my decision not to just stay home and watch Saturday Night Live early on when I paid $25 just to get in. I immediately saw a crowded dancefloor of guys grinding on girls, girls shaking their butts. I didn't fit in to any of this. I hung by the bar and ordered a Mojito, a drink just manly enough for me to handle.

It was dreadful. Between loud music, losing Raine early, and waving off repeated attempts to buy me drinks (I should've accepted, I dropped a lot of money by the end of the night, but I didn't wanna lead any guys on.) It was all very unpleasant. And then... it happened.

After several drinks, my constitution loosened, and goaded on by Raine and the two guys she had met, I... got on the dance floor. I thought, how harmless, everyone's doing it, why not just imitate what all the other girls are doing? These guys are just happy to see some jiggling. I have no idea what possessed me to do this. I guess I was just bored of leaning up against the bar not talking to anyone. I paid $25 for a reason, damnit!

After a few songs (it's hard to tell how many, or even if you can call them songs) I went to the ladies' room. It's interesting to me that after years of avoiding sitting on public toilets as much as I can, I now have no say in the matter, but hey, pee-talk should be limited on this blog.

So as I leaned my elbows on my knees to try to stay stable, I heard the "tak tak" of two sets of heels enter the washroom. And I couldn't help but hearing "Did you see that girl out there in the (description of outfit matching my own.) What a loser! If I was her friend I'd be sooo embarrassed. People like that should not be allowed in clubs."

I had to sit there taking this abuse until I finished, and stepped out. They looked at me -- clearly recognizing me -- and acted as if nothing had been said. The bathroom stall is not a cone of silence! Sheesh. They just continued to touch up their make-up.

Raine and I split a cab with the two guys; she with them in the back, me sulking in the front. I woke up the next morning feeling like a total ass (a hung over one at that) and wondering whether I should bother sharing this with the blog world. Obviously I decided yes, since it's all part of the experience, isn't it...

Well. Apart from all that, it's been settled that tomorrow night I will be taking the overnight Greyhound bus to Louisville and visiting the original Tori and Rob. I just figured it was something I had to do at least once, and they said this was a pretty good weekend, although given the travel arrangements I doubt I'll be doing it again. And before you ask, yes, I do plan to go back to Buffalo sometime too.

Cliff/Tori: Alone and not

I guess you could say, after my last post, the point of my little list was to "Tori-fy" myself a little bit,

Phase one was to wear heels. Like most women (I imagine) Tori had a rather sizeable collection of footwear, but for the most part I have been sticking with running shoes. So I went over the shoe rack in her closet and came across a pair I felt I could handle. Not, like, giant spikes, or anything, but just adding a couple inches. Unfortunately, the twist of this was that I didn't particularly like the way these shoes went with my usual style of jeans. It seemed like a mismatch.

Committed to the idea of taking this step, I found myself crossing off another item from my list sooner than expected. I went through the pile of clothes I had dismissed months ago as too girly, and found the least objectionable skirt I could. A knee-length black denim one. It was not a bad day for it either, as these past few days have been unseasonably warm (compared to my hometown of Buffalo.) The bare legs were rather refreshing.

I could feel the difference. Everything about me seemed altered just standing still, I could feel myself perched on my toes, seeing the world from a height almost close to my original form. It caused me to become more aware of other things about my body. I straightened my posture, keeping my shoulders back (my dad often remarked on my slouching) which had the unintended effect of enhancing my breasts. I looked at the girl in the mirror with awe, tried to detach myself from my reflection.

I did a few practice laps around the house to perfect walking in the heels. The skirt significantly altered my stride and transformed my rather unfeminine gait into a strangely dainty walk. I was still wobbly when I left the house, but all of a sudden I could sense myself radiating womanliness and... oddly enough, I was okay with that.

At work, there is a girl. Cyndi. You don't have to be a fashion model to work in telemarketing, obviously -- more often than not, the opposite seems to be the case. Cyndi is a student who works here to pay her bills, and is considered to be "the hot one," which suits me because that was hardly what I set out to be.

She's blonde and thin and has terrific breasts. Not overly big, although I imagine they are bigger than mine. Perky and firm. Seeing her is an endless torture for me because I know I should want to stare, but I don't -- part of my brain expects to get an erection, but the other part of it is just numb to it, and, thanks to a few months of female conditioning, I just think of her as "another woman."

I'd love to spend an entire post trying to deconstruct the implications here, what does it mean if I can't feel attracted to a girl like Cyndi, who if anyone am I attracted to, but it's all beside the point. What I'm getting at here is that what I really admire about her is her poise and confidence. The way she strides about, knowing how hot she is and not hiding it at all. No, she isn't a tease, wiggling and jiggling all around the office. She just has this domineering presence, this self-assured understanding of the way people see her. I have often envied her that, but figured it must be inherent in people who grew up beautiful. Women and men alike. Despite Tori's objective good looks, I guess I don't really act like a good-looking person. Cyndi has never directly addressed me in any meaningful way.

Well today, I was stepping off the elevator and going to my workstation, and I guess I had that bounce in my step, my arms and hips swaying of their own accord, and as I passed her she smiled, said "Hey Tori," and gave a playful wink as we went our separate ways.

I've seen that wink. She gives it to everyone, it's her playful way of acknowledging your existence. She winks at Thom, Tori's friend who set me up with the job in the first place (you may remember him from this episode.)

My walk, and that wink, must have spurred me on, because I could sense myself engaging more with my calls, trading in my faux-masculine grumbling to a more feminine conversational tone. The improvements in my results were more than I would've thought. I've been a girl for months, but I guess this was the first time I acted like a girl. Sorta. I mean, I'm still me, right?

I mean, hell, there are some habits that don't die. I spent the weekend dodging requests from Sara and Raine to hang out. It's not that I'm avoiding them per se, it's just... I feel really anti-social by comparison, I can't keep up with their outgoing natures, no matter how much I fake it, and I end up feeling embarrassed, highlighting the difference between my body and my mind.

Last night, I was slightly regretting this. "Mom and dad" were out at the movies, and Mae was on a date with her boyfriend Ed. I was alone in the house, feeling like, after making a positive step earlier in the week, I was going in the wrong direction by hanging around the house watching TV. So I went on MSN and reached out to someone... familiar.

I wound up going to over to Alia/Rob's place around 10. When he opened the door, he gave me the same look people had been giving me all week, although he tried to hide it, it amused me that had even struck a former woman that way. Still, he shook it off and treated me more like myself for the rest of the night.

We sat at opposite ends of his couch and watched Iron Man on DVD, then when that was over, The Big Lebowski, which was one of his favourites, but I had never seen. The plot didn't make much sense to me, but I was pretty drowsy and fell asleep at parts. Some of the bits I did see were funny though.

I awoke in time for the credits of that movie. I thought about going home, but it was about 2 AM. He suggested I take his bed and he sleep on the couch. I was going to argue with him, but he had this serious "I insist" face on and bid him goodnight.

I shut myself up in his room. I thought about the first time I slept in Tori's room. It felt so scandalous then, being in someone else's body, undressing in their room, sleeping in their bed. I laid down at first in my clothes, but I wasn't comfortable, si I stripped off, layer by layer, until I was in my panties.

I looked over at the bra sitting on Alia's nightstand, and laughed to myself, wondering if Alia's neutral feelings about the opposite sex echoed my own, or if he was feeling the change. I wondered if somehow the essence of a naked girl would linger in the bed, if he might notice.

I drifted off to sleep and awakened the next morning to the smell of bacon in the pan. I dressed and stepped out of the bedroom, bed-headed, to find him there in his sweatpants presiding over bacon.

He looked at me and grinned. "My mom was Muslim," he said to me, "But she rebelled against her culture, especially after she married my dad. When she was a kid, she kept halal, but she always told me hell would be worthwhile for a pound of bacon. It's one of my favourite foods. There's also toast."

We had a nice little breakfast. I felt some kind of serious conversation was called for, so I asked how he was coping.

"Come see come saw," he said (I don't know how that's actually spelled.) I asked what that meant, and he said "It's French for so-so. I get the sense we're both struggling with some things and we're both having an easy time with other things."

I agreed. I wanted to go deeper, to probe into whether he could sense his personality changing in certain ways, but I still didn't know how to broach the subject.

He continued, "I'm just trying to take things one day at a time, you know? It's really hard to step back and look at the big picture, everything I do is geared toward not going insane. And whatever comes up in Tori's life, do whatever feels best for you."

I nodded. It was pretty good advice, but not always the most practical, because these days it's hard to tell what's best for me. Anyway, he gave me a lift home, and I crept back up to my room to nap and then shower, change clothes, and get on with the day. It was a really nice visit, all things considered.

I guess I really do need to get out more.