Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tori: The easy road

Unbelievably, I finally found a job opening in Houston for an accounting firm's IT department. I've never been so nervous about writing up a cover letter. Hell, I don't even think I was that nervous the first time I let myself have sex with a guy. In it, I wrote of my qualifications, my interest in the field, and the fact that although I am currently located in Pennsylvania, I am eager to move.

Maybe eager was the wrong word, but it's the one I went with.

I think this is going to be it. This is a make or break scenario for my relationship, I think... if I don't get this job, I think all the doubts I'm having about Buddy are going to explode and it's going to have to end. Even though I feel amazing when I'm with him, the distance just magnifies everything that's wrong between us. He also deserves someone who is willing to be there for him the way he wants, and if I can't bring myself to be that girl... sigh.

This is coming largely from a talk I had with Alex. He's helping to keep me on an even keel about this, helping me not feel guilty about considering breaking up with Buddy but also allowing me to consider how much I do like him. He knows this is tough for me, although obviously he can't know exactly why.

It's funny. Whenever we're together, we always talk about me. Since I've been Tori, I've always hated talking about myself because I'm worried I'll slip up and start talking more about Cliff. Obviously I can't be worried that people will "find me out" (although sometimes I wonder about Buddy's accusations that I'm "more of a boy" than most girls) but I just feel like that part of my life is done and it has no point. So now I only have about two years' worth of memories to draw on, and abstract writings from a bunch of diaries that didn't really happen to me. But somehow we always get by and I never stumble.

I'm also very cautious about what I say to him because inside I'm dying to know if he really did have sex with Danny, or if he's gay or what... but I can't bring myself to ask, because I'm worried the answer will affect my opinion of him. Either he's gay or bi or whatever, and he didn't tell me, and I'm disappointed about him lying, or he's not, and I don't... have as much reason to keep him at arm's length.

Okay, secret time, guys. I'm attracted to Alex. There. I obviously don't intend to do anything about it, since I'm still with Buddy and hoping to make it work... but I feel so guilty about it. I wish it could be as simple as "dump Buddy, date Alex," but it's not, because I still have stronger feelings for Buddy, because he was my first... man-love, I guess.

But there was this moment when we were doing laundry and he was loading some of my stuff into the dryer, and I made a crack about how "usually I like to know a guy better before I let him handle my panties." He smiled and said he figured we were pretty close by now, what's a little underpants between friends? That sent a little jolt through me and I thought "That felt nice... oh, shit, that was flirting!" and after being very careful about what I said for the rest of the afternoon, I spent the next few days replaying that moment in my head, feeling happy, guilty, excited, scared, nervous, etc etc.

I've never been good at making choices like this. I hope this job just works out and I can go on with my life.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Clearly, you're torn. This is a dramatic moment for you. Thank you, Tori, for keeping us involved in your story.