I have a headache. I'm lying on my bed refreshing the same boring-ass websites and re-reading old webcomics because I just can't bring myself to go out. Hell, it even took me this long (and opening my third beer) to realize this is pretty much exactly why I blog.
So my attempts to make Alex and Raine into a thing went bust, pretty much for the most bizarre reason. After it all went down, and Alex was getting a little awkward around me at school, Danny clued me in to something I would never have expected. He and Alex have... a past.
Now, maybe I don't have the finest-tuned gaydar in the world, but I could've sworn Alex was all about girls. I really thought when we met he was into me, and he certainly didn't bring it up when I offered to fix him up with Raine. Anyway, Danny and Alex apparently agreed not to tell, but Raine dragged it out of Danny while I was away from the table and Alex was having a smoke. Even Alex doesn't know she knows. Danny ordered me not to tell. "Don't worry," I assured him with a smirk, "I'm great with secrets."
But of course, those are mainly my own secrets. Now when I'm around Alex, I can't read him and I just want him to be honest with me, because I feel like that's a barrier to our friendship. I don't know if he's gay or bi or what.
Meanwhile, I can't talk with Buddy without him pressuring me into looking for jobs down in Houston. Even though I want the relationship to continue, I don't feel like we're at a good place where I can make that sort of commitment. I get frustrated with him because he's single minded about this sort of thing. I guess he feels, because he's "doing something" with his life, he's entitled to me making decisions for mine based around him. Anytime I've ever hinted that maybe I'd prefer staying in Philly has been met with an instant fight. Add to that the layers of sexual frustration and loneliness that pressure the relationship even further and... bleh.
I didn't ask for this life. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I didn't ask to be this person. I'm doing my best to be her, though. Believe me.