Sunday, April 17, 2011

Tori: Simplify

Okay, so I'm done school... now what?

Alex, for instance, got a job at a company. I, meanwhile, still sell skirts and blouses to girls getting their first receptionist jobs. Like once a week. That leaves me a lot of time to sit at home and browse the web for other leads on jobs. I thought it would be easy, I don't know, slipping back into stuff I used to feel comfortable doing, like there would be opportunities. I've thought about changing paths again, going to culinary school or something, because I've liked cooking since I was a guy and wouldn't mind getting better... but the idea of spending more time to find something else to do, or not do? Just exhausts me.

I've thought about Houston. Believe me, Buddy won't let a conversation go by without reminding me to think about Houston, but it's not like jobs are any more plentiful there than here. And I mean, no offense to him, I still like him a lot, but I don't want to move down there without something to do. I don't just wanna move there for the sake of someone to date. No matter how I feel about him, I don't think that's any way to live your life.

Maybe it's that kind of thinking that kept me away from romance in my old life. Maybe I'm too used to being on my own, even though ever since I started dating it hurts to think of being without someone. How did I get so dependent? It's not like the day I became a girl I thought to myself "I need a man!" As you'll know from reading this blog it took a long, looooong time for that particular idea to occur to me.

But jeez is this getting old. I can barely even muster up the energy to play with myself anymore (sorry for the tease, all, but I know you like to hear about it.)

On the plus side, I have Alex. I was initially wary about what I heard about him, but somehow he managed to keep himself around in my life and I'm glad he did. I never even asked him about it, it just... feels like it doesn't matter. He can be, and be with, whomever he wants, and if he feels comfortable talking about it, he will. We've gotten really close over the last few weeks, and I feel really glad to have him as a friend... which is something that makes me feel guilty.

I'm allowed to have straight male friends, right? I'm in a relationship, but even if I weren't, I wouldn't have to have feelings for Alex in order to hang around with him, would I? I mean, I lived so much of my life with guys, as a guy, I should be comfortable, I shouldn't think there's anything wrong with just sitting on a couch in my apartment with him, staring at the TV, channel surfing (is there a new term for that? Menu-surfing?) and not waiting for the inevitable opportunity to jump him.

It's friendship, but I feel guilty for having it and I certainly don't feel comfortable discussing Alex's existence with Buddy. Is that wrong? He's said some really paranoid things, which is unappealing, but I don't want to give him a reason. Hell, Alex has given me some pretty valuable advice on being patient with Buddy. We were having lunch the other week, and I was sorta... spilling my guts about how annoying it is that he's desperate to get me to go to Texas, and Buddy reminded me that I could put it off as long as I wanted, but if I was going to call it a relationship, I was going to have to put in the work.

I told him sometimes it feels too much like work and not enough like fun, and he said well, that's life.

Sorry for the rambling, disjointed posts, all... maybe it's because I don't get on here much, and I forget to mention specific events. Hope you're all well!

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