Reality check: I've been a girl for two years now. When this started I was scared of my own body, but by now I've learned what feels good, how to treat it right, and most importantly how to dress it.
Or so I thought.
Let me tell you, it was an ordeal trying to figure out what to wear for my first date with Alex. Last week, Philly was right in the middle of a heatwave that made my hair frizz out to epic proportions and made me want to wear as little as possible. But I had already embarrassed myself by being too forward with him. I want to show him I'm not rushing things but I'm also, well... good to go.
"I say slut it up," Mae advised me. She was lying on my bed reading Reddit on her laptop. Mae has been staying with me all month. Mom and dad thought it would be good since it'll be like a vacation and I live closer to her summer job. She's staying in Raine's room right now, because Raine is house-sitting as she often does in the summer. Mae has been a good houseguest, because unlike whenw e lived together our schedules don't clash and every so often I let her drink.
In response, I flung one of my bras at her. She plucked it off her head and held it to her own chest. "Wear a push-up bra so he doesn't realize you have wee-boobs."
In the past year or so, Mae has become one of the few girls I know that could get away with describing my rather ample chest as "wee." No, the girls aren't huge, but I know if I was still a guy I'd be hypnotized, and plenty guys are. Hers, though, have gotten almost unwieldy. In fact, her "growing up" years have been pretty good to her. What I envy about her is that she's embraced her body-type, that she's good-looking without being sticklike and knows it. She's a bit cocky about it perhaps, but her confidence is healthy. If I had been able to choose which girl to be, I would probably rather have landed in her body.
But of course, I have to live with what nature -- or rather a cursed Inn -- gave me, and you know, I haven't gotten any complaints yet. It's a lot of work, though.
Sadly, all that fretting got me only to the point where I admitted simplicity was best. I put on a black miniskirt and a white tanktop with a light overshirt and prayed for no pitstains.
The date itself... was fine. I don't know. He arrived at my door and I wanted so badly for it to have a "big date" feel, but it was really just like going to hang out with a friend. We went and saw X-Men at my insistence since I'm way behind on my summer comic book movies. It was probably the best X-Men movie since the first one. He got his arm around my shoulder, which I liked, but I was so engrossed by the plot that I completely forgot to make out with him.
After that, the date started to get... weird. We were having trouble breaking out of our "friend" zone. I mean, we've hung out plenty, but we just couldn't shift from buddies to... well, more.
Drinks helped with that. We went to the bar and I ordered, instead of a girly drink or cocktail, just a beer. I don't love the taste of beer, so I had to pace myself so I wouldn't try to throw myself at him again.
It worked. We began to loosen up, share a bit more. Alex, as much as I feel safe opening up to him (as much as I ever open up to anyone who doesn't know my secret) is hard to crack open himself, but he let it slip about how he used to be really awkward on dates and deep down inside was still the kind of guy who didn't know why anyone would want to be with him.
I did want to jump him then and there, but... again, self-control was key. I wriggled in my seat and decided to play coy for once in my life. I smiled. I laughed. I played with my hair and touched his arm.
Suddenly I looked in his eyes and I felt it. That spark we'd been missing. It's like I switched something on inside him.
Suddenly I realized I really was the one with the power. He was the one fumbling with his words and awkwardly trying to make jokes to impress me. And I've had that before, with Buddy, but this time, with the attraction I had for Alex, it was... it was something else. Guys, it was hot.
He drove me home, and walked me to the door. "We should call it a night," I said, "We've got work tomorrow."
I could feel the desire - I think - burning inside him. How hard it was for him to walk away. But it was all he could do to pull me in for a goodnight kiss.
I think I'm winning at dating.
I watched him walk back to his car, and drive off. I went up to my apartment and saw Mae there on the couch watching Insidious. "How was the date?" She asked with a mouth half-full of popcorn.
"Fine," I sighed. "I'm going to bed now."
And I went to bed, but it was a good long while before I went to sleep. A gooooood long while.
It's hard holding back, but totally worth it. I'm doing this right. This is good.