Tori: Space and Time

It's been a bittersweet couple of weeks, ever since I found out I was getting laid off. I was hoping to find a different position in the newly-merged company but the boss couldn't find anything for me. There were also a few other layoffs in other departments as the new owners merge duties. Alex, luckily, is safe.

I've been furiously applying to every job I can that I think I might be qualified for. IT, Systems, Data Entry... even a few secretarial jobs. Nothing so far. I don't like the idea of being without money. I've saved up a lot, but I still have rent and groceries and cost of living, even if having a boyfriend does give you a bit of leeway, I don't want to be dependent on him. If I'd known I was gonna be out of work, I might've reconsidered a few of my recent expenditures.

Back in February, I dyed my hair. I was Supergirl for Halloween, and completed the outfit with a blonde wig. Alex said he really liked the look, and the idea kinda took root (so to speak.) Every so often I'd pull the wig out just for him and then I'd think "I do look good with light hair... why not?" It's my body, I can make this sort of decision. Girls do it all the time. It's like if I was a guy and I decided to grow out a beard. Hardly irreversible.

Expensive, though. Since I'm naturally dark-haired, I went to a salon and paid a pretty good sum. The results were worth it, though. People who've known me "my whole life" were shocked by the new look, in a good way. I've always felt good about my looks as Tori, but suddenly I was a new woman, with a new confidence.

Only now, sadly, my roots have been growing in and if I want them done I'll have to do it myself. Which is funny because theoretically, Tori is a trained hairstylist but I am really not comfortable taking this into my own hands.

Which leads me to my next point, which was brought up in a comment on my last post. One of you fine Anons mentioned it was maybe time to start thinking about moving in with Alex. I had kept it pushed out of my mind for a long while, because we were already co-workers. Moving in together would mean that literally my entire life would be based around him. And I love him, and I still get butterflies when I look in his eyes or hold his hand, but I worry what it means to put your entire life in someone's hands. It's not like I think we're ever going to break up, but as much as I love him basing my entire life around my relationship has never been my style... until now.

I like having my own place. I like having somewhere I can get away and just hang out with my best friend, and where my boyfriend is still just a visitor. The past few years were such a string of changes that I wasn't even thinking of boxing my life back up and moving again.

It's making more and more sense. Now that we won't be carpooling, we're probably going to be spending more and more time at his house or mine. I'm feeling less like I have secrets I need to protect, not just about my past but about who I have become, the girl he's dating. He's seen pretty much the whole show. He's laughed at my lame jokes, put up with the way I sprawl out on the bed sometimes, even seen me without shaving my armpits. Why do I need my own room?

It's getting harder to answer that question. I don't think I'm there yet. Last week I had a late night chat with Raine about it. She was letting her "visitor" out, and I decided to get some water, so we ended up talking for like an hour. I asked her how she would feel if I did decide to move out.

She said she'd deal, but I could tell she was a bit disappointed. With Sara getting married this fall, and me in the best relationship of my/Tori's life, she's maybe feeling like her life is stalled.

I tell her not to worry. I can hear her sneaking the same guy in and out a few times a week. It's weird to me, though, because she's really never been shy about her hookups before. All she tells me about him is that I probably shouldn't ask, but there's not really a future. I wonder if that means he's married, or has some other defect. I choose not to push for further info.

In time, I think, I'll be ready to make the leap and move in with Alex. The nice thing about getting younger -- hey, I'm only 25! -- is that I feel like I have all the time in the world to make this work. I want to be sure that, if I do, it's because I feel it's the right time, not because I want to save money.