Monday, May 26, 2014

Cal/Angie: Mood killer

Trish and I came this close... and I let someone else ruin it for me.

I had let it slip to a female co-worker that I had a date with a guy. She had known that I'd had a fling with David, but I always thought of it as a "renew as necessary" scenario. Booty calls. No formal dates. Nothing deep and really nothing formal. I've never done that before, and it was fun until it wasn't. David wasn't in the running for boyfriendhood... basically ever, because of my limited time as a woman and because my secret would always be between us.

As we get closer and closer to the return date, I couldn't help but slowly come out of it, thinking of myself more and more as a man in a woman's body, not an ex-man. It started to feel weirder and weirder about letting a guy into my bed (among other things). I got less and less enthusiastic about his calls, and as I started to grow closer to Trish, I guess I kind of... let him drop.

Well, he didn't take it well. When he found out from this mutual acquaintance that I was into someone else, he flipped. Sent me a dozen or so enraged texts. I didn't pay much attention to them. Maybe I should have.

Somewhere along the way, he had gotten a video of me, while we were... together. Fucking left his phone on camera mode while he screwed me. I don't even know how he did it without me noticing but he did. He had a few videos of me, in a very, um... intimate way.

He uploaded them to one of those fucking "cheating ex" sites even though what I did was not cheating. The co-worker let me know. When I found out, I was mad. When I saw them I wanted to die.

There I am - not me, obviously, but the face I wear... giving into desire, an act that took me all the courage in the world to do, letting myself be free and enjoy my sexuality, as fluid as it is, and he managed to take something that should be pleasant and personal and make it disgusting and embarrassing. I'm revolted, as a woman and a man, at him and at myself. I regret ever letting him into my life.

So I'm really mixed up right now, and obviously Trish understood. I just don't want to be anyone, let alone with anyone, until I get back to my own body and hopefully can put this shit behind me.

But I feel so terrible, because as embarrassing as it is to think of myself doing that, and as unequivocally evil as David is for putting those videos online, the real victim is Angie. She trusted me with her body the same way I trusted David with it, and we both betrayed her. Those videos are online for good now, for any scumbag to look up and jerk off to. I hope she can forgive me.

No comments: