I can't tell right now whether I'm bad at being a girl, bad at relationships in general, or if it's totally not my fault. I guess it's past time for caring.
The clock is ticking, with less than a month before I get on a plane, fly back to my home country and hopefully back to my body or at least out of this one. Why should it matter what happens to me as Angie? I knew this thing with Dave wasn't going to last.
Problems between me and David started cropping up when I piped up about a few of my complains about his, um, sex-making style. "Hey man, would you mind taking it slow for a change? Take care of some things for me?"
Instead of agreeing this might be a nice idea, he just grunted, rolled his eyes and started to unload a bunch of his complaints about me. I could dress sexier, be flirtier at work, go down on him more enthusiastically (which is a major case of glass houses for him) let him put it in my butt (um NO.) This led to a huge fight, and in the middle of the fight I basically stopped us to say "Wait, why the fuck are we fighting? We're not even really dating."
He said I started it. Then I said I was gonna finish it and told him to get out. This was Friday night.
I was bitter all day Saturday, which only made things worse on Sunday... see, with all my personal drama lately I haven't given much thought to actually living Angie's life, which meant showing up for the Mother's Day celebration with her four siblings. Apparently the others were annoyed I had removed myself from the planning, and the entire day was as pleasurable as going to the dentist. It was the absolute last place I wanted to be, an all-day event with a woman I barely know, pretending to gush over what a great mom she is. It was hard, reminded me that I'm not at home in my own body, and I wanted to bail very badly.
My shit mood followed me home, and I considered contacting David to make nice. But when my finger was hovering over his profile image in my contacts, I was shaking with rage so badly I just kept scrolling until I hit "Robbie."
I don't know what I was thinking, exactly, I just didn't want to be alone. So very tactfully, I asked if he wanted to hang out, with "No funny business, promise." He texted back sure, and within twenty minutes was at my door.
We ended up walking around the city and I unloaded to him about how glad I would be to stop being Angie and how angry I was that I let myself get so worked up over a guy. Over a guy! Shit! Sometimes, the thought of what I let him do to me, and what I let myself do to him, makes my skin crawl. And sometimes I just want more of it.
The talk was helpful and quickly became drinks. And it was just nice to be with a guy who wasn't waiting to pounce on me, laughing and hanging out.
"I just think I'm not a guy's guy..." I muttered as we headed up to my apartment, "I like that I could be in a girl's body and suddenly dudes that didn't wanna be friends with Cal wanted to talk to Angie, and I like it. Is that sick?"
"Not at all," he said back, also pretty intoxicated. "It's like a power trip sometimes, these bodies... these disguises. They empower us. I feel like I could do anything."
"But you don't!" I said, "That's what I like about you. And you know why you don't? Because with great power..."
"Comes great responsibility," he finished. "I know, I saw that movie. It's not easy, though. Being around you girls... it's been crazy not to try anything."
"So why don't you?" I asked.
"Because it's an illusion," he said. "Soon it's just going to... go back."
"But it's not an illusion," I said... running my hand up and down his arm. I saw his waist flinch as his little buddy stood straight up. "This is real. I'm real. And we don't have a lot of time left."
"Not that drunk," I said. And I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him. And he kissed back.
We stood there in the hallway kissing a while. I felt his hands running over my body, hungrily. He wanted it. I could tell for a long time that he did and now I was finally getting him to admit it. I was already starting to get wet. Being with someone who knows you that way, someone who's been where I've been... that's so much more exciting than what I had been doing with David.
Once we came up for air, I said "We could go inside."
He took a big sigh. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. We'll figure this out."
I don't regret anything about that. In my first/normal/male life I never went after anything I wanted. Right now I have a chance and if I don't succeed, well... at this point I've seen some stuff and that will definitely tide me over.
Now, of course, I just keep checking my phone.