Now where was I...
Some stuff has happened in the last month or so since I posted, and yet for a long time there was just nothing to talk about. The production of Oklahoma happened, along with some socializing, but nothing I think you'd be interested in hearing about. Mostly I'm trying to keep a low profile, be a "good girl..." no more picking fights with Lauren's parents, doing my best by her friends, and trying to treat myself when I can. The lack of drama this has caused is a pretty good thing, although it also means I don't bother checking in with you guys much.
There was the situation with Mark, for instance. I was pretty firm with him, telling him "no." I didn't even want to leave any doubt, any hope in his mind that things might change, so I've been very careful to keep a courteous, respectful, almost "professional" barrier between us as we worked toward the play.
It worked and didn't. I should know (and Meg is not shy about reminding me that this applies to me) you can't just switch feelings for somebody off. Mark can respect my feelings on the matter - he seems to - he's all too happy to keep in contact with me, to be my friend. Fine, great, I could use a male friend. But I know he's looking at me, I know he thinks I'm cute and I've got a good body. I know sometimes he's too nervous to say what's on his mind around me. I know that if I said the word - if I were really Lauren and somehow developed feelings for him - he wouldn't hesitate to say yes.
I've made my peace with that, with being wanted.
November 17 2014, the day Tyler Blake admitted he understands teenage boys are going to find him attractive. This, no matter how much I let my appearance go. I don't like it, but I've got to get over it because it's a fact of my life. Let him look me over, let him barely suppress his fawning, let his head turn to glance at my ass as I walk away. I don't mind, I can't mind - as long as he doesn't try to kiss me, we're fine.
I'd like to find him a girlfriend. I've actually had some success at that... I finally hooked Lauren's ex Seann up with Karlee. He made an impression on her back in the summer and then played it off, but she was obviously pretty taken with him. He wasn't exactly waiting for my blessing, he just wanted a bit of fun without any expectations, but Karlee would not shut up about how dreamy he was once she found out I had no problem with her crushing on him, so I convinced him that it would be good for him. She's a nice chick, if a bit dizzy.
Now that leaves me with a problem. Most of my social circle is becoming couples, and I don't want to become the odd person out. I would like to hook Mark up with Dana: they have some common ground, with Dana being the star actress and Mark being a theater techie. But I like having Dana as my single friend, and given Mark's status compared to hers, it would probably take some convincing anyway.
Then there's this really nagging thought in the back of my head, like... it's nice to keep Mark to myself. I'm never going to convince him he doesn't have a chance. If I push him away, I might lose his friendship. What's worse, and weirder, is that it's flattering: this guy I don't hate is interested in me. If I were into it - and I don't see this happening but in an absolutely desperate scenario if things changed and I suddenly became interested... it would be nice to have him around. I don't doubt I could find some other guy's attention... a bit of makeup, a little hair maintenance and the right outfit is all it takes to make me a knockout... but keeping him in my back pocket is tempting. Totally evil but tempting.
In the end, that's why it's better if I do push him away, so I don't take advantage of his friendship or give him false hope that that might happen.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of problems I'd be having if I wound up as a 17 year old guy. Would I hesitate to pursue teenage girls? Would I have as much trouble with my body? Or would I just sit back and enjoy the ride?
Wish I could, but it's a bumpy one.
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