Jordan/Yuan-Wei: Back... Home?

Man, am I not sure what to fucking make of the week in New York culminating in Max's wedding after flying up from Krystle's.  Like, I know you can read a lot of worry about how all the Inn stuff affects everything in her posts, but the experience of it, for me at least, was how much a lot of that didn't fucking matter.  Krystle wants to include what to all outside appearances are the parents of a babydaddy who quite notably isn't there?  Friend she really never hung out with that much is important enough to be one of the bridesmaids?  Absolutely random teenage white girl shows up?  Well, Krystle's family and Gabriel's family all start from the premise that these people are important to her and make room.  If there's gossip, it's well hidden.  It wound up being a really loving, accepting atmosphere, and they respected the entirety of what got Krystle and Gabriel there even if they didn't know it.

Back home...  Not quite.

It wasn't a race thing, I don't think, unless highly-assimilated third-generation Chinese Americans are unusually eager not to stand out, which I don't think is really a thing, although, granted, the past week or so has been a pretty shitty time for folks on a tourism visa like me to stand out.

And I get it beyond all that.  Max has gone through the Inn experience, and sometimes it means he gets me and sometimes it means he absolutely cannot understand how I could willingly give Benny my life or stay as Yuan-Wei.  I suspect things getting serious with Dominic kind of rattles him more; it's one thing to make use of your clitoris while you're stuck with it, but something else to put yourself on the wife & mom track Krystle is on. 

(And, yeah, just going with "Krystle" from now on.  She signed papers saying she wanted her name to be Krystle Potts, and who am I to argue?)

Still, I dunno, they could have not sidelined me.  Mom says it would have been easier if Dominic had come so we didn't have to insist, no, I wasn't an ex-girlfriend to Pei Pei and her family. 

On the plus side, I had a lot of time to hang out with Annette, who, as you may have heard, is doing really well, especially considering how volatile the publishing industry is.  She's managing editor of a small imprint, just moved into a bigger apartment, and wants to know all about Dominic because she is very single right now.  She had more restaurants she wanted to show me than I figured I had times free to eat. 

First up was her wanting to know how authentic a Chinese restaurant was (not bad, but honestly fancier than I tend to go for; I like holes in the wall).  She'd found a couple other really nice places, too. 

Thursday's big surprise was that we weren't alone - there were three young women joining us:  Emilia, Katey, and Monica, formerly known as Aidan, Kutter, and Rusty.  Apparently, Annette had seen some anxiety start to build in Katey a couple weeks after she came into her office to say she was staying on, all of her, which makes some sense, because one and a half Inn cycles passing is about when you realize, holy fucking shit, you have made a huge decision that is going to change everything forever that you can't take back.

I didn't have a whole lot of upbeat advice, being a couple of days into my family treating me like a not especially close friend even though they know who I am, but I think I was pretty honestly able to say that they'd push through it, that while the Inn doesn't seem to do much to the part of your brain that makes you good at math or the like, it does appear to reshape the parts that control physical attraction and gender identity, and once you realize your brains are part of your bodies and your bodies aren't things you are in but things you are, you can decide what to do with them.

They're good kids, all three of them, and, yeah, that kind of includes Emilia; she may have 40-odd years of experience but she's got the body language of a freshman that would set off some of my old fraternity brothers' predatory instincts, not quite comfortable in her own skin and always fiddling with her clothes, afraid they're making her look too inviting.  She knows that she's pretty and has a great body but mostly sees it as a target as opposed to a tool she can use.  Good dude, though, and she had questions about what adopting various local teams said about you. 

It's funny how obviously her girls are teenagers once you know their stories, though.  Monica is ready to bust with pride at every bit of responsibility she's shouldered and her jaw drops when you tell her something she feels she should have pieced together herself; Katey has a sort of innocent look that makes the occasional wise-ass comment stand out and has a bit of an attitude about the areas where she knows more than her dad, but she's a good kid at heart. 

Annette apologized for springing them on me when they left, saying Monica especially was curious to meet other folks who had stayed at the Inn while Katey and Emilia were trying pretty hard to act like they were just normal girls. 

Okay, you're all probably thinking, enough fucking sidetracks, what about the wedding?

It was pretty good, actually, once I got over where I wanted to be.  Threat of rain had us moving inside, and sitting on folding chairs rather than pews or benches was kind of odd, but fine.  Mom and Dad found chances to wave and say hi whenever they could, and for as much as part of me resented Pei Pei for taking my brother and family from me, she's pretty and smart (some sort of research scientist), and didn't seem like she had anything against me when we talked to each other.  Which I probably should have expected, instead of just letting my worries about what her being part of the family meant to me.  My kid brother may often be a dumbass in the way kid brothers are, but he's not stupid and our parents would have put their foot down if Pei Pei didn't measure up to their expectations!  We'll probably never be buddies, but she's okay. 

The reception was nice, too, even if I was on the outskirts compared to the test of my family, but that also meant no awkward small talk with Benny, filling out a tux like i never did and living my best life as someone's personal trainer.  Folks did notice the empty seat next to me, but as I told Dominic when I got home, I could have gotten laid a lot of I wanted to, because I fucking rocked my qipao and I'm already a good-looking chick from Hong Kong whose perfect English and job in the movie industry makes me pretty damn fascinating to any single guys in their twenties and thirties (and older in a couple cases), especially with a story about my boyfriend being worried about ICE, which was weighing on a lot of Chinese-American minds that had not forgotten being treated like shit during the pandemic.  Lots of ways to get people's attention.

At some point Kareena came by and asked if we could grab lunch the next day, and I said of course before a second cousin saw us together and remembered that I had been at her wedding to Benny/"Jordan" as well, thinking it was weird that I had been in Kareena's bridal party but now was attending a wedding on this side of the family, and I just sort of shrugged and said I was on the continent and hate to miss a good party before getting dragged onto the dance floor.

Kareena, if you don't remember, was originally my roommate Ravi's girlfriend and arranged fiancée, but while I was Deirdre and Annette was Ravi and Benny was me, she and Benny formed a connection, which is what led me to roll the dice and wind up as Yuan-wei ten years ago.  She's gorgeous and smart and otherwise terrific, way out of my fat, angry old ass's league, and kind of finds the whole Inn scramble romantic and exciting.  I was pretty happy when she texted me a cool spot to meet at the next afternoon, and a bit relieved when she arrived alone, saying Benny was putting in some overtime.

Not that he wasn't going to be part of the conversation; after a bit of catching up and her quizzing me about Dominic, she took a deep breath and laid it out there.  "So...  Benny and I aren't getting any younger, and we've talking about starting a family for a while, but it's kind of weird for us, considering.  Both my parents and yours have been on us about it for a while, with mine shocked I don't have a couple kids already and yours more understanding but still wanting grandchildren.  What do you think about that?"

I sat and thought for a second, not sure I'd really ever considered this possibility, before answering.  "I guess I think it's up to you.  I'm the one that walked away from that life and that DNA so you two could be together, and--"  Something clicked.  "Oh, shit, I've been moaning so much about being pushed aside for the last few days that I never thought of how that might make things easier for you to just get on with your lives!"

She shook her head.  "It doesn't, actually.  Benny - well, Benny's been more self-conscious about being Chinese-American since the pandemic, and he's kind of worried he doesn't have it in him to raise someone else's kid.  He's talked about making the guy who's living his old life an offer to be a sperm donor, and though he's coming around to believing me when I tell him that that would make me feel like we were raising someone else's kid because I love who he is now, body and soul, it feels precarious, you know?"

I kind of did, but still felt confused.  "I get it, but I don't know if there's anything I can do.  Like, it's tough for me to be less threatening on the other side of the world, unless you're telling me you're going to block me on social media and ask my family not to mention me--"

"No!  The opposite!  I need you to be part of this!  I think we all need to remember that we were always going to be an unconventional family and it's okay.  I know things were always going to be weird between you and Benny, but he's going to need to be able to talk to you about what things were like for you growing up and what comes from having Jordan Chang's DNA and that you'll be supportive but have no claim."  She took a breath, embarrassed about the outburst.  "Look, neurology isn't my specialty, and we don't know how that Inn affects people, but lately I sometimes wonder if he's got more of what I think of as the old Jordan in him, especially as you don't seem nearly as insecure as you were as a guy, or maybe it's just the past ten years, but I think he kind of needs your approval."

I leaned my head back as she fidgeted a bit.  "Ugh.  How the fuck am I ever expected to be the mature voice of reason?"  Not the first time I've asked that.  "I mean, obviously I'll support whatever you do.  And for what it's worth, the wedding before this was someone who got knocked up by someone living her original life in a pretty harsh situation, and you'll never see anyone who loves her daughter more.  You'll be okay."

"I hope so."  We stood and hugged, and she said we really should talk more often, even without all the other stuff, and I agreed.

By the time I got on the plane the next day later - with security being really weird, what with all that was in the news over the weekend - and certainly by the time I arrived back in Hong Kong, I wasn't so sure.  Is it selfish to try to maintain these old connections, especially when I've got a pretty good life here, or is it necessary?  I kind of wonder if that week in New York was so stressful in part because I sometimes let my original life stay at the back of my mind for months at a fucking time.  Is this place home now because I can sort of be at ease here without handling multiple sets of expectations?

Also, my being away for two weeks for friends' weddings has apparently led to Dominic thinking things while alone in our bedroom, and, honestly, he had better not fucking propose any time soon because I do not have the mental bandwidth for what our wedding would look like while I'm trying to catch up at work!

-Jordo

Jordan/Yuan-wei: Yes, It's Me, In the Sari

I dunno if Annette is going to make a post about the wedding on this blog, but I figure I'll leave all the really touristy, holy-shit-I'm-really-doing-this stuff to her, because as anybody who has seen her Facebook page over the last couple weeks can attest, she is really into doing that right now.  And who can blame her, really?  She's been an Indian-American dude, but only really did stuff that emphasized the "Indian" part of that a few times, plus it's all so foreign to everyone she knows in her "real" life that they more or less demand every second be documented, and she has happily complied.

We planned it so that our flights arrived in Mumbai at about the same time, and then Kareena was there to pick us up.  There was a lot of hugging before Kareena told us that we weren't just attending, but would be part of the bridal party.  "Mummydaddy didn't want that at first, since it's usually just family and closest friends, but I didn't think it was right that either of you should be off in the back, since me and Jor -- that is, Benny -- wouldn't be together without you two, I insisted."  She looked panicked for a second.  "It's that too much?  Maybe you wanted to be anonymous--"

Annette, at least, was down for it.  "Hell, no, just be warned - I am going to be the worst gawking American with her phone out all the time!  How 'bout you, Jordo?"

I have to admit, I had kind of figured it would be like René at my graduation, there but kind of just out of curiosity, but I also know I wasn't going to watch my own wedding without Annette there for moral support, so what the hell else could I do but say yes?  Which meant a quick drive into the city, where Kareena had some pretty specific ideas for what we needed in terms of outfits.

Also, that our plans to fight jet lag and be really fresh for the second days ceremonies were kind of dashed, because now we had to be at the ganesh pooja, and while it was a nice ceremony, it was kind of uncomfortable.  Benny was there, so they weren't conducting it entirely in Hindi, but I think that they would have otherwise just to spite us.  Kareena had been necessity vague about how we fit into her going from a not-quite-arranged marriage to what they see as rushing into things with Ravi's old roommate, so they think maybe one of us slept with him or was rejected and faked evidence of him being gay or something like that.  Since some of have probably been putting some way to get Kareena and Ravi back together for the last couple years, we're not exactly welcome guests to them.

The atmosphere was a little different the next morning as we all got our hands and feet painted at the mehndi ceremony; that was almost all Kareena's girlfriends and they just saw it as romantic, wanting details of how everything went down.  We kept to the story about how "Jordan" used to be a big gamer and "Yuan-wei" was one of the folks he regularly played with, that I met Annette at some college-night thing, we took a trip to New York, and one or the other of us noticed some sort of chemistry between him and Kareena, especially once he started getting into shape.  It's a cover story that sounds like one when Annette and I hear it, but I guess it sounds reasonable to everyone else.

It takes a while and I feel genuinely weird looking at my skin afterward.  The henna patterns look like tattoos and I don't know that I really like that.  I never got one back in my original life, didn't even consider my body my own as Deirdre, and just never saw how injecting ink into my skin was going to make me better-looking since becoming Yuan-wei, especially since I could still  remember Mom & Dad saying that there could come a time when I didn't want one,  and figured that went double for chicks.  I put on makeup and jewelry and sometimes do prosthetics for movies and Halloween and shit, but seeing my body as an artistic medium was weird, even if I'm probably more used to it as malleable than most.

The sangeet was that night, and I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Mom, Dad, Max, and Bingbing arrive and sit down away from me, with Benny.  When I didn't see them, I could kind of put the fact that the Inn cut me off from my family out of mind, but this hit me a lot fucking harder than expected, them traveling to the other side of the world for Benny.  It also removed me that I hadn't just come here out of obligation, and that Benny hadn't agreed to the big Indian wedding to make Kareena happy.  We were trying to get them into a state of mind where we could tell them the truth.

Annette grabbed my hand and was an awesome friend through this, but I didn't get much sleep after, and the next morning, as we all helped Kareena get ready, I really wondered about some stuff for the first time.  She looked so damn beautiful and happy, and I thought about how is always just fucking dismissed her back when she was sort of Ravi's girlfriend, I guess because of the whole arrangement that seemed to drop her in his lap, but I couldn't help going down the what-if path, like, if I'd been in shape, would she have been attracted to me the same way she was to Benny?  Then maybe I never go to the Inn, or I wind up taking Max or something, and, nope, just gross.  And maybe Annette has nobody who can help her out and gets in a real mess as Yuan-wei, or Benny steals Kareena from me...

It'll drive you nuts if you go down that rabbit hole, so I dug out and just got through the wedding.  I haven't really been to a lot, but, man, these Indian ones are colorful and festive compared to Western ones with churches and bland suits - there was horses drums, and fire!  It lasted a while, but it was good for gawking, and then there was the reception with food, music, and so much dancing.

I was a bit creeps out when the first Chinese guy asked me to dance, but he was like a second cousin, and even if we were still blood relations, well, that's not that close, and he was respectful enough when I removed his hand from my ass.  That I hadn't seen any of them for fifteen years made a lot of difference, as did the fact that, by and large, they were kind of a nice break between Kareena's male relatives and friends and neighbors and all.  Don't get me wrong, the Indian dudes are all cool and fun, and I've got no fucking problem with guys seeing me as hot in part because I'm different, but the confidence and directness was a bit much, especially the ones who pushed the conversation to marriage awful quick and then boasted about the size of their parents' house.

Still, I had a lot more fun than I'd ever had at one of these as a guy, to the point that I was still going strong when Annette tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my parents, who were winding down and making their way to tell Benny and Kareena they were done for the night.  I made my way back to my seat to collect the shoes I had taken off earlier (we were well into the barefoot dancing stage of things) and Annette went to find Max.  We all meet up in the hallway and told them that we had something important to tell them, although Annette and Bingbing stayed behind in the hall when we got to Mom's and Dad's guest room.

Dad asked what this was about, and Benny looked at me.  "Should you start, or should I...?"

"Oh God, they're in some sort of weird poly thing."

I think we all looked a little shocked to hear my mom say that, but Kareena recovered first.  "No!  But, honey, I think you have to start."

Benny nodded, and turned to my parents.  "Okay.  Well, them, here goes.  I'm, uh, I'm not your son.  She is."

I looked at him.  "Oh, that's fucking eloquent.  Real sense of the moment you've got there."

My Dad looked at Benny, then me, then back to Benny.  "I'm afraid I don't get the joke, son, or why you'd do this tonight of all nights."

"It's not a joke, Da-- Mister Chang.  There's this cursed beach house in Maine, and it turns people into the last person to stay there.  I stayed there after Jordan, like, four years ago, and we were going to all change back, but that's how I met Kareena, so we didn't."

"Think back, Dad - didn't we think it was weird that Jordan suddenly started to become easy to get along with and care about his health when he came back from that trip to Maine with Ravi?"

I gave him a look.  "You know, you could have mentioned suddenly no longer speaking Chinese and changing jobs...

"Stop it!"  Mom looked at us.  "This isn't funny, and Kareena, I would not think you would be a part of the boys doing this."

"I wouldn't if it was a joke, Mama Chang, but we kind of have to.  Jordan, the new Jordan, he tried to tell me five times - he hates keeping anything from me - but the curse protects itself even beyond it being hard to believe.  I always thought it was just a metaphor for him trying to change his life until the night he proposed, and I realized he wouldn't risk that moment unless he really meant it.  That's the only time the truth can get into your mind, when your life is already changing.  We were just hoping this was going to be a big change for you, and not just us."

"That's--"  She looked at me.  "Tell me something only my Jordan would know."

"Honey--!"

Mom gave Dad a look, then turned back to me.  "Come on, make me believe this."

So I did, and if I made sure to do it in Cantonese so that Benny and Kareena didn't understand, I'm sure as fuck not putting it on the Internet for anyone to read.

They didn't quite seem to believe us, but Dad was getting angry anyway.  "This doesn't make sense!  You say you could turn back but didn't, and how do you know if this is supposed to be protected?" He looked hard at Max, who stammered that was a while other story.

"It's part of mine.  There are some bad people out there that use the Inn, and Max got caught up."

"So you say.  But even if this is true, why tell us?  Why make us feel like fools?"

"Don't you want to know, Mom?  I mean, okay, things are going to be weird, but the weird things have explanations now!"

"Do they?  Even if this is all true, you said you could have changed back, but you didn't, even after someone else hit the gym for you!  Why didn't you?"

"Benny and Kareena--"

"Bullshit!"  Dad moved his gaze between me and Benny.  "I love my son, but that's not like you.  You could be so selfish!"

That fucking hurt.  "Do you have any idea what it's like to see someone take your life and improve it?  To just watch someone make your body and then make friends and get a great girl and even find a job he doesn't hate and just absolutely know that you're going to fuck it up?  It's goddamn terrifying, and I thought I was going to get into a very different situation instead of this!"

This time Mom was the one looking between us, not sure exactly what she should believe our who she should address.  "I...  I hope you don't think we loved you more just because--"

She started to well up, and I grabbed her hands.  "No!  And even if you did, that would have just meant that you were proud of me.  You couldn't have known!"

Our faces were close, enough for her to see my makeup, or my cleavage if she looked down a little.  "You do understand that is hard to look at you and see my son."

"It's been four years, Mom.  More than enough time to figure out bras and heels and lipstick."

"But I saw you on the dance floor, and you seemed so... enthusiastic.  Does that mean that before, you were--"

"Trans?  I don't think so - I'm hardly the first guy to visit the Inn and eventually be okay with the change to female, like it makes the new you the real you somehow.  But I dunno.  I'm into my appearance more, but I don't know if that means this is more 'right' or I've learned some sort of lesson or I just still like looking at hot chicks and that includes the mirror in the morning.  But the important stuff hadn't changed.  I still love Halloween and Hong Kong movies and the Mets.  I'm good with computers and still like to draw, and now I get to use them together."

I think that's when Mom really started to believe, although Dad needed a little more convincing.  We went through a lot of the last four years, although we didn't fill them in on all the details - I don't know enough about Bingbing's deal to spill and Max won't, and we left out the part about Max getting fucked by Annette. 

I guess it's good that they wanted to know a lot about Jacky and Ernesto - if they still thought I was just some random girl, they wouldn't really care about my (ex) (not really) boyfriends.  Or maybe they would.  On the other hand, they didn't say I should be paying off the student loans that Benny inherited, which I kind of expected.

So, I don't know if I'll be invited to Thanksgiving, or if Benny will be, or what.  But, man, is it a fucking load off.

-Jordo

Jordan/Yuan-wei: Taking the Long Way from Boston to L.A.

I bitch enough about no longer being officially American any more that you guys are probably stick of hearing about it, but the last few months have been kind of crazy, trying to figure out how to transition from a student visa to a foreign worker one, while at the same time trying to make it to India for Benny and Kareena getting married.  It doesn't sound like so much, but back in my old life, I had a coworker from India who had a hell of a time getting back into the country after visiting family back home, and that was before Trump was elected and ICE officially adopted "fuck you, foreigner!" as its guiding principle.

Fortunately, I've been able to work it out with my new job so that I can go "home" to Hong Kong when my student visa expires, travel from there to India for a couple of weeks, and then return to California on my new work visa.  It is not necessarily the most possible travel over the next month - I'm not being routed through Cape Town or anything - but even flying first class, I'm kind of dreading it.  It's a lot of being in the air for a move that seems like it should be less trouble and to watch Benny get married.

That's, like, really weird.  Part of it is that after nearly two years of Benny doing his own thing, he's suddenly asking for my opinion on a while bunch of shit, and I don't want to look at someone with a thinner version of my original face and think he looks kind of sexy in that tux.  It's fucking disturbing.  But I've kind of got to fill him in on some stuff, because a few second and third cousins from Hong Kong that I meet as a kid have RSVPed, and Max can't really fill him in on what he might be expected to remember.  I'm also the only person he feels he can practice his Cantonese with aside from Max and "Bingbing", and I guess I should help there.  He's not very good, having started learning with good intentions but let other things take priority, and now he's trying to cram what I learned since I was a kid into one summer.

Oh, shit - I just realized that practically Chinese person at this wedding will be some sort of relative, and they'll have no idea that's the case, but because I'm single, hot, and rich, practically every auntie there is going to be encouraging them to get close to me.  That's...  Ugh.  I mean, okay, we're taking about distant cousins that I'm not biologically related to anymore, but still, I'll know, and who knows how avoiding them might look.

It's weird enough to want me too just give the whole thing a pass, but Annette says she'll never forgive me if I do, because "Indian wedding" is some sort of bucket list thing, and, besides, when will Benny and I ever get a better chance to tell my parents who we really are?  Would we have to wait for someone to die?  And is their son getting married even a big enough event in their lives for this to work?

No time to back out, though - lots of flights and hotels booked, and it might be my last time to hang with Annette for a while (and she's also reminded me that if I'm not there to help her not be overwhelmed among a bunch of people speaking Cantonese, the whole basis of me becoming Yuan-wei falls apart).  She's already in New York, trying to find something in the publishing industry, which she says is some weird déjà vu considering that she's already moved there once and watched Marybeth look for this sort of job.

She's cleaned my apartment here in Boston out, too, taking everything she could fit in a U-Haul that I wasn't going to cart to California, much less Hong Kong.  It's not everything, though, so take this as a heads-up:  There's going to be some good Allston Christmas stuff outside my place this weekend.

-Jordan/Yuan-wei

Annette: Getting Stuff Right

I probably should be becoming a sort of hermit right now, doing little but catching up on everything I didn't bother to study over the past couple of years because I thought I'd never get my real life back, and while on the one hand is not hugely urgent - it's apparently common knowledge that while getting into a high-end school is difficult, once you're there, it is very difficult to actually fail a class if you make even a token effort - I still want to actually have the benefit of this education.  It's a lot of material, though the fact that the classes I'm in now build upon it helps; I feel behind a lot, but I also feel like I'm getting the basics reinforced or seeing actual application more than I would.

On the other hand, it wouldn't really be great to just hole up, either.  Sandra wasn't exactly a party girl when she was living my life, but she had fun.  Hell, she joined a sorority, which I had not planned to do, so instead of having a couple of roommates who might notice that I've gotten a whole lot more studious all of a sudden, there's a whole house full of girls doing what they can to pull me away from my books.  Which is kind of okay; I wouldn't want to miss the going out/having fun/making a bunch of friends from all over part of my college years, even if I did kind of do those things in a different way as Ravi and Benjamin.

And all that "having fun" pressure is before you take Missy into account.

I have to admit, I kind of didn't really appreciate what a big deal losing Jacky was for her.  I mean, it sucked, but in a lot of ways Chen-ai injecting herself into things at the last minute was a win - I get to be me, Max gets to be Max and he and Missy can reconnect, nobody's going to jail, and nobody is trapped in a lousy body; even Bingbing #3 seems to be settling in.  But for Missy, I don't know whether losing the first significant other that really stuck or it being a sort of order stung worse.  Whatever the reason, she's been really throwing herself into things to fill time this semester, whether it be nightlife, planning her big Halloween party and costume(s), or both her short film graduation project and Ernesto's.  She really, really, really does not want to slow down.

(She even had a brief thing of playing matchmaker, but although Ernesto and I got along on that date she set up, we're not going to be more than friends)

Heck, I was feeling a few steps behind her when I got her message Saturday, saying to wear a nice dress but not something super-sexy, because I was pretty sure that this particular Saturday night was going to be a working night in.  The script for Missy's short film (which badly needs a better name than "I, Fembot") already needed another draft, but all the sexual harassment and assault crap that has been coming to light in the movie industry has us wondering where to go.  On the one hand, a guy getting turned into a girl and forced to go through all the degrading garbage women deal with seems a lot more timely, but Missy never really saw the character as someone who deserved to be punished, and we kind of don't want to make a movie that's like "this sort of thing is okay so long as it happens to certain people" (and, man, the two of us certainly don't want to say it's okay if it happens to trans people, even if we figure we don't fit that category exactly).  Sure, there's been a lot of what we want to say coming out (guys don't realize just how much stupid and/or creepy things women take until they can't ignore it), but it kind of gets drowned out by the high-level predation.

So, like I was saying, that's what is thought we were doing, but I figured I might be mistaken, since my schedule was so nuts.  I really didn't want to do anything fancy, so I found a modest little black dress that Sandra had purchased, made the walk to the Missy's apartment, got buzzed up and froze when I opened the door and Kareena was there.

"That's--"  She looked to someone I couldn't see for confirmation and then grabbed me in a hug, pulling me in so that I stumbled.  She let go and took a step back.  "I can't believe it...  I feel like I should be so mad at you!...  Were you really Ravi when he dumped me?"

"I wouldn't say dumped, so much as came out and made it clear--"  I was talking at about half-speed as my brain tried to process everything.  "How do you know that, and how do you believe it?"

She lifted her hand up and showed me the ring on her finger, a small but attractive diamond.  She smiled even wider, and, God, it felt good to let out a huge girly squeal and not feel like I was out of place and embarrassing myself.  "Oh My God, he finally did it!  It's about time, because if I'd been attracted to girls as Ravi, I would have never let you go and never would have given Ravi his life back!"

She held her hands to her chest.  "That is the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me!  Jordan.. Benny... what do you call him?"

"I usually call him Benny."

"Well, Benny said that you were just the sweetest person no matter whose skin you were wearing, and I'm so glad I can really get to know all of you, even if it was because he ambushed me after he proposed, telling me that crazy story about the Inn and how he wasn't really Chinese and the original Jordan had been Deirdre but was now Missy!  I swear, I might have thrown the ring back if Max and Ravi hadn't said it was all true, but I guess it explained how Jordan could change enough to get us to this position in the first place, and how Ravi was so different for that year, and then...  Well, and then I realized that this man was willing to give up his entire life for me, and where would I ever find that again?"  Benny had moved in behind her, and she reached up to give him a kiss.  I melted.

"That's beautiful."  I paused.  "Awkward question - now that there's a new Ben out there--"

"I thought about it, because I really would like my folks to know Kareena, but, well, even though he doesn't plan to keep my old life, we've seen stuff go wrong.  And, who knows, maybe something wouldn't be quite right if I changed back.  Kareena says it wouldn't matter, but what if me not entirely fitting in with the Changs is part of what she likes about me, or there's some chemical spark missing?  I think I'd better stay like this."  He looked over at Missy.  "If you don't mind."

Missy made a face.  "Well, if you think the spark is something physical--"

"It would never work out."  We laughed at the way Kareena stuck that in there, but I got the impression Benny/Jordan had already talked with Missy about it, maybe even before he proposed.  There are some steps you want to make sure it's okay to take, even if you'd gotten a blanket blessing before.

Well, as you might imagine, we didn't get any writing done that night, but it turned out I was properly dressed for the nice restaurant we went to, drinking a lot of champagne as we toasted the happy couple.  It was enough for me to wind up just crashing in Missy's spare room and waking up with a heck of a hangover the next day, although it eased as we all hung out, giving Kareena more of a chance to get to know me and Missy like this.  She's really surprisingly cool with the guy who used to look like her fiance being happy as a young woman, which is nice.  She seems to like these versions of us enough to openly wonder how she'll explain us being bridesmaids to her family, which is just... wow.

(We're not sure when that will be, either next summer or next December - an Indian wedding takes no small amount of planning!)

So, it looks like we'll be doing that rewrite this weekend, and I've got to get a passport!  And, just on top of that, I kind of think maybe it's not all too much, maybe all these weird Inn experiences have just got me to where I'm supposed to be, not messed me up, and I should be a little more confident dealing with things as they are right now.

Max: Nothing's quite normal now

After last week, I'm grateful to be back to normal again - male, Chinese-American, just out of college.  It happened relatively quick, in terms of not having to wait around as Elaine for days after having Yang Chen-ai switch up the plan so that I can become myself again ahead of schedule - it happened late Friday night or early Saturday morning, depending on how you count those hours - and I think that was probably by design, with the Wong sisters figuring on a full house on Labor Day weekend as unsuspecting guests try to get the most out of the last holiday before fall.

I did like Chen-ai suggested (which, to be fair, is along the lines of what Jordan's model says) and stuck a chair in exactly the spot Carlotta had been when she changed.  Nothing happened Thursday night other than me giving up at around 4am and having a stiff back when I woke up at noon.  Annette had already caught the train south when I woke up and met Jordan for brunch, saying she had friends and roommates to meet for the first time before class started.  If she was freaked out enough by the whole general situation and wanted as far from Old Orchard as possible, I can't say I blame her.

Friday was pretty boring.  Jordan and I are both city people, and we felt like we'd pretty much exhausted what there was to do in Old Orchard by then.  We played some cards, wasted time on the Internet, and quietly mocked the folks next to us who thought that Lisa's Pizza was top-tier pie (we are New Yorkers under the skin, after all).  Then night came, he went back to his rented apartment, and I went back to the Inn.

Regular visitors talk about a tingle that comes earlier in the evening on nights that the change takes place, and Jordan, who makes computer models to try to predict the changes, has a theory about the change actually sending some sort of wave back in time because it's pushing and pulling information and extra mass out of some alternate dimension and this causing ripples on the t-axis, but I don't know about any of that.  I just know there was some sort of electricity when I walked into the building, although it might be easy to miss if you weren't looking for it.

As 2am approached, I found myself wondering what to wear.  I don't think I've heard any stories about people harmed by wearing chokers or thongs and becoming bigger, but the thought gets in your head, even though being naked starts to feel super inappropriate - like, soon those won't be your curves anymore, so you shouldn't be so causal with them, even if it took you weeks to get to that point.  I wound up in a t-shirt and a new pair of boxers - I wonder how much fresh underwear gets bought in the nearest department store after the Inn does is thing - so when I did change back, I mostly saw my skin tone change rather than really noticing inflation and deflation.  I noticed it when walking to the bathroom to check in the mirror, in that certain parts being non-retractable is proud positive that Apple doesn't design the human body.

It was me.  Carlotta hadn't given me a stupid haircut or let me get fat or left me with a tattoo or anything, although I guess she might have if she'd had the winter and next spring.  I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding; maybe I'd find this experience educational someday, but no sleight to Elaine, I was glad to be myself again.

A noise from the adjoining room made me stop moving for a moment.  It was right next to the wall, and when I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Jordan's floor plan, I wondered if the person on the other side of the wall had become Bingbing or if they had become whoever was in the room, and someone else drew that straw.  That was room 8, so they should have become Brittany and Ethan.

I did take out my phone and send Jordan and Annette selfies.  It felt pretty good that they both responded in a couple of minutes, with Jordan sarcastically saying good, I can go to bed now and Annette sending a couple emojis (I think the wink indicates that the hearts-for-eyes-and-wide-open-mouth was partly in jest) and a request to look her up the next time I'm in Boston.

I officially still had a girlfriend, though, and I figured that whoever wound up with that rule was going to need help like I did, as would everyone else, so I took my bag and the one I recognized as Bingbing's and headed out to the lobby.  Starting around 5am, there were a bunch of freaked-out people, and I did my best to explain what was going on.  Jordan wasn't letting her phone wake her at first, so I was on my own, and it wasn't so bad after a while.  Some folks were angry that I hadn't done anything to warn them, but being myself again made me a bit more intimidating than I was as Elaine, so it didn't get violent.

By about 11am, I'd counted twelve of us, but no Bingbing.  Only room 4 seemed to be unaccounted for, so I walked over and knocked on the door.  "Are you okay in there?  I know what's happened to you is scary, but I've been through it.  Things can get back to normal and I can help."

The door opened as far as the chain would let it, and "Bingbing" looked out.  Her hair was messy, and she had a look I'd never seen on that face when it was Carlotta inside, though it occurred to me that maybe I should have seen her look worried at some point if we'd actually been as close as I thought we were.  Seeing that I was Asian too, she asked what had happened in Cantonese.

I was a little surprised by that, and I guess it showed, and I told her the Inn was cursed, that the guests turned into the last people to stay there, but while the origins were hard to dig up, the effects were fairly predictable, so if you got the timing and positioning right, you could be yourself again, although it generally took about a year because this place filed up pretty well for someplace under a hex.  I took the passport out of the bag and handed it to her, and she closed the door, likely running to the mirror to check that she'd become Bingbing rather than just a new girl - after all, if she was Chinese to start, that wouldn't seem so random.

She came back and opened the door all the way.  "So I'm this Chen Bingbing now.  Why?  I thought I was just getting a job in America, and they told me to do a training thing here while they sorted out my visa.  Did they know?"

I said we'd have to do some research, but I suspected of we traced whoever owned her new employer back a ways, we'd find Yang Chen-ai, and her new job was keeping an eye on me and Jordan.  I told her that story, trying to minimize some of the scarier parts, but she was curling up into a ball by the end anyway.

By then I'd looked around the room and saw that the clothes on the floor were guys', and rolled the suitcase over.  "I'm guessing what's in here will be more comfortable than what you've got.  It looks like you were, uh, taller before."

She admitted that was the case and took the suitcase into the bathroom.  Not sure whether to stay or go, I stood by the door and looked at my phone until she came out wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.  She hadn't put a bra on, but it seemed like it would be really inappropriate to offer help with that.  "So," I said, "you want to meet Jordan?  Yuan-wei is supposed to be your best friend, although I guess it might seem silly to keep it up."

"Might as well, especially if you're right about what I'm supposed to do."

So I texted Jordan, found out that Cary had his truck nearby, and decided to meet up there.  On the way, I asked who she really was.

"I...  I don't know if I should say.  You seem nice, and I'm sure your brother will too, but how can I really know?"

I was kind of disappointed, but said it was fair enough.  Jordan was a little less thrilled about not knowing who her supposed best friend was, but figured there was no way too force this information out of her, especially since she already seemed freaked out by how comfortable this girl I kept calling my brother was - elated, even, to still be Yuan-wei.

Jordan yelled "guess who!" when we came to order, introducing me and Bingbing.  To my surprise, Elaine was in the back of the truck as well, reading something on a tablet that I suspect would raise eyebrows if it had been a physical book in the hands of an eleven-year-old, and she jumped out the back to look at me from all angles.  "Don't take this the wrong way, but you gave up being me for this?"

"Like you won't be thinking 'he's hot and knows my body, I should call him' in a couple of weeks."

"Dude, I'm in fifth grade.  That'd get you in so much trouble even if I had the right hormones to care."

Jordan raised an eyebrow.  "You're not changing back?"

"Well, it's not like your wicked stepmother gave me a heads-up on her plan so I could just run away from home before this guy got temporary custody and Mackenzie disappearing again would have the cops sniffing around him.  Instead, I get to re-experience middle school!"

"Ouch.  Although, I guess it will be easy this time."

"The schoolwork, but having ten- and eleven-year-olds try to befriend you as the new girl is weird.  And I think one of the boys already has a crush on me."

We came up with the idea of co-writing a letter to Elaine #4, and sat down at a picnic table to do so.  I'm not sure what Jordan and Bingbing #3 talked about, but by the time we were done they were talking about getting moving, because school was about to start, whether in Boston or New York. 

It seemed weirdly abrupt, but at least we didn't have to really say goodbye until we got to Boston, and we stood kind of awkwardly in North Station until she said that, look, just because she'd been a girl for the years didn't make her a hugger, but...  And then she grabbed me, and I hugged her back, and he said he was glad we could talk without hiding anything now.

"Yeah, I'm just glad to know.  We've got to find a way to make Mom and Dad believe, though."

"I know!  I keep trying to figure out how that's going to work, besides hijacking some other major life event.  Cause that's be fucking weird and selfish, right?"

"Maybe I can tell them I've proposed to her, and then we can be like 'okay, now that you're in the right frame of mind, what I really want to tell you is...'"

It was weird that we were able to laugh at that, although Bingbing said not to even pretend, and why not just do it ourselves without involving her.  We were like, dude, gross, but I have to admit, we gave it some thought.

Jordan offered to buy us plane tickets home, saying if Chen-ai had a problem with that, then they might as well get the argument over spending her allowance out of the way early.  I almost said no, but I figured Bingbing's first exposure to New York didn't have to come via the Chinatown bus.

When we did land, she wasn't exactly thrilled to find out that Carlotta/Bingbing had moved in with me/Giorgia over the summer, or that there was just one bed in the apartment.  Truth be told, I also kind of wanted to throw the mattress out the window when I thought about that - sure, she moved in before the trip to the Inn, but she must have known what she was going to do by then, right?  Gross.

I took the couch that night and we did our own things for the first few days - she's been doing school registration stuff, buying books, all that, while I've been trying to set up job interviews - Carlotta taking the summer after graduation off hadn't really helped my prospects.

The text from Benny-Jordan didn't come until a couple nights ago, and I was kind of nervous when he asked if I wanted to hang out, shoot some hoops, and talk.  I kind of had to.

Meeting up with him at the gym, it seemed almost as absurd to think I'd been fooled into thinking he was the real Jordan as it was to have "Yuan-wei" tell me she was.  He just didn't move like my brother always had, he enjoyed ruining and sweating, and he was friendly toward people the old Jordan would have snapped at.  And the first thing he did was apologize.

"So, like, your brother said I should have tried to get you to dump Bingbing as soon as she found out she wasn't the original, and I said she deserved a chance."

"I wouldn't have listened.  She was too much exactly what I wanted in a girl, and Jordan, well, he could be kind of a jealous dick about girls."

"Ah."

We talked a little more, but that was the main thing he wanted to say.  He didn't really apologize for taking over Jordan's life; he said that as much as he knew it didn't really feel like what he was supposed to do, Jordan did say to take it and how do you just give Kareena up?  And while he had gotten his Cantonese up to "embarrassing" in the last two years, he couldn't imagine landing in the position Jordan and Annette had found.

So that's where things are now.  In a lot of ways, things are kind of back to normal - I'm in my apartment, looking for work, and I've been hanging out with Bingbing more in the last few days, showing her where to get authentic Chinese food in Manhattan, where you can see Chinese movies, that sort of thing.  We met a friend of mine for dinner last night, and it was almost like a date.

But it wasn't, and it seems like there are a lot of things right now that seem the same as they were at the beginning of summer, but which I know aren't true.  My girlfriend's not my girlfriend, my brother's not my brother, there's a hot chick out there who is, a scary lady in Hong Kong who can redirect or lives in crazy ways, and two women whom I've been told I don't have to worry about, but how can I not?  How do I just answer my parents calling about Sunday dinner and act like all that's not out there?

I suppose the every-day stuff will overwhelm it, especially when I'm working and have a real daily routine.  But there's way more at the edges of my life that I didn't know about before.

-Max

Jordan/"Missy" Yuan-wei: Telling folks

Back when Benjamin was living the life of my former roommate Ravi, he lost a bunch of sleep about the idea of outing himself (would it be "herself" because he still thought of himself as female at the time despite being biologically male? the Inn creates such fucking pronoun issues).  It was, he figured, not his place even though maintaining the premise that Ravi was straight sucked for everybody.  I went along because I was just trying to keep my head down and get through being Deirdre, but I suspect that govern other circumstances, like I'm still a guy and I just happen to find out that my roommate is gay, I'm not keeping quiet.  Maybe I'm not looking for places to announce it, but I'm not pretending and maybe, if I get drunk or he pisses me off, it comes out.

Most of the time, it's not like that with the Inn; you can't tell people and have them believe you - although, now that I think about it, I can't remember the last one of us who really tried; it's just something we take for granted because it makes sense.  If you could, more people would, and this cursed piece of Maine real estate would have been taken over by the government or people who didn't go to church would believe in magic and shit.  I mean, it makes sense, but I'm sure the real Yuan-wei and Bingbing probably thought that whole "you'll melt if you try to change twice" thing made a lot of sense too, and look where it got them.

That situation got me thinking about outing, sort of.  Like, I've got a good thing with Jackie right now, but there's a good chance that he'd flip the fuck out if he found out that I used to be a guy who grew up in Queens.  So would some of the other guys I've fucked.  I don't think Jackie would get violent or anything, but let's not kid ourselves; I've enjoyed being with guys who can pick me up and manhandle me a bit, and it would be stupid to assume that all of them would just be like "oh, hey, you've got a pussy now, so it's cool, there's no actual threat to my heterosexuality at all and I'm sure everyone will understand".  That people reflexively disbelieve is probably a life-saver in some cases.

And, hell, I'm not sure how those of us have been to the Inn find each other beyond this blog and friends of friends.  Should I start asking people if they've ever been to the Trading Post Inn as soon as a relationship looks like it might start getting serious, or at least sexy?  Or should I just let people be who they choose to present themselves as?  Most of us who aren't actively looking to get our old lives back are just trying to be the person we are now.

But then you get to folks like the current Bingbing and Sandra, who have been actively deceiving people for their own benefit.  One of them is fucking my kid brother, and the other one fucked my friend over.  Hell, given that I had another friendly session with Inspector Yee when I went back to Hong Kong for a couple of weeks after the film festival - turning 21 gives "Yuan-wei" monitored access to a trust fund, though the full amount coming from her father's will won't be available until I'm legally 25, so this guy has decided to sniff around me a little more - it's possible she fucked me over and I won't know it until Yee can prove that whoever was Yuan-wei at the time was responsible for her father's death.  Even if you accept they've got a right to privacy on this, something stinks.

I talked to Ronan first, making sure it was a voice call and asking if "Sandra" was there.  She wasn't, so I told him about meeting the original Yuan-wei and Bingbing in Montreal, how they had been made to think that there was no going back, and how the woman he was telling the whole world was his wife was keeping a couple of big fucking secrets from him.  He went through the rationalizations you'd expect - that her life before being Yuan-wei didn't really matter, that it just made things more romantic that she'd decided to stay with him after realizing that they were going to the Inn, all that stuff.  Could be true, I guess, but, on the other hand, as much as Ronan is a nice enough guy beyond the whole cheating on his wife thing, is he really so nice that is worth becoming fifteen years closer to death and not nearly as hot and rich to be with him?  I mean, true love, she could manage to get back with him without giving up all this, right?

Not what he wanted to hear, as you might imagine, even without mentioning that she might be running from something.

As for Bingbing, I was a little less sure what to do.  I mean, whoever she may have been, she seems to be genuine enough.  She and Max are still together, posting a lot of photos on their respective Facebook pages, and they seem to really like each other.  She and Kareena get along when Max and "Jordan" go on a double date, and even if I know there's something not right about her, it's not like I can tell Max without looking like I'm trying to steal my bestie's boyfriend, and how gross would I feel if he actually took it that way? 

I can talk to Benny, at least, and ask him to keep an eye on them, and maybe if he wants to act like he doesn't like her...  Being Benny, he's not exactly cool with that idea.  However much our brains change from the curse, it's not enough for his first reaction to be anything but "chill", especially since he does think she's pretty cool, and have I considered that it might be good for Max to have a girlfriend who is probably more mature and experienced than she looks?  I guess I could kind of see that, and when Benny pointed out that the one who had been Yuan-wei was the one who had decided she needed to bail on her second life and leave her friend behind, maybe Bingbing was basically okay, especially since, while she was comfortable, she wasn't rich like Yuan-wei and thus motivated to make the originals think there was no going back.  Benny thinks she's making the best of a tough situation, and I've got no evidence to the contrary.

Aside from that, though, I get the impression that he was taking it personally, like I was implying that he and Kareena shouldn't be together because they're inherently doing so under false pretenses.  I said it wasn't like that at all, that I've got a boyfriend and that would be way more deceptive than the two of them getting together after he basically made my life his own, and I try not to be a complete fucking hypocrite, but that didn't make it better.

As to just outright talking to Bingbing or "Sandra"...  Well, I'm kind of being a pussy there.  I get nervous about leaving either of them messages on Facebook or other social media that someone else might see (heck, I still pretty much lurk on Sandra's rather than send an actual request to connect), and I get the feeling Bingbing is screening my calls.  Maybe she's trying to figure out what to say because it's weird and I'm just being paranoid.

Maybe I'm just being an asshole here, enjoying being a junior in college with good looks and money, learning how to make movies without worrying about all that acting crap I don't enjoy but acting like everyone else should hold back because they used to be someone else.  People tell me I've spent a lot of time being an asshole, after all.  I'm trying not to be a bitch as Yuan-wei, so maybe I should just let it drop.

-Jordo/Yuan-wei

Annette/Benjamin: Sports

It's been a while since I wrote here, but that's mainly because things are going well but not off-the-charts, this-requires-examination well. I mean, it is in some ways - I've got my favorite writer helping me with what I'm working on outside the blog, although I'm not going to mention her name too often lest Google start sending her fans here which leads to another me winding up someone else - but mostly I'm a happy guy for kind of prosaic reasons.  I've got a smart, sexy girlfriend in Marybeth who shares a lot of common interests; I've got good friends who are also doing well; my job isn't great, but it gives me a fair amount of free time, plus it exists, which not everybody can say.  Being Benjamin is good right now, and I feel like I'm handling all the guy stuff quite well.

And the Red Sox just beat the Yankees to pull into first place, which is actually something I care about. I don't think it's a matter of following sports automatically being more appealling because I've got a penis, so much as I'm living with a bunch of guys, and they've been trained to follow the local teams since birth, and it's a very easy thing to pick up. After all, it's fun!  Especially during baseball season, there's a game practically every night that is only predictable in the very vaguest sense, and the stuff which makes it hard to predict is people doing things that are really difficult. I still haven't gotten into football beyond sort of rooting for Tom Brady in his battle with Roger Goodell the same way I would in a story (even when I'm not working Sundays in the winter, there are better things to do with a weekend afternoon), but I am following the Bruins, Celtics, and Red Sox way closer than I ever expected to.

I'm playing more, too. Nothing really organized, but when someone asks if I want to go out and shoot some hoops, I say yes a lot. I almost wonder at times if an affinity for that sort of physical activity and competition is like sexuality - we naturally spend a lot of time on this blog talking about suddenly being attracted to a new opposite sex because our brains have been rewired, and Missy often mentions to me how, even though she will find herself drawn to guys in the same room, she still likes looking at pictures of naked girls more (and I do sometimes look around during movies to see if anybody has noticed me raising my eyebrows when a guy takes his shirt off). But I know Benny was a real jock as a kid - when I went to see his folks over Christmas, there were a lot of trophies in his room - and I wasn't. Oh, sure, I jogged, because I didn't quite have the Rory Gilmore metabolism and (as Missy is discovering) it is not cool at all to be called fat as a young woman, but it didn't feel good the way it does now.

I actually got curious enough about this to email Benny/Jordan the other week.  He's not as obsessively self-examining as some of us, so he hadn't really thought about it, but he says he still enjoys working out even if it's not quite the endorphin-releasing high it was any more, but more the satisfaction of a job well-done. He's got more interests now, although he kind of chalked that up to being with Kareena and picking up what she likes.

It's a little alarming, in some ways; most of the time, most of us like to think of ourselves as the same people in new containers, which may just have different biological imperatives, but if this newfound excitement about the local teams also comes with the change, it really makes me think a bit about just who I am now,

- Annette / Benjamin

Annette/Benjamin: Flipping Burgers & Five-Year Plans

Someone explain to me why I can't just open Google Maps, type in ''now hiring", and get a list of jobs available in my neighborhood, maybe with some sort of standard way to apply. This seems like it would be tremendously useful, but you still have to literally pound pavement. It seems like a huge waste of time.

There are job websites, of course, bat they tend to be aimed at folks looking for substantially more impressive jobs than I appear to be qualified for.  I've answered some want-ads for things that I might be able to do but which look pretty miserable (anything that involves cold-calling people), and grimaced when looking at the work history that Benny and Ronan left me with. As much as I didn't bring Benny back to my room at the Inn because he seemed clever and ambitious, his CV since high school is a lot of seasonal jobs and work on construction projects; if he sticks with it, his work as Jordan at that gym will probably the first thing that could potentially be a career, with business cards and everything.

Ronan, meanwhile, spent the year that this was his life working in a hardware store. He was apparently pretty good at it, too: The manager of the place said so when I "returned" to see if that job was still available. It had been filled, which on a certain level could have been for the best (I suspect that even if there isn't that much to know about hammers, I know less). Still, it gave this guy in his mid-thirties a chance to lecture me despite my only appearing about ten years younger, about how I couldn't just make rash decisions and expect someone else to help cleanup after I've changed my mind. No shit, buster. Impart some more wisdom.

Which he did, asking me what my five-year plan was, and looking sadly disappointed when I said that I really didn't have one. "You've got to think about your future, Ben," he said, as if we had this personal connection so that his not rehiring me was his way of making me a stronger, better man.

That said, the five-year plan thing did get to me a bit. Sixteen months ago, my five-year plan was obvious - four of them in college, hopefully including a spot on the Lampoon staff, attending workshops, making connections, and then probably a crappy internship or job at a magazine as I learned the business, whatever that looks like in 2018. It would be tough, but I figured a Harvard degree would be worth something.

Then the Inn happened and I figured it wouldn't be so bad - I kind of tag-teamed with Sandra and figured I was getting really useful new perspectives that would serve me well down the line. But then the whole Ronan/original-Missy/Sandra thing happened, and I'm starting to think I should have chosen differently, maybe tried to learn Cantonese alongside "Missy's" other classes. It looks absurd as I write it, but I really think that, and I feel really envious of Missy when I do. Not for the money, or the vagina, or the amazing clothes, but I want to go to college like I was supposed to and have all the opportunities that you get from it. I can still enroll or take classes as Benjamin, but it won't be the same, either for me or the world at large.

I suppose I could go back to the Inn next year, but there's no way to be sure that the situation would get better short of convincing Sandra to give me my proper life back, and I don't think that's going to happen. I was on a pretty good track, after all. Besides, Benny trusts me with his life, and what if I surrendered it to someone who went and murdered his family or something?

...

Wow, I thought the self-pity was dark.

...

ANYWAY, as much as Benny's work history can feel like a big hindrance, it's varied enough to offer some help. For instance, when I applied to restaurants, he's got enough restaurant experience that, instead of just busing tables, I set to be considered for preparing food. It's not a huge difference in salary, but it makes me feel like I'm capable of a little more than manual labor. Cooking is creative, even if it's on a line at a fancy burger place.

Maybe not fancy fancy - we've not spreading foie gas on your Kobe beef most nights - but the place I wound up is as much bar as diner, with cocktails and micro-brew selections to pair with the two dozen or so named combinations.  So far, the folks seem to be pretty cool, and though we haven't been hanging out after work much - in part because I've mostly been working the night shift and the MBTA is not a 24-hour service like its equivalent in NYC, and although the trip home from work is pretty direct on the B line, there's not a lot of time to squeeze something else in between the grill cooling and the subway closing.

On the plus side, working here has cut down on my grocery bill a little bit, and the food is pretty great. Believe it or not, I actually hadn't had much in the way of beef since coming back from the Inn - even with a different identity that doesn't come with cultural dietary restrictions, it takes a bit of conscious effort to change your eating habits - and good Lord, was that first bacon cheeseburger strongly in the running for "best thing ever." My friend Gretchen went vegetarian for a few months in high school, and wound up going back more out of convenience than anything else, and she just said that she had sort of forgotten how good some things can be. Of course, midway through eating my first burger in over a year, I also remembered that putting on weight likely wouldn't be the huge issue it is for girls. I'll still have to exercise, but Benny tells me that his body always responded pretty well to reasonable effort, whereas dropping weight as Jordan took sustained work, so I probably should be okay.

If I'm still at "B&G" (the very minimalist name of this upscale-ish bar and grill) in five years, then something has probably gone wrong. It's serving its purpose right now, though.

-Benjamin / Annette

Jordan/"Missy" Yuan-wei: Early Homecoming

I'd figured on my next post being about the strangeness of being back in college again, but it's been both strange and familiar enough that I'm still not sure I've got anything to say about it yet.  Similarly, I didn't expect to make a trip back to New York for a few weeks or even months, because it really wouldn't do to get homesick this early, and, hey, if I were in Benny's shoes, I don't know if I'd want to have me or Annette around.  But he's not me.

He emailed Benjamin while I was in Hong Kong, asking if there was anything else he needed to know, also mentioning that this year's big North American Chinese Invitational Volleyball Tournament (NACIVT 71) was being held in New York and the team that he and Max were on had registered.  It's not a big deal, he said - they would be a low seed - but maybe, if he had some folks like us in town for the weekend, it would help him feel less like an impostor in the middle of this very Chinese-American event.

We hemmed and hawed about it - even if Benny didn't think it was going to be weird, it was going to be weird, Benjamin had pavement to pound to find a job, and I had no idea how busy school stuff was going to keep me.  But it was a hard invitation to refuse, especially since I knew Mom, Dad, and Max would be there, and even if I hadn't seen them much over the past year or so, I didn't like the feeling that they'd been cut out of my life just like that.  Even if I didn't talk to them, just to see them might be a big thing.

Once we decided we were doing it, Benjamin asked if we were going to be flying first class, but I don't exactly know what sort of charges on this credit card will make Chen-ai freak out and cut me off.  You hear stories about Chinese kids coming to America and just spending stupid money without bothering to go to classes at all, but that's mostly mainlanders, and while I didn't see anything in Hong Kong to imply that the Lee family put a particular value on thrift, I'd hate to blow it on the first week.  I did spring for the Acela train, since I have done the Chinatown bus before and... No.

Saturday

Benjamin came over early to help me pack, asking what our itinerary was.  Leaving Saturday and returning Monday apparently does not mean two changes of clothes if you're a girl like Yuan-wei - it means at least five, as you'll need day stuff, night stuff, and contingency night stuff.  Fortunately, some of that stuff doesn't take up much space, which is kind of nerve-wracking on its own, but it meant bringing an actual suitcase rather than a backpack.

The train ride was pretty uneventful - not that much faster than the bus, or even the regular train, but much more comfortable.  I also booked us a decent hotel - not flashy, but in midtown, and not a place where we'd feel uncomfortable getting in late.

Still...  After we got off the train and walked there, we stopped while still across the street and looked up.  I turned to Benjamin and started the question we were both thinking.  "You don't think...?"

"Cursed?  No way!  This is right in the middle of Manhattan, not some small town on the coast of Maine!  You couldn't hide that, right?"

"Nah, you're right."

"Still...  Ladies first, especially if they're paying for it."

Near as I can tell, there were no ill effects.

After getting our things stowed, we took the subway down to Chinatown, and I kind of enjoyed the trip, telling Benjamin how, although my family would come there to shop, we actually lived at the other end of the "Orient Express" in Queens.  It was kind of fun to walk to Seward Park and point stuff out; we really didn't have the chance to do that much when we were living on the other end of the island.  Okay, maybe we had chances but I was never in any mood.

We got there and asked about the Queens Kings, got a schedule, and found out that they'd be playing in an hour or so.  We walked around, scoping things out, Benjamin texting a bunch.  When we got to the court where Benny & Max would be, we set up a few yards away from where my parents and Kareena were, where we could sort of keep an eye on them without necessarily being with them.  Still, the fact that they were standing together had Benjamin leaning in to comment.  "Must be working out."

"Well, it had better."

"Quiet, rich sexy bilingual girl."

I shushed, although I whooped a little when it was time for Max and Benny to come out.  More, I'll have you note, than Tina Chen, who was there but sort of stood with her arms folded, looking angry.  I'm guessing that "Jordan's" new Hindu girlfriend was not a hit with her.

Anyway, I was never really into 9-man, as I wasn't athletic even as a kid, but it's a pretty good game, and Jordan really seemed to have improved the team.  They won, and as they came off the field, Benjamin grabbed my hand to head in Benny's direction.

(Shit, that looks ridiculous, but I can't call him Jordan yet.  I just fucking can't.)

He staggered a little bit when he realized who we were.  "Benny...  I didn't think you'd come."

"Benjamin, these days."  He smiled.  "And this must be Kareena."

"Uh, hi.  Sorry, I'm just meeting Jordan's friends, and I don't think he's mentioned you."

Benjamin froze, so I jumped in.  "Call of Duty co-op.  Killed a lot of nights together, until he started finding something better to do." I reached out my hand.  "Lee Yuan-wai, although I go by 'Missy' here."

She seemed to like Benjamin more than me, even though I'd tried to look pretty unthreatening, from flip-flops to light make-up.  Maybe on some level she recognized me as either old-Jordan or Deirdre, or that Benjamin had her lover's true face, or that the version of Ravi that really dug her and was eventually honest was underneath.  Or he's good-looking and I'm a pretty girl in her boyfriend's life she didn't know about.

We faked small talk for a little bit, and then Benjamin got a call.  "Hi...  You are?  Cool, we're at the other corner; Missy's in the cute yellow dress.  See you in a few!"  She hung up, and then gave us a look that screamed "teenage girl" to Benny and me.  "So, that was another member of our, uh--"

"Party?"

"Yeah, our 'party'!  She's from Philly and -- oh, there she is!"  Benjamin reached up a hand to signal a woman who stood out, and not just for being white in the middle of a big Chinatown event.  She was hot, in her mid-twenties, wearing tight shorts and a t-shirt with a plunging neckline to show off some pretty nice tits.  "Hey, Tori - don't think I've ever seen you off-line!"

"Well, I stick close to home."  She looked around and started pointing.  "Benjamin, Missy, Jordan, Kareena?  What about, uh...?"

"Chris and Ahmir?  The other members of our, uh, gaming party said they'd meet up later if that was okay."  He turned to Benny and looked apologetic.  "Hey, I didn't mean to derail this, but we so seldom get to meet in person, so I kind of texted everyone I knew in the area, and when Tori said she'd be in Jersey for the weekend, well, I kind of didn't want to pass up the chance to meet her.  You mad?"

Benny looked about as mad as one could be when a girl who looks like Tori just comes over to talk to you rather than vice versa, which is a pretty small amount.  "I just didn't realize it was going to be a big thing, was all."

"I know, I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself!"

"Well, I've got to get back with the team; we've got another match, but I'll see you all after."

He didn't quite run away, but he made some haste, and then Kareena turned to us, looking amused and skeptical.  "So.  Gamers."

I don't know how much Tori played, but Benjamin mostly just went for casual off-line stuff, so I stepped in.  "Yeah, we've been playing together for a few years, although the new campaign has been kind of tricky without good old JordoNYC, but I can't blame him for staying offline so much now that I see you."  I felt like I was repeating myself, but I really didn't want Kareena thinking of me as competition when I spent time around Benny.

"You just don't, I don't know, look that part like Jordan used to."

That stung a bit, but I tried not to let it get to me.  "That's what folks told me, but sometimes looks are deceiving."  Needing to improvise, I grabbed Benjamin's hand.  "But it led me to this guy, and we've sort of been together for a year now."

"Really?  You must have just been out of high school!"  I didn't see it going that way, since Benjamin doesn't look that much older than he actually is - I think his driver's license has him born in 1991 - but, hey, if it shifted Kareena's attention from me...

Kareena's phone rang, which was a nice interruption, and we went our separate ways.

Saturday evening

There are a million great restaurants in New York, but somehow we wound up in one of those Times Square places, seated at a table for six, although initially it was just me, Tori, and Benjamin.  She leaned over the table and raised her voice a bit to get heard over the noise.  "So I thought I was cool with being a girl quickly, but look at you, actually choosing it and wearing it so well!  I'm jealous!"

"Well, I didn't entirely choose it--"

"Girl, that dress is choosing it."

"Really?  I wasn't going for sexy."

"There's more to being feminine than being sexy, Missy, and you might not quite be a natural, but you're learning."

"Well, I've got a pretty good teacher."

''Heh, I could have used that at times. Along with everything else - you really hit the jackpot!''

I shrugged - what do you say to that? - and she somehow shifted conversational gears in a way that I was never good at to talk to Benjamin. ''And how are you doing? I remember when I found out that Willy was keeping my life, and even though I didn't have as much to lose as you did, I was devastated. Are you okay?"

"I don't know... I mean, it's been a year since I was that person, and this is exciting.  I miss my mom, but a lot of the other things, like college and stuff, I never really had."

"Good attitude! Hey, here comes Benny!" she stood and waved the guy at the door over. When he got there, she asked if he would rather be called Benny or Jordan in groups like this.

"Well, I'm not in many of them, and I've gotten pretty used to Jordan, but... I guess it would be nice to hear the other one again. Unless it's too confusing?"

I jumped in, saying it wasn't too hard to tell "Benny" from "Benjamin". It made him look at Benjamin weird again, them me. ''How did this not drive you nuts?"

"Hey, you made me pretty fucking hard to recognize.  Usually that tops out at a new hair color, from what I've heard."

''Heh, I suppose that's true. So, about earlier, are you two...?"

Benjamin quickly shook his head no. ''Everyone thinks we are, because they were, but you can't come into a relationship halfway and have it be real, right?"

"No, but sometimes I worry about what I'm not telling Kareena. At least you guys wouldn't have that."

Tori leaned in toward Benjamin and kind of purred. "Don't make assumptions about his plans... maybe Benjamin would like to play the field a bit?"

Benjamin almost choked on his beer, and from the way he squirmed before Tori smiled and turned her attention elsewhere, I'm guessing that Tori grabbed his knee under the table, if not something a bit higher up.

After a few minutes of small talk - Tori had evidently adopted the Phillies enough that I, as a Mets fan, could do a bit of smack-talking - the server brought both our appetizers and the last couple members of our group.

Erin hasn't posted much, and Rosie not at all, but they were a funny looking pair. Whether or not I'm shorter than Erin is as Chris depends on my footwear, while Rosie/Ahmir is almost a foot taller, but Erin gives the impression of being bigger in some ways.  She was the one who reached out her hand to introduce herself, seemed really curious about what it was like for me seeing Benny take things up that I hadn't done before, like 9-man, and then asked the group if any of us had experienced any sort of muscle memory or other skills that seemed to come with the body. She was kind of disappointed to hear that not only did Benny not speak Cantonese, but he had really felt at sea in his first class. Tori mentioned that she hadn't been able to do hair at all when she first entered this life, and quickly stopped trying.

"Well, bummer. No shortcuts, eh?" We all shook our heads. "Okay. I do have one question for 'Benjamin' specifically: Do you spend, like, an hour on your hair before heading out to do stuff? I swear, I'm so used to make-up and trying on different outfits and stuff that I must have brushed this five thousand times because it felt like I wasn't doing enough. And Rosie doesn't even have that!"

We all chuckled - Rosie had come out of the Inn with a shaved head, although a month or two worth of growth had come in. She didn't seem terribly fucking amused, though.

''How can you all joke about this?"

Tori shrugged. "Because it's funny. There's this whole list of things you assume and then they aren't true and you fall on your face, but sometimes it turns out that the bad things aren't true, either. And once you decide that this is your life, the differences become really funny. And that kind of applies to the people I know who have gone back. I know this guy who spent eleven months as a girl, and he laughs so hard whenever he sees some dude get all uncomfortable around feminine health stuff, because to him it's just like toothpaste now. Once you know who you're going to be-"

"But we don't know! You all had people steal your old lives-"

"Benny and I didn't," I interjected. 

"You kind of did! He changed so much that going back seemed wrong! And what if things go wrong? Like, what if it doesn't work out with him and Kareena, or the real Missy decides being a housewife isn't for her? You'd have to give them their old lives back, right?''

"Maybe, but I can't worry about that now, or I'd never fucking do anything!"

Benjamin grabbed my hand to calm me down, and then got us onto another subject: New sexes, ethnicities, and all aside, how was everybody enjoying New York? That got Benny talking about how he had found work at a gym that the team's coach managed, while I talked about some places I really liked and Benjamin did the same.  Erin wasn't quite taking notes, but she was certainly paying attention.

That took us through dinner, at which point ton said "speaking of things to do, I've got a friend of a friend who can get us into a pretty great club. You guys in?"

Benny demurred, saying that he had another match on Sunday and, besides, Kareena would already be wandering what was up. Erin was interested, but even if Rosie was saying she might, I could tell they were going to have to keep convincing her all the way to the door. 

Thinking of the door, I laughed bitterly.  "'Yuan-wei' just turned twenty, and I haven't even thought to look for any sort of fake ID yet.  Goddamn it, this wasn't a problem in Hong Kong!"

Benjamin laughed and hoisted his drink. "Well, at least I'm not underage like this!"

Tori looked more disappointed. ''Aw no, I wanted to party with my new former-guy friend! A girl as cute as you - and I'll bet you've got a killer dress back at your hotel room -should still set in, though! Wanna try?"

I kind of did, but... "Not tonight; you guys have fun.  I'll make sure to be better prepared next time."

Tori said she was holding me to that, and us we went to head our separate ways, Benjamin came over and said that if I'd rather do anything else, she was down for it. I told her to go have fun - Tori obviously wanted him grinding on her, and the new guys clearly needed a bad example to learn from.  I'd catch the new Jackie Chan movie, which wasn't playing Boston, just in case our paths crossed the next time I was in Hong Kong, as apparently happens on occasion. He thanked me for continuing to be a dick.

As expected, the movie wasn't very good, and I sighed a little looking at the dress I had packed for clubbing, not quite sure whether I had missed out or dodged a bullet.

Sunday

That was an even tougher question when I saw Benjamin the next morning. We were going to hit one of his favorite brunch places, but the way he looked as he opened the door suggested we should hit a place with Bloody Marys instead. "Tori really did a number on you, huh?"

''She's had practice," he groaned. "You should learn from her. That thing where she seems to be matching you drink for drink but somehow winds up the one loading you into a cab despite being a petite little thing is something you should know."

''At least she put you in that cab."

"The lady's a gentleman."

Whatever state she had been in when Benjamin left her, she was also a bit hung over when we met up at Seward Park for the next day of 9-Man.  Oh, she looked good in her plain white T-shirt and knee-length jean shorts, but she was accessorizing with dark sunglasses and a giant iced coffee. She started to say something, then just motioned to a bench.

We kept it pretty quiet for a while, as the sun was feeling pretty merciless. Given that 9-man is generally played in parking lots and other asphalt surfaces - unlike regular volleyball, you can play on a bounce - it was likely to be a rough day.

We hung out like that until it started to get crowded, when we wandered back over to the court and Tori nodded at my/Benny's group. "Check it out; Kareena decided to bring the heat today."

I glanced over and she had, decked out in running shorts and a sleeveless, midriff-baring top to match. The earrings and hair a bit more elaborate than a ponytail contradicted the "just out for a run" look a bit, but she didn't look tarty or anything.

Benjamin rolled his eyes. "You girls give yourselves way too much credit; it's just a hot day where she's trying to keep cool."

I shook my head.  "Anyone else, I'd probably agree, but you forget I knew her for a year before going to the Inn. She was pretty conservative clothes-wise, even in the middle of a heat wave that might actually compare to what she grew up with in India. She's sending a message, and it looks like she's delivering it in person."

Benjamin did a bit of a double-take at that, and before we knew it, Karena was standing next to us; those long legs can cover some ground. ''Hi; can we talk? Maybe over there?'' She dropped her voice a bit. "Jordan's parents."

I wasn't sure what that was about, but we moved over to the bench we'd been on before. ''First, I want to apologize for doubting you yesterday; Jordan says he never would have had the nerve to, well, let things with us happen if not for you guys."

That should have made me feel good, but I couldn't help but think of how it severely understated my contribution.  Benjamin must have seen that on my face, because he jumped in. ''That's us, pep-talk masters! Although I think we just gave him the last push he needed."

Uh-huh. I guess there have been more disheartening Inn-related fictions. though.

"Anyway, thanks for pushing him, although it's still kind of a weird situation - my folks are I not /I pleased with me leaving his roommate, and some of the talk at dinner about how Max should have known his last girlfriend was no good because she'd been seeing someone else when they started going out... well, we're probably going to wait to tell then the whole stay of how we met for some time!"

I snickered a bit. "I imagine so!" Truth be told, though, I was kind of wondering about Mom's & Dad's pickiness. I couldn't remember ever experiencing it. Had it been there all along and I didn't see it because I was the one they might think was too good for some girl, or was it the opposite - that they had higher standards for Benny than me?

Kareena then said something about wishing she had joined us last night, although Tori assured her that it was a night full of boring gaming staff and in-jokes that we barely got. Then Benjamin gave an example that sounded like just any nerdy thing, but which he knew from the past year that Kareena was into - old-school Doctor Who or something - and they started chatting away while Tori and I watched the guys play and I refused to tell her which one was my brother. I like her, but there's weird drama when she sets involved with guys.

The match ended with Max and Benny on the losing team, so Kareena ran off to tell her boyfriend that he was great anyway... with Benjamin awkwardly shaking his hand and then just continuing to sit there. 

It took a minute for the scene to register with me, and then I burst out laughing.  "Tori, I think that Benjamin really likes Kareena!"

"You mean... Aw, our little girl is becoming a man. Or at least, a heterosexual one!"

Benjamin had turned red. "Shut up, guys! what am I supposed to do with this?"  He did a quick nod toward his groin in case someone didn't get it.

We looked around; there was a pretty good crowd. "Just wait it out," I said, "though this can't be your first random boner."

Tori giggled and said she didn't think that there was anything random about it. Benjamin flashed her the stink-eye and and said he'd had morning wood, but you could generally take care of that under the covers. I shrugged and said he was going to have to wait it out.

Tori took our leave of us then, saying she really did want to see the extended family and, besides, it wasn't going to get any better than this.  Benjamin flipped her the bird, and I joked that this is when you know you've made a good friend quickly. He didn't disagree.

I did my best to help, talking about non-sexy things, and when Benjamin was finally feeling ready to stand, we decided to head out.  It seemed Kareena and company weren't done with us for the day, though.  She, Benny, and my parents were watching another match that some of my old neighbors were involved with, and while I was trying to think of a good way to come introduce myself, Benjamin was apparently checking out the horizon a little further out and saw something that made him start running.  I looked up at the path he was following and picked up my pace once I saw why.

Ravi.

By the time I got through the crowd, Benjamin had apparently already introduced himself, and while the argument wasn't heated yet, I could see it was on the way there, with Ravi saying he didn't care that Benny and Kareena hadn't told my parents everything and that Benny should have thought of that before stealing his girlfriend, with Benjamin answering that he didn't seem to be all about maintaining relationships when he was fucking Gary's ex.

Probably not the best time for me to butt it, but I did anyway, pushing them away from each other and saying this was not the time and place, and that my parents didn't need any part of what was...  Well, not even between Ravi and Benny, because the situation was resolved, and it was time to accept things and move the fuck on.

It didn't even take him a second to realize who I was, and he said that was rich coming from me, because if I'd have been so willing to accept things a year ago--

I cut him off.  "Nothing would have changed except that we all would have spent the last year even more miserable.  You wouldn't have had the excuse of Deirdre not being around when you wound up sleeping with Gary's ex - and you would have, because I can't imagine deciding to actually act like your fiancée - so they would have been left an even bigger mess.  Everything up here would have played out the same, except Benny probably gives me my life back and I'm stuck in a fucking love triangle with you and Kareena while Annette winds up with this life but having no way to navigate the Chinese part of it.  How the hell is that better?"

"I could have gotten Kareena back afterward."

"You're fucking gay!  Seriously, do you realize how much more fucking sense your life makes if you just accept that?  I wasn't exactly in any position to act jealous, but he--" head nod toward Benjamin "-- hooked up with some pretty sexy guys when he was you!  You could probably even be friends with Kareena again, and you must notice how much happier she is with someone who actually wants her rather than seeing her as an obligation or a way to avoid facing what's goddamn obvious!"

That's when I noticed he was clenching his fist.  "What, trying to decide which one of us is the guy you can hit?  Do you think that's going to impress Kareena at all?"

He opened his hand, but didn't look like he was particularly buying what I was selling.  "It's pretty rich to get a lecture on taking what we're given from you.  Guess it's different when the Inn makes you pretty and rich."

"Hey, she was pretty as Deirdre!"

I smiled a bit at that, and smiled at Benjamin by way of thanks before turning back to Ravi.  "Yeah, this does make it a little easier,  But so fucking what?  It's the right thing for me right now, just like staying in New York was the right thing for me a year ago.  I probably got lucky there, but if you think leaving my life behind was an easy decision, before or after Yuan-wei was part of the equation, you're out of your damn mind.  So why don't you spend some time deciding what's best for you rather than bitching about other people who have already done so?"

And then we stood there, Benjamin texting something along the lines of "Ravi's around and starting shit" to Benny.  Eventually, Ravi turned and left, saying we'd be gone tomorrow.

"Man," I said, "dude turned into a fucking creep."

Benjamin's nice, so he tried to make apologies.  "It's got to be weird to come back to a life that's not as you left it.  I mean, you can't expect everything to be the same, and the three of us did sort of leave his the biggest mess."

I grunted, saying I could use some lunch.  So we hit up an authentic Chinese restaurant, which was a little surprising to Benjamin, who still equated "Chinese" with "General Tso's Chicken", and he wasn't sure what he thought of it.  I had to admit, I had found myself with a bit more of a taste for it after spending a week in Hong Kong.

I wish I could say we put all that behind us and had fun for the rest of our stay, but both of us were kind of seeing Ravi out of the corner of our eyes for the rest of the day, so we opted to stay in for the evening and then took the train "home" to Boston fairly early on Labor Day.  And I guess I am going to have to think of this city and Hong Kong as home now - there just doesn't seem to be as much of a place for me in New York any more.

-Yuan-wei/Missy/Jordan