Annette/Benjamin: Graduation Parties

I've been to a couple of them in the past few weeks, and I can't say it's not kind of tough.  Sure, when I look at what Jonah is staring down, the fact that I'm skipping college seems like small potatoes - by the time he gives birth and goes back to the Inn next summer, he'll have missed his last couple years of high school, and who knows how that particular experience will change him - but I worked so hard to get there, and now I'm the townie boyfriend in the audience whom everybody thinks that Marybeth is going to eventually outgrow and leave behind.

It's a pretty tough pill to swallow, at times.  I mean, I'm proud as heck of her - her Master's is no small accomplishment, and I've got no idea whether I would have had the patience for it.  She lit up as she accepted her diploma and then, afterwards, jumped into my arms when she and all her friends finished giving each other high-fives.  We kissed for a long time, and it was a really blissful kiss - I slowly eased her to the ground, and it felt like a portion of her satisfaction and success flowed into me.  I never had that with boyfriends in high school or the ones I had as Ravi in New York, and I wonder if that's what being in love, really in love, as a grown-up feels like.

We had to come up for air eventually, and that's when she dragged me over to meet her parents.  They seem like nice folks, although I'm not sure exactly what she had told them about me and what they've assumed.  They're in their mid-fifties and Marybeth is their only child, so they were looking askance at me to begin with, and I don't know if I quite made the best first impression.

I've at least learned to navigate the whole "firm handshake" thing; the line between showing that you are a dependable person of some substance and turning it into a test-of-strength battle for dominance is a lot thinner than you may expect!  Her dad was strong but kind of recreationally strong, like he goes out and does physical things but wears custom gloves when he does it to protect his hands. He sized me up too and asked what I was studying.

I could hear Marybeth going "uh..." beside me, but I just smiled and said "same things as your daughter, just without so much institutional support and formal direction." He gave me a look that said he had it half figured out but wasn't quite there, but wanted me to say the thing that made me look bad. "I bus tables, sir, but I read and write a lot, and I hope to make a career of it someday."

He wasn't sure how to react to that, although Marybeth's mom looked at her daughter mock-seriously and asked why she hadn't said that was an option - they could have had a house on the lake! Everyone laughed at that, and her quizzing me on what sort of experiences I'd be able to bring to my writing outside of ivory-tower twenties was kind of fun. I obviously couldn't say ''well, I was a gay Indian man for a year", but I could string together just enough of my real life, Benny's, and the year that Ronan lived this life to make it sound interesting,

It was an exhausting but enlightening afternoon, and the party that night with Marybeth's classmates was a good way to blow off steam. I didn't drink quite as much as I might have last year - I'm no longer a kid excited that I can get a beer just by asking for it, and I've gotten pretty decent about just drinking enough to take the edge off in awkward social situations rather than obliterating it. Which was good; as much as I felt kind of needled that day, seeing her parents was kind of stressful for Marybeth as well, and we engaged in some terrific tension relief when we got back to her place that night. It would have sucked to be too out of it for that.

Then, the next morning, we woke up in each other's arms. I kissed her and asked what it was like for her to be both that much more overqualified for her job and that much too good for the likes of me, and she laughed before saying that it was pretty awesome, although if I keep it up with the uncanny instincts about what a girl likes, the second part will stay debatable. And as to the first, well, that's just a matter of stepping up her résumé-writing/sending game, because her student loans have officially become a ticking time bomb.

The other party wasn't really for anybody I knew, but sometimes being an "Inn Person" doesn't just mean that life dealt you an unfair supernatural hand, but that you are part of a community of people who are so much more than they seem at first glance. That I wound up in Boston makes me especially lucky in that regard; being kind of near the Inn means that there are enough other people around who have been through the same thing that your support system is not just your roommate, with whom you now likely have an even more complicated relationship. There's The Changeling, and while Ashlyn, Penny, and everyone else may be a little reluctant to immediately welcome anyone who posts on the blog or says that they've been to the Trading Post with open arms - "Pygmalion" and a number of other incidents (like how Penny is Penny rather than Arthur) have reminded them that being in the same boat doesn't mean people want to steer it the same way - the connection is wonderful.

This second party was kind of a delayed affair, as Jessica Brooks was going to law school out in California, but she still wanted to celebrate with her Inn family who know that she used to be a middle-aged cop in Baltimore, and making it here was about finding her new self as much as anything else.

She wasn't the first to arrive, though - Jonah had just finished a day shift, and didn't protest too much when I hugged her, or when Penny arrived and told her that, even though being pregnant was obviously something that, having been born a man, he wasn't prepared for, it would be amazing, changing the way he saw the world for the better. I felt a bit of a twinge - I'd never really given much thought to having children beyond it being part of some vague future but something to take precautions against for right now, but now it was an entirely different potential thing.

Soon Penny was there, and despite what she's told me before, I was still kind of surprised to be introduced to Elizabeth Kim. She read that on my face and smiled at it, saying that she was obviously still one of the villains of Penny's story when she stopped writing, but, of course, nobody is the bad guy in her own, although it took her a while to really comprehend what sort of selfish choices she had made at times and how, sometimes, you need to change your whole way of thinking. It was an interesting conversation, although I don't know if I buy it as it relates to me and Sandra.

The next person I was introduced to was Louisa Torrence, and I did kind of fangirl out meeting her, which looks funny coming from a working-class guy. I told her that when I thought that the whole blog was a piece of fiction that Penny (and others) were writing, she was one of my favorite characters because she reminded me of my mom in a couple of ways and just seemed so empathetic and genuine, and to find out she was a real person... Well, you get it. She reacted to that sort of thing about as well as she could and caught me up on what she'd been up to, and, as she put it, a bunch of other "dangling plot threads". As she said, it's not dangerous for "Marie Desjardins"in Montreal any more; the gangster boyfriend was in jail and the original Ashlyn had enough influence to keep people off her back. She's back to being a librarian again, and kind of loving it - she makes sure that she sets to work in both French and English, and the classes in library science she took (because while someone her actual age would be able to list experience but "Marie" needs to be a specialist) help her keep her mind sharp. She says she probably doesn't need to worry about senior moments, but it seems to vary for everyone. She hopes and thinks that because she dropped thirty years before her brain started to deteriorate, she's probably got the mental acuity of someone her apparent age, but that the Inn won't necessarily fix what's already brown up there.

Which, she joked, could have applied just as much to the guest of honor as anyone else, as Jessica Brooks had been a veteran cop before the Inn made him a pre-teen girl who has, in the years since, made it to adulthood, graduated college, and then finished law school out in California, which had to put her near retirement age, old enough to be my father (and then some) if we had never visited the Inn, but physically maybe a couple of years older than I look right now.  She arrived with an entourage - the road trip she and Louisa took eight years ago had led her to Dana Costello, the guy who started life as Jessica, and his best-friend's-father-turned-mother Parker (mother of Dana, not the friend, because she was now Dana's adult husband because sometimes the Inn really fucks families up), and the whole group sort of arrived together - Jessica & Kathleen Brooks and Dana & Parker & Carson & Phuong Costello.

They weren't how I'd pictured them, obviously; though my binge-reading of the blog happened within the last couple of years, the posts which introduced me to them were from 2007, so it was a bit jarring to see Jessica, Dana, and Phuong as adults in their mid-twenties, Carson as a confident middle-aged man, and Parker and Kathleen as, I don't know, the veteran moms?  You know, folks who buckled down to be parents in tough situations while still trying to do their own things, probably don't get enough credit for either, and now look at each other and know they kicked ass even if guys are just counting ways they don't look like swimsuit models.

It got loud quickly, and though I've been welcomed into the Boston group of Inn people, I'm admittedly an outsider with this collection.  Still, when I reached out to shake Jessica's hand and noticed the ring my eyebrows went up a bit.  I asked who the lucky guy was, and she nodded toward Dana.

I squealed, which is probably kind of scary coming out of someone who looks like I do, but she laughed, saying that for a moment, she could totally see the teenage girl whose fanfic had just actually happened underneath the mid-twenties male exterior.  I blushed, but nobody noticed, as they were all too busy congratulating the happy couple.  As soon as that died down, Ashlyn handed Penny a twenty, and Dana looked genuinely shocked.  "Really?  You guys were betting on this?"

Ray said that of course they were betting on it, what with them being the most hot and cold couple they've ever seen, and that's before getting into the Inn stuff.  I guess it must be kind of crazy dating someone who sort of used to be you.  "You've got no idea!" Dana said.  "But compared to watching her date losers that I never would have gone near..."

"I have never dated a loser!  Do you have any idea how high the standards someone who's secretly thirty years older than the kids who look age-appropriate are?  You're the most immature person I've ever dated, by far, in two lifetimes!"

"Oh, not the 'two lifetimes' thing!  You promised that treating me like a kid was over, because you know what this life is like and how it doesn't work if you don't trust me--"

"AFTER we're married--"

"Hey!"  Kathleen just needed one word to quiet them down as she put her hands on my and Jonah's shoulders.  "You're scaring the kids!"  They apologized to us, and the whole crowd laughed.  Ashlyn was grinning the biggest.

"This is why Penny and I had money on the two of them winding up together.  Their fights are legendary, even if they were missing something before Dana applied to the police academy."

"Which is still the most god-damn foolish mmmmph!"

Dana had put his hand over Jessica's mouth, but I guess this was a thing with them, as she quickly pulled it down, kissed him, and had the whole thing sort of turn into him embracing him from behind.  "See what I'm signing up for?"

"You love it!"  He kissed her (it was kind of a good thing she was wearing heels, because he has about a foot on her), and squeezed.  "Yeah, we fight, because we both think we know what's best for each other and broadly have a better claim than most couples.  But, let me tell you, I can't imagine my life without those fights, and when I realized that she might actually move away after graduating, and I'd have to argue with her over the internet--"

"Seriously, we weren't together two months ago, but when this goofball got down on one knee, that seemed absurd."

There was a big round of "awwwww!!!", maybe with me the loudest despite knowing them for about ten minutes.

After that, it sort of became a regular party, and it was a lot of fun.  I really found myself liking Dana; I gather that when Louisa and Jessica met her, she was really a guy's guy, but maybe it's just knowing the truth or his having spent more time with other folks who have been through the change, since it certainly feels like we've got common ground as men who used to be girls.  For insurance, he really enjoyed choosing a ring for Jessica, even as his friends broke into cops sweats.  Got some Taylor Swift on his phone, too.

Later in the night, I asked Penny if she'd bet on Jessica and Dana getting together randomly,  and she said it was because she and Ray had worked out.  I mentioned that I worried about things with Marybeth sometimes, because there was something I was holding back.  She said not to worry, because she's seen a lot of cases where it had worked out with people who couldn't know.

"So are you and Ashlyn being on me now?"

She smiled and said that if they were, it would probably be about me and Missy, chuckling when I said there was no chance of that.

I think she's just messing with me.  She's better be.

-Annette/Benjamin

Tyler/Lauren: Prom and what comes after

I had to sign a lotta yearbooks this past month.

It was tough. I ended up writing a lot of "Have a great summer" and "So many great times!" to people who knew Lauren for years but barely talked to me in my time as her. It was one of the times during this whole thing that I felt the worst... like I was stealing all these goodbyes from her. Cheating her out of closure with the people who helped form her as a person.

I did write lengthy messages to the people I spent the most time with this year. I tried to pour my heart out to Dana, Karlee, Ginnifer and Mark, but even in all those messages I had to hold back and try not to explain to them that they kept me from feeling like dirt most days, and taught me about being a girl as I went along.

I ain't that sentimental, but I'm gonna miss them.

Prom wasn't that much of a story, to be honest. It was a nice night. I wore a black dress with a modest halter top, I spent hours at the salon with the girls getting ready that day. I posed for pics, I danced my ass off, I sang along with the songs I knew in the limo and faked it for the ones I didn't. I stayed out late drinking and talking about a future that wasn't gonna be mine.

It felt like a good place to leave off as Lauren. I was with Mark. He was a bit awkward, since I had made the boundaries pretty clear and he still seemed to be carrying a torch for me. I lost my inhibitions and danced with him. It was good.

Afterward, we crashed a party. Mark reverted to his wallflower state, but I was there for him. I was surrounded by friends but I was the only person there he had any connection to, and I didn't leave his side. We joked, we shared ideas, hopes for the future.

Around 5 AM, those of us who were still up drove to the reservoir at Highland Park to watch the sunrise. He and I wandered off and sat down by the water and fell silent and the mood sort of seized me.

"I've been having a really good night," I told him. "You're gonna make some girl really lucky at college next year. Trust me, you're gonna get snatched up quick."

After a pause he said "I could be making one girl very lucky right now... if she'd let me." He had this goofy, hopeful look in his eyes.

I smiled and pinched his cheek. "You're cute, man. But did you think that would work?"

"Nah, not really," he blushed. "But it came to me and I had to try."

"It's worth this much," I said, kissing his cheek. We sat quietly for a moment and then I opened my trap: "I almost would, you know."

"Almost would... what?"

"You know," I said. I felt butterflies welling up in me. "It's been... a while. And I haven't wanted to, much, until... like, now. But it wouldn't be fair."

"Why not?" he asked.

"I'm going away soon," I said. "And when I come back, it's... better if we don't have to deal with the aftermath of this. Of that."

"Who says there would be an aftermath? I think we could be cool about it..."

I sighed, "Years of careful study, I'm afraid. You deserve better than a one-nighter anyway. I know it doesn't feel like this is for your own good, but it'll save you some emotional anguish in the long run."

I could sense he wanted to argue that, but he was a bit too meek to do so.

So I went on, "There's something else. There's someone else. Someone I've been carrying a torch for for a long time. And I can't be with them right now... not right yet. They're a bit older, but really we're... it's like we're the same age. In a way. And once they leave... their... spouse for me, we can start over together. And I've been looking forward to that for a long time."

He raised his eyebrows and said, "Holy shit... are you fucking a teacher??"

"What? No!" I laughed, and then he laughed and we started naming every repulsive teacher we could.

Eventually we settled down and he circled back in our conversation: "Why did you tell me all that?"

"Because you deserve to know," I said, "Because you've been good to me, you're a really good dude. You make me laugh. You don't give yourself enough credit, you don't believe in yourself, but when you're with me, I can tell you're something special. And just because it hasn't happened for you yet... like, you need to know the truth, that it's me, not you. All you need to do is learn to open up with everyone you meet the way you do with me, and I promise before long, you aren't going to be able to choose which girl to bang."

He blushed again. "You don't have to... I mean, don't lie."

"It's not a lie. Trust me. I've been around. You're a good kid. It's only a matter of time before people see it. Sure, it's a jungle out there... people get hurt, people don't get what they want, people don't connect when they should or they make mistakes. But eventually, if you remember to be yourself, you'll find someone." I think maybe I lost him in there somewhere.

We got rides home and hugged goodbye. I slept all morning and spent the rest of the day packing. The end was in sight. Only days later I would be in Maine with Meg waiting my new destiny. Thinking about all I had been through over the past year... everything I had written about here and everything I hadn't. The things I'd seen and done, people I'd met. It felt overwhelming and I felt sad that I had to go.

I never thought I'd make it. And I damn sure never thought I'd miss it. And it wasn't even over yet.

Tyler/Lauren: Wing-woman

I had an invite to hang out with the girls (and guys) tonight, but I don't have the energy. Usually I'm all too happy to go out in the evening, get away from the family, blow off some steam. Granted, even after months living among them, spending too much time around teenage girls makes my head spin: they talk fast, they emote big, they have very extreme opinions about things I know aren't important. It's hard to keep up, but I usually put myself through it because based on what I'm going through right now, that's the closest thing I have to friends, besides Meghan of course. It's important for me to be around these people so that I don't feel like such an outcast among people "my own age" ... as if that phrase means anything anymore.

No, I needed a break, and while they called me a party pooper (well, not in those words: actually they said "weak-ass bitch" but, you know, lovingly) they didn't bug me too long. Only Mark has been texting me updates, and I've been giving him courtesy responses.

Mark. Despite what I said about selfishly keeping him to myself, I had no intention. I thought maybe I would be unenthusiastic about talking him up to Dana, assuming she would think she was too good for him. I'd suggest she give him a chance, but didn't expect to get far with it. I just think he's a good enough dude that he deserves to have, you know, a girlfriend in high school. I know guys who don't date in high school sometimes get, like, complexes about it later in life. I wanted to give him a push.

He had told me I was the first girl he felt comfortable around, that he felt like he could be himself. I told him there was nothing special about me (strictly speaking this is maybe not true) and that girls - the right girls for him if not every girl ever - would appreciate his goofy personality and smarts. If I was going to wingwoman him, I needed to make sure he was up to the task.

I brought him around our lunchtable a little bit. Once the girls had met him a bit, and I had coaxed a bit of group conversation time, let him ease his way out of his shell, I took Dana aside and asked her what she would think if Mark asked her out. She was iffy on the subject, saying she wasn't really into relationships. Fair enough. I expected that, and prepared to adjust my plans.

Then a day later, she amended her statement: "You know, I don't wanna date your friend Mark, but I'd blow him."

I'll never get used to that. I ain't old-fashioned or anything, I know girls who openly discuss sex, but to hear a girl that age flatly say that she'd be all too happy to engage in sexual acts outside of a relationship, without having to be coaxed into it somehow, just didn't add up in the part of my male brain that has always thought women were relationships first, sex later. This little vacation of mine has shattered plenty of stereotypes I hold about women and girls. What's more, it activated the "responsible adult" part of my brain that made me ask what they hell she was thinking offering that to a guy she barely knows. Shoot, I was thinking they could go for ice cream or something (bad example, this weather is not ice cream appropriate! Brr, how do northerners live?) Not third base!

I was going to tell her "Oh if that's all you want maybe I'll find him someone else" but what kind of friend would I be if I made that decision for Mark? 17-year-old Tyler Blake would have high-fived so hard if one of his friends got a no-strings-attached blower from a girl who looks like Dana. I was stuck.

So I excused myself, told him to pursue Dana because "there's potential there" and opted to spend the night in my room wrapped in three layers of blankets. I'm not sick or anything... I've just been grappling with some personal issues stemming from my "double life," and... I don't know, a night off from being "Lauren" seemed inviting.

Hiding from my problems isn't my usual tactic though so I don't wanna make it a habit.

Tyler/Lauren: A month off

Now where was I...

Some stuff has happened in the last month or so since I posted, and yet for a long time there was just nothing to talk about. The production of Oklahoma happened, along with some socializing, but nothing I think you'd be interested in hearing about. Mostly I'm trying to keep a low profile, be a "good girl..." no more picking fights with Lauren's parents, doing my best by her friends, and trying to treat myself when I can. The lack of drama this has caused is a pretty good thing, although it also means I don't bother checking in with you guys much.

There was the situation with Mark, for instance. I was pretty firm with him, telling him "no." I didn't even want to leave any doubt, any hope in his mind that things might change, so I've been very careful to keep a courteous, respectful, almost "professional" barrier between us as we worked toward the play.

It worked and didn't. I should know (and Meg is not shy about reminding me that this applies to me) you can't just switch feelings for somebody off. Mark can respect my feelings on the matter - he seems to - he's all too happy to keep in contact with me, to be my friend. Fine, great, I could use a male friend. But I know he's looking at me, I know he thinks I'm cute and I've got a good body. I know sometimes he's too nervous to say what's on his mind around me. I know that if I said the word - if I were really Lauren and somehow developed feelings for him - he wouldn't hesitate to say yes.

I've made my peace with that, with being wanted.

November 17 2014, the day Tyler Blake admitted he understands teenage boys are going to find him attractive. This, no matter how much I let my appearance go. I don't like it, but I've got to get over it because it's a fact of my life. Let him look me over, let him barely suppress his fawning, let his head turn to glance at my ass as I walk away. I don't mind, I can't mind - as long as he doesn't try to kiss me, we're fine.

I'd like to find him a girlfriend. I've actually had some success at that... I finally hooked Lauren's ex Seann up with Karlee. He made an impression on her back in the summer and then played it off, but she was obviously pretty taken with him. He wasn't exactly waiting for my blessing, he just wanted a bit of fun without any expectations, but Karlee would not shut up about how dreamy he was once she found out I had no problem with her crushing on him, so I convinced him that it would be good for him. She's a nice chick, if a bit dizzy.

Now that leaves me with a problem. Most of my social circle is becoming couples, and I don't want to become the odd person out. I would like to hook Mark up with Dana: they have some common ground, with Dana being the star actress and Mark being a theater techie. But I like having Dana as my single friend, and given Mark's status compared to hers, it would probably take some convincing anyway.

Then there's this really nagging thought in the back of my head, like... it's nice to keep Mark to myself. I'm never going to convince him he doesn't have a chance. If I push him away, I might lose his friendship. What's worse, and weirder, is that it's flattering: this guy I don't hate is interested in me. If I were into it - and I don't see this happening but in an absolutely desperate scenario if things changed and I suddenly became interested... it would be nice to have him around. I don't doubt I could find some other guy's attention... a bit of makeup, a little hair maintenance and the right outfit is all it takes to make me a knockout... but keeping him in my back pocket is tempting. Totally evil but tempting.

In the end, that's why it's better if I do push him away, so I don't take advantage of his friendship or give him false hope that that might happen.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of problems I'd be having if I wound up as a 17 year old guy. Would I hesitate to pursue teenage girls? Would I have as much trouble with my body? Or would I just sit back and enjoy the ride?

Wish I could, but it's a bumpy one.

Tyler/Lauren: Mark

So I was invited to this party on Friday night by my friend Mark, who I've gotten to know since signing up to do tech stuff for this theater production of Oklahoma. We've worked closely enough together that I feel like he's an alright guy, but at the same time, I'm not an idiot. I know he pushed for me to come along because he's probably nursing a bit of a crush on me. I've been in this life long enough to know that boys look at this body with desire.

I can't blame them. I don't encourage them - I dress modestly and act pretty neutrally toward them - but I know that guys at that age are capable of taking any remotely positive interaction and turning it into an infatuation. Now, I've been hit on casually, I've had my looks remarked on, and I've been called a bitch for turning guys down. It doesn't bother me. These guys are nothing to me, and the plan to keep them at arm's length was working.

Then Mark.

Mark is a good dude. He's not overly macho, he seems respectful. At first, I paid him little attention, the way I do all the guys around here, but I guess you can't have the barrier up 100% of the time, and he caught me on a good day and we got to talking about music, which led to a really nice conversation about Queen. The only reason I could tell he had a crush on me is because he went out of his way to hide the fact that he had a crush on me, making any threadbare excuse to make conversation with me that he could, and I got to feeling safe around him so I let him. Dang.

Eventually, I caught onto what he was thinking, and it wasn't hard. He started to seem pretty clearly nervous when we'd be one-on-one, and then there was his insistence that I go to this party. And I feel for the kid, so rather than no-show (and basically torpedo my chances of being "in" with these people,) I went. I guess I'm just a social guy at heart.

Friday night, I stressed over what to wear. I wanted something comfy and un-provocative, so I ended up with a black t-shirt under a grey cardigan and jeans. No make-up.

I went over to the girl whose house it was with Dana, my friend who's the female lead. I didn't feel comfortable arriving alone because not only do I not really know these people, I don't even know if Lauren really knew them much, they certainly don't seem to have thought much of her. There was various people from the cast and crew, a few beers and some liquor going around, but it wasn't some crazy drunken madhouse. It was just a lot of deflated kids playing video games and drinking games under the roof of a set of real permissive parents.

Mark noticed me as soon as I arrived - he had been playing Xbox and passed the controller to someone else to greet me. Yeah, subtle. He offered to get me a drink, and I said I wasn't sure if I was going to drink tonight.

I'll address the alcohol issue right now... for obvious reasons, I have indulged a fair bit since I've been here. I try not to get trashed, especially since Lauren's little body can't candle it the way my real one can. But that's on my private time, mostly, with Meg or "the girls." While I don't really have much problem with underage drinking, actually participating with them seems as inappropriate as dating. Still, it was a tough social situation, and maybe if I was feeling tense I could get a beer later.

Mark and I hung out near the fringes of the party, and we had a conversation that kind of danced around the topic. I gave him a chance to come clean by asking him what girls he was into, and he played it off like he didn't have anyone in particular in mind. I said there was plenty of girls at the party, and he said "Yeah... there sure is" kinda half-heartedly. Then he picked a loose hair off my sweater.

I officially needed a drink.

Once I had one beer's worth of confidence in me, I decided it was time to drop the hammer. I asked him if he wanted to take a walk, and of course he did. Once we were out of the house, he got real quiet, and I took my opportunity.

"Hey man, just so you know," I said, "I know you're into me."

He was flustered. "No, what? Um, I... yeah, a little, I guess?"

"I'm not gonna lie," I said, "I'm flattered as hell. You're the first guy I've met in a while who doesn't suck. I mean that. But I'm really, really not the girl for you. I'm just... not in dating shape right now, you know? It's not about you, it's just me."

He took a moment to process this. "Is this because of what happened last year?"

Now "what happened last year" is something I know about but haven't said much on this blog, but maybe later if I'm comfortable, I'll tell you some more of Lauren's backstory. But everyone at school know it.

"Partially," I said, "I mean, it's a complicated thing, there's a lot of reasons. But I want to be your friend. Hell, I want to help you find a girl. I just need you to know that between you and me, this isn't happening. Are you okay?"

Another long pause, "Yeah... I guess I'm okay."

We got back to the party, and Mark gave me some breathing room, although the mood was changed between us. He seemed to sulk, and I felt bad, but it was beyond me control. This was the first guy I've had to turn down that I felt guilty for, because I think if I was really the girl he thinks I am, he would've been in good shape. Then again, it's not like the real Lauren would have given him a shot either, so it's kind of a mercy.

I went home with Dana and slept in her bed, but I was up all night wishing I was still a man and that she was a grown woman. The events of the party haunted me for the rest of the long weekend.

The worst part for me is that I halfway considered it. Mark's a harmless enough guy, and we get along fine considering the age gap. He would probably worship me, and that would be my defense against other guys. And if I told him I couldn't do certain things, he'd probably respect that because he'd feel lucky to be with me... but he wouldn't be lucky, he'd be screwed. Because whatever I think of him is really the most non-sexual, platonic friendship I can imagine, and I know he's thinking of me on a whole other level. Whatever would happen between us would purely be using him, deceiving him, completely disregarding his feelings.

And look, I tease Meg sometimes for continuing Tasha's thing with Wade. He's a decent guy, and if she has no problem with it then I don't (or at least, I try not to.) She was put in that situation and she wants to do right by Tash. Me, I want to do right by Lauren and that means no. And I want to do right by Mark, and that really means no.

He should do fine. He's tall and thin, and he's... I dunno if I'd call him handsome but he's got okay features I guess? Look, I'm new at this, and I still don't know what I'm into. That's not a joke. All these kids look like, well, kids to me, so to even suggest I'm attracted to any of them is out of the question, and while that goes doubly for the guys I'd be lying if I said it didn't apply to the girls. As much as I enjoy the company of the girls, and can see how pretty they are, I'm not exactly tripping over my tongue around them either. I've been in the company of girls in gym class (and overnight stays) and all I see are these half-formed bodies that are close facsimiles of adult women, but not quite ready for the world. That includes my own appearance. There's urges... and a lot of loneliness... but that's fighting my rational side, which knows it's smarter to say no. It's hard to feel sexy, or to have sexy feelings for anyone else, when you're stuck in the middle of this.

Tyler/Lauren: In need of a hobby

Despite the occasional unpleasant encounter with a male, things have gotten pretty simple for me. I get up, I go to school, I go home and slink out of sight until dinner time. It's not the most fulfilling existence, but it seems to be working. I have a lineup of classes that keeps me out of trouble, even if they ain't exactly the most mentally taxing courses. For a month or so I felt like I was flying under the radar nicely.

Now that I'm "basically surviving," I feel the need for more. I've always been a restless person, and honestly "doing nothing" just ain't my style. I'm not one to sit and spin his wheels. Course, this gets me in a bit of trouble now and again... has made me make some poor decisions in the past I would rather not discuss right now, and even in recent times has probably influenced a lot of the dumb crap I've done as Lauren, including but not limited to the pageant.

But I need to find a thing. Something to put my energy toward to keep me outta trouble. At first, it was all about girl-time, keeping up Lauren's social circle, but more and more that incorporates the girls' boyfriends, and I feel a little... outside that, you know what I mean? (Karlee and Dana don't currently have boyfriends, but Dana's a major flirt and Karlee is obsessed with Lauren's ex Seann, so romances still crop up when they're around.) Talking to these girls about their relationships, or even school or their other ambitions, just isn't doing it for me. I need something to do that's more my speed.

I think I found it when I saw a flyer posted in the halls looking for a tech crew for the drama dept's  production of Oklahoma.

Now, I think the faculty adviser, Mr. Foley, half expected Lauren to be going in to audition - it's a musical after all and Lauren was quite a singer and certainly no stranger to the spotlight - but I've decided that that glitzy crap isn't for me. I got up on that stage for the pageant and just about pissed myself when it came time to do anything more than answer questions. But lighting direction? Prop and set management? That's damn near real physical labor. And as opposed to autoshop or woodshop, I won't be dealing with a bunch of alpha male wannabe hoodlums, but sensitive, artsy drama kids. Hell, half the crew is women, let alone the cast. Hell, Dana got the lead. I may not have had the most glowing things to say about her a few paragraphs ago, but she's still a bud of mine, and she's cool and I'm glad I'll be spending a bit more time around her.

Tyler/Lauren: Tyler's Misery Has Been Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience

So, I've kinda been reluctant to mention it, but here's what I got up to this weekend: a beauty pageant.

Obviously it wasn't my idea. In my opinion, entering teenage girls in these ogle-fests is just about the trashiest thing you can do. We should be teaching girls to handle attackers before we teach them to prance around onstage in ballgowns and swimwear. But unfortunately, like most things in life, it comes down to money. Namely, I'm currently part of a family that doesn't have much, and every little bit helps.

First prize in the Junior Miss Energy pageant, sponsored by some coal company or other, is a scholarship, which I'm sure would a be great help to the real Lauren, who has told me she intends to become a nurse. Runners-up are given smaller cash prizes, which I figured would also be nice. I have to admit it was inviting to think I might win some money I could call my own, instead of just getting by on a weekly allowance like a kid.

I waffled back and forth for weeks about whether this kind of thing would be in my wheelhouse, and I'd be lying if I said my little performance at Lake Erie had nothing to do with it... public adoration is a hell of a drug, and being a pretty girl singing drunken karaoke is a lot more endearing than a 30-year-old dude doing the same. On the outside, it seems like anyone with a pretty smile and half a brain ought to do well in a pageant, but don't kid yourself. The girls who do enter take them deadly seriously, and the amount of preparation that goes in quite honestly baffled me once I saw it up close. But I thought hey, this whole year is looking to be a giant loss for me, what's a Saturday of humiliation?

The whole day was a bit of a debacle, mostly consisting of standing around like a dumbass in a dress trying not to look bored. Even though the entry was open - all that was required was a headshot, filling out a questionnaire and proof of residence in Pennsylvania - a lot of these girls are seasoned vets with coaches and routines down pat, and they don't really take kindly to outsiders. I even knew a few of them, such as Lauren's friend Dana, who ended up in the top ten. The atmosphere was described to me as being a fair bit looser than normal for these things: this pageant was small stakes compared to a lot of the ones that run around here. A practice run for some of these girls.

Sitting there tucking my goodies into a strapless prom dress, I felt like I stood out more than ever. More than once I just let out a loud sigh: "Tyler, how the fuck did you let it come to this?" as Susan slathered my face with blush and mascara, over a heavy base to mask the slight breakout around my forehead and temples. I wanted to scream out for everyone to just get away from me, but it was one of those times I just had to draw on my reserves of strength, even going back to basic training... sure, my life has become a joke, and I've learned to roll with the punches, but even this felt like a bit of a leap.

As I sat still for this, I gritted my teeth. I felt every shred of supposed masculinity fleeing my girlish body... it's one thing to sit around the house as a girl, but to get dolled up like that? I didn't even get that much done for the Prom. But as one of you nice commenters said (ahem) I ought to "man up" and face this... hell, it takes a special kinda man to wear that much makeup, not to mention boob tape and thong underwear. And the shoes, by God almighty, the shoes. I'll have blisters for weeks, and it was only a few hours.

The whole thing took place over about four of the longest hours of my life, in a full auditorium of like 300 people. It was hosted by a witless, jabbering morning radio team, Dale and Wendy, the latter of whom approached me backstage to make faux-red carpet chitchat about "who I was wearing," and was disappointed when my answer was a flat "I dunno."

While the other girls were onstage, I looked out to the audience. I wasn't sure what I expected to see. Mostly family members of the various entrants, and a few pageant aficionados (middle-aged gay men.) I felt a fair bit better once I realized only a very small portion of the room was going to be actively slobbering over the girls... probably a smaller portion than most rooms I've been in since being this way. Hm.

The first half was the interview portion, conducted in the eveningwear. All fifty girls were given 45 seconds to respond to one of those ridiculous stock questions. A lot of them gave bland stock answers to q's about education, poverty, world peace, etc. I was actually asked something about what I would do if money were no object, and I managed to cobble together something about providing medical care to the less-fortunate. It wasn't the most polished delivery, but it must have won someone over, because I made it to the top 25.

The next round was the talent portion, which was... bad. For the last two months I've taken singing lessons in Lauren's place, and as much as her instructor was completely distraught at my sudden loss of talent, I feel like since then I've made progress from being completely incapable to merely bad. I gave a warbling, nasal, admittedly gutwrenchingly terrible delivery of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," a song I had only learned a week earlier, even though Lauren had been singing it for years. I saw Wizard of Oz one time when I was at my grandma's trailer, give me a break.

So I didn't make it to the top ten.

The final portion was the swimwear contest. The top ten all paraded around in skimpy bikinis (we had all been instructed to bring a simple black bikini. Mine was more modest than most of course) and answered another interview question. I watched from the wing and thought about the oddness of it all. Here I am, a grown man in the body of a teenage girl, watching these undeniably sexy teenage girls who are made up to be pretty much indistinguishable from grown women. I couldn't tell what kind of slippery slope I was headed down, if it was healthier for me to watch or turn away.

"Better them than me," I thought, but I couldn't deny my bitterness at coming up short. I guess deep down I'm pretty competitive. Maybe I should have listed my talent as rifle assembly or egg-poaching, two things I can actually do.

Still, I assured Susan afterward that I was feeling alright about it, and she said we'd do better next time (pointedly, she said "we.") Paul offered the helpful observation that it looked like I was nervous. Thanks for showing up, Paul.

The worst part was that Meg was there to see the whole hot mess. Even worse, she got the dang thing on video. "Please, God," I begged her, "No YouTube."

She agreed, and said she hoped maybe someday we'd laugh about it. I said that day was a long time off... maybe when I've got hair on my knuckles and wear a size 13 shoe again, we can talk.

She invited me over to her place, where we proceeded to get hammered. Wade was there, so I was nominally in character, but I lost track of this as the night went on, and whatever Meg and I said to each other probably just baffled him and ultimately flew over his head. Came off as drunken nonsense.

I did, however, leave a pretty damning voicemail on Dana's phone, which was half congratulations and half jealous drunken rambling. I honestly can't remember what I said, but hopefully it was all... flattering.

Anyway, with that all behind me, I have to say it wasn't as terrible as I thought. Just putting on makeup and a dress isn't that terrible. We all dress up and play pretend every day. No, having to live up to a room of strangers' idea of "beauty and poise" is real the nightmare. And shit, isn't that just a handy symbol for the entire experience of being a woman?

I'm no angel, but I'm trying to do right by Lauren, and if competing in another one of these somewhere down the line will make her life, or my time living it any easier, I'll put it under consideration. But there's gotta be an easier way to make a buck.

Tyler/Lauren: Drunk girls and horny boys

The "Parents" have gone to the lake for the week, and I didn't think it would be possible, but I have actually been more bored without them than with. It's weird to think how things that frustrate me: the clashes of the 11-year-old twins, Susan and Paul's comings and goings, the general background thrum of activity in a full house, has completely disappeared, and I feel oddly... lonely. Privacy and aloneness is all I've wanted since I got here, and yet when I have it, I go even more nuts.

When they're around, I have an objective: pretend to be their daughter. I find it frustrating and stressful and exhausting and taxing. Take that away, though, and I feel like nobody. As weird as it is to sit around a dinner table with them and listen to the stories of how their day was, it's even weirder to be alone, eating a dinner I made myself, plate balanced on my lap in front of the TV. It feels normal for about half a minute, and then... something feels off and I remember where I am.

I hung out with Megan for three days in a row, to the point where I started to feel guilty even texting her. She said she'd be there for me anytime I needed it, and I've really taken her up on that, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I should back off a bit. Besides, having a female best friend is just something I'm not used to, and after a while it makes me feel, well... feminized, in a way I'm not totally comfortable with. Sure, it's not like she's trying to take me shoe shopping or something (I have plenty to choose from as it is) but I get the sense at times that she maybe forgets who is behind these eyes. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

I wasn't doing anything scandalous with my freedom, until last night. I had spent the whole day alone, occasionally texting some of Lauren's friends to keep tabs, when I let slip that I had the house to myself this week, at which point it immediately became "OMG party at Lauren's!!!"

And I went along with this because... fuck, you need to spice up your life now and again, don't you?

By 9:00, I had Ginnifer, Jenna, Karlee and Dana over to my place, sharing the remains of a case of beer I had had Megan leave me for the week, as well as whatever liquor they could snag. It turns out teenage girls still really like vodka, and still don't really like beer that much.

I don't want to attempt to sum up their whole personalities in a brief sketch, especially since I've only known them a couple of months, but... Ginnifer's the gossip girl, Jenna is sporty, Dana is a wannabe popstar (she's actually in Lauren's/my singing class, and has real talent) and Karlee is... well, she's Karlee. She's very nondescript, doesn't appear to have ever had a boyfriend, short but cute, and has a personality that almost fades in and out. She's the one I've gravitated toward a bit more, because she seems a bit less like a frivolous teen girl than the others - I hesitate to say "old soul," just maybe a better head on her shoulders.

I felt a little odd hanging around with the group of them, because they had an ease and shorthand with each other than I lack. I feel very cut out, despite their attempts to include me. I felt like a total fake, and to boot, a complete sleaze for sitting and drinking with these underage teenagers of varying degrees of attractiveness. I must have seemed like a total flake, because at some point my opinion was asked about some guy or other, and I couldn't remember which one was being discussed, so I just said "Huh, him? Nothing special." But accidentally, this amused the hell out of them, so I guess they didn't notice. The curse works its magic.

It wasn't exactly your typical cliche'd Ouija-board/pillow fight teen girl slumber party, and there were times it was just like hanging out with the guys, except I was alienated by my lack of life experience and background with these girls. It was almost nice. Then one of them invited some guys over and things started spiraling out of control. I tried to curb it, but what would I have done when I was a teenager, and one of my friends tried to stop us from starting a party? Wouldn't have listened. Best to go along and try to keep a lid on things.

Not that the place became an orgy or anything, but at one point there was like 6 guys there for the five girls, and it felt very crowded - the most teens I've had to deal with outside of a school setting since I got here, and they were all in my house, drunkenly roaming around. I began to feel some real anxiety, like the situation was really getting away from me, futilely trying to be the grownup. Any time one of the guys tried to make conversation with me, I kept my distance, paying them the minimal amount of time. Not that I suspected them all of trying to put the moves on me, but... better to keep a buffer at this point.

Before they arrived, Dana turned to me and said "Uh oh Laur... Seann wants to know if he can come too."

"Um, sure," I said, nervously, "I think we're cool now." And honestly, I couldn't say for sure... for all I knew he was coming over to see if I wanted to get back with him and I began to mentally prepare for how to deal with him. But the truth was, he spent more time talking to Karlee, which both relieved and scared me. Something about the sight of Lauren's 6', broad-shouldered ex-boyfriend Seann looming over little 5'1 Karlee rang some alarm bells in my head, but I distracted myself by cleaning up the kitchen, which was being used for all manner of late night snack preparations.

I don't know. They're teens, and probably harmless, God knows kids get into all sorts of shit, but I'm a little protective of Karlee for whatever reason. I guess we bonded after prom when I spent the night at her house. They disappeared for a little while, and when they came back it was so obvious something had happened, you could just read it on their faces.

Thankfully, the night came to an end around 3 AM. The rowdier guys left, including Seann, and I reluctantly let a couple of them crash on the couch and floor while the girls and I all took the beds. I hardly slept a wink, though... the kids might think this was just a harmless night, but as an adult, I should have had more control over the situation, should have kept the guys away, should have limited the access to booze... I just wanted to have a nice relaxing night in, and I ended up nearly hosting the scene of a Very Special Dawson's Creek.

I started to remember what things were like when you were a kid and you had a bit more energy to raise hell. Sometimes things were disasters, but mostly, 17-year-olds know how to not totally destroy a place (merely do some superficial damage.) They saw themselves out early and left me to do the cleanup. How sweet.

I think I need to get out of here for a while. On the weekend, Meg and Wade are going visit Sue and Paul at the lake house. Maybe I'll join them. It couldn't be worse than my last vacation, could it...?

Arthur/Penny: A road trip of my own.

The last time I moved voluntarily, I was moving to a larger place - back into the house I grew up in, as a matter of fact - and it wasn't very far, so I didn't really consider the need to scale down, which is a good thing: I can be a real pack rat, given the opportunity, so it was a pretty involved process, involving multiple trips, and any element of fun to it was muted by the fact that I was making the move to be able to take care of my ailing mother.

This time, it's different; there can be no going back and forth when moving from San Francisco to Boston, and in terms of help I'm basically looking at Lyn when I arrive - and while there are several very nice attributes to her body, strength isn't exactly one of them. Fortunately, I don't have much personal attachment to many of Nell's possessions, so I could be pretty ruthless in putting them up for sale or donating them to charity. I even pondered getting rid of her laptop and buying myself a new one when I arrived in Boston, but being without something to write on felt wrong.

Nell's little car is still packed pretty tight, though, which is why I was a little bit apprehensive when Louisa sent me an email, asking if I would like a passenger for at least part of the way.

I only met her once, months ago, but I liked her. We've emailed back and forth a few times, and I've kept saying I'd like to come down and see her in L.A. on an off-week, but it never seemed to come together. I also wanted to meet Dana and Parker Costello, and since I had a few weeks between when I had to be out of Nell's place in SF and the start of my new job in Boston, I figured I might as well start my own road trip cross-country by going a little ways in the wrong direction.

Before I met with them, though, I made sure I stopped in to see Cassie and Jim. Cassie was Nell's best friend, and we got along pretty well, too, so it didn't seem right to just leave her life without saying goodbye. We wound up having dinner, then going out for drinks, and yakking about sports - was I going to assimilate to Boston so fast that I rooted for the Celtics next week, which I assured them was ridiculous. She said she'd read the manuscript I emailed her, and said that if I couldn't get one of the east coast publishers to do anything with it, I should explore one of the print-on-demand outfits. I said I didn't know about that - maybe Nell was fond of the new-media stuff, but as much fun as blogging is, I feel a lot more comfortable with the established system. I don't get paid for this, after all, and this is about the limit of how much I'm willing to write for free.

I crashed on Cassie's couch Saturday night and gave them big hugs before leaving for the Costellos'. Bigger than I expected, really; even after realizing how much I liked them, I'd always thought of myself as pretending to be their friend; it was strange to realize that it was the real thing.

Meeting Dana, Parker, and Louisa was a completely different feeling. Dana, for instance, is huge; I spent a lot of time around jocks during the lacrosse seasons, but Dana is taller than them and is really going to be something when he starts to really fill out. He laughed at the way Parker and I looked at each other upon meeting, saying we both had the same expression that Jessica had had when she and Parker first met. I guess it's a sort of universal guys-who-become-girls thing, especially for those of us who have been there a while: One part of our brain is scoping out the pretty girl, another is doing the female appraisal of the competition, and still another is trying to picture the other girl as a guy and figure out what we think of that hypothetical guy, and guys in general... It's pretty confusing to us, too.

They're pretty cool people, though. They seemed to like me, too, and we had a bit of a laugh about most of the people the Inn hits with this being nice people. If I were writing it as a story, there'd be way more irony in who gets changed to what, and the assholes would have a harder time of it.

Another thing I further verified: this change doesn't give us any sort of skills at all. Nell had played basketball in school and was apparently pretty good at it, though it was her third-best sport behind volleyball and lacrosse, but Dana kicked my ass but good when we decided to play some one-on-one after dinner. Heck, he handled me and Parker when we played a little one-on-two (Louisa sat out; she says she still isn't used to being strong enough to play sports well). It made Dana pretty happy, though - it feels good to know that being good at sports is because of his own effort, rather than something inherited from the original Dana.

Louisa was pretty low-key, at least until we said our good-byes and I gave her a lift back to her small apartment. That's where she handed me a meticulously organized file and asked me what I thought, since I had done some investigative and research work before.

I looked it over and was pretty impressed; it was thorough and as well-documented as it could be; Parker had made a good call getting the studio to hire Louisa on as a research assistant. The content of it was pretty impressive, too - Louisa and Jessica had managed to spend the last few months productively even while holding down a full-time job in Louisa's case and a heavy classload in Jessica's (she doesn't intend to graduate a semester late). It had taken a lot of patience and convincing, but it looked like it had paid off. They had the names and addresses of the original Marie Desjardins and Jean-Michel Therriot.

"You understand," she said, "I don't want to tell them on the phone or via email, but I don't want to call ahead and spook them..."

I told her it was no problem. I was planning to drive through Utah anyway, just to see the natural beauty of the place, and be only too happy to make a stop there.

-Art/Penny

Jessica: Family reunion

I've been putting off writing this stuff up because I wasn't sure how I felt about sharing it. Art, Ashlyn, and some of the others have all met predecessors and successors and written about it soon afterward. Maybe it's different if you've been waiting and both you and he have settled into your new lives. Maybe I'm still having a hard time believing that it's even possible to talk about this. Or maybe I just don't have words for what this whole thing means.

After I called Mom to find out whether or not it was okay for me to bring guests home for Christmas, Parker did her thing, arranging for flights, hotel rooms for her and Dana, and a rental car. It was an impressive job, but she said it wasn't a big deal - handling that sort of arrangement is pretty much the definition of a personal assistant's job, and her boss regularly asks her to arrange weirder things than a few days in Boston.

"You must be good at it," I say. "I remember that Dina's father - Dina's the one who became Mindy - was in over his head as an event co-ordinator, but your skills must have been pretty transferable."

"Yeah, I think that was our one bit of good luck. I think Parker was initially hired for the job I inherited based on her looks, but I was able to build on that. If you'll pardon some advice from a younger woman, don't be afraid of using that unfair advantage in your head. Nobody questions when you're too competent. You said you were a cop in your old life; are you planning to do something similar?"

"Law school, eventually. I loved being a cop, but I don't know if I'd trust myself in this body; even now, I'll sometimes act like I'm still as strong as I was, and that's no business to not know your limits."

"Trust me, that goes for everything." She didn't elaborate, and I let it go.

Louisa dropped us off at the airport that evening, promising to take care of my car until I got back and thanking Parker for letting her crash at her house until she found her own place. Parker said she was glad to, and hoped Louisa would stick around for a while, and she'd help with work and a work visa if that was necessary.

I waited for Dana and Parker to enter the gate area before giving Louisa a big hug. "Five months ago, I'd never have imagined it would turn out like this. Finding Dina and Dana--" I laughed at that, catching it for the first time. "-- learning what we have... It's almost bigger than when I changed, if you can believe that. Anyway, I'll be back here in a couple of weeks, and when we find a lead on Marie, I don't care what sort of lectures or tests or anything else I've got, I'll be all over it, you understand?" She did, and I hugged her again. Then I went to join the others.

* * *

The plane ride from LAX to Logan seemed nearly as long as the drive in the opposite direction had taken. Dana somehow fell asleep right away, but Parker flagged a stewardess down early for a drink. She just looked at Dana instead of drinking it at first, though. "I don't know if I could do this alone."

"Excuse me?"

"I still have days where I feel like a giant fake, but I can come home and see Dana practicing free throws, totally natural, and it makes me feel okay. I know he's going to go off to college next year, and I'm preparing myself for that, but we're about to meet his mother..." She took a sip. "I never asked him to call me Mom. I insisted he call me Parker, at first, in fact, and I wonder if that's just encouraging him to leave me at this first chance..."

"I sort of feel the same way. It's kind of pathetic, at my age, to be worried about what some woman I initially resisted thinking of as my mother thinks, but..."

* * *

As you might imagine, we were all plenty nervous when we got off the plane. I'd called ahead with the gate number, so I knew Mom would be waiting, but I couldn't see her in the crowd. Dana's got a foot on me, though, and when he froze, I followed his gaze and saw her. I took his hand, nodded, and led him and Parker through the crowd.

"Hi, Mom. I've got someone here you might like to meet."

Mom was speechless, and we just stood there until Dana reached out to hug his original mother. I didn't have time to feel left out, as Mom reached out from the bear hug and pulled me in.

"I can't believe... Is it really you?"

"It is, Mom. I've missed you... I didn't even know how much."

I saw Parker looking uncomfortable out of the corner of my eye, so I cleared my throat and broke the clutch up a little. "Parker, you remember--"

"Kathleen!" Mom looked a bit confused as this strange woman grabbed her, and then realized.

"Molly?"

"Barry."

Mom was a bit taken aback by that, then looked at the three of us. "Does it always...?"

I laughed. "Not always, just half the time. You remember Louisa, and Molly's still female, although... Well, it's weird."

"That's an understatement!" She looked at Dana some more. "I can't believe my little girl... Although neither of those words fits you any more, do they?"

Dana laughed. "Not really. But it's cool. I can't imagine my life going any other way, now." He realized how it sounded, and then started to apologize.

"Don't worry. I can't imagine having a normal daughter, so we're even." I gave her the exaggerated eye-rolling "Mooooooooooooom!", and we all laughed, and agreed to see what sort of places were open for breakfast on Christmas Eve.

* * *

We ate, Parker and Dana went to check into their hotel, and Mom and I decided to stick around Boston to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I wished I had time to see Ashlyn then, but Mom insisted we get home early, because there was baking to be done.

* * *

I had groaned at that, but it paid off when the Costellos arrived the next morning. Dana was carrying a stack of presents that must have weighed more than I do, but he dropped them all when we went through the kitchen. He grabbed a peanut butter cookie with an imbedded Hershey's Kiss in each hand and started shoveling them in his mouth. "You remembered!"

"Of course I did - although you weren't able to put them away like that before! I should have known something was up when this kid wasn't asking to lick beaters any more."

Dana seemed to ignore the last part, but smiled at the rest. "You are one of the two best moms ever!"

Hearing that made Parker and Mom both feel good.

We went to the living room to open presents. I laughed at the Lakers shirt Dana gave me, especially when he explained that it would provide good camouflage at school. Also because I'd gotten him a Paul Pierce jersey. Because, you know, likewise. I also got him a great big unicorn poster, leading to him warning Parker that no-one must ever know. The biggest laugh came when Parker unwrapped her present from Mom, a mirror with the Playboy logo across the top, so that if looked like a magazine cover. Dana and I didn't really get it.

"Barry was a huge breast man, and I just thought, seeing him with those..."

"Hey, they're the best money can buy!"

Mom wasn't expecting that! "You got implants?"

"Would you rather I was a total hypocrite?" Mom sort of shrug-laughed, while Dana looked uncomfortable, but Parker went on. "No, after a couple years, when I knew this was going to be my life, and everyone in L.A. seemed to wear plunging necklines that showed off more, younger cleavage than I had, I thought, why not? It was sort of the last step in accepting who I was."

"Yeah, well, I don't quite see how plastic surgery can be construed as accepting who you are, but if it makes you happy. Still, Jessica--"

Dana and I both answered "not a chance in hell!" simultaneously and laughed at it. Dana answered awkwardly that it was my body, but he wouldn't be thinking that way if it was still his, and I said I'd always been a leg man, anyway. But I still didn't like high heels.

We left the living room a mess of shredded paper while we waited for the ham to finish cooking. The half-dozen cookies Dana ate in the meantime didn't seem to diminish his appetite.

* * *

I wish I hadn't waited so long to write this down; I can't remember as many details of the next couple days, and now I wish I did. We had a good time - I introduced "my friend from California" to my friends from high school. Dana pointed out that I didn't have many of the same friends he had when this was his life, but that he liked the sort of sporty girls I hung out with, and wondered what it would have been like if we'd never visited the Inn. Would these have been his friends, or would he have grown up a total girly-girl? He seemed kind of revolted by the concept.

Mom and Parker did the same thing, although it was harder on Parker, because Mom still did have many of the same friends that she'd had nine years ago. She had two margaritas to Mom's one that night, but assured Dana that it wouldn't be an problem.

They went home on Thursday; Dana had one of those holiday basketball tournaments over the weekend.

I haven't yet stopped by to see them since arriving here; school has had me slammed. I have seen Louisa; she told me about her visit with Art/Penny; I'm going to have to find a chance to see the new Art.

So... That's me caught up. What's up with the rest of you?

-Jessica

Jessica: Arriving in California. Twice.

It's beautiful here in southern California, although it was unusually nice for New England before I got here. It was nice to see some of my friends from high school the past week; I'm a semester behind all of them right now, but they were jealous of my cross-country road trip, even if I only told them a heavily expurgated version of the story. They wouldn't believe the end, in particular.

The last time I wrote something in this blog (or even read it, really), I had met half of the family that the Wrights and I replaced, and they told me that the original Jessica - now "Dana Costello" - lived in Malibu, mere miles from where I'd be going to school. It was almost Christmas, and I'd wanted to go home, so we drove through the night in hopes of meeting her before flying back.

So, it's Sunday morning, and Louisa and I are both really tired. We drive around for a while, trying to find the address Phuong gave me. We're having no luck, mostly because we can't concentrate, so we pull up to the side of the road next to a park to get some rest. It's a nice area, so we don't feel particularly worried about sleeping in the car. A few hours later, I wake up and the passenger seat is empty. Louisa's left a note saying that she's gone to the church we saw a couple blocks away. I kind of envy that she's able to do that. I never really was a church-going man, but ever since the inn, I've been afraid of them. There's apparently real magic in the world, but it's not what they talk about there, not something that should be messed with. But Louisa takes the inn as vindication that there are powers greater than us, even if we don't understand them.

I put my glasses on, head to a corner store and grab a coffee and muffin before heading back to the park. It's warm, so I remove my sweatshirt and start walking around. There's a few parents with their kids, some people of various ages reading Sunday papers and ohter things. I wind up wandering over to the basketball court, where some teenagers are playing a little two-on-two. They're all pretty good, and the fact that it's shirts versus skins doesn't hurt at all. There's one black guy and one white guy on each team, and after a while, they must notice me, because they're starting to show off a little. It's kind of flattering, since they're good looking guys and there must be plenty of tan California girls with no glasses and bigger boobs hanging on them all the time. So I smile and wave, they wave back, play a little more, but they opt to take a break well before they're really sweaty.

One of the black guys pulls a shirt off the ground and waves in the direction of the deli I'd gone to, heading off with the other. The white guy wearing the tank top walks over to where a girl sitting on the grass had been reading. That left the shirtless white guy, who walked up to the little half-fence and leaned over, bringing his face closer to eye level. He had a good foot on me, a fit body, and a nice face that even his shaved head doesn't screw up. "Like what you see?" Even for a big guy, his voice is a little deeper than I expect. It's kind of sexy.

"Not bad."

"So, I haven't seen you around here before. You new in town?"

"Sort of passing through; I start class in Pasadena next month."

"Nice, a college girl. Guess I should tell the recruiters I want to stay close to home."

"Recruiters, huh? I don't know that you're that good."

"Oh, I'm that good. They got nicknames for me and everything. Go google Direct Current sometime."

"Riiiight."

The other white guy and his girlfriend walked up. "Who's the new girl?"

I held out my hand. "Jessica Brooks."

"Aaah!" DC recoiled, actually crouching down. "God, girl, why didn't you say so?"

His friend ran over. "What's the deal, Dana?"

Dana!? "Oh, my..." I kind of sank to the ground myself, a little queasy. Then I started to laugh, and I can't stop. I just keep laughing and laughing, and at first he looks at me like I'm some sort of monster, but before long he's laughing too.

It's at that point Louisa shows up and asks what's going on. "He's Dana Costello," I say, "and he was hitting on me!"

"I was hitting on you? Who was the one who was scoping out all this, Miss Jessica Brooks?"

That makes us both start laughing again. His friends think we're both nuts, and maybe Louisa too, if she's started laughing. She tries to do some damage control, since we're in no condition to talk rationally. She says that we were old friends back in elementary school, and why not?

He eventually gets up and offers me a hand up. I take it and we share a look. It makes us tingle a bit, but it's not totally or even primarily sexual. It's... I don't know if Ashlyn felt anything like it when she met Jean-Michel for the first time, and I'm pretty sure Art didn't feel it with Jeremy, but we've been without each other much longer, so it's like I've found a part of me that's missing, and I know from the way he's looking at me that he feels the same way.

We walk to a bench and he sits next to me, stretching his six-foot-seven frame out. "Look at all of you. You are not what I expected. I mean, I just assumed Dana was a girl's name, which was stupid. I didn't even think to ask Phuong! And your room was just full of Disney Princesses, unicorns, and... and other unicorns."

"Hey, don't you tell anyone about the princesses or unicorns. I got a rep."

"Oh, they wouldn't believe me anyway. You know how it works."

"Yeah, I do. So, you say you met Phuong and Carson? How are Mindy and Mrs. Cahill?"

"Getting by. Glad to meet others like us. We had a nice visit."

"That's cool. And your friend...?"

"Also one of us. She looks like Marie Desjardins of Montreal, but in reality she's Louisa Torrence of Baton Rouge and older than me."

"Older than..." He held up a hand to stop me. "I don't want to know. I mean, I do, but not yet. Let me process, okay?"

"Sure."

"Cool." He looked up and saw that the other two players had returned and were talking to Louisa, who looked a bit uncomfortable. "C'mon, let's go to my place."

He hopped in the car and directed us down a road that seemed obvious in retrospect. Their house wasn't enormous, but it was bigger than where Carson and Phuong lived, with an attached garage that we parked in front of. Dana led us inside and stopped in the kitchen, asking if he could get us a Coke or something; he pulled out a 2-liter and drank straight from the bottle. I still had my big coffee, but Louisa took an orange juice. Dana grabbed a box of crackers from a cupboard and led us out the back door.

I crashed into his back when he stopped suddenly as we approached the swimming pool and turned around, averting his eyes. "Geez, Parker, you should put a sign up or something."

Dana's body was blocking my view, but I saw enough to see that the woman he was talking to had been sunbathing nude, and was quickly putting her bikini on while telling him that he was usually at the park for hours. After a minute she told him it was safe, and stood to greet us. Dana made the introductions, and she did a bit of a spit-take when she heard my name. She told us to hang on a second, took a swig of the margarita that was sitting next to her lounge chair, and then grasped my hands and took a good look at me. "Wow, look at what might have been. It must be weird for you to look at her, huh, Dana?"

"Weird starts to cover it."

I was sort of taking a good look at her. Parker (who used to be Barry Cahill) wasn't as tall as Dana, so my eyes weren't quite down at breast level, but they probably would have been if she were wearing heels. She had a pretty spectacular body, although I could see some small laugh lines around her mouth and eyes. I shook my head to clear it. "Sorry, I was just having a flashback to my life as a man in his forties. You look really good."

"For a forty-three year-old woman? I'm not bad. You've got to look good in my business, though - even if Hollywood wasn't run by dirty old men, as soon as you start to let your appearance slip, they take it as a sign you might start to let your work slip too, and there's plenty of younger people out there."

"Well, you're a ways off from that."

"That's so sweet, but it's all going to come crashing down at once when my workout buddy here goes away to school this fall, I can tell."

She put her arm around Dana and gave him a squeeze, which clearly made him uncomfortable. "Look, I haven't even decided where I'm going yet. UCLA's looking pretty nice."

"But you've got a chance to get some real minutes as a freshman at Boston College..."

I gather they'd had this conversation before. But... "Wait, you're thinking of going to BC? Have you visited yet? Because I bet Mom would love to see you when you do."

They stopped dead, Parker recovering first. "Wait... Kathleen knows? How is that even possible?"

"We think people are more open to accepting it when something life-changing is already happening. I tried to tell her a hundred times, but she didn't believe me until her father died."

"Grampa Carl's dead?" Dana sat down on one of the loungers; Parker sat beside him and put her hands on his shoulders. "I hadn't even thought of him in a few years, but... Man. And you say my mom... my other mom... is she worried about me?"

"Of course she is." Parker squeezed Dana again. "You know I still worry about Mindy and Molly, even though they tell me they're doing okay whenever we talk. How could she not be?"

"I guess." Dana wiped a tear from his eye, and looked uncomfortable doing it. "Um, I gotta--"

"You go on and do what you need." Dana got up and headed into the house. Parker turned her attention back to me and Louisa, crying a little too. "He's such a guy; can't stand to let anyone see him crying no matter what, even more than most boys his age. It's like he's afraid people will find out he used to be a girl."

Louisa nodded. "He's certainly adapted pretty thoroughly."

Parker shrugged. "It's half his life; he can barely remember being Jessica Brooks. Min-- Carson is the same way, only... Well. And part of it's me. I confess, I liked having a son so much that I kind of steered him in that direction. Not that I loved my little girl less at all, but Dana being such a guy's guy - well, it lets me stay in touch with that part of my life, despite having all this." She held her hands out in front of her breasts for emphasis.

I got that; I'd certainly played a bunch of sports in high school, even if I didn't have the natural ability of some of the more athletic girls, for the same reason.

We sat silently for a bit, and then, just to break the silence, I said that they should come back East for Christmas. Unless they had other plans. Which they must...

"No, but... Won't it be weird for Kathleen? These two strangers from L.A. coming on short notice?"

"You're not strangers. She'll have a hard time believing at first, but trust me, you can convince her. She's used to me, remember."

"Well, I'll have to ask Dana, and you should really call her, but if they're all open to it..."

They were. But that will have to wait; I'm still on Eastern time and ready to crash.

-Jessica