So, as I alluded in my last post, I was invited (or should I say, Joy was invited) to a Fourth of July BBQ with a bunch of her old friends. I had a few weeks' notice about this and my initial response was "of course not!" I couldn't ready to be out in the world, to be seen like this, to wear this woman's face around people she's known for years!
But in the time between, a few things happened. I was taking walks around the neighborhood just about every day, mostly for coffee (coffee places are a ripoff, of course, but it's a good excuse to get out of the house.) At first I was just throwing on whatever fit - yoga pants or leggings, a loose tank or tee. I would walk the three blocks, keep to myself, get my tall coffee and walk back a different route. Then after a few weeks I got bored of that, started putting together my OOTD (outfit of the day, of course) and walking to the coffee place six blocks away, walking a little taller, taking note of the eyes that looked up at me as I passed. You know, it's not just about looking good, it's about confidence. And I can't sell anything if my natural posture is slouched down, looking at my own feet, shuffling down the street. Nobody is going to see me or listen to anything I have to say. I need to walk tall, keep my head up and smile that knowing smirk at anyone who crosses my path. I have to work it, own it, be about it.
And how am I supposed to do any of that if I don't know who I really am?
So those people on the street were my test audience. And the baristas too, with every visit I would talk a bit more with them, as they would get used to seeing me, clearly excited to see me, feel they were building a connection. It means nothing on my end but if you can fake someone else into feeling it you know you've done it right.
Then came the Father's Day convo with Joy's parents, and while that was not the most comfortable I've ever felt, I e-mailed afterwards to feel out whether they sensed anything "off" about me, as subtly as I could. No issues on their end. I felt this strange relief. If I could fool this girl's parents into thinking I was her, I was in. Whatever I'm doing is working.
Then I did a bit of recon on who had replied yes to this party. I was particularly on the lookout for Joy's exes: Lucas, Steve, Marco and Ramon. No matter where they are in life there was always a possibility that seeing her might stir up some feelings and that was not something I wanted to deal with. Not that I'm opposed to checking in with any of them to let them know I'm/Joy is doing okay, but it has to be on my terms.
None of them would be coming. Then I scrolled through everyone who RSVP'd on Facebook. Many of those were in relationships, which is good because I was looking to meet people, not hook up. I also took notice several of the girls, Joy's closest friends: Shayla with the big boobs, Milena the black girl with the fuck-me eyes, Courtnee with the sexy smile. All sexy bitches. I know I'm a female right now so the odds of me sexually conquering any of these women is decreased, but I felt this strange stirring of emotions when I looked at each of their photos. Attraction? Appreciation for their looks? Wishing I still had my dick? It was like this happy-sad, bittersweet-excited-yearning feeling I couldn't put my finger on. As hot as these women were, and as much as I felt I wanted to meet them, there was something inside me tainting it.
The last piece of the puzzle, actually, was Treena. Treena and I have a frosty relationship, but I would say a positive one. I stay out of her way, and she stays out of mine, and while I've tried to make a few olive branch moves, she doesn't seem to have taken them well. But I had to ask: "Treena, would you come to this thing with me?"
She gave me that "You can't be serious" eyebrow and sighed, "I have a lot of work to do."
"Come on," I pleaded, pouring as much honey in my voice as possible, "I know it's probably not your scene, but I could really use the support. This is me facing my biggest challenge yet as Joy. And it's for them, you know... like you said, letting them know I'm alive and well."
She rolled her eyes. "I was just talking about posting some Instagrams, pfft. This is... Simon, this is serious. This other is people's lives you're about to enter. Impose yourself on. Feelings could get hurt."
"You think I'll hurt them? You're trying to protect them?"
"Them, you... everyone. It's probably for the best that you just live your own life and... don't worry about Joy's too much."
"I can't do that," I said, "I'll go crazy." I couldn't reveal just how badly I wanted to get a close-up look at Shayla's rack, too.
"You'll go with or without me, won't you?"
"So have fun," she said, and turned back to her computer.
"Treena, I..." I sighed, "I consider you a friend. My only real friend right now. Please."
She rubbed her temples like she had a headache. Like I was a headache. "We're not friends, we're just stuck in a situation together. I'm helping you not to screw up Joy's life, until we find her and get her back where she belongs."
That actually hurt to hear a little bit, but I didn't let it show. "Don't you want to make friends with the person you're stuck with? It's better than being enemies." I reasoned, "If I go alone, I'll probably just screw her life up more, right? And I'm going to go. You coming would be the smart thing, and the nice thing."
She pursed her lips - it was actually quite cute. "Fine. I'll drive."
"Yes!" I pumped my fist. "Don't forget to bring a swimsuit and towel." Never underestimate the power of a hard sell.
She muttered something under her breath, probably sarcastic, and left.
I spent two hours getting ready - I tried doing my make-up in a serious way for the first time, and, well, it didn't come out right. Twice. So I went with a less-is-more look, figuring I would be in the pool so much that the effort wouldn't be worth it. I'm hoping to get my prep time down to under 20 minutes so that I don't become one of those cliché girls who spends hours in front of he vanity. For my outfit, it was a choice between a light yellow sundress and a lacy crop top with low-rise jean shorts that are smaller than the boxers I wore s a man. I went with the shorts - less flashy but easier to get in and out of - with strappy flat sandals on my feet. Underneath I wore a tiny light blue bikini whose bottom clung tightly to my buttcheeks and a tube top that squished my teeny boobs pretty tight but wouldn't come off easy or let my nips slip. The benefits of a petite chest. It has a little window in the middle to reveal a hint of cleavage that I hoped would be a little mesmerizing, considering my assets aren't exactly bountiful.
We arrived around 8. It was nice and hot out, the sun was still shining but setting over the ocean. Lots of beautiful people were splashing in the pool while a small group of guys congregated by the grill. Treena said to me, in her quiet anti-social grumble, "Don't abandon me, okay?" I told her I'd try, but even so I decided to dive in and mingle. I saw Shayla and Courtnee sitting poolside with their legs dangling in the water. I decided to just yell out a friendly "What's up!!" to the general group and see who reacted. As I thought, they rushed over to hug me. "Joy girl!" Shayla cried as she pressed her body into mine (full frontal contact, nice!) "It's you!! Baby girl, we need to talk! Omigad, you look so gorgeous, stunning really, you haven't changed a bit!"
"Thanks!" I blushed. I am still not used to having people remark on my looks (most people I meet probably are thinking it but don't see fit to come right out and say so!) and even though they're not mine from birth exactly, I take a certain amount of pride in how I keep it up. "You look super sexy, like always!"
She smiled, "Oh, stop. You know how I feel about compliments." I don't, and still don't get what that remark meant, but she moved on. "Where have you been all winter? SD has been a bore without you!"
"Oh, here and there. Top secret missions..." - my cute way of saying "Can't tell you but I wish I could." I bristled at that remark about the city not being the same without me, it felt like a lot of pressure to be fun and outgoing, even if she was just being flattering. "What about you? How's the boyfriend?"
"Pfft," she scoffed, "The boys all went to the park to play some football and ignore us ladies. And the men are ignoring us by cooking our food. But that suits us fine! It's girl time and we need to talk."
"You remember my roommate Treena, right?" I remembered my promise not to abandon her. Not right off the bat anyway.
yes, vaguely," Courtnee said as she sized her up. Treena, stretched out
in a cabana chair, gave a courtesy wave that basically said "I don't care about you." Courtnee concluded, "I didn't think she would be interested in hanging out with us..."
They continued to ply me for information but I continued to play coy and say that what I had been up to was really not that interesting. My claim was that I was doing property management for this firm that has a big government contract and that I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Never mind that that sort of work isn't really under the purview of Joy's actual job as a realtor, it makes me sound really interesting.
They probed for the really juicy stuff: How long have I been back in town, am I seeing anyone, have I talked to you-know-who? I do know who they meant (Lucas, who Joy was dating when she "disappeared") but I told them I hadn't had time to hit him up. In reality I am not interested in deliberately stirring up any drama with Joy's exes. I assume it might come up by and by but it's definitely not my goal.
"He was so crushed by the way you ended things..." Shayla said, "But we stuck up for you, babe."
"Aw, thanks!" I said and took the chance to hug her again. The thanks wasn't really for me, but I'm sure Joy would appreciate the gesture. I also have a feeling it hurt her very much to have to end a seemingly healthy relationship abruptly.
I left my bag by Treena and slipped out of my outerwear. Shayla, Courtnee and I frolicked in the pool with the other five or six girls, and I was sure to keep splashing near Shayla... I know she wasn't going to read anything into it but friendly horseplay, but it was how I felt like acting around her: goofy, charming, flirty. I just felt drawn to her. Maybe it was some residual friendship baked into Joy's DNA or a sisterhood bond that all women feel. Or maybe, like I said, she had huge tits and I wanted to be near them.
Then before long, the boys came back and started wrecking things. They mobbed the pool, diving and cannonballing in en mass and throwing anybody who wasn't already in, in. Milena was with them, which made her the only girl in the crew of sweaty, active guys. That made me feel... strange to see. They must have been fawning over her during the whole game. The way they acted around her, even though she wasn't the very hottest girl at the party, showed a real connection. The single ones were all vying for her attention. Shayla had her boyfriend, and Courtnee seemed to bounce between a few different guys.
It was then that I started to feel strange pang of jealousy. Jealous of the guys for having the chance to get with these girls. Bitter at the girls for not seeing me among them. Annoyed with the whole situation because I didn't feel like I stood out anymore, that even though the energy was more sexual than I would have known what to do with, they didn't have to do anything to get attention and I was stuck feeling like a wallflower. I told myself it was good just to observe but I wanted to be in the mix. I really thought Joy's return would make her/me a bigger deal than I was.
I could see Treena getting disenfranchised, too. The group was obviously more superficial than she would prefer, and probably lacking for stimulating conversation. I don't want you to get the idea that I don't think Treena is attractive but she was the only girl at the party that looked, well, like her. And me, I was something of an outcast beside her. we had a few drinks and I tried to use the time to bond with her, but she and I haven't really found any common ground yet... and I think she was still irritated that I had dragged her out.
I decided that if I wanted to make the most of this story, I would have to play a part. After all, here I was attracted by sexy young people - while looking like a sexy young person. I waited until I saw a guy - any guy - sitting unattached and I sat next to him. "So, what's your story?"
"Oh, I'm Joey," he said. He had some chin fuzz, a necklace, and I guess it's okay for me to say a decent build. No reason to be as embarrassed to have his shirt off as I used to be
"That's funny," I said, "My name's Joy. Joy, Joey, it's almost the same." Did I mention that I had had a few glasses of Sangria? And also that I have a theory that anything sounds charming and insightful coming out of a pretty girl. "Are you also in real estate?"
"No, I'm a lifeguard," he said, "I think we've met before at a party last year."
"Oh really?" I forced a giggle, "I feel bad for forgetting. Maybe this time I won't." I congratulated myself for acting like a total tease.
I got him wrapped nice and tightly around my finger. I didn't plan on doing anything with it, but I could feel myself being pushed in a certain direction by my body. It was different from my desire to be close to Shayla or my jealousy at seeing the boys treating the other girls well. I want to deny it but I can kind of see myself appreciating the look of a handsome guy at this point. And as much as my body might have a mind of its own, wanting me to do something about it, I also felt nauseous and nervous the longer it went.
Feeling awkward about how far it had gone, I ditched him and decided to injecting myself into other conversations. I still didn't feel included, mostly because I didn't have great context for anything or anybody being discussed, but I played along as best I could.
I guess my flirty act must have been successful because Joey ended up following me around throughout the night. He tried to get close
to me, put his arms around me, beckon me away from the group, steal a kiss a few times. I let him have a few
just to keep him interested, once I realized that turning away as soon
as he got his lips near me was probably turning him off. If you let
yourself go, it's pretty much the same as kissing a girl. But I think even in my drunk, confused state, I knew just where to draw the line. But the poor kid couldn't sense my disinterest so I just went along with it. Harmless, I think.
It's not really something I'm interested in pursuing at this point in time. But it's useful to know what it feels like so I can watch out for it in the future. But it's nice to be desired, fawned over, pursued.
Once the night chill set in, we moved to the hot tub, others got dried off and went inside. I was personally pretty satisfied with my experience and told Treena we could go if she wanted to. She was all too happy to, but something had put her in a huff. I felt bad if I was responsible, if she felt I had neglected her, but she knew I was there to mingle. So I didn't ask what her problem was and decided to enjoy my nice little buzz the whole ride home, as fireworks burst behind us over water.
I flopped into my cushy, cozy, Queen sized bed (does that mean I can think of myself as a Queen?) and drifted to sleep. But the story doesn't end there. I feel into a deep dream state but my mind was still active. I remember dreams that reflected what I had just been through, but like a funhouse mirror... twisted, with more hands, more touching, warming my whole body. I felt this sudden, deep, irresistible sensation growing inside me before I bolted awake.
I was in shock. I knew, before knowing exactly, just what had happened, but I didn't quite believe it. I felt down to my lower area and confirmed the gushing dampness. I thought maybe I had already gotten my period again, but no that wasn't it.
It was an orgasm. My first female orgasm. And it happened while I was asleep, totally vulnerable, unable to even control or guard myself. I had to Google "Female wet dream" to make sure it was even possible! (It is but rarely that intense apparently!) I felt a little robbed that it didn't even occur while I was fully conscious so I could experience the full scope of it. Just... wham, right? I wasn't even entirely sure what brought it on except my humming hormones being worked up into a frenzy by everyone at the pool. I couldn't even get back to sleep for hours. I felt equal parts embarrassed and excited, and even days later I'm still trying to get over the feeling. I kept wondering if I should pursue another one or leave well enough alone... by the time I decided to try again the moment seemed to have passed and I just exhausted myself getting nowhere.
Curious. But this is clearly just the beginning.