Dave: Surprise, I'm back again

 And by back, I mean back at the Inn. When I reserved our room, the memory of Christmas in Indy was still fresh in my mind. It was tough seeing my ex-wife with her new partner, and I actually felt better when I left, so on a whim, I made a 2nd reservation for a month later. As time went on, though, I thought that I would cancel it, because the longer you're away, the more you see home in a better light. That was, until I actually got home.

I reopened my business, and things have been quite slow. I guess that people found other locksmiths when mine was shut, and whilst I'm sure that I could have rebuilt it, it's a lot of hard work, and my heart wasn't in it. I tried to reconcile with my ex-wife and daughter, and received threats of a restraining order for my troubles. I've also barely seen Shane. I guess things just became too awkward after our San Francisco experience. Having a sexual relationship was a mistake, and he makes excuses whenever I try to see him.

I felt myself slipping back into an unfulfilling life of merely existing. Going to work, coming home, being alone, making dinner and watching Netflix...every night. With my 2nd reservation coming up, I tried to meet up with Shane for a drink, but he blew me off again, so before I could reconsider, I packed my suitcase and took another last minute flight to Maine. I genuinely thought that I could make things work, which is why I really believed I would be signing off for good in my last post.

Now that I'm back, the reality is starting to hit me that once I change, I will probably never be Dave again, but if I think about what I'm leaving, then it makes sense to do this. A new start will do me good, and I hope I can find a fulfilling life that I can keep and make my own. Maybe it's the easy way out, rather than trying to rebuild my life, and maybe I'll end up in a dead-end as someone else. If I can't make my own life work, then why would someone else's life turn out different? But I need to know if I only need a 2nd chance, and I need to force myself to do this, because otherwise I'm not going to make any changes, and I'll probably continue to drift in my meaningless life. 

Of course there's a risk, and I could find myself in the body of someone old or sick, or a child with no way of coming back for years, but right now, I'm willing to take this risk. In a week, it could be my biggest regret, but I'm trying not to think about that. I have deliberately avoided looking at the luggage left, because I don't want to find a reason to chicken out and go back. 

I also don't particularly want to become a woman. During my experience as Chris, I missed being a complete man, and unlike Shane, I couldn't stand to be seen as one. But then, he was in the body of someone who had no gender issues, whereas I was, and maybe that was the problem, so if I do end up a woman, maybe I'll eventually be able to embrace it more, like Shane did. I just don't know.

I'm apprehensive, and yeah, it's scary, and I don't know how much sleep I'm going to get until the change happens. Maybe I'm crazy, and it will be the dumbest thing I ever do - or maybe it will the best thing I do. But at least I'm doing something.

Let's see where I end up....