Kiara: Life and Stuff

I made it through Donovan's class without incident. He and I were obviously frosty with each other, but I behaved myself and, in the four walls of the classroom, we were able to interact like a normal student and teacher. I finished with an 88 but he never really lavished my work with praise, simply writing "Very good," and "well observed" on my papers. Okay, fine.

Auto shop... haha, I got a 60 there, but I passed and now I could change my own oil if I wanted to squish my tits under a car.

I have one term left. Looking at the courses available, there wasn't much I could take, so I bit the bullet and went for cosmetology. It's going to be a test of just how much of a woman I've become. I don't have a knack for it so far, but I'm keeping an open mind now that this stuff is semi-relevant to my life. It's "the family business" after all. 

Which gives me pause to think about what comes next. I am 18 years old and have basically chosen to stay in this life for the long haul. Simply drifting through it and making the same choices my adoptive mother made doesn't appeal to me, but there are limitations. I have a kid, I need to support her and myself, and as time goes by my younger siblings are depending on me a bit more. 

Sometimes I lie up at night and I cry because of where this train of thought goes. Trying to find time and energy to get an education and enter the job market and establish myself -- sheesh, could you think of a worse time to be a young person starting out? I thought I had it bad in the 2010's -- all on my own, with all of this on my shoulders. It would be so much easier with someone else. I've never really yearned to be in a couple, and I still don't, but it's a horrifying thought that partnering up with someone would really ease the burden. This is how people get trapped. This is how they get stuck in bad situations. That's when the tears start. What would I do for Kiara-and-Sienna?

In other news, Cerie and Byrd are no more. Thank God. Having your younger sister date your baby daddy is a complicated and uncomfortable situation. I obviously don't think much of Byrd -- his record on child support is spotty, but he's around. Cerie, weirdly, is growing on me. Ever since her brief pregnancy, she's changed and matured. She told me that Byrd wanted to try to have another kid with her, and she told him she wasn't interested, a huge turnaround from when she expected all of us to be happy for her when she was pregnant (and most of the family was.) I took her out for mochas and she told me privately she wasn't sure if she wanted to try to have kids ever again after that experience. I told her that the time might come when it feels right, but there was definitely no rush, and she agreed. You love to hear something like that, to watch someone mature and develop before your eyes... but she still hogs the damn bathroom in the mornings.

-Kiara

Tom/Kiara: From Worse to Bad

This blog has really got its hooks in me. I went a long time without saying much here, just trying to keep my head down and exist, but at some point, probably around the time it started to become obvious that Kiara is my future, I became a lot more invested in putting it down on paper.

At least in the time since last summer, I've gone from "Every day is a nightmare of body horror and other epic humiliations" to "Life has some mild inconveniences that I have mostly learned to navigate." There are even some extremely tepid wins sprinkled in there. For example, when I stopped breast feeding, and then pumping altogether. I actually kind of had mixed feelings about that... after the kid was no longer using them, the breasts were still there, as big as ever (and only very gradually less sore) and I'm going, "Jeez, I don't need these things anymore, what am I supposed to do with them for the rest of..." (and here's where I would trip myself up by thinking my life without actually wanting to mean it.)

Yes, I've reached an uneasy comfort with a lot of things in my life. The weather has been getting hot, so I've had to shed my trademark baggy sweats for items that are... lighter and more... revealing. Like the top with the deeeep neckline. Tank tops. Short shorts. It annoys me to wear these things, but the more I cover up, the less physically comfortable I am. I'm also cognizant that having a lot of hair on my head bottles in the heat. The only reason I never cut it up until now was out of courtesy for Kiara. but as the clock approaches midnight on my ultimatum to her, I'm thinking about salon appointments.

All this to say I've made my uneasy peace with the very, very likely scenario that I'm never getting out of this. That I am Kiara now and forever more. But I'm not throwing in the towel yet. I still message her regularly, and she hasn't blocked me.

But this isn't about her, or even me, except to say that I feel like I've said some things about my life these days that, if I didn't tell you the whole story, you might wonder.

So, when Cerie announced her pregnancy, I had a pretty negative reaction to that, mostly because, well, that's just common sense. I would really like it to have been none of my business, live and let live, let her make her own mistakes, except not only does there being another mouth under this roof affect me, I just couldn't let that level of foolishness go un-commented-on. 

I kind of had this realization that even though objectively, teen pregnancy is a bad idea and should be avoided at all costs, it's so baked into this family's DNA that to object to it is almost like objecting to her own existence. Like it's disrespectful to Jen, and to her, and to my own self, even though Jen, if you ask her, will say she doesn't want this for her daughters. She doesn't want it, but she will support it, because that's what she believes is right. It's kind of a crazy head-trip, but it makes a certain amount of sense. You want better for your kids, but you also have to take them as they are. And she's not in a position where she could give Cerie any different treatment than she gave Kiara. She's already established a baseline behavior. "We take care of family."

I gave up that fight. I'm only a few credits away from earning Kiara her GED, which I will be working on over the summer, so once that happens I might be able to get out of here and take Sierra with me -- assuming I'm still this person then --  but until then, I'm part of this family. So I swallowed my pride and went along with it.

So I was the only one around to take Cerie to her ultrasound, which was well overdue. Fine. Peace has been made. I take her, and I go to the waiting room to sit and scroll through my phone, and the nurse comes back out and tells me they need to contact mom.

Some crazy back-and-forth ensued, and they got Jen on the phone and they were able to tell her that it's an ectopic pregnancy. It's not viable.

And in all this, it falls to me to comfort Cerie, who is crying her eyes out. No, no, no!! she's bawling, she really wanted this to be real. And I'm trying to comfort her, trying to ignore the fact we both know, that I was openly against this pregnancy. 

I told her, "Listen, I know you and I have had our differences, but you're my sister, and all I care about right now is your feelings. so just let it out, it's okay."

I did everything I could to put my own feelings aside and go into caretaker mode -- which I've gotten reasonably good at over the last year -- and support her as she sobbed in fear, not just that she wasn't going to have this baby, but that something might happen that could prevent her from getting pregnant in the future.

We got through it, by the grace of whatever deity you happen to believe in. No, it wasn't easy, but it also appears there were no complications.

It was tough, and emotionally draining. Somehow, I think we got a little bit closer when the chips were down and we put our differences aside. The mood around here has changed a little bit for the better, even if there's still a dark cloud hanging over my sister.

Hm. "My sister."

-Tom/Kiara

Tom/Kiara: Happy Birthday

April 25 was my birthday. That is to say, it's Kiara's birthday, which means it's "mine" for the time being. I knew this, because I've spent time looking at plenty of documents as Kiara -- and I did look into when I would finally be "an adult" at 18 again -- but it wasn't as if I was eagerly awaiting the day, counting down to it on the calendar. It took me a moment to realize what was happening when Jen woke me up and told me to get ready for our day.

"Our" day? Not that I'm on bad terms with Kiara's mom, but we don't exactly spend a lot of time together. If she's at the house, I'm usually not and vice versa. Our text conversation is a never-ending stream of who is taking care of Sienna when. I'm grateful and all, I just haven't been able to foster much of a personal relationship with her.

With so much constantly going on at the house, you won't be surprised to hear that I'm not accustomed to being in the spotlight. And that's how I like it. The less people acknowledge my existence the easier it is for me. But I guess "my" birthday was going to be the one day we focused on me.

Jen treated me to a one-on-one brunch, which was a nice gesture but also an awkward one. Here we were, sitting eye-to-eye at the table for once and I have nowhere to hide. Luckily there are plenty of conversational topics -- Sienna, of course, and school.

"You thinkin' about what comes next?" she asked me over something sorta like "eggs benedict."

"Yeah," I sighed, "There's, um, a lot up in the air right now." There's obviously still an outside chance that the real Kiara, aka "Lisa Brown," will relent and come back to her own life, but the time is running out for that.

"I'd be happy to show you the business, help you pay for beauty school," she said, "But I get the feeling that's not what you want."

"No," I said sourly, "No offense, it's not for me."

"I haven't heard you paly your guitar in a while, is that dream dead?"

"I... had to face reality," I said, "Motherhood and musical aspirations don't mix."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said.

The conversation -- which continued to a manicure where I let my nails get painted with spring pastels -- couldn't help but take on a dour tone. Simply talking about life as a teen mom in a dead-end North Carolina town with no prospects didn't really fill me with excitement.

Next was shopping. It was just at a discount store, but it was Jen's idea of a nice gesture, and it was. "I don't even know your size anymore," she confessed, "So I thought it would make more sense if you just pick something out and I pay for it. Don't worry about the price. If you want it, it's yours." I was hesitant, but she was insistent and I was moved by the gesture. I picked up a decent jacket and -- don't laugh -- a miniskirt. Summer's coming, after all.

We brought home take-out for dinner and sat down as a family. The younger sibs had made me a homemade card, which was adorable and really moving. After cake, Cerie had an announcement.

She's pregnant.

As you may recall, Kiara's younger sister been dating Kiara's babydaddy Byrd, which would make our kids half-siblings (three-quarter siblings?) Jen and Kelly were actually congratulatory, albeit in a tentative, restrained way. The littles were thrilled that there would be another baby. I did a terrible job masking the fact that I was aghast.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I hissed, "What is it about the way that I live that makes you want some of that? The exhaustion? The anxiety about my future? The financial burden? What about mom and grandma -- you think they have the bandwidth to take care of another kid?!"

"Kiara, hush!" Jen reprimanded me.

"Why you mad?" Cerie sneered in her Gen-Z-or-is-it-Alpha tone. "You think you're the only one who deserves attention just because you had a baby first?"

"God, that is so not what this is about..." I huffed, sounding every bit the teenager I appear to be, albeit maybe one from the 2000's, rather than today. "It's so short-sighted, especially knowing what I've been through."

"So why's it okay for you?!" Cerie shouted back, while Jen and Kelly tried to wrangle us with cries of 'Girls, please!'

"It's not okay for me, that's the point!" I was practically in tears, but more of rage than anything. "It's irresponsible! I fucking ruined my life, and you're about to do the same!" ("Language!")

"I can't believe you would say that about your own daughter! And mom too, like she ruined her life having you?!"

"No, I...!" I sputtered, "Can't you see how fucked up this is?!"

"That's enough!" Jen shrieked, "Kiara, don't speak for me, don't try to tell me what I have the 'bandwidth' for! If Cerie wants this, I will help her just like I helped you! You ingrateful little bitch!"

("Ingrateful" isn't even a word, but it's not like that was the headline at the time.)

"I don't belong here!" I screamed, which probably came out of nowhere as far as they were concerned. I stormed upstairs to where Sienna was asleep.

Soon after my arrival, she awoke and started crying, so I held her to my breast and fed her. I'm trying to wean her off that soon, but it was as much for me as anything else I guess.

After she finished, she began babbling. "Amma... amm... a... mama... mama..."

It's not the first time she's spoken, and not the first time it's come out sounding that way, but it was pretty clear and pretty repetitive. As galled as I was that people would treen a teenage girl getting pregnant as a good, exciting thing, there are definitely moments of beauty, and I always try to do right by this innocent little baby. I do love her. After all this time, how could I not?

As tears streaked down my cheeks, I gathered myself and took a video of the little girl, holding on her until she finally said it again.

I texted it to "Lisa Brown."

"Happy birthday," I wrote.

-Tom/Kiara

Tom/Kiara: Custody

I could tear my hair out.

You haven't seen a lot of me on this blog lately, and that's largely because my life is frankly terrible. Between trying to put the finishing touches on this industry-rocking story that is probably not going to get published, I have to do homework, track down the real Kiara, and oh yeah, raise a baby.

I should be thankful for the immense support system I have with the women in Kiara's life, but all I can think is that none of them should be in this position. This stupid girl got pregnant at 16 when she was in no position to capably raise a child, and her mom and grandma just stepped up like that was a normal part of life, like that was kind of what they were expecting all along. Between the three of us, we make for two pretty good parents I guess. And then there's Baby-daddy.

Sienna's dad is a dirtbag kid named Byrd. Personally, I can't stand the sight of him. Dead-eyed, greasy mullet hair, stinks of B.O. He has custody every other weekend, which is a relief in some ways and a frustration in others because I always feel like I have to check his work. I'm relatively new to this, but I am a functioning adult and I know the baby's habits and needs pretty well at this point.

Byrd's parents have been pressuring me to give up custody. They both work, they're in a better financial situation than Kiara's family. Byrd dropped out of high school to do drywall for his dad's company so he has income too (which he contributes to Kiara) and giving the baby over to them would make a certain level of financial sense by consolidating all of that, but while they may have more money, what they don't have is time and resources. Sienna is getting better care here, whether it's with me or Kiara's family. Personally I think the kid needs more stability. I'm not trying to deny Byrd his rights -- strictly speaking, he's got more rights than I do, I'm just trying to do what is best for the baby. Add to that, I still have it in the back of my mind that I could coax Kiara into taking her life back if I could find her, and I would like to keep it as close to how it was when she left it as possible.

I struggle with whether I'm doing the right thing. If giving the baby up is selfish, or if holding onto her is.

There is a complicating factor here, which is that Byrd has recently started dating someone new. And that someone is Kiara's younger sister Cerie. Yes, it's deeply messed up. They're out to all hours getting drunk and high, which would be fine if they were normal teenagers, but I've made it clear to Byrd that if he wants me to consider handing the baby over to him he would have to clean up his act. "I can't let this girl fall into the hands of such an immature kid."

"I'm older than you!" he counters.

"Only on paper," I sneer back.

And then there are nights I'm awake until 2 AM and she won't stop crying because this teething thing is going badly and I've got an exam I haven't studied for, and I think "I should just throw in the towel."

Whoever did this to me really had it in for me.

Then Christmas comes and despite the huge financial burden, we get her dressed up in a little red dress to see Santa and "open" her gifts on Christmas (she doesn't know what's going on but she seems to like ripping paper and banging on boxes) and my heart melts into my uterus. I love the kid. For all she cries and poops and grabs things she is not supposed to, she is adorable and gettig that little kiss from her and listening to her babble makes me think she is the most precious and important thing in theworld and I need to protect and nurture her at all costs. I hate being a mommy but I love the kid. Make it make sense.

-More-Kiara-Than-Tom 

Tom/Kiara: A Girl's Life

So here's where things stand:

I'm in the body of a seventeen-year-old girl.

I have a baby daughter to look after, sore breasts, bags under my eyes and Girl!B.O.

I'm stuck in some one-horse North Carolina town.

All this hair on my head is bottling in the heat something fierce.

I possess knowledge that could upend an entire industry, but I have to be very careful what I do with it, because those involved have proven they're willing to go to extreme lengths to protect themselves. We already know what happened when I started getting close, next time could be anything from a major legal battle to murder, and that's all assuming I can convince anyone to publish the story if and when it's written.

And the original owner of this body/name/life is nowhere to be found, not that we'll be able to switch back until next year at the earliest.

It's been hard for me to find time to post here, for reasons that should be obvious. I'm usually pretty preoccupied, and there are too many people around anyway. If I spend too much time on the family laptop it raises questions. Scrolling through the phone is more Kiara's speed -- and it's not like it's impossible to write a blog from there, but it's very hard to get the kind of focus I need to write. This post has come together in bits and pieces.

In my last post, a week and a half ago but seemingly a lifetime, I was introduced to Kiara's mom, Jen, and her daughter Sienna, as well as their dogs Casper and Carly. If that was all who was in the house, it would be plenty, but the place is more full than that. Kiara is the oldest of 4, with 15-year-old Cerie, 10-year-old brother Maddox, and 8-year-old Aura. I haven't exactly been able to have sit-down interviews with all of them, but I have gathered that Kiara and Cerie are full siblings and Maddox and Aura were from a different relationship. I'm not judging, that's just the way it goes for some people. The kids seem nice, but, you know, I never did have much of a rapport with youngsters. They're being raised, to varying degrees, by phones and tablets.

Also living under this roof is Jen's mom Kelly, Kiara's grandmother who is a little bit younger than my own mother, and her mother Enid, who is bedridden in the back room. That's five generations under the roof of one cramped, hot, exurban house.

When Kiara disappeared, I don't even think Jen and Kelly were shocked or confused or maybe even that mad. They seemed to have a lot of sympathy for why a girl of 17 would want to pick up and run away from her one big responsibility in life. That doesn't mean they were happy about it, only that when I returned, it was sort of unspoken that Kiara had gotten it out of her system and was ready to take up motherhood again. If only. In the meantime they were absolutely prepared to fill in for me and look after the kid. I felt a little bad taking my sweet time to come back, but all things considered, who could blame me?

I don't know whether Kiara left of her own accord, was tricked, targeted, bargained, or what. I don't know if she's trying to come back or if it makes a difference if she were. But, I have it on good authority she's in an adult body, likely female, so it's not like she's fully without means.

Not that any of it matters. All of that has taken a backseat to the unending cycle of feeding, burping, pooping, changing and napping, with crying sprinkled throughout (mostly her, sometimes me.) Some days, when the heat isn't too oppressive, I load her up and wheel her down to the coffee shop where I order a decaf and try to do some research, until she starts crying and I have to turn my focus to her. Jen and Kelly are available to assist, but I'd just as soon not rely on them after the major solid they did their daughter during my absence, and plus, asking for them to step in usually invites questions about what, exactly, I'm doing that will be so important.

It's clear that I can't simply barrel ahead with my agenda. There are too many distractions in life, I need to figure out a rhythm that works.

We've also been talking about what, exactly, I'm going to do about school in the fall, and let me tell you, walking around a high school in the body of a teen mom does not excite me.

The whole lot of us, plus Jen's boyfriend Travis, went to a big cookout for the Fourth. I was not exactly enthused to be there and kept to myself. Actually, I ended up chatting with a bunch of other moms -- most of whom were age-appropriate -- which proved enlightening. More, it was reassuring to find out that even people who wanted this have struggles and problems with their kid. Made me feel a little less... drowning and helpless. Food was good, too. There are worse fates to suffer than getting fed some Carolina BBQ now and again.

Last but not least, I had Kiara's period for her the week after my last post. It wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be -- the worst parts, the cramping and aches, came on sneakily beforehand so that I didn't exactly realize what was going on, and when I finally got my "visitor" it was more like "Oh, I see." I would not recommend.

-Tom