Maybe the weirdest part about getting turned into a woman is that I don't think it's weird. I'm not saying I like it better than being a guy, only that it's just another way to be. Living Meadow's life has its pluses and minuses. Independence is good. I like having a pretty face, even if it sometimes comes with unwanted attention. It also sometimes comes with wanted attention? I have been pretty up front about the fact that I guess I don't mind guys on the whole... I have a "boyfriend" after all.
I guess I'm at an age where I'm kind of willing to re-examine who and what I am, and I just happen to have transformed into another person. It's been a fun project, learning womanliness and just being on my own slash with with Francis. Kind of a bizarre twist on my mission to go see the world. I'm not seeing a lot of the world, but I'm seeing a lot of Springfield, and I am seeing things through the eyes of another person. How many folks are lucky enough to do that?
The trade-off is worth it, in my opinion.
I know the relationship isn't real. I don't have feelings for this guy, at least nothing approaching "love," but I'm very comfortable playing my role. I like the structure that it gives my life. Having an activity partner, sometime to spend time with. That is a relationship I guess, but I don't get gooey when I think of him, and I could take or leave him as a person, but he is nice to be around. Sometimes I get sick of him, but I've been alone for so long that it's nice to have someone to get sick of. If I was really in a relationship with him then I might take more exception to the times when he isn't very present or lovey-dovey. I look at it as part of my job as Meadow, to go through these motions and foster the relationship with him. We're co-workers that kiss.
Which has some difficulties.
So, in my last post I was kinda-sorta talking about starting to date Francis, and how we made an effort to move it into the physical that... didn't work. I'm not a virgin (as a guy) so I know how things work down there, and something on my end just... wasn't right. Meadow didn't know anything about it either.
I kind of put it out of my mind. I've been to lots of doctors with my mom and I guess I'm just no that keen to get checked out, but remember we are twenty-somethings who are living together so it wasn't going to be very long before he wanted to try sex again. That's in my Meadow job description.
So I decided to try having some wine to loosen up... and I did feel loose in a social way, and we kissed and that was nice, and I could tell he was hard and I was like "Here we go," and part of me was even kind of... into that. but the second we tried to cross the threshold, the door slammed shut.
He was clearly frustrated, so I agreed to go to the doctor. I got an appointment at the OBGYN, and they had an answer for me.
"It appears to be a case of vaginismus."
What is that? It's when your vagina simply does not want to let anything in.
She explained it was mostly common in women who had never had sex, but I supposedly have, so it's very peculiar... to her. To me, it makes a certain amount of sex. Even though I'm okay with so many other things about being a girl, my brain seems to not be aligned with my body on this one thing.
There are treatment, both physical and psychological... but how do I explain to a doctor that the probable reason for this is that I was a guy until a few months ago, so my vagina is new to me? And the physical side -- which, I don't want to be gross, but involves training the vagina little by little -- can take years to acclimate. I told Meadow about all this and she seemed flustered.
"What if... you can't get it fixed before giving me my body back?" she asked fearfully. "What if it stays with... with me?"
I honestly don't know, but I don't think we'll have answers to that for a long time.
In the meantime, obviously Francis was really dismayed at the news. Here he has this girlfriend that he's been with for years, and suddenly she can't perform sexually? He said some nice things like "We'll get through this, it's okay," but if I was the guy in this situation I would probably be pretty freaked out at the possibility of being committed to someone who can't have (regular style) sex with me. Does he love Meadow enough to stand by her? Am I going to be a good enough girlfriend to influence him?
At what point does a guy just cut his losses and bail?
Yeah, so, that's what's going on with me
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